So…..WHY Do We Do This???

I thought it was a rumor, I didn’t look long enough to confirm if it was. I googled his name and nothing significant came up, so I left my computer and went about my business. As I walked up the stairs to leave, my aunt yelled to me, that he had been shot AND killed…

The internet is odd to me when it comes to violent acts, people lying and making up stories for attention is a norm nowadays. I don’t believe everything I hear, so I didn’t believe that anything really happened to this young man until it was confirmed. I was very upset and and felt drained at that moment. I felt sorrow, disappointment, and anger. The first thought that came to my mind was, he is so young, and didn’t get to finish his course, and what are the people going to do without him?!! What are his children and woman going to do without him?? More children left without a father, who was ACTUALLY taking care of them, AND his community. Who else has the strength and courage to build and help others the way he did???

The reason I originally started following him and taking in his music, was because of his attitude and build- it-on- your own mentality. As I received text messages about it, I couldn’t express how annoyed I was. Although I do not know him, and know he was not perfect, I still felt he deserved to at least live until forty. Who knows how much more he could’ve done and learned…

There’s something else I need to add, that’s been bothering me RE death and the internet’s manner of dealing with it. Celebrity or not, if we claim to love and admire this person so much, why would you post such a gruesome scene of their last living moments??? Do you think that HE would post the same of you if the roles were reversed??! If your relative died in violent manner caught on camera, would you want to see a video of them layed out on the ground, fighting for their life??? Of course not!!! Getting over the initial shock of them dying is difficult enough, so is a visual necessary??? Do we need to see everything?!! NO. OF COURSE NOT!

But I guess that comes along with the price of fame, everything is open for the public. I feel as though we the people, need not want to see all the details, it’s unnecessary. Famous or not, we can help with “well wishes and prayers” or just do the fair thing, that you’d want done for you or your family if you were in that tragic situation.

I don’t feel the need to post the name of who I’m talking about, I’m sure the majority of you figured it out.

I hope you get the rest you need, you accomplished much in your thirty-three years. I appreciate your lessons and encouragement and of course, your quality music.

Good Night.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

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The Warmth in the Bitter Cold…..

I meant to share these thoughts last week….

I was supposed to go downtown this evening to meet up with a friend from out of town, but unfortunately we are having a major windstorm in Toronto. I was forced to postpone my outing due to the dangerous weather. An extreme weather safety alert had been issued, and considering the weather we’ve been having lately, I swear by the weather warnings. I avoid putting myself in a position where I’ll be stranded or possibly may get injured. This morning, I was literally being pushed by the wind, and I had to run in the direction of wind to keep it from pushing me! I felt silly, and slightly self conscious that people were watching, but it worked! I was able to fight the wind and climb on my GoBus safely! I was releived!

Once again the unruly weather has triggered me, and got me to thinking….

I never know when I’m going to have a flash back of my childhood. I remember walking with my siblings along with my mother on the busy street in the dead of winter. She always made sure we had proper winter gear, and she made us hot chocolate or tea when we arrived home. My mother made winter feel pleasant to me. I looked forward to tobogganing, ice skating and playing in the snow because she never scorned winter. That was cool, considering she was born and raised in Jamaica. Some of my fondest memories of her are from winter. Constantly commuting all around the city has put me back in places that I haven’t been since I was a little girl. As the seasons change I notice the difference in my feelings on the road. Even with the pushy congested traffic and people, I feel at peace daydreaming looking out the window. I spend a lot of time on the road, more than I would like, but it has an upside. Every morning on my commute to work, I gaze out of the window and this feeling comes over me. I pass by one of the largest most popular malls in the city, on the street we used to live. I feel safe when I see that mall, every time the bus turns into the terminal….

I realized the other day even in -20 degree weather those warm thought can take me to a safe place, temporarily, and I appreciate that.

RIP Annette, Miss you mommy.

Have a good night, and good sleep:)

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Daddy& Expectations(Continued)…..

What did I expect??? Have I set the bar too high???, Why is this even bothering me?? I thought I was passed this, I know how he can be…..What is going on here???

I was disappointed in myself for expecting so much out of him, even though this wasn’t much to expect. It was what I had grown accustomed to, and that was embarrassing to me. I was ashamed and embarrassed, almost felt like a child. The feeling didn’t last for long though. Within seconds I decided that I wouldn’t even warrant his message with a response, a response was not needed. I received my answer and this marked a new chapter in our relationship, and in my life. I understood so much more who he really is, and that he is much more broken than I knew. My natural intuition did not pick up on this, because I was still getting to know the “older” version of him and from a distance. The checking in texts and short phone calls could only go so far, and to top it off, I am one of six. My efforts at times are over-shadowed by whatever’s going on with them. It seems we are going backwards, and the more he punishes himself, the further he’s pushing me away. I don’t think he’s aware of it. Very sad, and is a waste of time, because we had come so far, so I thought…

The expectations I have in life, especially with men in relationships, and even friends and family, have been influenced heavily by my expectations of my father. I’m still checking myself on it. I am aware that I hope for the best, yet subconsciously expect whatever to happen, which is not cool. This situation was significant, because it reminded me that I can not expect others to grow as fast as I expect, regardless of how much I do on my part….

There’s more to share, but I gotta go to bed now, stay tuned for my next blog. Have a Good Night 🙂

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

Daddy & Expectations…..

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. I felt foolish and stupid as I sat at my cubicle staring at my phone, trying to make sense of his response…..I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t hurt, I was just embarrased. It was Nov 20th and I was at work taking calls, but I didn’t forget that it was his birthday, and I wanted him to know that I didn’t forget. My expectations of him, come from what he’s always done. He always sent a letter, post card, tele-gram or called, even when he was in prison. So, our long distance relationship since I was seven years old, was partially built on these little birthday messages. It has been one of the only consistent things he’s ever done.

I actually went to work like a regular day on my birthday, I didn’t feel the need to celebrate, but I did acknowledge that I was a year older. I was happy that I was able to video chat with one of my dear friends, who has a very busy schedule. I was happy for the people who took the time to greet me. Upon returning home, my fam gave me gift bag full of goodies, and a sincere birthday card which made me smile. I felt blessed to have made it through another year in one piece.

Before I got up from by chair I thought, Damn, even an emoji would’ve sufficed….Why are YOU so uncomfortable with me??? Texting something is more difficult than what I’ve endured??? Considering the tumultuous childhood I had due YOUR decisions, considering I made it through to this age without turning into something that would’ve been considered a “disappointment”, considering the way in which I arrived to this earth plane, a story you’ve told ME a thousand times. “I’m a miracle and wasn’t supposed to make it”, (I’ll save that story for another blog.) Sending me a message was something you decided NOT to do???

I felt overwhelmed with annoyance, so I abruptly pulled off my headphones, put my computer on “short break”, and scurried off to the stairwell for privacy. I pressed the record button and started speaking from my soul….

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. After sitting back at my desk, thoughts spun in my mind….What did I expect??? Have I set the bar too high???, Why is this even bothering me?? I thought I was passed this, I know how he can be…..What is going on here???

I’ll continue in my next blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Slipping and Falling……

Today was said to have been an ice storm that started early in the morning and ended in the evening. I must confess, that I slipped and fell on the ground! But it was okay, I broke my fall by landing with both my hands behind me, before I hit the cold icy ground. I Thank my mother (RIP) for putting me in skating lessons, because I learned different techniques on how to fall. Those instincts always kick in when you most need it, and as I almost hit the ground many thoughts ran through my mind….I haven’t fell outside in winter in years, why did I wear my Airwalk boots instead of my winter soldier survival boots!??, If somebody saw me, Oh Well! I’m glad I’m not hurt. I had no idea how bad the weather was going to be, and I’m always sure to check the weather report before I leave. It didn’t mention that an intense hailstorm was coming. I was unprepared, but had to continue walking on the snowy, thick icy ground to catch my GoBus, hoping I didn’t get caught up by the black ice. I had to walk slooooow, and I usually walk fast, because I like to be early as possible to prevent myself from being late.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

I Quit! My Quest for Closure…..

I just woke up from a weird dream, forgot where I was. It took me a few seconds to realize where I am, and what I dreamt. I was in my old house, the house I spent most of my life growing up in as a child. After mom passed, I would dream this house every so often, I haven’t dreamt the house in a while. In my dream the door bell continued to ring, and of course, I was the only one available to answer it. I was the only one in the house, and the energy was dark and off. There was also a large animal in the kitchen, but I haven’t looked up what that means yet. I ignored the animal in the dream, and now when I think about it, it could simply mean, “The elephant in the room” that others wouldn’t allow me to address.

I asked myself upon waking up, where is the house??? What happened to it??Where are we supposed to go??? The house is gone, it’s been gone for years. I know why I had that dream….I’m still on that quest for closure.

I remember a time I used to have more faith in people, in general. I didn’t expect the worst, I didn’t expect to be let down, or disappointed. I was younger and obviously more naive, but I wasn’t stupid. I was very aware that that the worst may happen, but I should hope for the best. I began to view people as a liability because of the behaviour and betrayal from the ones closest to me. I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs, but out of respect for them I chose not to go into detail. After mom’s passing and the aftermath that was handled very poorly, I felt I lost a piece of myself. Losing her didn’t bring this on, I was settled in my soul about her departure. The lack of comradery and fair team play in handling the messy stuff, the guilt ridden attacks on me, ripped my heart in half. I have not been the same since then. Many people have pointed this out to me as well.

Because my tears, my sadness wasn’t allowed to be displayed in front of certain people, I maintained my composure for years. Many have said I handled the situation with grace, but inside I was slowly crumbling.

Time is precious and there’s no price you can put on it. I confess I wasted so much time in my twenties, focusing on what and why certain “important” things were not being done. This year I vowed to completely let go.

While necessary arrangements are being made to deal with what still needs to be done, Re mommy’s ashes (which you’ve heard me speak on already) I finally give up on my quest for closure.

I throw the towel in, I’ve done enough, I’ve never felt so proud to say, I QUIT!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Helplessness(Continued)…..

I didn’t intend on talking about the weather again, but yesterday evening I found myself caught up in the #Toronto terrible winter storm. I left work 10 minutes early and rushed to the subway to avoid missing the one GoBus that goes to my part of the city. Although I knew I’d be okay, I had NO idea when I’d get home or even close to the area my family resides. Ironically, the one GoBus that didn’t come was mine, and I didn’t know why. It only runs twice a day, so if you miss it, you’re screwed. When the weather is this serious, no more phone calls can be made to ask where or why. You simply have to wait it out until further notice. I thought damn, this is not the place to be and this is definitely NOT the weather! I couldn’t take a taxi, I couldn’t call family or friends, I couldn’t go back to work. I was left with no options. Stranded on the other side of the city in an area that I am not familiar with, Uh Oh….

I met three ladies while waiting for the same “ghost” bus, and struck up a conversation regarding the commute confusion. As we stood in the waiting area patiently, I became a part of their group. They made sure to give me updates because they knew somebody who had an inside link to the bus company. We waited 3 hours, but nothing. Many cars and buses were stopped up due to the heavy snowfall, the whole road was stopped up. It was rush hour at a very busy intersection, TOTAL chaos! Tow-trucks, people pushing cars, etc….Nobody could move. The snow continued to blow and come down, I was beginning to feel pins and needles in my hands.

Finally, a kind driver decided to allow all of the people left behind to load his bus and take us to nearest mall. He was also ensuring we would at least be warm while we waited. Unfortunately after an approx 1 hour wait, we weren’t able to move, so we had to reverse and go right back into the station. I thought, welp, I guess I’ll have to go back downstairs to the delayed train??? I don’t know what to do…Then I was approached by one of the group, she told me that they were taking the train, aaaall the way to the mall that is supposed to have a bus waiting for us that will bring us home. It was almost midnight and I had nothing to lose at this point. I appreciated the fact they actually cared that I arrived home that night.

I was worried that this supposed bus wasn’t going to arrive, so I told the ladies that I was planning on taking my usual route home, the way I know. Regardless of how long it takes, or the delays, at least I know where I’m going. They reassured me that their way would bring us home, and I didn’t need to worry.

So, I decided to trust these kind strangers and let them lead the way, which was hard for me to do, it felt like a test. It made me feel more helpless than ever! I guess putting my safety and well-being fully in another’s hands, a stranger’s hands, may help me to accept it’s okay be helpless and accept help?

I graciously Thanked those kind ladies before exiting the bus. I arrived home in one piece, after trudging through knee-high snow, and unplowed sidewalks. My family said they were relieved that I made it home safe and sound, but I was even more Thankful for what I learned in those 6 hours.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W