stress

PT 3: Beyond the Curtains 🧵🪡💭😴👩🏽That Dream…

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment
Continuing from where I left off.. I am a piece of the puzzle that needs to be completed, just as I am a piece of both of them, therefore my effort is not in vain. I can at least do this for my Mother, for when she was alive, she did wish and desire this for us.

I thought this was a normal part of the grieving process, so I did not expect the struggle, battle, or to have any negativity attached, because she did NOT carry that energy when she was alive. She did not make life harder, or stressful for others in fact, she actually made life easier, therefore her example should be followed, so I thought, and this will preserve her legacy. I was deeply hurt, and disappointed that her graciousness, at the least, wasn’t reciprocated by the ones who received the most from her. I am still deeply hurt and disappointed, asking myself, How could it get to this point?? Why was it even allowed to get to this point?? Practically erasing her legacy, her hard work, dedication and effort, everything that she built, even the garden that she planted, fertilized, and nurtured to bring forth healthy vegetables and fruits.

I remember eating the tomatoes that grew from her garden, they were very delicious, and I could taste the difference compared to the grocery store tomatoes. I was impressed at how great they came out, considering her garden was so small with not the best quality soil, due to our seasons. She was always creating, bringing something useful, fruitful, out of whatever she had available, a trait of hers I observed as long as I can remember. After her passing, I made sure to uproot the small tomato vines from her garden, that were still thriving, to give to the relative, who cared to keep it growing.

There is so much that she provided us, as a blueprint to assist us with life, based upon the seeds she planted.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Beyond the Curtains🧵🪡💭😴👩🏽That Dream…

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I felt comfort and peace, realizing within a few seconds, this is what’s been missing in my life. Her presence gifted me a feeling of hope, as though ANY and EVERY problem would be solved without struggle or strife. It wouldn’t take a decade to solve a challenge that could be solved in a day, nor would it take so much pain, caused by deliberate push back.

Her caring, productive energy, so forward-thinking…I felt she truly was trying to help us, such an uplifting and inspirational energy. She usually doesn’t speak to me in my dreams, not that she needs to, but I always understand and know exactly the message she is trying to bring to me. She was standing in front of me, holding up a set of lovely curtains that she made herself, I knew this automatically, because she was quite the seamstress when she was alive. Upholstering old pieces of furniture, making them look beautiful and classic, which always blew me away. This was a natural skill she had, that I did not inherit, but always respected and admired her for it, which I told her when she was in the flesh.

Behind her was an array of curtains, of many different, styles, patterns and colours, beautiful, and looked of quality. I thought, How did she do so much work, in such a short amount of time?? And why did I assume that she had less time? This is the thing about dreams, they can immediately make sense, or have you questioning, with logic, which you’re really not supposed to do, because dreams do not always walk straight…

My spirit told me that Mom was trying to show me something, and it was beyond the curtains, so when I awoke, I made note of the dream, and made note to tell my father the next time that we speak on the phone. This was a dream that had a message for ALL of us, and she deserves reciprocity for all that she did for us, with a clean heart. I will continue in my next post, Have good night and Good sleep!

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts🤔: How Did She Do It Alone? 👩🏽🚸🏙️👶🏽🚉🚕💖

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

It was nice to take a different route, I love looking out of the window, seeing areas that I grew up, and haven’t seen in the longest time, until an important task or errand takes me out there. Bringing me a feeling of comfort, safety, curiosity, slight confusion, and beautiful nostalgia. I’ve felt at times as though I tripped back in time, and I’m trying to makes sense of where, what and how, I ended up in a particular place. I continue trying to piece together, pieces of my childhood that I feel as though are missing, or fragmented. I strive to figure out where they fit, like trying to complete a puzzle. I was telling my Auntie this, as we drove down the Gardiner Expressway, and I was taking in the the “Grass Art”, and the advertisement logos, that have been there from back in the day. I explained to her that every time I see them, I flash back to sitting in the back of a taxi cab, at night, gazing out of the window as cars speed by, capturing the night scene, the waterfront, the grass art, the vibe of the city. And, although, I do not know where we are going, I do not ask, and sit quiet with the rest in the back, fighting heavy eyelids, trying to stay awake, until we arrive at our destination, because waking up in an unknown place can be a tad traumatizing. Do you remember those days, as child? Falling asleep during a loooong car ride, and being woke up to a different place, space and time? As your Mom gently touches your shoulder, and rocks you to wake you up, your eyes slowly open and you felt as though you were sleeping for centuries, like a sleeping giant from from the children’s story book…

Moments and memories embedded in my soul, the city awakens in me, regardless of the occasion. We touched down many diverse spaces, due to circumstances that were beyond my control. I was innocent and not old enough to grasp the magnitude of how much we endured, along with Mom, alone, and how it must have been from Mom’s point of view. She modestly navigated areas of the city, diverse spaces, with us gathered around her, while she pushed a stroller with a small baby and a toddler, walking beside her, walking in front of her, holding her hand if she had one free to hold. Watching her carry bags, along with a baby bag, just to run a simple errand…Damn…It can be challenging doing it alone, car-less, on a tight budget, moving quickly through rush hour, on guard for personal safety, and terrible drivers! So, how did she do it everyday, all alone??

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts🤔:🚶🏽‍♀️❄️ My Daily Walk…

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

February came quick, and we’re almost near the end as the months roll by. Now we received a much anticipated extremely HEAVY snowfall, which has put a dent in our pre-spring dreams, as daylight savings time is around the corner. Now the streets look almost unreal, like a winter wonderland, but with extra, EXTRA snow!! It’s been years since we’ve experienced this level of snow fall, I don’t remember it being this extreme, AND for days in a row. So the streets and roads don’t have time to recover. The snow continues to pile up, layering on top of large mini hills, that almost resemble mini avalanches on people’s front lawns. This winter, our below zero weather has hit down to approx -17 with the windshield, which we accepted graciously, because the lack of snow made it a lot easier to tolerate. It was only before so long that we would receive a true dose of snow that would interrupt our days, and becoming an obstacle course to navigate. I love to walking for exercise, and my daily walk is important, and imperative for my health, both mental and physical. So although the snow is a nuisance, I treat it as an add-on to a workout. I enthusiastically layer up, and leave for an hour plus walk, keeping up a brisk speed, as I listen to my favourite playlist from the 90’s, as I whisk through, and step over the mushy, unleveled, higher than ankle, snow. My destination will take me approx 2 hours, at least to go and return, hopefully safely, and I factor in the time it may take to get around the unpredictable snow accumulation in other areas. I brace myself for the bottom of my pants to get wet with snow, and my hands, gloved up, for premature frost bite, dangerous ICY patches, AND extra pressure on my legs, and knees which are not as “youthful” as they used to be! lol So, I am careful and cautious not to twist them in the unforgiving snow.

This photo was taken on the way to run errands, AFTER a few days of snow removal, and it was -7 which was tolerable enough to stop, take off my gloves, fumble with my phone, and take a decent pic.

So, I successfully made it to my destination, completed my errands really quickly, and started trekking back, on the opposite side of the street, thinking it may be a better choice. Moving strategically, to avoid slipping in the mounds of under-knee level snow. Boy, was I wrong! It was just as bad! Possibly worse, and there was no way to tell until you start walking, and turning back is NOT an option, borderline dangerous, however, you just gotta keep it moving! So, it may take me an hour to get home, but it’ll give my legs some more workout, how I can I complain?!

I restarted my playlist on one of my favourite, beautiful, inspirational and calming tunes by BabyFace, “Exceptional”, as a wisky, light, snow began to fall and winds picked up, making it difficult to see. As winds picked up, I couldn’t help but notice the elevated level of politeness and comradery between people who walking by. I made sure to stop, and give others space to get by, and they did the same, and said Thanks as they walked past me. They even made eye contact, or gave a nod, or even a smile. It was endearing, as I love good manners, and basic human regard in weather disaster times. The gracious level of patience, that we do not usually exercise on a regular day, seems to be available from the majority it matters the most! Imagine if we did this on the road while driving, regardless of the weather?!

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Father’s Day was Different👨🏾❤️😊👍🏽PT 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I’m late with this post, please forgive me, I meant to post it after Father’s Day. Been going through a lot, busy, changes in my schedule, and living situation and trying my best to work around it. Regardless, I am grateful, counting my blessings everyday, and always writing nonetheless.

I notice Father’s Day on my calendar as soon as it rolls around, and make a mental note to call or text my father. Father’s day has always been slightly awkward for me since I was a child, for a few reasons. For one, my father was not with us on a consistent basis, as I’ve shared in previous blogs. He went from being a somewhat stable figure in my life, to eventually non-existent. His influence and presence seemed to become irrelevant, and I simply got used to it. After we lost it all, and he was incarcerated, there was no need to keep up with Father’s Day. I was just surviving with my Mother and siblings. We spent an adequate amount of time in women’s shelters, where Father’s Day was obviously not a priority.

I completely forgot about Father’s Day, until it came up in school. Make your father a card day! The teacher announced, and as I loved creating and arts and crafts, I was not enthusiastic. I didn’t want to feel out of place and awkward, but inside I did. I knew I couldn’t tell my teacher that I just didn’t feel like participating. I didn’t go into a category, as the few children who didn’t have a father, because their’s had passed away. They were treated in a very sensitive manner, instructed to sit at one table, and create a card or whatever they wanted. This made sense to me, and I felt empathized with those children, however I didn’t know where I stood. I had no reason to address the fact that my father was locked up, deported or whatever, yet I still felt strange…A part of me almost wanted to tell my teacher, as though I was confessing or admitting that I felt the way I did.

Please stay tuned for PT 2.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔 : The Daddy Issue Part 3 🤷🏾‍♀️💔❔👨🏽….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

A flood of texts from my bestie cousin, lead to an interesting back and forth about Fathers, and parenting. We hadn’t touched base in weeks, I was wondering how she was doing, and her messages caught me off guard. She explained a situation going on with her father with a slew of audios and texts, she was extremely upset and stressed. I was taken aback and empathized, as she told me how sad she felt. She sounded broken, more hurt than ever before, and I was moved more than ever before. We’ve always discussed this topic, regarding Father’s, and how to deal with and understand their sometimes odd behaviour. I’m trying to use the appropriate word to best describe their behaviour, and I’m having trouble pinning it…It can be random, unnecessary, difficult to dissect, and disruptive.

I was almost not going to respond, feeling I had no place to speak on it. I haven’t had a father around since I was a small child, and inconsistent at that. There are situations that I haven’t had to be in, situations that I have zero experience dealing with…Who am I to say anything??

For the longest time, I’ve thought about the fact that we feel as though we have to support them, and by support, I mean emotionally. That is not normal. We only think it is, because we’ve been conditioned by our upbringing. We witness our mother’s quietly “keep the peace”, we don’t quite understand why they aren’t speaking up, or “defending” themselves. At a younger age, we see our mother’s be passive, about things that WE even know should be addressed, or should be checked. Too young to comprehend the complex nature of adult relationships or marriage. There are convos had behind close doors, things not shown in front of children. Simply observing, confusion contradictions, seeping into our hearts, our subconscious mind, leaving a permanent impression.

I called her, and she proceeded to explain her disappointment, stating how a father “should” behave, I couldn’t help but ask her if it’s okay to interrupt. I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled….To be continued.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 2 💔 🤷🏾‍♀️👨🏽❔……

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Sorry for the delay, and for the “dabby” typo in my last post! I’m usually up writing at wee hours in the morning and that one SLIPPED me:/! I really meant daddy…Continuing from where I left off….It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I understand that a Daddy issue, can be any issue, or even expectation, good or bad that a woman may have tied to her relationship with her father. The angle I’m taking is slightly different than the Daddy Issue term that gets thrown around. Based upon my life experience thus far, I realized how much mixed messages I received and took on. So many of daddy’s issues I felt responsible for, ones he shared with me, thus aging my mind and soul. I always felt as though I was five going on fifty, understanding an adult’s issues oh too well, feeling as though I was the gatekeeper for his secrets and flaws. I truly felt responsible for his pain, and I never really knew why. All I knew is that, I believed his every word, trusted and adhered to his instructions on what not to do, the bad things that he said he did that destroyed him inside. I listened as though I was a university student at a lecture. He wasn’t around all the time, so I figured this was important to him, I’d better listen! I showed him the respect that he deserved, yet with a child’s mind thinking, CAN I GO PLAY NOW??? Lol

I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: The Daddy Issue PT 1….👨🏽❔💔 🤷🏾‍♀️

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Daddy issue? I never thought there was one, I never thought I had one. I trusted my father as a child, he was around enough for me to be familiar with him. He lived in our house, married to my mom. He was in no way a foreign figure to me. The lessons he taught me, I have shared in previous blogs. I’ll never forget when I was five or six, he got me ready for picture day. Mom wasn’t able to that morning, and I remember feeling a little worried lol because I wasn’t sure he could do it. It was the one and only time, and he did an amazing job. He combed my long hair into pig tails that he did a good job braiding. He even parted my hair well. The outfit he chose was quite stylish, a white collared shirt with a cute black vest. As girly as I was, it was a refreshing change from the usual “flowery”, dresses, or patterned outfits. If you’re an 80’s baby, you’ll know what I mean. That pic, and that picture day was one of my favourite, and I remember the photographer saying, “Great SMILE! Good job!”. I only needed one take. My father made that an extra special day, a memory I will always cherish. The few times I’ve mentioned these type of memories to him, on a long distance call, there’s an awkward silence…..On his part, although he does mumble a few nice words, showing me that he appreciates me acknowledging his role in my life. How do I know what he means, by that response? I know because our connection, I understand him on a different level. Time and distance didn’t change that, and I tried to hold on to it, for dear life. I tried to appreciate it and keep it going, regardless of the circumstances.

I never had a daddy issue, well not that I know of, and I never thought about or questioned his role in my life. I never cried to my mother asking where he was, when he was gone for long periods. None of us did. It was common knowledge that he chose to be away, and would return on his own accord. We were young and innocent but understood this, children can feel it. You observe your surroundings, you watch and listen, and eventually draw your own conclusion.

Never did I think an issue with trust and security would later arise in my life, and without therapy, I would have the know to directly correlate it with a “Daddy issue”. I thought a Daddy issue meant, to have a direct issue with your father, a problem that you can name, that’s had a negative impact on your relationship…..So what if you don’t, but are simply trying to make sense of and understand HIS issues?!

It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I will continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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About That Dream💭🤔:The Water 💦 🌍 World Rules …..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Fell asleep while watching some video, and had one of those black out slumbers that provide me with a random, meaningful, detailed dream. I dreamt that me and a bunch of other people who I don’t know, were deep under water in some water world. We were all in human form, and able to breathe with no equipment. For some reason, we were in a classroom setting being instructed by a teacher. We were attentively listening as strict instructions were being dictated RE “swimming style rules”. Yes, swimming style rules. The teacher was telling us that we are NOT allowed to swim by using certain motions, and that we must only use motions that are unassuming, light, and inconspicuous. I was absolutely floored! I didn’t say a word, and continued to listen waiting to hear the logic in these strict instructions. I was confused, and thought to myself, “What the hell?!?! What difference does it make how we swim??? it’s our body!!!” I continued to listen puzzled asf, and heard someone from above yell out in protest, but I couldn’t see them. I then I awoke to a random video playing on my laptop, and thought ooooh! I gotta stop falling a sleep with videos playing. I knew however, that my dream was not because of that. These “uncertain times” have taken a toll on my subconscious, regardless of how well that I’ve navigated it all thus far. Believe it or not, this was actually one of my most “normal” dreams that I’ve had in the past two years. It was the underwater world that theme that I had me questioning myself though. I did not check a dream dictionary out of curiosity, there was no need in this case. We are in this world, but quickly being pushed into a New World that makes any other world seem normal…That was the first water world dream I’ve ever had. I hope you enjoyed!

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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While We Continue To Keep Our Distance,😷 October 🍃 ☀ 2021….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

It’s been a month since I posted, but I’m always writing nonetheless. There’s been so much on my mind and heart, much I was processing, so I decided to take a break from the topic of closure. So much to keep up with, as we continue to navigate our new norm. Summer is almost out the door, and a sunny day over twenty degrees is cherished, good as gold. It was becoming slightly chilly, but then surprisingly warmed up, now it’s back to chilly. It seems as though Summer is officially over and my beloved fall is here. Autumn the most beautiful season, my favourite season, as I’ve shared before. I love autumn, and I don’t mind the sun kissed brisk weather. I’m ready for the change in wardrobe light jackets, and hoodies, pashminas over a top, rustic colors and cute Fall boots. I can’t get enough of the fallen crunchy leaves, such beautiful colors, beautifying the simple sidewalk. Autumn can do no harm in my eyes, and I’m doing my best to enjoy it, regardless of these trying times.

A warmer day in early October, fruit markets still have produce displayed outside.

There’s no way to explain the “social climate” at this point in time, I’m just observing and trying to maintain my energy, with every passing day. I stay mentally prepared, yet in awe of the constant announcements, and “discoveries” from the mainstream news. We are being constantly bombarded with new information that is imperative to our daily survival, yet confusing asf. Simplifying life as much as possible has been, and will continue to be the goal. I’m pretty sure you are keeping up with the local news, independent news, and so on. It seems as though we are all in the same boat, and at the same time, not. The rules apply to all, and some, do not, which seems to be causing friction and dissension amongst friends and family. I find this to be very unfortunate, and counterproductive because all we have is us. It doesn’t make sense to go against one another at this point in time, as it will not elevate us to the level of the decision makers. Life may throw you a curve ball at any moment, and you could easily end up in the exact same position as your peer.

It seems as though we are going backwards, in many ways, which is very sad and disappointing. I have more to say, but will continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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