I meant to share these thoughts a few months ago, but I thought they weren’t that important, and pretty depressing. I was inspired by an empty carousel in that same mall that I wrote about in the start of last year. I stopped in because I was commuting for an appointment. This mall usually would be full of people at this time of day, and it was still pretty empty. We were in a time where the virus restrictions had loosened up again, and folks were enthusiastic to hit their favourite familiar stores.
As I quickly walked through the corridors intending on grabbing only a few necessities, I didn’t know what to expect. Surprisingly there was no long cafeteria table, there was nobody there with a clipboard and pen, asking me to sign in. I guess the rules and restrictions protocol had changed. There were only a few people scattered in sight. The Fantasy Fair was desolate, and something about it creeped me out. I was in a rush, but I had to stop to take a pic of this “social distanced” carousel. It touched my heart, I found it odd and I felt a sense of sadness looking at it. To me, it represented the past, the present, and what I see coming in our new pandemic norm.
I thought about my first time riding a carousel as a child, seeing it jammed packed with children, waiting for my turn. I remember carefully examining each horse, trying to decide which one looked the best, to ride. I thought about enjoying these outings with my mom and siblings.
I’ve found myself becoming even more cautious in public, and overthinking in instances that I usually wouldn’t. I’ve checked myself a few times on that. Now we’re back to the same vibe as last year, due to the new variant that’s been announced. There are folks that are overly cautious, folks who don’t seem at all to be concerned, and folks who are frustrated, annoyed and over it. There are activities that I was looking forward to doing, that may have to be put on hold. I try not to think about what I won’t be able to do, and continue to count my blessings.
I was in a restaurant waiting in line with a lady and two children that I assumed were her sons. The boys jumped around, bouncing on the “social distance-floor-markers”. She glanced at me, and apologized for their rowdiness. I don’t at all consider children playing in that manner to be “rowdy”. I thought it was cool and cute that they created a fun game while waiting. If I was a kid, I think I’d do same thing. Can you imagine growing up in this type of environment? As tumultuous as my childhood was at times, I still can not imagine it. This was early in the year, when schools were not open, and lock down rules were strict. As I waited for my order, I asked the lady if the boys were twins, because they had a twin vibe. I love seeing twins, as I’m one, and I’m usually able to spot twins on the spot, regardless of what type. She responded, yes they are! I told her that I could tell, simply by their twin energy. She said that they actually look, absolutelynothing alike if I saw them without the masks, and she was surprised that I was able to sense they were twins. They didn’t look the same regardless, they even had different hair colors, but I still knew they were twins. I could sense their twin energy and bond, especially by the way the were playing together. I was proud that my “twindar” was still on point, and I’m not losing my instincts considering we’ve been masked for two years.
It’s interesting to watch the world as we continue to keep our distance. I still feel as though I’m observing from afar, recording what I see. I continue to count my blessings, and try to reduce my stress levels any where I can. I still find myself smiling behind my mask with folks who speak to me in public, or pay me a compliment, and forget that the person can not see it. They may catch the smile in my eyes, I hope.
Fell asleep while watching some video, and had one of those black out slumbers that provide me with a random, meaningful, detailed dream. I dreamt that me and a bunch of other people who I don’t know, were deep under water in some water world. We were all in human form, and able to breathe with no equipment. For some reason, we were in a classroom setting being instructed by a teacher. We were attentively listening as strict instructions were being dictated RE “swimming style rules”. Yes, swimming style rules. The teacher was telling us that we are NOT allowed to swim by using certain motions, and that we must only use motions that are unassuming, light, and inconspicuous. I was absolutely floored! I didn’t say a word, and continued to listen waiting to hear the logic in these strict instructions. I was confused, and thought to myself, “What the hell?!?! What difference does it make how we swim??? it’s our body!!!” I continued to listen puzzled asf, and heard someone from above yell out in protest, but I couldn’t see them. I then I awoke to a random video playing on my laptop, and thought ooooh! I gotta stop falling a sleep with videos playing. I knew however, that my dream was not because of that. These “uncertain times” have taken a toll on my subconscious, regardless of how well that I’ve navigated it all thus far. Believe it or not, this was actually one of my most “normal” dreams that I’ve had in the past two years. It was the underwater world that theme that I had me questioning myself though. I did not check a dream dictionary out of curiosity, there was no need in this case. We are in this world, but quickly being pushed into a New World that makes any other world seem normal…That was the first water world dream I’ve ever had. I hope you enjoyed!
It’s been a month since I posted, but I’m always writing nonetheless. There’s been so much on my mind and heart, much I was processing, so I decided to take a break from the topic of closure. So much to keep up with, as we continue to navigate our new norm. Summer is almost out the door, and a sunny day over twenty degrees is cherished, good as gold. It was becoming slightly chilly, but then surprisingly warmed up, now it’s back to chilly. It seems as though Summer is officially over and my beloved fall is here. Autumn the most beautiful season, my favourite season, as I’ve shared before. I love autumn, and I don’t mind the sun kissed brisk weather. I’m ready for the change in wardrobe light jackets, and hoodies, pashminas over a top, rustic colors and cute Fall boots. I can’t get enough of the fallen crunchy leaves, such beautiful colors, beautifying the simple sidewalk. Autumn can do no harm in my eyes, and I’m doing my best to enjoy it, regardless of these trying times.
A warmer day in early October, fruit markets still have produce displayed outside.
There’s no way to explain the “social climate” at this point in time, I’m just observing and trying to maintain my energy, with every passing day. I stay mentally prepared, yet in awe of the constant announcements, and “discoveries” from the mainstream news. We are being constantly bombarded with new information that is imperative to our daily survival, yet confusing asf. Simplifying life as much as possible has been, and will continue to be the goal. I’m pretty sure you are keeping up with the local news, independent news, and so on. It seems as though we are all in the sameboat, and at the same time, not. The rules apply to all, and some, do not, which seems to be causing friction and dissension amongst friends and family. I find this to be very unfortunate, and counterproductive because all we have is us. It doesn’t make sense to go against one another at this point in time, as it will notelevate us to the level of the decision makers. Life may throw you a curve ball at any moment, and you could easily end up in the exact same position as your peer.
It seems as though we are going backwards, in many ways, which is very sad and disappointing. I have more to say, but will continue in my next post.
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the weather was close to perfect. I decided to hop on the streetcar and do a long walk, to a shop that I’d been meaning to go to pre-shutdown. I hadn’t visited this intersection in a year, and the last time I’d been round the corner I was a child. There was a restaurant that I wanted to go to, I was craving a bean burrito. I decided to walk down the people filled street, with restrictions lifted, it looked chaotic.
As I walked down the street, I was shocked at how busy it was! There were three times as many people, as the vacant street that I had walked down. There were pockets of homeless people, on both sides of the streets. I was taken aback, because I don’t remember this street being this way. My first instinct was to turn right back around and hop on the first bus back towards home. I felt overwhelmed, for a few seconds, very uneasy, uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure why. I took a breath, and shook it off. I realized that I was allowing myself to let fear take over me. I was afraid to face the confusion of my childhood trauma, the feeling unsettled from constantly moving around. The places I had faint but yet strangely familiar memories of, walking with my Mother and all of us kids. I had no reason to let fear guide me now, and I wanted to see this strangely familiar street. This street resonated with my soul, as many streets in Toronto do. I decided to continue walking, and walk strong, as my mother always said to me.
I started to feel a sense of nostalgia, as I approached the local Toronto public library. I immediately wanted to pull out my phone to take a pic, but somebody was sitting on the grass in front, taking selfies. I didn’t want to disturb them, by pointing my phone towards them, as that may make them uncomfortable. I try to exercise good phone photo etiquette while in public, so I decided not to take the pic. I told myself that while the weather is good, I will be sure to return and take a photo.
As I waited for my food at a chill classic authentic Mexican restaurant, I felt a sense of relief. I was happy that I continued walking and exploring the block. I felt a sense of pride, and closure. I walked to the bus stop with the heaviest burrito I had ever bought in my life, and headed home.
The new norm has been bittersweet for me from the start, but it’s come with many blessings in disguise. For one, I was able to take a break from long commutes to work, and work from home again. I was over and done with commuting in packed subway stations. I was relieved, and ecstatic about the government enforced “social distancing” rule applied to the GTA transit system. It was the perfect rule to enforce, for many reasons. For one, some subway stations are over crowded to a point where it’s not safe, when walking through. Secondly, when buses are over crowded, drivers continue taking more people in, or they drive right past you. You may be waiting for a bus for thirty minutes, and it passes you by. Without before warning, you may be late for work or an appointment. On top it, your fare may expire and you’ll have to pay again, so annoying!
The first time I took the TTC after almost a year, and hopped on a bus, I felt as though I was in a dream. The yellow social distance signs all over the seats…. Folks are literally NOT ALLOWED to sit directly beside you??!!Wow! You mean, I don’t have to deal with a stranger falling asleep on my shoulder? Sounds good to me! I don’t have to anticipate, how to politely ask a stranger, for some “space” to squeeze by them from the window seat. My personal space feels protected, the way that it should in public. I feel much more relaxed and enjoy the ride.The seat beside me will be free for my bags, and I have all the space that I need. Traveling on the TTC has been a pleasure, since these rules have been enforced. It’s one change for our new norm that I did not need to adapt to. I’m definitelyused to it!
Hey good day:) I hope your day is going good so far. I intended on posting this months ago, forgive me, as the opening of this blog was written months ago. I wrote it at the end of winter, as winter was ending going into spring.
The “mandatory” power outage last month, lasted for two hours, and I was thankful that I was given a heads up. I hoped it would not be any longer than two hours, and I hoped that it wouldn’t become super chilly down here. It’s a little chilly down here already. It helped that I was prepared for it, but I was still inconvenienced because my cell phone died! Usually this wouldn’t be a big deal, but because it wasn’t properly charged, my alarm for work didn’t go off! I was already showered and ready for work, but fell asleep for a bit, wrapped in a blanket. I was waiting for the power outage to be over! I was super annoyed that I woke up late! I’m always on time for shift, I’ve never been late! My manger texted me, asking if I was okay, she even texted that she was worried about me, and that I’m NEVER late! This is the first time I missed my alarm, and my manager was very understanding. It wasn’t a big deal, yet I was still bothered. Having no electricity really sucks, and we take it for granted.
So, we had yet another “mandatory” power outage, and had it lasted for twice as long, it may have interrupted work. That would not be good! I don’t think anybody in Toronto would be prepared for that. We’ve been blessed that they usually don’t last for a full day. We haven’t been left in the dark. We recently started getting severe weather, but nowhere near what has happened in Texas. Some folks say it’s “unnatural” weather, and I agree. I was watching folks down there, posting videos showing their firsthand account of the affects of the power grid going down. The flooding videos sparked anxiety in me, but I forced myself to watch them. The worst one, was a cell phone video taken by a mother with children. She was forced to sleep in her car with her children for warmth. There was no telling when she would be able to enter her home again. I could feel the chill in my bones, the discomfort, as though I was in her shoes. I reminded myself that it could be worse up here in Canada.
Fast forward to May: The double-down restrictions have just been announced, meaning many products are off limits, again. I was shocked to see that CANDLES, and LIGHTERS were included in this list. So candles are not considered essential???? Aren’t they the main go to when there is a BLACK OUT???? What the hell is going on here???? My friend and I had a discussion about this, as I exited the Dollarama in the evening. She couldn’t believe what I was telling her. Yup, candles are forbidden. The price of candles can be quite expensive, regardless of your budget. Fortunately, stores like Dollarama offer an amazing assortment of all types of quality candles, at low prices. I never thought that I would live to see the day that candles were considered “illegal” to purchase. I never thought I would see yellow tape sectioning off DO NOT ENTER ZONES on items like candles and candle holders.
So, we’re near the end of May, candles and lighters that were outlawed for almost a month, are FINALLY legal to purchase! During the law enforced restrictions, folks in the GTA questioned and protested against this ridiculous rule placed upon these essential items! Up to a week ago, the ban was lifted, but only on these items. I accidentally picked up a candle holder that was not covered with yellow emergency tape, and an emergency signal went off at the self check out! A cashier had to come and help me, to authorize me so I could continue checking out my stuff. I apologized to her, as she explained that the item was on the, “DO NOT BUY LIST”. I proceeded to tell her that it was an accident, and the item and section of shelf, was completely open, and NOT covered by yellow tape. I added that I try to avoid putting them in an awkward position! We both chuckled. I’ve been in every Customer Service reps position before, but this new world of outside rules, is on another level! I am sure to commend them and Thank them for their service on every shopping trip.
Please be sure to continue to stock up and candles, lighters, matches, portable lamps etc. There’s no telling if or when the yellow tape will go back up…I’m not kidding!
Sorry for the delay! I’m continuing from where I left off, and I also have something else to say:
Coupled with shutdown and virus fears, I’ve become even more understanding. I’ve had customers attempt to go to battle with me over the phone, before I explain the refund or freebies I’m about to give them. It feels like folks have more pent up energy to battle over nothing, due to-quadruple-shutdown fatigue. My patience has been tested on a daily basis by defensive customers. Their worry and fear causes them to act up, when they have received a promo deal late, or they think they’ve missed a potential deal. They panic and fret over the money they think they’ve lost, or money they hoped they would not have to spend. I totally understand, and am very empathetic towards them. The problem is, they act as though it’s a conspiracy against them! It can be very difficult to communicate when they are all riled up. I remind myself, that this maybe their biggest problem of the week. I always keep in mind that everybody’s problems are different, and the pandemic has introduced many brand new problems to many folks. Problems that they never could imagine having to deal with. We all have our problems they say, and I try not to judge who has it the worst, but I find myself doing so. Every time I walk past a homeless person, who’s crouched down with a mug in hand hoping for change, I know that I don’t have it the worst…
As I exited with her bread, she Thanked me again, and continued to chat. I was actually ready to walk away, and go about my business, but she continued asking questions. She was curious about where I came from, and where I lived before moving here. I assumed she was curious because our short convo earlier. My perspective on this neighbourhood was pretty solid, and I told her that it was “different” when I was younger. She proceeded to explain the differences from her day on to now. I spoke freely about my family being one of the only black families on our block, but we were very comfortable. She shared with me that there was only a few on her street, back in the day. I could tell she was trying to choose her words wisely, which I found amusing. She told me that she’s been living in this neighbourhood for forty years, and that she was seventy years old! I never would have guessed that, she looked amazing for her age! She had a lot of spunk and spirit. I thought it was super cool that she cared to hear my opinion, and have a genuine conversation. As we walked towards our destination, she Thanked me again for getting her bread. I said, You’re Welcome, and it was nice speaking with you, feel free to say Hi if you see me around. She responded the same.
Although the bakery battle didnot result in a verbal or physical altercation, it still had an affect on me. The last thing she said to me was in reference to that same rude lady, “I guess it’s the type of customers that frequent that place…..” I found that very interesting for a few reasons. One, she wasn’t talking about colour, race or creed. She was talking about BAD MANNERS ATTITUDE, and SNOBBERY!
I nodded with my masked face. I told her that I understand, that’s why I stand faaar back and confirm who is next. She was very upset and annoyed, and I knew there was a valid reason why. As the circle-line of customers began to grow, everybody joined the conversation. I was the odd woman out in this one, as usual. I’m not the main demographic of the neighbourhood, by any means. This elderly woman surprised me with her gumption, she had a lot to say regarding respect. She continued, telling the group that people are really “acting out” due to their frustrations with the shutdown. She added that she does not expect to see THAT type of behaviour around here. She proceeded to call out that particular Customer’s rude behaviour, pointing directly at her through through the window glass. She said, “Well THAT ONE is a problem!…” I’m not quite sure what she mumbled after that. Another customer tried to interrupt, and correct her, as though her speaking out was wrong. She remained solid in her stance, and would not allow anybody to minimize her opinion. I however, was very comfortable with the subject matter. I was glad that she was calling it out and telling the crowd that it is unacceptable. Manners are very important to me, especially in public. Manners, basic respect for your fellow man, keeps us civil on the most basic level.
I took it that she has a certain expectation from folks around here. My expectations are different. I hope for the best, but expect the worst from every, and anybody.
I started to walk away as the group grew larger, I didn’t have a lot of time left to wait. I also wasn’t in the mood to figure out who was next. I avoid crowds in general. As I was in the midst of saying, “Bye, have a nice day! The line will be a little shorter now”, I was told that I was actually next in line. I thought, Oh! Okay, I guess I’ll buy that cookie then. I decided to enter the bakery. As I walked inside, the lady asked me if I could do her the favor. She asked if I could please tell one of the staff that Helen, is outside waiting for her order. I said, “Sure! No worries.” She said Thank you. Through her masked face, I could see in her eyes that she was surprised at my enthusiastic response. If only she knew how many frustrated, impatient, confused, entitled, sarcastic, customers I deal with everyday. Coupled with shutdown and virus fears, I’ve become even more understanding. I’ve had customers attempt to go to battle with me, over the phone, before I explain the refund or freebies that I’m about to give them. It feels like folks have more pent up energy to battle over nothing, due to-quadruple- shutdown fatigue.
I’ll continue in another blog, I’m trying to go to sleep earlier tonight. Good night and Good sleep.
Dawn Lovely says.................. 