I felt comfort and peace, realizing within a few seconds, this is what’s been missing in my life. Her presence gifted me a feeling of hope, as though ANY and EVERY problem would be solved without struggle or strife. It wouldn’t take a decade to solve a challenge that could be solved in a day, nor would it take so much pain, caused by deliberate push back.
Her caring, productive energy, so forward-thinking…I felt she truly was trying to help us, such an uplifting and inspirational energy. She usually doesn’t speak to me in my dreams, not that she needs to, but I always understand and know exactly the message she is trying to bring to me. She was standing in front of me, holding up a set of lovely curtains that she made herself, I knew this automatically, because she was quite the seamstress when she was alive. Upholstering old pieces of furniture, making them look beautiful and classic, which always blew me away. This was a natural skill she had, that I did not inherit, but always respected and admired her for it, which I told her when she was in the flesh.
Behind her was an array of curtains, of many different, styles, patterns and colours, beautiful, and looked of quality. I thought, How did she do so much work, in such a short amount of time?? And why did I assume that she had less time? This is the thing about dreams, they can immediately make sense, or have you questioning, with logic, which you’re really not supposed to do, because dreams do not always walk straight…
My spirit told me that Mom was trying to show me something, and it was beyond the curtains, so when I awoke, I made note of the dream, and made note to tell my father the next time that we speak on the phone. This was a dream that had a message for ALL of us, and she deserves reciprocity for all that she did for us, with a clean heart. I will continue in my next post, Have good night and Good sleep!
I approached the corridors slowly opening them, to make sure that there wasn’t anybody behind them, possibly sitting or laying on the floor, I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t help but notice the homelessness displayed in a different way than I was accustomed to, on the drive up. It bothered my spirit, when I saw a glass bus shelterfilled to the brim with a bunch of stuff, clothes, belongings, looking like a mini bachelor pad. I was taken aback, and saddened, as I pointed it out to my Aunt while she was driving.This was my first time time witnessing a fully occupied bus shelter, it looked unreal, and established, as though the city allowed it to be that way...
My eyes felt slightly heavy from not getting adequate sleep, as I continued to stress through the days and nights. I was walking, feeling as though I was semi floating, my feet felt lighter for some reason. I almost felt as though I was in a dream, what tends to happen when I end up in places, that are oh so familiar, yet a mystery. The energy and vibe of the place was sooo laid back, it felt like walking back in time, into simpler times, like the 90’s. The aroma was the first thing I first noticed,very familiar and pleasant and had a hint of sweet, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it...a lingering perfume or cologne, which was not overbearing. It reminded me of a popular scent from the 90’s, a vibe, familiar, a generic scent, that everyone was wearing back in the day, the ones that everyone would be wearing after free samples were handed out in the mall. I truly felt as though I was walking through the 90’s, it was so cool, yet so strange! lol At that moment, I definitely felt my age! I wished there was somebody with me, to ask if they recognized that throw back scent!
I made my way to the front desk, to ask for assistance as I was instructed to do, prior to my arrival, for security reasons. Guests are instructed to ask for security and take the elevator, or something of the sort, however they weren’t much help, so I continued on my own, making my way to what looked like the door to a stairwell. Yes, Bingo! I entered the stairwell, and it looked strangely familiar,the colour of the carpet, the feel beneath my feet, the texture WOW, it definitely had NOT been changed. It had an almost bouncy feel, like you could run or work out on it, looking as though it had not been changed, since the conception of this Centre. My feet quickly pranced along, and I found the door that I needed, I noticed the energy on the floor, was almost too calm, as though there had never been anybody on it. So quiet, slow-paced, laid back, helped to put me at ease, as I was not here, for leisure, I had an important, and urgent task to accomplish. The blessing in this task, brought me closer to my overall goal, and I did get a sense of closure after I left…I will continue in my next blog.
I stopped for a few seconds to take a quick pic of the stairwell, because it truly brought me back in time.
It was nice to take a different route, I love looking out of the window, seeing areas that I grew up, and haven’t seen in the longest time, until an important task or errand takes me out there. Bringing me a feeling of comfort, safety, curiosity, slight confusion, and beautiful nostalgia. I’ve felt at times as though I tripped back in time, and I’m trying to makes sense of where, what and how, I ended up in a particular place. I continue trying to piece together, pieces of my childhood that I feel as though are missing, or fragmented. I strive to figure out where they fit, like trying to complete a puzzle. I was telling my Auntie this, as we drove down the Gardiner Expressway, and I was taking in the the “Grass Art”, and the advertisement logos, that have been there from back in the day. I explained to her that every time I see them, I flash back to sitting in the back of a taxi cab, at night, gazing out of the window as cars speed by, capturing the night scene, the waterfront, the grass art, the vibe of the city. And, although, I do not know where we are going, I do not ask, and sit quiet with the rest in the back, fighting heavy eyelids, trying to stay awake, until we arrive at our destination, because waking up in an unknown place can be a tad traumatizing. Do you remember those days, as child? Falling asleep during a loooong car ride, and being woke up to a different place, space and time? As your Mom gently touches your shoulder, and rocks you to wake you up, your eyes slowly open and you felt as though you were sleeping for centuries, like a sleeping giant from from the children’s story book…
Moments and memories embedded in my soul, the city awakens in me, regardless of the occasion. We touched down many diverse spaces, due to circumstances that were beyond my control. I was innocent and not old enough to grasp the magnitude of how much we endured, along with Mom, alone, and how it must have been from Mom’s point of view. She modestly navigated areas of the city, diverse spaces, with us gathered around her, while she pushed a stroller with a small baby and a toddler, walking beside her, walking in front of her, holding her hand if she had one free to hold. Watching her carry bags, along with a baby bag, just to run a simple errand…Damn…It can be challenging doing it alone, car-less, on a tight budget, moving quickly through rush hour, on guard for personal safety, and terrible drivers! So, how did she do it everyday, all alone??
February came quick, and we’re almost near the end as the months roll by. Now we received a much anticipatedextremely HEAVY snowfall, which has put a dent in our pre-spring dreams, as daylight savings time is around the corner. Now the streets look almost unreal, like a winter wonderland, but with extra, EXTRA snow!! It’s been years since we’ve experienced this level of snow fall, I don’t remember it being this extreme, AND for days in a row. So the streets and roads don’t have time to recover. The snow continues to pile up, layering on top of large mini hills, that almost resemble mini avalanches on people’s front lawns. This winter, our below zero weather has hit down to approx -17 with the windshield, which we accepted graciously, because the lack of snow made it a lot easier to tolerate. It was only before so long that we would receive a true dose of snow that would interrupt our days, and becoming an obstacle course to navigate. I love to walking for exercise, and my daily walk is important, and imperative for my health, both mental and physical. So although the snow is a nuisance, I treat it as an add-on to a workout. I enthusiastically layer up, and leave for an hour plus walk, keeping up a brisk speed, as I listen to my favourite playlist from the 90’s, as I whisk through, and step over the mushy, unleveled, higher than ankle, snow. My destination will take me approx 2 hours, at least to go and return, hopefully safely, and I factor in the time it may take to get around the unpredictable snow accumulation in other areas. I brace myself for the bottom of my pants to get wet with snow, and my hands, gloved up, for premature frost bite, dangerous ICY patches, AND extra pressure on my legs, and knees which are not as “youthful” as they used to be! lol So, I am careful and cautious not to twist them in the unforgiving snow.
This photo was taken on the way to run errands, AFTER a few days of snow removal, and it was -7 which was tolerable enough to stop, take off my gloves, fumble with my phone, and take a decent pic.
So, I successfully made it to my destination, completed my errands really quickly, and started trekking back, on the opposite side of the street, thinking it may be a better choice. Moving strategically, to avoid slipping in the mounds of under-knee level snow. Boy, was I wrong! It was just as bad! Possibly worse, and there was no way to tell until you start walking, and turning back is NOT an option, borderline dangerous, however, you just gotta keep it moving! So, it may take me an hour to get home, but it’ll give my legs some more workout, how I can I complain?!
I restarted my playlist on one of my favourite, beautiful, inspirational and calming tunes by BabyFace, “Exceptional”, as a wisky, light, snow began to fall and winds picked up, making it difficult to see. As winds picked up, I couldn’t help but notice the elevated level of politeness and comradery between people who walking by. I made sure to stop, and give others space to get by, and they did the same, and said Thanks as they walked past me. They even made eye contact, or gave a nod, or even a smile. It was endearing, as I love good manners, and basic human regard in weather disaster times. The gracious level of patience, that we do not usually exercise on a regular day, seems to be available from the majority it matters the most! Imagine if we did this on the road while driving, regardless of the weather?!
First off, I hope that you had a productive 2024 as we’re blessed to have made it through!! As the end of the year approached, after my birthday passed in November, I was proud of myself for navigating the year without compromise. This included taking a necessary break from social media, and although I wasn’t posting, I remained plugged into mainstream media, and all of the sad news that affects my spirit. I try not to absorb all of the pain and suffering that I see, which has become more difficult to do, due to the homelessness that is spreading all over the city, around the least unexpected corner. It became another strange norm, that I never thought I would see in real life, as some of these folks that approached me, reminded me of vintage Hollywood, my absolute favourite film era. On one almost perfect weather summer afternoon, a well dressed, clean looking gentleman, wearing a pair of tan coloured tailored slacks, with a collard green sleeveless shirt, fit to size, ran across the street and calmly approached me. I noticed how neatly combed his hair was, which reminded me of a 1930’s paperboy. He looked as though he walked out of another time period, like a 1930’s novel character, who crossed over from another dimension. His attire was current, yet old and “retro” style, at the same time. He approached me, and politely asked for change, running from across the other side of the street, as though he had spotted me. His energy was peaceful, and innocent, as he calmly approached me as though he knew me. His energy was unexplainable, almost as though he was not human. His energy was clean from what I could read, and I really wanted to help him, feeling as though the others around would ignore him. I was walking towards the busy grocery store, hoping to be in-and-out, grabbing a few items. I let him know I would give him some change after I was finished in the store, real quick. He said okay, and once I exited the store, he was gone. So, I scoured the whole area, looking to see if he was lingering around, but he was gone. I felt weird inside, and thought to myself, Where the heck did that dude go?? I was very quick in the store, and I have a handful of change to give him. I confused, and more weird for some reason, and was not sure why. Maybe it was his attire and energy, he didn’t seem real…and I wish someone was with me, so they could’ve witnessed him. Would they have seen him the way I did? And would they have noticed his attire they way I did? And would they have question WHERE he came from? Because, the way this city has changed and the direction that it’s going is quite confusing, and the prevalent homelessness crisis, does not have a “face”, and there is no way to ignore it. What is going on with this city??!
Later that evening I went back out before it dark, walking in the opposite direction, and noticed on the sidewalk a trail of dimes and nickels, before I reached the stoplight. It was so strange that they were laid out literally as a trail, as though placed purposely. The side walk was empty, and I thought to myself before picking them up, why couldn’t that young man be the one to find these? If he were around, I would give these to him…that simple. Blessed New Year to you, Happy 2025:)
First off, my apologies if you follow my blog! I felt a little guilty neglecting it, but I added bits and pieces along the way, until I was ready to share. I’ve been off social media as well, but I did hop on months ago to share that I had a health scare, which was not easy to share. It’ been a full year since I started this blog, and I promised myself that I would complete it and post, once I was settled at my new space. I was recuperating, after my fall in July of 2022, and allowing myself to heal and reflect. It took a year for me to come full circle, and my new surroundings have contributed to that. I feel refreshed and renewed, actually enjoying writing and finally completing this blog series. The lessons that have come with this have helped me to better understand myself, and my place in the world, which I will be sharing.
Creativity can be difficult to tap into, when your health is not up to par, well for me at least. I felt as though I was battling myself, pushing myself as I was running on empty, kind of like a car running on an almost empty gas tank, hoping not to break down, and make it to the desired destination. As my energy had been lower than it’s EVER been, I wasn’t able to bounce back after a good nights sleep, as usual. This was different, and I felt symptoms, but I felt I was bigger than my body and would overcome it. It started to affect my progress, reaching my goals, moving forward, and work. My body felt as though it was running on empty, and I didn’t stop to see why, just continued to push, and push, until I was forced to stop. Health always comes first and I was not aware of how much my frame was suffering, considering I am health conscious. I felt as though I had failed myself, and felt guilty for feeling weak, and finally having to apply instructions to take it easy, and slow down, was half the battle.
I’m blessed to be alive, and I do not take a day for granted, however…I truly felt at peace when I faded to black on that day. The beautiful part was, I woke up to a renewed faith in humanity, and THAT was unexpected.
I’m late with this post, please forgive me, I meant to post it after Father’s Day. Been going through a lot, busy, changes in my schedule, and living situation and trying my best to work around it. Regardless, I am grateful, counting my blessings everyday, and always writing nonetheless.
I notice Father’s Day on my calendar as soon as it rolls around, and make a mental note to call or text my father. Father’s day has always been slightly awkward for me since I was a child, for a few reasons. For one, my father was not with us on a consistent basis, as I’ve shared in previous blogs. He went from being a somewhat stable figure in my life, to eventually non-existent. His influence and presence seemed to become irrelevant, and I simply got used to it. After we lost it all, and he was incarcerated, there was no need to keep up with Father’s Day. I was just surviving with my Mother and siblings. We spent an adequate amount of time in women’s shelters, where Father’s Day was obviously not a priority.
I completely forgot about Father’s Day, until it came up in school. Make your father a card day! The teacher announced, and as I loved creating and arts and crafts, I was not enthusiastic. I didn’t want to feel out of place and awkward, but inside I did. I knew I couldn’t tell my teacher that I just didn’t feel like participating. I didn’t go into a category, as the few children who didn’t have a father, because their’s had passed away. They were treated in a very sensitive manner, instructed to sit at one table, and create a card or whatever they wanted. This made sense to me, and I felt empathized with those children, however I didn’t know where I stood. I had no reason to address the fact that my father was locked up, deported or whatever, yet I still felt strange…A part of me almost wanted to tell my teacher, as though I was confessing or admitting that I felt the way I did.
Continuing from the thought of protection…I was taking on a role of a protective parent,unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that I’ve lived without him. It wasn’t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and there’s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority. I felt vulnerable, confused but didn’t show it, none of us did. Crying, showing fear, asking why?, asking Mommy where’s daddy going? What’s going to happen to him?? Was completely out of the question. Per usual, I tried to intellectualize the situation, while considering my Mother’s point of view, remaining cool, calm and collected as expected.
I’ve wrote about this in a previous blog, we saw our house on the evening news, watched the police search the front lawns of our neighbour’s houses. I knew at THAT moment my life, our life would never be the same. Father’s role, the responsibility HE held in the situation, wasn’t even a thought, because I witnessed him be assaulted by the police. My sympathy was reserved for him, us and our Mom weren’t even a factor in my mind. Unprotected we were, and we definitely were NOT going to be protected by law enforcement. My father was no longer a part of the equation, he was a non-factor, he was irrelevant in my mind in regards to protection. We were thrown to the wolves, basically. It was just us and Mom, on our own, without our home.
Before all of this, when we had a nice, comfortable, typical middle-class living two parent home, I remember feeling protected. I distinctly remember my father showing up at our elementary school after I mentioned to him that my teacher had hit a child in my class with a “pointer stick”. Do you remember those pointer sticks with the yellow tip that teacher’s used to point a the chalk board? Well my 1st grade teacher, struck my classmate with it, after she yelling at him in front of the class for misbehaving. I was stunned, but quiet as usual, and made a mental note about it. I didn’t intend on addressing my parents about it, it casually came out of my mouth to my father. Doing as he taught me, informing him about an injustice, wrong done by an adult with authority. I felt protected and accounted for that day, especially for the fact that my father came solowithout my mother.
The story isn’t over, I’ll continue in my next post.
Continuing from the thought of, never standing a chance, weovercome, beat the odds, andmanage to maintain some form of consistent communication. We know the relationship with our father is worth the push, although we never had a fair chance. Never had experienced a consistent father, with consistent “normal” father behaviour. Please understand, I mean the basics, that a child with a present father (non-abusive), and active in their lives would expect. Knowing that he will be there in the morning when you awake, and if you ask him a simple question, he will answer and follow through on his word. He will be there most of the time, without turning his back on you out of the blue. Pretty much what we’d expect out of our mother, parenting basics.
We spend our time trying to figure out the catalyst for their offish behaviour, feeling as though we are conducting a life long case study. Accountability falls on us, and we end up blaming ourselves. I’ve realized through time, the communication line I have built with my father, is faulty. I was taking on a role of a protective parent,unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that I’ve lived without him. It wasn’t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and there’s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority…I’ll continue in my next blog.
Continuing from where I left off… I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me,three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled.
We continued with the the topic of emotional support, we try to be emotionally supportive, regardless of the circumstance, but that is NOT a child’s responsibility. We feel responsible for their emotions, while ignoring and repressing our own. “This is why I’ve allowed so much bull**** to fly in my relationships!”, she began to explain. The pain and frustration in her voice was painful to hear. She expressed her regrets for giving the wrong people so many chances. She said she felt guilt, and that she may have unintentionally set a bad example for her children. She told me that she felt ashamed of herself for the nonsense she’s normalized. The passes she gave to people who did NOT deserve it. She said WENEVER STOOD A CHANCE! and I agreed. Your first example of what a man should look and act like, is your FATHER, Whether you realize it or not. I say this in the case that you have one, and/or remember the times he was around. I remember the first time I heard that a long time ago, from a talk show something.
I’m embarrassed to say that I used to expect inconsistent behaviour from men. Not necessarily “bad” or “good” behaviour, just inconsistent. I’ll get more into that in another blog.
A flood of texts from my bestie cousin, lead to an interesting back and forth about Fathers, and parenting. We hadn’t touched base in weeks, I was wondering how she was doing, and her messages caught me off guard. She explained a situation going on with her father with a slew of audios and texts, she was extremely upset and stressed. I was taken aback and empathized, as she told me how sad she felt. She sounded broken, more hurt than ever before, and I was moved more than ever before. We’ve always discussed this topic, regarding Father’s, and how to deal with and understand their sometimes odd behaviour. I’m trying to use the appropriate word to best describe their behaviour, and I’m having trouble pinning it…It can be random, unnecessary, difficult to dissect, and disruptive.
I was almost not going to respond, feeling I had no place to speak on it. I haven’t had a father around since I was a small child, and inconsistent at that. There are situations that I haven’t had to be in, situations that I have zero experience dealing with…Who am I to say anything??
For the longest time, I’ve thought about the fact that we feel as though we have to support them, and by support, I mean emotionally. That is not normal. We only think it is, because we’ve been conditioned by our upbringing. We witness our mother’s quietly “keep the peace”, we don’t quite understand why they aren’t speaking up, or “defending” themselves. At a younger age, we see our mother’s be passive, about things that WE even know should be addressed, or should be checked. Too young to comprehend the complex nature of adult relationships or marriage. There are convos had behind close doors, things not shown in front of children. Simply observing, confusion contradictions, seeping into our hearts, our subconscious mind, leaving a permanent impression.
I called her, and she proceeded to explain her disappointment, stating how a father “should” behave, I couldn’t help but ask her if it’s okay to interrupt. I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOTacting like afather, and to me,three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled….To be continued.
Sorry for the delay, and for the “dabby” typo in my last post! I’m usually up writing at wee hours in the morning and that one SLIPPED me:/! I really meant daddy…Continuing from where I left off….It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I understand that a Daddy issue, can be anyissue, or even expectation, good or bad that a woman may have tied to her relationship with her father. The angle I’m taking is slightly different than the Daddy Issue term that gets thrown around. Based upon my life experience thus far, I realized how much mixed messages I received and took on. So many of daddy’s issues I felt responsible for, ones he shared with me, thus aging my mind and soul. I always felt as though I was five going on fifty, understanding an adult’s issues oh too well, feeling as though I was the gatekeeper for his secrets and flaws. I truly felt responsible for his pain, and I never really knew why. All I knew is that, I believed his every word, trusted and adhered to his instructions on what not to do, the bad things that he said hedid that destroyed him inside. I listened as though I was a university student at a lecture. He wasn’t around all the time, so I figured this was important to him, I’d better listen! I showed him the respect that he deserved, yet with a child’s mind thinking, CAN I GO PLAY NOW??? Lol
Daddy issue? I never thought there was one, I never thought I had one. I trusted my father as a child, he was around enough for me to be familiar with him. He lived in our house, married to my mom. He was in no way a foreign figure to me. The lessons he taught me, I have shared in previous blogs. I’ll never forget when I was five or six, he got me ready for picture day. Mom wasn’t able to that morning, and I remember feeling a little worried lol because I wasn’t sure he could do it. It was the one and only time, and he did an amazing job. He combed my long hair into pig tails that he did a good job braiding. He even parted my hair well. The outfit he chose was quite stylish, a white collared shirt with a cute black vest. As girly as I was, it was a refreshing change from the usual “flowery”, dresses, or patterned outfits. If you’re an 80’s baby, you’ll know what I mean. That pic, and that picture day was one of my favourite, and I remember the photographer saying, “Great SMILE! Good job!”. I only needed one take. My father made that an extra special day, a memory I will always cherish. The few times I’ve mentioned these type of memories to him, on a long distance call, there’s an awkward silence…..On his part, although he does mumble a few nice words, showing me that he appreciates me acknowledging his role in my life. How do I know what he means, by that response? I know because our connection, I understand him on a different level. Time and distance didn’t change that, and I tried to hold on to it, for dear life. I tried to appreciate it and keep it going, regardless of thecircumstances.
I never had a daddy issue, well not that I know of, and I never thought about or questioned his role in my life. I never cried to my mother asking where he was, when he was gone for long periods. None of us did. It was common knowledge that he chose to be away, and would return on his own accord. We were young and innocent but understood this, children can feel it. You observe your surroundings, you watch and listen, and eventually draw your own conclusion.
Never did I think an issue with trust and security would later arise in my life, and without therapy, I would have the know to directly correlate it with a “Daddy issue”. I thought a Daddy issue meant, to have a direct issue with your father, a problem that you can name, that’s had a negative impact on your relationship…..So what if you don’t, but are simply trying to make sense of and understand HIS issues?!
It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I will continue in my next post.
Every year I give Thanks to the Lord that I made it through. It’s been a long challenging year, but a good year, all things considered. I was happy to hear from a relative who’s dear to me, my great-grand aunt (83 years old) that raised my mother. Her call meant a lot to me, because I think of my Mother around this time of year. She told me that I crossed her mind, and she thought to call me. This gave me the opportunity to speak on Mom, and Thank her for doing such an impeccable job raising her. She Thanked me for ensuring that mom received a proper burial, and that was very important and significant to me. I felt a sense of accomplishment and relief, a beautiful note to start the holidays and end the year.
I think of my Mother and all of the great Christmas’s that she gave us. l’ve had folks question me about my take on Christmas. There isn’t a conversation or debate that hasn’t been had regarding Christmas since my teenage years. They assume that I don’t celebrate it, or acknowledge it, because I stopped putting up decorations a long time ago. I don’t scramble to spend money on the knick knacks that we’re “supposed” to buy, and I don’t expect presents from any of my loved ones. I don’t feel as though I have to keep up with the advertisements, store displays, or expectations of others. I cherish the memories of Christmas past, and try not to feel ungrateful.
The holiday obligations and fake stuff I can do without, and I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with it. I find it odd that people who are just a text or call away, choose to gather only on designated holidays. It looks more like a “photo op” than a genuine get together based on love, and appreciation for the birth of Jesus. If I was checking in on you all year, my text or call shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. I wish you well throughout the year.
I meant to share these thoughts a few months ago, but I thought they weren’t that important, and pretty depressing. I was inspired by an empty carousel in that same mall that I wrote about in the start of last year. I stopped in because I was commuting for an appointment. This mall usually would be full of people at this time of day, and it was still pretty empty. We were in a time where the virus restrictions had loosened up again, and folks were enthusiastic to hit their favourite familiar stores.
As I quickly walked through the corridors intending on grabbing only a few necessities, I didn’t know what to expect. Surprisingly there was no long cafeteria table, there was nobody there with a clipboard and pen, asking me to sign in. I guess the rules and restrictions protocol had changed. There were only a few people scattered in sight. The Fantasy Fair was desolate, and something about it creeped me out. I was in a rush, but I had to stop to take a pic of this “social distanced” carousel. It touched my heart, I found it odd and I felt a sense of sadness looking at it. To me, it represented the past, the present, and what I see coming in our new pandemic norm.
I thought about my first time riding a carousel as a child, seeing it jammed packed with children, waiting for my turn. I remember carefully examining each horse, trying to decide which one looked the best, to ride. I thought about enjoying these outings with my mom and siblings.
I’ve found myself becoming even more cautious in public, and overthinking in instances that I usually wouldn’t. I’ve checked myself a few times on that. Now we’re back to the same vibe as last year, due to the new variant that’s been announced. There are folks that are overly cautious, folks who don’t seem at all to be concerned, and folks who are frustrated, annoyed and over it. There are activities that I was looking forward to doing, that may have to be put on hold. I try not to think about what I won’t be able to do, and continue to count my blessings.
I was in a restaurant waiting in line with a lady and two children that I assumed were her sons. The boys jumped around, bouncing on the “social distance-floor-markers”. She glanced at me, and apologized for their rowdiness. I don’t at all consider children playing in that manner to be “rowdy”. I thought it was cool and cute that they created a fun game while waiting. If I was a kid, I think I’d do same thing. Can you imagine growing up in this type of environment? As tumultuous as my childhood was at times, I still can not imagine it. This was early in the year, when schools were not open, and lock down rules were strict. As I waited for my order, I asked the lady if the boys were twins, because they had a twin vibe. I love seeing twins, as I’m one, and I’m usually able to spot twins on the spot, regardless of what type. She responded, yes they are! I told her that I could tell, simply by their twin energy. She said that they actually look, absolutelynothing alike if I saw them without the masks, and she was surprised that I was able to sense they were twins. They didn’t look the same regardless, they even had different hair colors, but I still knew they were twins. I could sense their twin energy and bond, especially by the way the were playing together. I was proud that my “twindar” was still on point, and I’m not losing my instincts considering we’ve been masked for two years.
It’s interesting to watch the world as we continue to keep our distance. I still feel as though I’m observing from afar, recording what I see. I continue to count my blessings, and try to reduce my stress levels any where I can. I still find myself smiling behind my mask with folks who speak to me in public, or pay me a compliment, and forget that the person can not see it. They may catch the smile in my eyes, I hope.
Fell asleep while watching some video, and had one of those black out slumbers that provide me with a random, meaningful, detailed dream. I dreamt that me and a bunch of other people who I don’t know, were deep under water in some water world. We were all in human form, and able to breathe with no equipment. For some reason, we were in a classroom setting being instructed by a teacher. We were attentively listening as strict instructions were being dictated RE “swimming style rules”. Yes, swimming style rules. The teacher was telling us that we are NOT allowed to swim by using certain motions, and that we must only use motions that are unassuming, light, and inconspicuous. I was absolutely floored! I didn’t say a word, and continued to listen waiting to hear the logic in these strict instructions. I was confused, and thought to myself, “What the hell?!?! What difference does it make how we swim??? it’s our body!!!” I continued to listen puzzled asf, and heard someone from above yell out in protest, but I couldn’t see them. I then I awoke to a random video playing on my laptop, and thought ooooh! I gotta stop falling a sleep with videos playing. I knew however, that my dream was not because of that. These “uncertain times” have taken a toll on my subconscious, regardless of how well that I’ve navigated it all thus far. Believe it or not, this was actually one of my most “normal” dreams that I’ve had in the past two years. It was the underwater world that theme that I had me questioning myself though. I did not check a dream dictionary out of curiosity, there was no need in this case. We are in this world, but quickly being pushed into a New World that makes any other world seem normal…That was the first water world dream I’ve ever had. I hope you enjoyed!
I can’t help but notice the significant changes in the portions and amount of food in packages since the pandemic started.
I opened up my lipton cup – a – soup pack, poured it into my mug, and was unpleasantly surprised to see a lot less product. It looked sparse in the bottom of my mug. Considering most of the contents is powdered stock with a sprinkle of noodles anyways, I was very annoyed!
This is one of the only boxed food products that I purchase, but I really like it. I’m not sponsored by the company, nor am I trying to promote them, but I really like this non- perishable product in my pantry. It’s affordable fast, convenient, and very easy to make. It’s a nice hot snack, and it helps to hold my hunger, especially when I intermittently fast. You can add anything you like to make it eat like a meal and it will taste great. I’m actually drinking a mug right now, with lots of walnuts added. The bitterness of the walnuts is masked by flavour. I usually add lemon, hot sauce spinach, fresh garlic, and onion, to boost my immune system.
The new semi-quarantine has brought up feelings in me that I don’t want to acknowledge, but I must. There are times where I feel that I can fix all of the worlds problems, while simultaneously healing my myself. There are times where I feel that I have the power of a super hero, and super powers, that I can touch my wounds and they will heal on the spot. I feel I have the power and strength within, to never to quit until I’m where I need to be. I feel I can do it all on my own if need be. Then, I have days where I feel that nothing I do is enough. No matter how much I try, all of my efforts will never amount to the outcome that I’ve been working towards.
As we all continue on in these intense times, I can relate to everybody all around me. From the successful business owners who have been shut down permanently, to the single parents trying to balance their budget, to the “upper-middle” class folks eating fancy dinners on the sidewalk everyday. We all crave normalcy, in any way we possibly can. Eating out every night is normal to some, and getting a chance to eat out once a month is normal to others. Some folks have it financially harder than others, while others can not cope emotionally while their fridge is full.
I sit back quietly, trying not to take anything too personal, trying not to take anything on. I feel terrible every single time I walk past a homeless person on the street. I have always given money, even when I was down to my last dollar, but lately I have not, because I can’t. I was raised to “Always give to those who are less fortunate than you” words ingrained in me by my father.
It’s an inner “empath” battle, it does not stop. I am happy however, that I still feel, and have not been numbed or desensitized. I love that about me the most.
Since my last chocolate post, I have managed to curb my cravings tremendously! I’m very proud of myself and I thought it would be more difficult than it actually was. To give a ball park figure, I’d say I curbed my cravings by ninety percent. Now, I can keep a box of Glosettes for a week or longer, only eating a small palmful at a time! I can keep a pack of mini-snickers for a month plus. I can control what time of day I eat certain snack and sweets. I don’t need chocolate the way I did months ago, I don’t need to have that trusty hot chocolate on hand anymore. Not needing these extra sweet products in the house, helps save money for healthier alternatives.
Since cutting back, I’ve had some different cravings for sweets I have not had in a while. I had a craving for fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, the ones that come in dough form. I saw a few types in the grocery store, and was surprised to see one said on package, “Safe to eat raw”. I thought to myself, Wow! After all these years cookie dough has been deemed safe to eat raw??? Interesting…back in the day that would be cool. I used to bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch with my siblings when I was a kid. I loved to scrape the bowl after. Now this company is promoting eating raw cookie dough, I guess cookie dough ice cream ain’t enough? Don’t get me wrong, everybody has a guilty junk food pleasure, but keep in mind these companies are all about the DOUGH! No pun intended. I’ll continue more on this sweet topic in another post.
So, the second wave announcement has come after we were just getting used to the new “NEW”norm. Restaurant hosts standing at their podium on the sidewalk, has been a very strange sight, but I’m happy to see them working. Swiveling around folks lined up at the open front restaurants, seems natural now. As tables began to be set up on the sidewalk, and the road, as local cafés changed their window signage, I knew the threat of another shutdown was looming. Back in March I thought I heard them say, that the virus could not survive in hot weather, so by summer the virus will fizzle out. Regardless of every theory that we’ve heard, something obviously isn’t adding up. The protests and questions RE the new rules, will not let up because we’re receiving mixed messages.
It is very weird that the security in the store corridors is even stricter the mask rule is turning into law, and the social distancing floor markers are now in new places.
While all of the essential workers continue to provide us all with the services that we need, keep in mind some have lost their pandemic pay. I think that is completely unfair, considering we are ALL still going through it. In the meantime, I’ve made sure to personally Thank the employees that help me, at least on a week. Especially if I frequent a store on a weekly basis. I tell them that their service has been awesome dealing with this. I also fill out those online surveys that are on the receipt, and am sure to include the name of who helped me.
I try to fill out those surveys at least one out of three visits, and include the name of the employee who helped me in the comments. You can help lift their spirits, and remind them that their efforts MAKE these business run. Also, we need to send a message to these large corporations that their employees are what MAKE the business.
Try to do this, make somebody’s day, while we all navigate through these strange but unusually beautiful times of change.
I’ll never forget hearing my mother pleading with them to let us go, let us leave the area, so we wouldn’t have to witness any violence. I always Thank God that my mother was a very calm and logical woman, because she properly addressed the police in a non-aggressive manner. She always spoke eloquently in any situation. I’ll never forget hearing her pleading with the police to please let us go! She didn’t want us to have to see any violence but her pleas fell on deaf ears. I did not understand why we were not allowed to leave the area and get away from the scene. We were not doing anything wrong.
The violence seemed to last forever, I forgot all about my house, my toys, the safe feeling that I had moments before they came. There were so manypolice, and none of them were listening, or helping us. We stood there frozen in time, that’s how it felt. My mother was asking them to allow us to go away from the situation for a reason, she was trying to protect us. Unfortunately, she had no control over the situation and the best she could do to protect us, was NOTARGUING. Now that I’m older, I understand that, wholeheartedly. Had she argued with the police, they may have tried to put their hands on HER, orarrest her too. We ended up leaving in a taxi and going to my Aunt’s place, and I never went back for a long time. I did however see my house on the news at my Auntie’s place, but that’s another story.
I was meaning to complete this blog for weeks, but I had so many other thoughts to share. In wake of what’s been going on in the world regarding police, it’s been overwhelming taking it all in. I chose to share my most important encounter with police that unfortunately, happens to be negative. Regardless, Istill respect the law and the police. I was taught by my intelligent mother, (RIP) how to speak to the police and she never encouraged us to act up. I understand that CORRUPTION is the problem, police who do not follow their oath to “Serve and Protect”. I do not blame the police for coming to arrest him, or even raiding our house. I do however, think that children should be removed from these type of situations. If not by the police, by CPS or in Toronto we call it “Children’s Aid”.
I know the reason why we were forced to stay there and watch, an example was being set, it was done on purpose.
As I said in a previous blog, I never wanted to distrust the police. After this event, I was left with a negative impression, I viewed them as violent.
So, the rules have let up and everyone is finally outside taking in the hot weather. Toronto summers don’t last long, so soaking up the sun while it’s out, is a must. The thirty degree plus weather has been consistent which is pretty surprising, and folks are taking advantage. The streets look practically back to normal, no longer deserted at two in the afternoon.
I love the summertime scenery in this part of mid-town and I never thought I’d experience seeing it in this state. As I walked home at night from running my errands, there was a lot going on outside. It was very festive and beautiful, with all of the restaurants lit up, and tables set up outside. It’s been a while since many shops or restaurants were open, and past seven o’clock for that matter. The majority of businesses are open, but now “they” are saying there’s a possibility of another shutdown…Again.
You may live in an area that may currently be shutdown already. The news is up and down everyday, it’s a rollercoaster of information we’re all riding on. So, I hope for the best, but expect the worst.
Up until now, there wasn’t a mandatory rule for wearing a face covering to enter the grocery store, now there is. I get it, and I’m okay with it, but I do have questions. I find it very odd that there are so many rules and regulation signs posted everywhere, in the tightest of spaces. You have to practically walk on the road with the cars to avoid walking into a dinnertable set up on the sidewalk. While folks eat their dinner, they are not wearing masks and neither are the folks waiting to eat. Of course. I was worried that I may trip up a waiter with my pullcart, so I went around a tree on a sliver of sidewalk. Navigating the streets is becoming more uncomfortable than when this pandemic first hit. With all of the social unrest, extreme heat, simply trying to breathe with or without a mask, managing money, the next to impossible social distancing rules, you have to keep your peace of mind in tact.
Am I fully prepared? No, and I’m not feeling as comfortable but I’m mentally preparing, and my intuition and common sense hasn’t let me down yet.
I will continue in my next blog, have a productive day.
Recently I had an encounter with a stranger in a fruit market that left an impression on me. An older gentleman approached me at the counter as I was paying for my items. It totally threw me off that he came up to the counter, since we are supposed to be “social distancing”. He was ranting, repeating, “Señora!! I am poor, I need help, no money! I am poor! I am poor!!! Please Señora!!!” He caught me off guard, I turned my head to look at him. He was sweating and sounded out of breath. He looked as though he had ran for miles before coming in the store. I was annoyed and slightly agitated, because he was interrupting my transaction. I looked directly at the cashier expecting them to tell the man to leave, because he was very disruptive, but nope. His hyper, frantic loud energy really killed my peaceful vibe, and although I was annoyed, I cared to hear what he was trying to tell me. He had a hand full of change with a few loonies, and perched on the counter a carton of eggs. I guess he didn’t have enough to pay for the eggs, and I felt bad for him. Regardless of how annoying and rude I thought he was, I could see he was desperate, or maybe he had some sort of mental issue. You never know in the city, and I try not to judge a book by it’s cover. As I completed my transaction, I looked in my wallet to see how much I was able to spare, as I spoke him. I dropped a loonie in his hand and he began to examine it. I realized that it didn’t have a graphics or writing on it and maybe he was wondering if it was real. He was quickly counting up his money, and he did not say Thank you. I usually would have commented on the lack of manners, but I was fixated on his actions. I felt compassion for him, he was simply trying to buy some eggs. The grocery prices are going up since this pandemic hit, and many can not afford the basics. The privately owned business are even more expensive than a franchise store, but the more intimidating to enter. As I walked home I thought about how the elderly are adapting, considering how quickly everything is changing. I thought about the fact that overnight your local store may be too expensive. I imagined being elderly in this neighborhood. I thought about the fact that he may have been just dollar shy of the price, and freaked out. I thought how the government is not looking out for our elderly it should be. Everybody should be able to afford groceries, and at least the basics in this country, especially the retired elderly.
That encounter helped me realize that we must all look out for one another, especially the most vulnerable. This has been a difficult time for everyone, and it’s not going to get any easier. I am out here trying to survive as well but giving a little can’t hurt. I am willing to go without to be able to help another in need, especially the vulnerable. It makes me sad that I can not help more.
I understand that in this age, social media is therapeutic for many to express their feelings. Maybe it’s just me, but posting on social media is not my first thought after hearing news of a loved ones passing. Devastating news takes more than a minute to sink in, and death is the hardest to process. I’ve expressed my opinion in the past, regarding what I consider irresponsible use of social media RE loved ones. I am naturally a reserved and shy person to a degree. It took me years to get used to posting daily, especially my actual current thoughts. I don’t mind sharing, but it’s important to process your thoughts, so you can understand them, before sharing. The problem with death, is that everyone process death differently, and folks may get you twisted, based upon what you do or don’t post. I’ve witnessed a few celebrities be attacked or trolled online for posting “too late” on the passing of a loved one. I find that completely insane. It astounds me how relatives of celebrities deal with the passing of their famous relatives while the world posts their face. I do understand it comes along with the territory, but imagine not knowing that they passed away, and that’s the first thing you see! That would be difficult to deal with, for me at least.I couldn’t imagine total strangers re-posting info and details that I didn’t know about, especially when the news is fresh. About a week ago, I found out a very close friend of the family that was like family to us had passed away in a fatal car accident. I had to contact a relative to confirm that the news was true. The feeling of not knowing frustrated and annoyed me. It’s wrong to find out about the passing of a friend or relative via social media because it you can’t trust that the info is true. It’s the same as seeing a post about a celebrity death on a blog site or social media. You don’t necessarily know if the news is true, it could all be hearsay. Folks don’t hesitate to post, or re-post a story without fact checking first.
It’s horrifying to unknowingly log into your social media account, instantly see a photo of a friend or relative, with a blown up photo on your screen with the caption “Rest In Peace”.
This is all my opinion of course, I don’t expect my friends and family to feel the same way however, there’s nothing better than direct contact when handling mourning. I love to celebrate what that person brought to my life, with the people who knew and loved them best. There’s nothing better than the real thing, and talking about the best they brought to our lives keeps their light alive.
I’ll leave it at that for now, this is never an easy topic to write about but I hope you find the logic in my thoughts.
I always found the manner which news articles are written on people who passed away, very strange. When I was a child, I would curiously read the daily paper wondering, why would they post this???
I did not understand why they would write an article about a person, with nofirst or lastname, yet post their age. I didn’t understand the reason why the articles were seemingly unfinished, with only a few details. A short explanation about what the “alleged” story was behind what actually may or may not have happened to the person. The article would sometimes even say the story is not confirmed yet. If there was a photo included, sometimes the photo wouldn’t match the age description. They’d list their age as thirty- something, but a use a high school graduation photo with the article.
It simply didn’t make sense to me, and it saddened me. It seemed to reduce the person’s life/legacy. The world would be reading about a person, that was way more than the article. Your whole life and legacy reduced to a soulless, detail lacking news article, that reads as though it was drafted in five minutes…
When I grew up , I understood the reason behind why those articles are written in that manner. The details behind what actually happened may not have not been researched or confirmed, but they will publish! It’s just an article for a newspaper, it’s business, and something must be published, whether it’s accurate or not. There’s more to say, but I will continue in another post.
I never wanted to distrust, dislike, hate, or fear the police. I never wanted to witness first hand how violent and aggressive they can be towards a complying citizen. I never thought of the police in terms of “race”, I never thought of the police as an enemy….. they were just men, in uniforms, with a gun, that were supposed to protect ME.
I saw a side of the police that I had never seen before. I saw them hurting someone, they were hurting my father! We were right outside of our house, it was so bizarre. Everything happened so fast, I was already shooken up by having to abruptly leave my house. I didn’t understand why they had to do this??? He was not resisting arrest by any means, and I did not hear him saying anything to the police. My father is far from perfect, but I had never seen him be violent towards anyone. He most certainly hadn’t been violent towards me, or any of us kids. Did he deserve this treatment??? Why is this taking so long??? Why hurt him, aren’t they supposed to put handcuffs on him on take him away??? Why do they need SO MANY COPS TO BE ON HIM??? My father is a very tall, lean man, and as he was being draped up by about four cops, he looked like a rag doll being tossed around. I disctinctly remember the backyard area of the house next door had long stairs going down. They brought him down there, I did not see what they did to him though. I was so confused and disgusted. I wasn’t even crying, none of us kids cried. I was trying to process and understand what was going on. I wanted to go back inside of my house! I wanted this all to stop!
I’ll never forget hearing my mother pleading with them to let us go, let us leave the area, so we wouldn’t have to witness any violence. I always Thank God that my mother was a very calm and logical woman, because she properly addressed the police in a non-aggressive manner. She always spoke eloquently in any situation. I’ll never forget hearing her pleading with the police to please let us go! She didn’t want us to have to see any violence but her pleas fell on deaf ears. I did not understand why we were not allowed to leave the area and get away from the scene. We were not doing anything wrong…..
Even writing about this incident is upsetting to my soul. My life, my world, ALL that I knew changed forever after this incident. I will continue in another post.
I was meaning to post this blog earlier last month, it seems as though time is whipping by and we’re trapped in an hourglass…
I walked outside in the afternoon, to what felt like a different country. It was as if summer literally arrived overnight, the tempermental weather finally chose summer! Overnight it seems as though the virus has disappeared, and is no longer crippling our lives. I walked outside in the afternoon, to what felt like a different country. Folks strolling by were wearing shorts and t-shirts, and most definitely were not wearing masks! I was happy to see and feel the sun, not covered by clouds, pure sunshine, bright and warm! It’s about time that my body gets a nice dose of vitamin D, but it sucks that I’ll still need to wear a mask…I really need to breathe some fresh air, and soak up a little sun before it goes away! Okay, so the majority of pedestrians are not wearing masks. I’m not one to follow the crowd, but I want to make sure before I walk any further, I am prepared. I want to make sure I am allowed to enter the businesses that I need to go to. I don’t know if the rules for masks have changed because there hasn’t been any new announcements. The question is, to mask, or not to mask? I need to breathe, so I’ll walk without wearing one, for once, and do my best to “social distance”. I’ll try my best to avoid crowds as usual. Thank God everyone is pretty polite around here, we’re all staying out of each other’s way. We’re all trying to take advantage of this beautiful weather. Look at how happy those children are riding their bikes! Some folks are even trying to catch a tan, as though the sun will never come back out again.
Collectively we’re over it, the news said the virus can survive in hot weather. I know I’m not the only one who is questioning what is really going on??? No conspiracy theories, just simple observations. We only get about three months of summer out of the year, and we’ve had autumn-like temperatures in between. It doesn’t feel natural, there is no balance.
I wouldn’t be surprised if it hailed tomorrow, but I would be happy to see tomorrow.
I had to put the continuation of my last post on pause, there’s some thoughts I need to share…
Depending on where you live, the social climate outside may be different, it’s been calm over here, and I’m fortunate for that. Keeping up with the local news, the worldwide press conferences, ALL of the “unrest” of the people, the misleading mainstream media, the controversy, the chaos, the blatant lies, and the truth can be overwhelming.
I one hundred percentunderstand the anger, frustration and pain of the folks who are peacefully protesting, in general, folks are fed up! Covid-19 quarantine stress, money troubles, many other factors have come into play. I’ve been keeping a level head for the most part, but I did have a good long cry after watching a woman cry because her local store was destroyed. She wanted to purchase groceries for her children, and had no where else to go. There was another elderly woman who cried the same, because she had no clue where she would get her medication from…
The fires really blew my mind, I was gazed, lost in the blaze. I have seen buildings on fire in real life before, but I have never seen a whole neighborhood on fire. I have only lived in Western society, and have been fortunate to never have had to experience war. Watching these events on livestreams, is the closest I’ve ever been. I especially worry for the children and the elderly, they are defenseless. Can you imagine being a child, walking past the local grocery store in your neighborhood that you love to go to with your mother, and seeing it has been changed over night to a pile of ashes??? I understand history, and these events are supposed to happen, the children will live through it, as they have in the past. The difference for me with 2020, is there’s so much conflicting information, and agendas being pushed at once.
I saw a little girl be scolded by her mother in the store for touching her mask, then touching her face by mistake. Meanwhile, only approximately thirty percent of people in the store were wearing masks, and on the street mid-town street. Don’t they say that children are less susceptible to catch the virus?
I felt sad for that little girl because there’s so much confusion and mixed messages coming from adults. On top of it, these children will not be going to school apparently until autumn. I forsee that school promise may not go through, I would not want to have to explain that to my child.
My first experience with police was at five years old, when my house was raided, and my father was assaulted before my very eyes.
I shied away from sharing this story, partly because it’s not just my story, it’s my family’s story too. I was apprehensive because this incident changed our lives as we knew it. We’ve never really discussed the trauma aspect of it, but collectively, we saw police in very negative way that day. I may have mentioned this incident in a previous blog, but not in detail. I’d like to take you back in time with me, I want to share this story through my eyes as a child.
As I grew up, I understood my father’s mistakes and illegal activities are what lead up to the police raiding our house. He is accountable for that. The problem was, that WE the children were NOThandled in a sensitive manner, considering we had nothing to do with the problem. When I look back on this incident, I know it molded my view on law enforcement forever. It cemented negative expectations from them in my mind, and I lost my trust and faith in them, also part of my innocence.
Before this incident, I thought the way most five years olds do. I thought police were the “good guys” that always helped and protected everyone. I trusted the police. That’s what they taught us in kindergarten, right? They come into our classrooms and talk to us, and teach us about safety. They are friendly and approachable looking, with their shiny badge and neat uniform. I had no reason to fear or question the police, and my parents never spoke ill of them….On television, kiddie shows, Sesame Street, in cartoons, they were always the good guys.
I never wanted to distrust, dislike, hate, or fear the police. I never wanted to witness first hand how violent and aggressive they can be towards a complying citizen. I never thought of the police in terms of “race”, I never thought of the police as an enemy….. they were just men, in uniforms, with a gun, that were supposed to protect ME.
The very unfortunate, heart-wrenching, senseless murder of George Floyd(RIP) captured on camera by a bystander has shook the world. I tried to avoid watching the footage, because I didn’t need the picture in my head. I ended up watching one of my favourite YouTube journalists covering the story, and the clip was included.
The footage of him, terrified, fighting for his life, laying on the ground with a cop’s knee digging into his neck deeply upset my spirit. I felt an erie vibe, seeing George “passing out”, I was very upset, and the stress started getting to my head. I pictured myself standing there, and then becoming very agitated, watching the policeman kneel on this grown man. I pictured myself running up, attempting to pull the cop off of him, and then being manhandled by the other cop who stood guard. I witnessed my father be brutalized by a gang of police right in front of me, outside my house at I five years old. I think I told that story in a previous blog. This situation brought back that helpless feeling…
I rarely post on world trending topics, because I feel there are so many people repeating the same words, that my words will hold no power online. As a writer, I try to be sincere and write from a pure place, and if I’munable to, I simply don’t. I want you to know that keep I up with the news, all current events and trending topics in Canada, and worldwide. I try to keep up with the real people, the independent journalist online who speak the truth that the news will not. The aftermath has been truly disturbing to watch. Since it is all being livestreamed across the internet, my eyes have been glued to the screen. I am very aware, and completely understand the reasons behind the actions of the people, however I’m flabbergasted and deeply saddened by it all. I have shed many tears, since this pandemic hit, and these recent events have had me weeping. Some tears shed on others behalf, not all for me.
My spirit, my intuition has been telling me that we all will be left stranded in the same boat when this insane chaos is put to an end. There will be immense, irreparable damage that will have a trickle down effect to the majority of the population. You don’t have to be “woke” to see that the rules will shift very quickly and the new virus rules will look like a cakewalk in comparison. I’m going to leave it at that for now. I’ll continue in my next post.
Chocolate is my weakness when it comes to sweets. I always crave a little bit of chocolate throughout the day. I am trying to cut back though, and I must say, I’ve cut back tremendously from the start of the year. I have tried to eat only certain forms of dark chocolate, for a healthier choice, or specially made chocolate with less additives and sugar. That hasn’t worked to curb my craving, I end up craving the good stuff. I used to feel the need to always have some sort of chocolate on deck, chocolate covered almonds, chocolate candy bars, chocolate covered raisins, brownies, you name it. So, I decided to use hot chocolate to satisfy that daily craving, which has has helped curb that craving. I limit myself to one mug, and I don’t heap 2-3 tablespoons into the mug like I used to. A little almond milk is nice to add sometimes, and one mug leaves me satisfied for the day.
I don’t know if I’ll ever not like chocolate, and it’s hard not to glimpse at the chocolate candy isle when I am shopping. Force of habit. When I do catch myself looking off towards that isle, I tell myself that I don’t need it, and I already have some at home. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach a point where I won’t like chocolate.
I am weaning myself off of chocolate because I know that it is the sugar that I’m craving. The less of it I eat everyday, the more I realize that the need to eat it, is more in my head! And by the way, I did eat a little chocolate today, but it was just a little, for flavour. That’s all I really needed.
I have more to say on this sweet topic but I will continue in another blog.
I’ve improved since last month by a long shot, I find myself not craving candy as much, but my sweet tooth is still well and very active. I know that I will continue to crave sweets, but it’s just about sticking to a good substitute. Over the years I have tried many different healthier/natural foods to ease my cravings which has helped. Dried fruits like, prunes, apricots, and raisins are a good substitute for candy. They are very sweet, and jammed packed with nutrients as well.
Regardless of your financial situation, we are in the best time to moderate our diets. We all know that there is some form of sugar in practically everything we eat. Now is the time to make room for the foods that do your body good, that help to strengthen your immune system. You will be amazed at how much money you save once your try cutting out what is not really needed. The money that you save by cutting back, you can put towards the “marked up” prices to purchase fruits like strawberries, blueberries, avocados, pineapples etc. Those fruits tend to be pricey, compared to a large pack of skittles. You can also consider supporting your local fruit markets in your neighborhood, to help them stay open.
Regardless of how healthy I try to keep my diet, I still feel it necessary to indulge in a daily snack or dessert.
I am now focusing on what types of sugar I choose to eat through the day, and the times of day I crave sugar.
I’m glad that I am able to walk past the candy section without feeling the need to grab a box. The artificial glucose syrup candies are not as appetizing to me now, but I’ve had to fill the void with something.
As much as I love fruits, I still need something different as a substitute when the usual won’t do.
One of the reasons that I adore living in the city is, even during this shut down I’m still able to find one of my all time favorites. I finally found one of my carribbean favourites at a local fruit market, tamarind balls. They are made from natural tamarind, but processed with some sugar, and chilli. There are different types of these candies some are spicy and hot, some made to be more sweet. They definitely satisfy my sweet tooth. I don’t find myself feeling a “sugar high” after eating a few. That is the beauty of them filling in for my candy cravings.
I hope this post helped in some way! I’m going to grab a fruit before I start getting ready for bed.
I was meaning to continue on from my last blog, but I felt the need to share this with you, regarding dreams. Since the beginning of this quarantine, I have been having short weird dreams. Sometimes during a quick unexpected, drop asleep type nap. Sometimes after a long much needed proper sleep. My body clock has been off it’s usual schedule for obvious reasons, and the weather isn’t helping. I know these dreams are coming from a lack of consistency, but I still want to understand what it is I’m seeing. These dreams are more difficult than usual for me to read, because they are so short and random. I have to think a little deeper to figure where the ideas came from, and why they suddenly showed up.
Have you ever fallen asleep with the TV on and had influences from the program playing, enter into your dream? We’ve all been there, and sighed in relief when realizing it was just the TV, not actually ME. Well, these dreams are ALL me. The other day it hit me that the scenery, and the atmosphere outside has brought many of my actual dreams to life.
I have had this reoccurring dream of walking around in a large spacious vacant store. I am usually all alone, and there are barely any products on the shelves. Sometimes the stores look abandon, with old broken or used products on the shelves. Sometimes the store has everything, but what I really need. The worst is when I awake, upset and afraid of what I couldn’t find in the dream.
I have dreamt those “Bargain Harold’s” warehouse stores, that you will only know if you are from a certain era in old school Toronto. I used to love walking around with my mother and siblings in that store.
In real life, the streets are vacant and quiet, some stores have been boarded up, and through the windows some are a literal mess. I feel uneasy seeing this, but there isn’t anything that I can do. My dreams draw upon these feelings that I need to feel, and now I have no choice but to accept what’s going on outside. I don’t think I’ll be having those type of dreams anymore.
On a tight budget, time limit, and limited stock, simplicity is the key to grocery shopping in these times. You may have to wait outside an hour longer than you anticipated.
There’s no telling what tomorrow will bring regarding rules and regulations for essential stores. Shop as though your life depended on it, without the stress. Pick up the essentials first, the basic staples, the most nutritious foods the body needs. Consider the rest extras, to supplement your pantry, or add-ons you could live without.
This thought process used to be challenging for me, when I used to rely more on snacks. You will improve over time, and there’s no better time than now.
There are many items in the grocery store that youjust don’t need, omitting them from your list is a good start. Bunkers all over the store are packed with boxed snacks, full of sugar, salt, and preservatives. I haven’t seen a shortage of boxed snacks in a grocery store yet, and the prices are pretty good on those items. I don’t forsee an upcoming shortage of those packaged foods anytime soon. The news has yet to report on any possible shortages on chips and cookies.
If you have a favourite not so healthy snack, pick it, choose one and buy it in bulk. Ration it, create portions for the week, and have it as your main “guilty snack”. I eat pretty healthy on a daily basis, but I can admit to my borderline sinful sweettooth, that I’m still working on curbing.
This quarantine time has put my sweet tooth to the ultimate test, for obvious reasons. I have found myself buying my favourite candy of all time, “hot tamales” to carry me through. As of now I haven’t felt the need to buy them, my cravings have subsided with work! I will share more of my tips in my next post.
We have no choice but to adapt, because we don’t know how long this will last. What used to be a simple trip to the grocery store, is now a trip you really have to prepare for.
Yesterday was the first time in almost two weeks that I was out and about in the morning to shop. I was taken aback by the long line outside of the store, especially at that time of day. I hadn’t seen this outside of a store around here, and the gaps in between made it even longer. The “social distancing” and monitoring of the line is different in the busy daytime hours. That’s why I’ve been trying to avoid the crowded stores, and was only going out after dark right before closing. I need to get fresh air and sunlight, and I used to love to do my errands in the daytime. Standing in that line, I heard many people’s worries. I could’ve put on my headphones and plugged into my google play list, but no. I find it’s best to listen and take in the vibes of what’s going on around you. I felt sorry for the senior citizen who asked the grocery line security, “Are there senior citizen hours??” The reply was, “Yes, Monday and Wednesday.” I could hear the slight desperation in his voice, and I felt kind of bad for him. Some of the older folks don’t have any help, and have to shop amongst the general public. Another man ahead of me had to step out of the line to use the payphone that was two steps away. In typical “Canadian Manners” fashion, he turned around and told the man behind him, sounding slightly worried. He didn’t want to lose his place in line, even though we tend to be very understanding and polite. I usually would have offered him mycell phone to use, but I couldn’t, due to the virus situation. I barely touch my phone in public.
When it comes to hunger and food folks tend to act impatient, regardless of thecircumstance. Folks are generally worried, in the span of weeks, how to access basic needs, has changed tremendously.
We have to adapt, and help each other through this, by polishing up on our newly learned outside etiquette.
I am Thankful for the caring, polite, aware folks of Toronto. I will continue in my next post.
My perspective on food has changed since the virus pandemic hit, I will never look at food the same. I couldn’t picture not having access to certain foods, since I’ve only lived in Western society. Looking at bare shelves for weeks, and not seeing the basics like rice available in a mega grocery store, hit me hard. I could only imagine this, or dream it, which I have.
I have always believed that everyone has the “right” to eat. There is enough food available on the planet for all of us, and I don’t need research or stats to confirm this. I think I’m mentally and physically prepared to go without, if a food shortage did hit. Preparation is the key, training your mind and body while you have the time should be top priority. If you have issues with eating a healthy diet, now is the best time to practice better daily eating habits. Eating what you need to eat, not what you want to eat is a good start to change your attitude about food.
I have never taken food for granted, I’ve talked about growing up in poverty at times in past blogs. I’d be okay living on rice and beans, if need be, my life experiences have prepared me for that. There is not a day where I am not Thankful for the food that I put in my stomach.
Back in high school days when I worked at the grocery store deli, I learned how much food grocery stores throw away. I was appalled and felt very uncomfortable having to throw away recently cooked whole roasted chickens that I prepared. I witnessed the bakery clerks throwing all of the days left over buns and bread into large black trash bags. There were so many buns, three to five trash bags full. I thought they would at least sell some of them as “day olds” at a discount price. I inquired about the possibility of giving them away to a local shelter, or even to the last shoppers in store before closing. I never received a clear answer, as to why we couldn’t look into it. This bothered my conscience, I hated that part of my job. I know that if I was in a poor country, maybe there would have been arrangements made.
Everyone has the right to eat, and in these times take note of your attitude towards food. You may have no choice but to adapt to a new way of life due to the current climate. I have more to say on this topic, I’ll continue in my next post.
Before I left, I imparted words of encouragement on him, words that I had been telling myself:
Things may get WORSE, and very soon, but for now, these are just changes. It’s going to be different around here, but not completely. There will be some stores open to buy basic needs, even if it’s only two or three. It’s going to be okay, all you can do is stay aware, watch the news and relax.
This was all my intuition and common sense speaking, I have to protect my health from more than this virus. I was starting to get migraines that come when I worry, at the thought of figuring out what more to do. That was my warning to sign to relax.
I’m worried too but, I love the lessons that I’ve learned thus far. I am so blessed to have the food and I shelter I have as of now. All the food in this area is not going to run out over night. Folks are just in a panic and frenzy, I can’t let them throw me off my game. I’ve been through it before, fearcan not take over myfaith now.
All the while I am still worried, just eighty percent less than usual. That’s good enough for now, until the next step is announced.
The first day of the store shut downs, I had a deep conversation with a local produce market owner about the pandemic. He was expressing how worried he was about the government enforced shut downs and how it’s going to affect his business. He explained that the border shut down puts his shop in jeapordy, and if things don’t change in a week, he’s in big trouble. He said, “What are we going to do??? All the stores are closed. How are we going to feed our families??? After next week if this doesn’t change, I don’t know what I’m going to do…” He was very emotional as he spoke of the street, which is most popular for it’s restaurants and shops. His eyes were full of fear, and I felt his pain.
It was five o’clock in the evening, and the lights were out for majority of the stores and restaurants on the street. It looked veryweird, I had never seen this time of day so dead outside in my life. It felt unreal. I was worried too, as I carefully picked out my items, overthinking my tight budget. I chose to buy many bags of rice from him instead of the franchise store. I like to support small businesses, especially in these times. I visit his shop at least once a week, and I told him that I appreciate his store and his prices. His care for his customers, and fair prices is better than a franchise grocery store. I told him that as well and he smiled as he thanked me.
Although everything seems to be going haywire, I know I will be okay, because of what I have already overcame in my life. But I am still worried, I will admit.
I left him with some wise words of encouragement, that came from my intuition. I will continue in my next blog.
There’s no way I could be bored in admist of the quarantine/chaos/calm this virus has brought to Toronto. Simply observing what’s been going with my fellow man amazes me. I feel as though I am in a movie, not reality. As I woke up this morning I forgot all about it, but after a few seconds passed, It hit me, Oh yaaaathaaat! Then I sighed, feeling irritable.
Back in high school, I used imagine how it would be to live through a pandemic or plague of the past. Watching documentaries in history class had me fascinated. I couldn’t believe how they adapted to the situation, and they didn’t have the technology and freedoms that we have.
Last week in No Frills, a professionally dressed lady approached me asking if there actually was NO more toilet paper. We were standing in front of bare shelves. I understood her shock, but it surprised me that she looked so puzzled as to what to do next. I proceeded to let her know that a few dollar stores and markets up the road probably had some in stock. I knew that most folks in that area were only going to No Frills, which puzzled me. I was right, the few stores I went in had lots of toilet paper. The prices and sizes were actually fair, and no lines to stand in. Since we are supposed to be practicing social distancing, it was a safer way to go.
People were crammed in those long lines at No Frills like a can of sardines. I decided to take a risk and try a few independent stores. I assumed more people would do the same but, nope!
There was an influx of people headed towards the busy No Frills, I had a feeling majority were going in for bulk toilet paper at a “fair” price. I thought to myself, I guess people can’t get used to not buying certainproducts from different stores???
I don’t know what it is, but I feel fearis taking over basic common sense, and it’s bigger than toilet paper.
The other night I had a pleasant, quiet walk to the store last night, a perfect relaxed night for thinking. The weather was surprisingly not chilly, it was quite mild, almost warm enough to go without gloves. I felt at ease, relieved, and very enthusiastic to go for a walk. The streets were quieter than usual on a weekday night in this area. I felt slightly nervous because it felt looked more vacant than usual, but I liked it.
I was looking to purchase a few items, basic products that I assumed would be in stock. I’ve seen on the news that folks are stocking up on certain items, but I was in awe to see the shelves bare. This was one of several big franchise stores in this area, I had already visited one that was the same. I was flabbergasted. As I moved around the store quickly in search of the not-so-urgent items, I noticed a very elderly man laughing out loud, shaking his head. He was looking down at the dairy cooler very perturbed. I caught his eye walking by and he said, “There’s only ONE left!…. Do you want it?You can have it if you like ” I wasn’t sure what sure what item he was talking about about. I looked at the bottom shelf and it was pretty much bare, then I noticed one bag of two percent milk at the back. I don’t drink two percent dairy milk, that’s one item I actually did not need. I am an almond milk drinking gal, but the gesture of offering was very kind. For all we know they may be no milk ins rock for weeks. The elderly man, looked clearly oversixty-five, the age that is said to be most at risk still cared about my well-being. He displayed a certain politeness and old school chivalry, anyone could see he is from a different generation of values. I kindly Thanked him and jokingly responded that everything that I needed was out of stock, and fortunately milk was not one of those items.
I left the store feeling slightly annoyed, but had a sense of warmth and relief. The man’s kind gesture gave me a little more faith in humanity. As I briskly walked home, I thought about how important an act of fairness or kindness is, in times of fear or uncertainty.
The night was very calm, but I felt the frantic energy that was coming within the week. Most people will not be offering the last bag of ANYTHING, even if they truly want to share.
I’m going to share a personal story with a very valuable lesson regarding protecting yourself. I have written about self preservation and boundaries in the past, it all ties into maintaining your mental health.
Years ago after my mother’s passing, I was forced to make a decision that I wish I didn’t have to make. I decided to stay away from people that I considered my loved ones. The last straw was an unprovoked confrontation that was literally brought to my door. It left me feeling violated, betrayed and dirty. I cried to my Aunt that I had NEVER in my life felt so disrespected. My uncle called it an “ambush” and told me there was no excuse for it, it was wrong PERIOD. He advised me to stay away, and added that we are in the “last days”….
I had a quick dream several months before the incident, but I kept it in my mind archives. I filed it away, like I do with any dreams that may be important. I dreamt that I looked out my door peep hole, and there I saw them standing. They came out of nowhere, giving no heads up, no phone call, no text no email. I knew this wasn’t good, they did not come with good intentions. I didn’t answer the door, then I woke up.
I didn’t need a dream to warn me though, I felt the malice from kilometers away. I made a very conscious decision to stay as far away from them as possible. I already made several attempts to have a rational conversation. Both sides had already said negative things about each other. We both felt we were in the right, but dealing with my mother’s passing in a healthy way was top priority. My feelings about them, or fighting was not important to me.
The evening that they showed up at my front door unannounced, I went against my basic common sense, my instincts, and my intuition. They don’t travel all the way down to my place just for the sake of a visit, but all of a sudden here you are.
I always trust my intuition, but this time I went against myself, to appease the group. It’s very difficult being a part of a group, a family that you didn’t sign up to be in. Your rank in the group has already been created for you, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. The best you can do is contribute what you can to the group, and try not to step on any toes. I felt I owed it to them to let them in my space. I felt that since we’re related, it would be rude and disrespectful to leave them in the hallway.
They really didn’t deserve to come in my house, they did not deserve for me to waste my breath talking to them. They came for a fight, simple as that, and I saw and felt the evil intent. I only knew they were angry and bothered, because they made it a point to confront me. They used the guise of a “family intervention”(to question what was MY problem) but it was actually an ambush. Many of my relatives told me that I was ambushed and it was extremely wrong and uncalled for. They were upset about this, and I felt extremely hurt, betrayed and violated. The fact that I was accosted in my own space, by my own, changed my trust and expectations of people from then on.
I heard through the grapevine that they want to attempt to have a “meet up” to talk. My answer is, NO. There are no negotiations when it comes to my safety. If you will get in my face, threaten me or try to put your hands on mesimply because I don’t agree with youractions, I don’t need to be around you!!! I don’t care if we are related or not. Some people are simply, who they are. They only need you around to feed off your energy, or to validate them. By validate, I mean helping them feel like they are not that bad. I never stated anybody was bad, but by me choosing to consistently keep my distance, made themfeel bad.
It’s been about seven years since this happened, the incident scarred me, but I understand why it happened. I still feel uncomfortable writing about this, and I have been vague with some details out of respect for them.
I have more to share, stay tuned for my next post.
I woke up from a long dream that seemed to not have much importance, until the very end. I can’t even recall the exact details, but before I awoke, my mother was telling me to do something important. I can’t remember what it was, but I forgot to do it, and she was reminding me. I was very attentive and focused on her words, but unfortunately, I woke up and it was over.
A feeling of loss and confusion hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t move, I can’t get up until my mind clears, then there’s a moment of despair. I’m not there, and she’s not here, I even forget where I am. I tried sohard to remember what she was telling me to do, I was straining my mind to remember. I felt sad and disappointed, as though I had failed her or myself…..
When I wake up from random dreams about my mother, it always takes some time to snap back into reality. I know many people can relate after the loss of a loved one. No matter how many years have gone by, I wonder what it would be like to do the simplest things with her. I never had the chance to take her out to lunch, on me. I never had the chance to make her a cup of tea in my own apartment. The dream reminded me that time, the time I yearn for, will never happen, and that’s okay.
I must admit that I’m working through my issues with time. It’s a battle within myself, always feeling rushed or behind. What I think I’ve missed out on, wasn’t meant to be, and that’s okay too.
One of the most sad and troubling statements I have ever heard, is when he told me that he couldn’t cry…..
It was a long time ago, and we had just started getting to know each other. I will never forget the day, we had our first conversation about our childhoods and pain. He told me that he doesn’t have the ability to cry anymore. He told me that when feels to cry, he feels sad, but tearsdon’t come out… I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. I was looking him directly in his eyes, analyzing him. I immediately looked at him differently after hearing that, I understood him more. The look in his eyes made sense to me now. He looked defeated by his true feelings, as if he had given up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to repair him, but I alsoknew he truly trusted me.
I had never been to a funeral, and never experienced a close friend or family death. When he spoke about losing his father so suddenly and abruptly, it truly touched me soul. One of my biggest fears in life. I could not imagine losing a parent, especially at that age for them and I. He felt that he had to be strong for his mother, and his siblings, as though it was his responsibility. He showed me a few photos of him after his father’s death, he looked sullen, thin, and extremely stressed out. In a moment, I 100 percent understood his place in his family, and the damage that his mother inflicted on his spirit.
I thought, WOW. I thought I was damaged..I guess I wasn’t as damaged as him, I could still cry…my tears were able to flow effortlessly.
I felt sorry for him. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things I had ever heard. We bonded over our pain in a moment, which is sad in itself but beautiful at the same time.
I need my tears, I love my tears, I don’t know what I would do if I could no longer cry. My tears are as important to my eyes as sight. I feel relief after a good long cry. I try not to cry in front of others, because I know it will upset them. People have told me that they don’t feel comfortable seeing me cry. I have heard this throughout my life. I have shared in previous blogs, even during baby ages, choosing not to cry when in need. Adults, relatives who knew me since I was a baby can tell you the same, this is no lie. I’ve chosen to withhold my tears in many situations when I shouldn’t have. I sacrificed my inner peace to protect others from the pain of my tears.
Once on a dark rainy day, a stranger walked passed me on the street and said, “You made it rain!….. “ I wasn’t even offended by his random and uncalled for comment.
My energy was off, and I was crying, lightly but I didn’t think anybody noticed. I was trying to literallywalk it OFF. I knewthe man’s comment was said for a good reason. I felt that it was a message from the Most High, reminding me of what my tears represent. I know my tears hold power and beauty at the same time. I make a conscious effort not to waste them.
I remember as a child, my Mother (RIP) thanking me for not crying and being extra after I hurt myself. She didn’t mind me crying, but appreciated that I made it easier for her to deal with the situation.
Lately, I find myself shedding light tears at times when I think about certain things.
The tears slide down my cheek and are even a surprise to me, because I don’t feel so sad to cry. The tears aren’t always about me, they could be for anyone, even those I do not know….. I more to say, but it’s time to get ready for bed.
Stay tuned for my next post. Have a safe and productive Sunday.
There are a few points I want to add to the story from my last blog, it’s 2:25 in the morning but I had to release these thoughts. I hope they help you put public confrontation in perspective.
Immediately after I was accosted by the belligerent stranger, a younger looking gentleman approached me approx five minutes later. He approached me, and actually said the EXACT same thing with the exact same actions as the previous man. I wasn’t surprised by that, however I was surprised at how fast he left me alone. I responded to him pretty much the same way that I did the other man, except I said less words.
I was pretty calm already, so when he quickly walked away, I was relieved and happy. I was happy that I didn’t take any frustration out on him.I noticed his calm, humble energy, I felt he knew he was interrupting me, I think he mumbled “sorry” or “okay”. I appreciated his manners.
When in defense mode, you may assume the next person, may go too far. It’s only natural to assume, but you can not. I believe I manage to be cool and calm in public because I don’t hold the actions of one stranger against the next. I will still hold the door for next person, even though the previous did not say “Thank You”. If you’ve worked any Customer Service positions where you are dealing with the public you’ll understand what I mean. While on the job you are not allowed to mistreat a customer or client because the previous person was rude to you.
As you navigate 2020, remember, don’t let other people’s actions affect the way that you react. In these times it’s not worth it, and you’ll regret acting the fool! If I happen to slip up, I’ll be sure to tell you.
Exercising these lessons into your daily routine will only help your days run smoother.
I knew at that point, there was no need for me to attempt to speak or argue back. I was relieved however, because he stepped several steps AWAY from me before going off……Had he moved towards me yelling, I would have reacted differently. I wasn’t scared at all, I was more concerned about MYanger. I wasn’t trying to get riled up, or even engage in an argument with anybody. I felt he didn’t deserve my energy. He wasn’t worth my time. For all I know, he could be a murderer or psychopath. I just wanted him out of my face, out of my personal space. The fact that he was moving away from me showed me that he understood that I did not want him near me. I don’t think he knew though, that I am actually of the same ethnicity as he, and understood his patios and attitudeveryclearly. I allowed my logic to lead me and put my anger on the back burner. My calm disposition bothered him, he seemed offended. I couldn’t help but say something to him, as I shook my head. Words slipped out of my mouth after he said, “This is a PUBLIC PLACE, I can do what want!!!” I responded in a low calm voice, “And you’re still here talking…..” (meaning, YOU ARE FREE TO WALK AWAY, AND GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS!!!) I truly did not intend on saying anything but hey, my personality slipped out. He finally completed his rant, walking away in the direction from which he came, mumbling something sarcastic. I didn’t give a damn what he said, I was just happy he walked away and didn’t come close me. I felt irritated and shooken up by the abrubtness of the whole encounter, but also proud of myself. I passed the confrontation test, I felt as though he knew how silly he looked.
The moral and lesson of this story is, your anger is YOURS to control. I was so relaxed and in my zone before this man approached me. I made a vow to myself not to let anybody or any occurrence take me out of my character. It was as though I was outside of myself looking in, and acting up would be a betrayalto myself. Thinking that way, really helped remind me not to let anger get the best of me! I knew this was a test, because I had not been yelled at by anybody in a looong time until this happened.
Although I am not an angry person, I do have deep rooted anger that comes out in the worst ways at times. I have shared some experiences and stories in my blogs but there’s so much more I’m going to share with you. My personal demons are rooted in anger and control, over circumstances in my past that were beyond my control. I truly hope if you have similar issues, that my blogs help you navigate through them. I know the results are working through me, and even loved ones tell me they see the difference.
I didn’t write New Years Resolutions, but I have made necessary changes to my self that started last year. The changes are imperative to my health and well being. One of them are to improve on controlling my anger inside my body, and controlling the wordsthat leave my mouth in anger. It is a skill I am trying to perfect, and been working on as long as I have been aware of it. My loved ones have addressed it as well, called me out, checked me, and tried to help as well.
An unprovoked confrontation with a very large man in a public place, a belligerent stranger, put me to the test the other day. I was completely caught off guard but 100% maintained my cool inside which took the most effort! I know how to maintain my cool in public places with rude folks, however, yelling, swearing and aggression can really cause my anger to skyrocket. If it does not come out, it still does damage on the inside, regardless. The very large man approached me, leaned over on the chair beside me perching his face on the ledge, and said Hello. I said Hi back, because I have manners, but he was looking at me as though he expected me to proceed to talk to him. I already knew this, because I spotted him before he came towards me. I was chill, in a very chill mood, but I didn’t feel like having a conversation with this man. He had an energy that made me uncomfortable, and he had possibly been drinking. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody, and I felt he was a little too close for comfort. He yelled a very derogatory curse word in patois, because I told him veeeery politely that I did not wish to speak, and I was busy. Which I actually was! I try very hard in my daily life outside, not to offend or disrespect men in public. I am by no means the snobby type, who takes pride in being rude to people, especially men who approach me for ANY reason. It’s crazy these days, that anything and everything can be taken the wrong way when dealing with the opposite sex. I was very, very annoyed, and slightly shook up. I had the option of calling security to intervene and remove the enraged man, but I didn’t. He was already causing a scene, and I wanted NO parts of it. My bestie cousin also works there, she’s actually a head supervisor in charge of the floor. I knew she would take this matter on if she found out, I didn’t want to involve or upset her. Plus, she’s very protective of me. I didn’t want things to escalate, so I watched him with the corner of my eye…..quietly. I trusted my gut, and let the man continue to go off. Ironically he stated, “This is a PUBLIC PLACE!!!” I knew at that point, there was no need for me to attempt to speak or argue back. I was relieved however, because he stepped several steps AWAY from me before going off……
I will continue in my next blog, stay tuned. Good Morning or Goodnight:)
Dawn Lovely says.................. 