Father’s Day was Different๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพโค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ‘๐ŸฝPT 1…..

I’m late with this post, please forgive me, I meant to post it after Father’s Day. Been going through a lot, busy, changes in my schedule, and living situation and trying my best to work around it. Regardless, I am grateful, counting my blessings everyday, and always writing nonetheless.

I notice Father’s Day on my calendar as soon as it rolls around, and make a mental note to call or text my father. Father’s day has always been slightly awkward for me since I was a child, for a few reasons. For one, my father was not with us on a consistent basis, as I’ve shared in previous blogs. He went from being a somewhat stable figure in my life, to eventually non-existent. His influence and presence seemed to become irrelevant, and I simply got used to it. After we lost it all, and he was incarcerated, there was no need to keep up with Father’s Day. I was just surviving with my Mother and siblings. We spent an adequate amount of time in women’s shelters, where Father’s Day was obviously not a priority.

I completely forgot about Father’s Day, until it came up in school. Make your father a card day! The teacher announced, and as I loved creating and arts and crafts, I was not enthusiastic. I didn’t want to feel out of place and awkward, but inside I did. I knew I couldn’t tell my teacher that I just didn’t feel like participating. I didn’t go into a category, as the few children who didn’t have a father, because their’s had passed away. They were treated in a very sensitive manner, instructed to sit at one table, and create a card or whatever they wanted. This made sense to me, and I felt empathized with those children, however I didn’t know where I stood. I had no reason to address the fact that my father was locked up, deported or whatever, yet I still felt strange…A part of me almost wanted to tell my teacher, as though I was confessing or admitting that I felt the way I did.

Please stay tuned for PT 2.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค”:The Daddy Issue Part 6๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’”โ”….

Continuing from the thought of protection…I was taking on a role of a protective parent, unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that Iโ€™ve lived without him. It wasnโ€™t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and thereโ€™s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority. I felt vulnerable, confused but didn’t show it, none of us did. Crying, showing fear, asking why?, asking Mommy where’s daddy going? What’s going to happen to him?? Was completely out of the question. Per usual, I tried to intellectualize the situation, while considering my Mother’s point of view, remaining cool, calm and collected as expected.

I’ve wrote about this in a previous blog, we saw our house on the evening news, watched the police search the front lawns of our neighbour’s houses. I knew at THAT moment my life, our life would never be the same. Father’s role, the responsibility HE held in the situation, wasn’t even a thought, because I witnessed him be assaulted by the police. My sympathy was reserved for him, us and our Mom weren’t even a factor in my mind. Unprotected we were, and we definitely were NOT going to be protected by law enforcement. My father was no longer a part of the equation, he was a non-factor, he was irrelevant in my mind in regards to protection. We were thrown to the wolves, basically. It was just us and Mom, on our own, without our home.

Before all of this, when we had a nice, comfortable, typical middle-class living two parent home, I remember feeling protected. I distinctly remember my father showing up at our elementary school after I mentioned to him that my teacher had hit a child in my class with a “pointer stick”. Do you remember those pointer sticks with the yellow tip that teacher’s used to point a the chalk board? Well my 1st grade teacher, struck my classmate with it, after she yelling at him in front of the class for misbehaving. I was stunned, but quiet as usual, and made a mental note about it. I didn’t intend on addressing my parents about it, it casually came out of my mouth to my father. Doing as he taught me, informing him about an injustice, wrong done by an adult with authority. I felt protected and accounted for that day, especially for the fact that my father came solo without my mother.

The story isn’t over, I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค”: The Daddy Issue Part 5 ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ”๐Ÿ’” …..

Continuing from the thought of, never standing a chance, we overcome, beat the odds, and manage to maintain some form of consistent communication. We know the relationship with our father is worth the push, although we never had a fair chance. Never had experienced a consistent father, with consistent “normal” father behaviour. Please understand, I mean the basics, that a child with a present father (non-abusive), and active in their lives would expect. Knowing that he will be there in the morning when you awake, and if you ask him a simple question, he will answer and follow through on his word. He will be there most of the time, without turning his back on you out of the blue. Pretty much what we’d expect out of our mother, parenting basics.

We spend our time trying to figure out the catalyst for their offish behaviour, feeling as though we are conducting a life long case study. Accountability falls on us, and we end up blaming ourselves. I’ve realized through time, the communication line I have built with my father, is faulty. I was taking on a role of a protective parent, unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that I’ve lived without him. It wasn’t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and there’s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority…I’ll continue in my next blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค”: The Daddy Issue Part 4๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ’”โ”…..

Continuing from where I left off… I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled.

We continued with the the topic of emotional support, we try to be emotionally supportive, regardless of the circumstance, but that is NOT a child’s responsibility. We feel responsible for their emotions, while ignoring and repressing our own. “This is why I’ve allowed so much bull**** to fly in my relationships!”, she began to explain. The pain and frustration in her voice was painful to hear. She expressed her regrets for giving the wrong people so many chances. She said she felt guilt, and that she may have unintentionally set a bad example for her children. She told me that she felt ashamed of herself for the nonsense she’s normalized. The passes she gave to people who did NOT deserve it. She said WE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE! and I agreed. Your first example of what a man should look and act like, is your FATHER, Whether you realize it or not. I say this in the case that you have one, and/or remember the times he was around. I remember the first time I heard that a long time ago, from a talk show something.

I’m embarrassed to say that I used to expect inconsistent behaviour from men. Not necessarily “bad” or “good” behaviour, just inconsistent. I’ll get more into that in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค” : The Daddy Issue Part 3 ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ’”โ”๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝ….

A flood of texts from my bestie cousin, lead to an interesting back and forth about Fathers, and parenting. We hadn’t touched base in weeks, I was wondering how she was doing, and her messages caught me off guard. She explained a situation going on with her father with a slew of audios and texts, she was extremely upset and stressed. I was taken aback and empathized, as she told me how sad she felt. She sounded broken, more hurt than ever before, and I was moved more than ever before. We’ve always discussed this topic, regarding Father’s, and how to deal with and understand their sometimes odd behaviour. I’m trying to use the appropriate word to best describe their behaviour, and I’m having trouble pinning it…It can be random, unnecessary, difficult to dissect, and disruptive.

I was almost not going to respond, feeling I had no place to speak on it. I haven’t had a father around since I was a small child, and inconsistent at that. There are situations that I haven’t had to be in, situations that I have zero experience dealing with…Who am I to say anything??

For the longest time, I’ve thought about the fact that we feel as though we have to support them, and by support, I mean emotionally. That is not normal. We only think it is, because we’ve been conditioned by our upbringing. We witness our mother’s quietly “keep the peace”, we don’t quite understand why they aren’t speaking up, or “defending” themselves. At a younger age, we see our mother’s be passive, about things that WE even know should be addressed, or should be checked. Too young to comprehend the complex nature of adult relationships or marriage. There are convos had behind close doors, things not shown in front of children. Simply observing, confusion contradictions, seeping into our hearts, our subconscious mind, leaving a permanent impression.

I called her, and she proceeded to explain her disappointment, stating how a father “should” behave, I couldn’t help but ask her if it’s okay to interrupt. I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled….To be continued.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts๐Ÿค”: The Daddy Issue Part 2 ๐Ÿ’” ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ”……

Sorry for the delay, and for the “dabby” typo in my last post! I’m usually up writing at wee hours in the morning and that one SLIPPED me:/! I really meant daddy…Continuing from where I left off….It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I understand that a Daddy issue, can be any issue, or even expectation, good or bad that a woman may have tied to her relationship with her father. The angle I’m taking is slightly different than the Daddy Issue term that gets thrown around. Based upon my life experience thus far, I realized how much mixed messages I received and took on. So many of daddy’s issues I felt responsible for, ones he shared with me, thus aging my mind and soul. I always felt as though I was five going on fifty, understanding an adult’s issues oh too well, feeling as though I was the gatekeeper for his secrets and flaws. I truly felt responsible for his pain, and I never really knew why. All I knew is that, I believed his every word, trusted and adhered to his instructions on what not to do, the bad things that he said he did that destroyed him inside. I listened as though I was a university student at a lecture. He wasn’t around all the time, so I figured this was important to him, I’d better listen! I showed him the respect that he deserved, yet with a child’s mind thinking, CAN I GO PLAY NOW??? Lol

I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค”: The Daddy Issue PT 1….๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ”๐Ÿ’” ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

Daddy issue? I never thought there was one, I never thought I had one. I trusted my father as a child, he was around enough for me to be familiar with him. He lived in our house, married to my mom. He was in no way a foreign figure to me. The lessons he taught me, I have shared in previous blogs. I’ll never forget when I was five or six, he got me ready for picture day. Mom wasn’t able to that morning, and I remember feeling a little worried lol because I wasn’t sure he could do it. It was the one and only time, and he did an amazing job. He combed my long hair into pig tails that he did a good job braiding. He even parted my hair well. The outfit he chose was quite stylish, a white collared shirt with a cute black vest. As girly as I was, it was a refreshing change from the usual “flowery”, dresses, or patterned outfits. If you’re an 80’s baby, you’ll know what I mean. That pic, and that picture day was one of my favourite, and I remember the photographer saying, “Great SMILE! Good job!”. I only needed one take. My father made that an extra special day, a memory I will always cherish. The few times I’ve mentioned these type of memories to him, on a long distance call, there’s an awkward silence…..On his part, although he does mumble a few nice words, showing me that he appreciates me acknowledging his role in my life. How do I know what he means, by that response? I know because our connection, I understand him on a different level. Time and distance didn’t change that, and I tried to hold on to it, for dear life. I tried to appreciate it and keep it going, regardless of the circumstances.

I never had a daddy issue, well not that I know of, and I never thought about or questioned his role in my life. I never cried to my mother asking where he was, when he was gone for long periods. None of us did. It was common knowledge that he chose to be away, and would return on his own accord. We were young and innocent but understood this, children can feel it. You observe your surroundings, you watch and listen, and eventually draw your own conclusion.

Never did I think an issue with trust and security would later arise in my life, and without therapy, I would have the know to directly correlate it with a “Daddy issue”. I thought a Daddy issue meant, to have a direct issue with your father, a problem that you can name, that’s had a negative impact on your relationship…..So what if you don’t, but are simply trying to make sense of and understand HIS issues?!

It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I will continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts ๐Ÿค”: The๐ŸŽ„Holidays๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ’ญ…..

Every year I give Thanks to the Lord that I made it through. It’s been a long challenging year, but a good year, all things considered. I was happy to hear from a relative who’s dear to me, my great-grand aunt (83 years old) that raised my mother. Her call meant a lot to me, because I think of my Mother around this time of year. She told me that I crossed her mind, and she thought to call me. This gave me the opportunity to speak on Mom, and Thank her for doing such an impeccable job raising her. She Thanked me for ensuring that mom received a proper burial, and that was very important and significant to me. I felt a sense of accomplishment and relief, a beautiful note to start the holidays and end the year.

I think of my Mother and all of the great Christmas’s that she gave us. l’ve had folks question me about my take on Christmas. There isn’t a conversation or debate that hasn’t been had regarding Christmas since my teenage years. They assume that I don’t celebrate it, or acknowledge it, because I stopped putting up decorations a long time ago. I don’t scramble to spend money on the knick knacks that we’re “supposed” to buy, and I don’t expect presents from any of my loved ones. I don’t feel as though I have to keep up with the advertisements, store displays, or expectations of others. I cherish the memories of Christmas past, and try not to feel ungrateful.

The holiday obligations and fake stuff I can do without, and I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with it. I find it odd that people who are just a text or call away, choose to gather only on designated holidays. It looks more like a “photo op” than a genuine get together based on love, and appreciation for the birth of Jesus. If I was checking in on you all year, my text or call shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. I wish you well throughout the year.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts๐Ÿค”: The Vacant Carousel ๐ŸŽ  …..

I meant to share these thoughts a few months ago, but I thought they weren’t that important, and pretty depressing. I was inspired by an empty carousel in that same mall that I wrote about in the start of last year. I stopped in because I was commuting for an appointment. This mall usually would be full of people at this time of day, and it was still pretty empty. We were in a time where the virus restrictions had loosened up again, and folks were enthusiastic to hit their favourite familiar stores.

As I quickly walked through the corridors intending on grabbing only a few necessities, I didn’t know what to expect. Surprisingly there was no long cafeteria table, there was nobody there with a clipboard and pen, asking me to sign in. I guess the rules and restrictions protocol had changed. There were only a few people scattered in sight. The Fantasy Fair was desolate, and something about it creeped me out. I was in a rush, but I had to stop to take a pic of this “social distanced” carousel. It touched my heart, I found it odd and I felt a sense of sadness looking at it. To me, it represented the past, the present, and what I see coming in our new pandemic norm.

I thought about my first time riding a carousel as a child, seeing it jammed packed with children, waiting for my turn. I remember carefully examining each horse, trying to decide which one looked the best, to ride. I thought about enjoying these outings with my mom and siblings.

I’ve found myself becoming even more cautious in public, and overthinking in instances that I usually wouldn’t. I’ve checked myself a few times on that. Now we’re back to the same vibe as last year, due to the new variant that’s been announced. There are folks that are overly cautious, folks who don’t seem at all to be concerned, and folks who are frustrated, annoyed and over it. There are activities that I was looking forward to doing, that may have to be put on hold. I try not to think about what I won’t be able to do, and continue to count my blessings.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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While We Continue To Keep Our Distance, Behind The Mask ๐Ÿ˜ท….

I was in a restaurant waiting in line with a lady and two children that I assumed were her sons. The boys jumped around, bouncing on the “social distance-floor-markers”. She glanced at me, and apologized for their rowdiness. I don’t at all consider children playing in that manner to be “rowdy”. I thought it was cool and cute that they created a fun game while waiting. If I was a kid, I think I’d do same thing. Can you imagine growing up in this type of environment? As tumultuous as my childhood was at times, I still can not imagine it. This was early in the year, when schools were not open, and lock down rules were strict. As I waited for my order, I asked the lady if the boys were twins, because they had a twin vibe. I love seeing twins, as I’m one, and I’m usually able to spot twins on the spot, regardless of what type. She responded, yes they are! I told her that I could tell, simply by their twin energy. She said that they actually look, absolutely nothing alike if I saw them without the masks, and she was surprised that I was able to sense they were twins. They didn’t look the same regardless, they even had different hair colors, but I still knew they were twins. I could sense their twin energy and bond, especially by the way the were playing together. I was proud that my “twindar” was still on point, and I’m not losing my instincts considering we’ve been masked for two years.

It’s interesting to watch the world as we continue to keep our distance. I still feel as though I’m observing from afar, recording what I see. I continue to count my blessings, and try to reduce my stress levels any where I can. I still find myself smiling behind my mask with folks who speak to me in public, or pay me a compliment, and forget that the person can not see it. They may catch the smile in my eyes, I hope.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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