I’ve always felt as though I was battling time, or racing against it. In the back of my mind, I’ve always felt ten years behind. No matter how much I accomplished, I felt that I still didn’t do enough. I felt as though I was starting a race 100 steps behind everyone else. Not competing with anyone, but only with myself, and time. I know that father time always wins and time does not stop for anybody. I may as well settle this now, and not waste anymore time.
I decided recently that I would stop, I will quit sweating time, and not worry about it. I will not view time as my enemy, or feel that I have to compete with it. I’ve put a lot of stress on myself, trying to figure out what more I could’ve done to move forward, faster. Nothing I did ever felt good enough. I always felt ten steps behind of myself, and everyone else. I finally accept that I can not make up for lost time, on my terms. I don’t have the power to recreate all of the experiences that I feel I missed out on.
On numerous nights, I’ve lost sleep, wondering, worrying, recreating the ideal situation that I wish would’ve happened. At one point, I contemplated what having amnesia would feel like, I thought it would be a solution to my trauma. If I could not remember what happened then it would no longer bother me. I would no longer have the memory as a point of reference to my pain.
Feeling guilty for situations that were beyond my control, feeling that I was responsible for fixing any and everything that went wrong. Guilt would creep up on me, shame and fear. These demons would reappear time and time again. I felt as though I couldn’t escape them. They say time heals all wounds, and I agree with that, to a degree….
I recently received good news regarding my Mother’s burial (RIP) which brought me happiness, relief, along with immense sadness. It’s finally being worked on, and will be ready for people to attend soon. Haunting thoughts of whydid this have to take so long???? Accompanied with shame and embarrassement came over me, hence why I decided to share with you my battle with time.
I have more to share on this topic, I’ll continue in my next post.
Hey good day:) I hope your day is going good so far. I intended on posting this months ago, forgive me, as the opening of this blog was written months ago. I wrote it at the end of winter, as winter was ending going into spring.
The “mandatory” power outage last month, lasted for two hours, and I was thankful that I was given a heads up. I hoped it would not be any longer than two hours, and I hoped that it wouldn’t become super chilly down here. It’s a little chilly down here already. It helped that I was prepared for it, but I was still inconvenienced because my cell phone died! Usually this wouldn’t be a big deal, but because it wasn’t properly charged, my alarm for work didn’t go off! I was already showered and ready for work, but fell asleep for a bit, wrapped in a blanket. I was waiting for the power outage to be over! I was super annoyed that I woke up late! I’m always on time for shift, I’ve never been late! My manger texted me, asking if I was okay, she even texted that she was worried about me, and that I’m NEVER late! This is the first time I missed my alarm, and my manager was very understanding. It wasn’t a big deal, yet I was still bothered. Having no electricity really sucks, and we take it for granted.
So, we had yet another “mandatory” power outage, and had it lasted for twice as long, it may have interrupted work. That would not be good! I don’t think anybody in Toronto would be prepared for that. We’ve been blessed that they usually don’t last for a full day. We haven’t been left in the dark. We recently started getting severe weather, but nowhere near what has happened in Texas. Some folks say it’s “unnatural” weather, and I agree. I was watching folks down there, posting videos showing their firsthand account of the affects of the power grid going down. The flooding videos sparked anxiety in me, but I forced myself to watch them. The worst one, was a cell phone video taken by a mother with children. She was forced to sleep in her car with her children for warmth. There was no telling when she would be able to enter her home again. I could feel the chill in my bones, the discomfort, as though I was in her shoes. I reminded myself that it could be worse up here in Canada.
Fast forward to May: The double-down restrictions have just been announced, meaning many products are off limits, again. I was shocked to see that CANDLES, and LIGHTERS were included in this list. So candles are not considered essential???? Aren’t they the main go to when there is a BLACK OUT???? What the hell is going on here???? My friend and I had a discussion about this, as I exited the Dollarama in the evening. She couldn’t believe what I was telling her. Yup, candles are forbidden. The price of candles can be quite expensive, regardless of your budget. Fortunately, stores like Dollarama offer an amazing assortment of all types of quality candles, at low prices. I never thought that I would live to see the day that candles were considered “illegal” to purchase. I never thought I would see yellow tape sectioning off DO NOT ENTER ZONES on items like candles and candle holders.
So, we’re near the end of May, candles and lighters that were outlawed for almost a month, are FINALLY legal to purchase! During the law enforced restrictions, folks in the GTA questioned and protested against this ridiculous rule placed upon these essential items! Up to a week ago, the ban was lifted, but only on these items. I accidentally picked up a candle holder that was not covered with yellow emergency tape, and an emergency signal went off at the self check out! A cashier had to come and help me, to authorize me so I could continue checking out my stuff. I apologized to her, as she explained that the item was on the, “DO NOT BUY LIST”. I proceeded to tell her that it was an accident, and the item and section of shelf, was completely open, and NOT covered by yellow tape. I added that I try to avoid putting them in an awkward position! We both chuckled. I’ve been in every Customer Service reps position before, but this new world of outside rules, is on another level! I am sure to commend them and Thank them for their service on every shopping trip.
Please be sure to continue to stock up and candles, lighters, matches, portable lamps etc. There’s no telling if or when the yellow tape will go back up…I’m not kidding!
Only in my dreams have I walked through a ghost town mall. I’ve had a reoccurring dream for years where I’m wandering around a large empty or messy department store. If you keep up with my blog, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I know the reason I have these dreams, and I haven’t had one in quite some time. Those Dreams rattle my spirit, and leave me feeling sorrowful as I awake. It’s been a minute since I posted, but I’ve been drafting blogs all along. This post is a wee bit late, as we here in Toronto have entered into yet another 28 day lockdown/emergency stay at home order. This is from the day, I on the outskirts of the city, for my appointment. I decided to stop off at what used to be the closest place to shop at my old stomping grounds. I’m in no way a mall type person, or one who loves to shop, just for the sake of shopping. I like to shop, but with a purpose. I always try to carry a list, and stick to it. I can not shop out of boredom, and I don’t have the money to do that anyways. Wandering around a packed mall, trying to fill a void in yourself, while wasting money, is not healthy. It’s quite zombie-like, in my opinion.
It was quite surreal entering the good ole local mall, as I walked towards it, I felt as though I was in a lucid dream. Parking lot deserted, there were only a few people in sight, three people. The mall was finally open for business, but I wasn’t excited to go inside. There were only a sprinkle of cars in sight, and no snow to mask the vast empty parking lot. I decided to stop a stranger, and ask from a distance, what was actually open inside. He was the only person in sight outside of the mall, Thankfully he was, because he polite. He confirmed that the food court was open, I was happy to hear that! I missed those good ole bean burritos, one of my favourite things about this mall.
It was actually pretty chill and relaxing walking around, like a beautiful nightmare! No crowds, clearance sales everywhere, extravagantly low prices, and quiet. I felt gratified purchasing four nice tops for under thirty bucks, after a year of restricted buying. These stores are desperately trying to get rid of inventory from last year. I actually purchased an additional top that I really didn’t really want, but the cashier accidentally included it. I had placed the top on the counter to ask about the sizing, since we’re not allowed to use the fitting rooms. I was indecisive because of the size, but before I could tell the cashier didn’t want it, she had already rang it up. I didn’t want to buy anything extra that I don’t really need. I kinda felt sorry for the store, I know they need the sale, so I didn’t refund. As I was telling the cashier how much I love and miss this store, she said they weren’t allowed to be open until now. They weren’t allowed to be open for pick up either, because the mall had been shut down for almost a year. It felt good to be able to support this store, as they provided great product and service for years.
This pandemic and slew of shutdowns, has changed my view on shopping, and spending, even MORE. Shopping is a past time for some, and therapy for many. I get it, however, saving and preserving your budget, will help you feel more secure in these unprecedented times.