It Shouldn’t Take a Tragedy😔💔😒…..

I won’t tell you that everything will be okay, because I know that life will never be the same for us if we lose him. I’m not that person who simply says to “pray” and posts prayer hands emojis all over my social media. I try not to say, “I’m sorry to hear that” because it sounds insincere, and generic. Actions speak louder than words, and what I do, what WE do collectively, can do more than you think.

As I write this, I’m laying down, fighting to keep my eyes open. I should be sleeping, but I need to share these thoughts. I recently heard disturbing news about my grandfather from my mother’s side. He’s the only grandfather that I’ve known, and we all affectionately call him “Daddy”. He is one of the only caring, consistent male figures that I’ve ever known. He actually is my step – grandpa, and I was very surprised when I found this out growing up. It didn’t matter that we aren’t blood related, but it amazed and shocked me because of the way he cared for my mother and her sisters. It was as though they were his own, and he even went the extra mile for them, helping them. He always made me feel important, even though he has tons of grandchildren. He never mixed me up with my twin sister, addressing me by my actual name.

They say, you never know when you’re gonna go, so don’t forget to tell the people around you that you love them. I’ve always agreed with this, and try to live by it. Witnessing a handful of loved ones pass away suddenly, has reinforced this reminder. Showing my appreciation on a daily basis is a daily priority in my life. It’s better than saying “I love you”, because memories of you is all they’ll have when you’re not in their presence.

I think it’s weird and wrong, that it takes a tragedy, an unfortunate occurrence to bring us together. We shouldn’t wait until a person is sick or passed on, to do for them what they’ve done for us.

I will continue in my next post. Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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More Than Memories, My Appreciation❤️🙏…….

Continuing…..

A few days later I had a fulfilling conversation with my bestie cousin, about the good and bad. I was able to speak my true feelings, and about memories that came back to me. I was able to release pain and disappointment I still feel, about us as a family not collectively celebrating her. Listening to other people talk about her, and that they feel the same, meant a lot to me. I’m reminded that others haven’t forgotten how special she was, or what she gave to us.

I was always at peace with her departing the earth plane, I felt she deserved and needed a break. I miss her, but it was more important for me to honor who she was, than wallow in sadness. To this day I feel the same, and I’m hurt that her legacy has not been honored the way it should be.

It’s more than just the memories it was the effort she put forth, that allowed us to create them. The worst of times growing up, have a memory or two that help me appreciate those times. I have a great appreciation for nature and outdoor activities, because she took us to parks and accompanied us on Creek walks. She made sure to enroll us in a summer camp program or some type of activity, despite being a single mother. She always encouraged me to write, to draw, to express my creativity, all through my life. I appreciate her greatly for that.

Every year I wish I could sit down with her, and tell her how much I appreciate what she did for me, for US. Thank you Mom.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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August 30th 2019 R.I.P🌹🙏😔 More Than Memories…..

I took a break from posting online, but I’m back:) From the day of Mom’s passing anniversary, I’ve pretty much been ghost. Every year is different, and this year I stayed to myself and avoided frivolous conversations. I went away and put myself in a quiet space. I allowed my self to feel what I feel, and I’m glad that I did. I didn’t feel the need to post my feelings on social media on the day, or post a dedication. I didn’t receive a text or call about the day, and that was okay, but still made me ponder….I thought a lot about her, and lessons that she taught me. I thought about how actually doing as she taught me, caused others to resent me. I have a deeper appreciation for her every year, as I grow older. It hurts my heart and bothers my conscience that I still haven’t been able to properly celebrate her with the ones I grew up with….Since August 30th I think I grew a little. When it comes to my feelings, and facing more than the memories of her, I accept where I stand. There’s more to share, in my next blog. Stay tuned:)

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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(Cont’d)Father and Father Figures(Appreciation)❤️🧔…..

The men who gave me knowledge, wise words, and instructions for surviving in this crazy world, came in many forms. Uncles, teachers, coaches, co-workers, my God-brothers, even older school mates.

Surprisingly I had a few good older dudes in highschool who made it a point to look out for me. Some were my older sister’s friends, and the felt inclined to keep an eye on me, protecting me from the dark side of high school. My sister was VERY social, and extremely popular, so I had to take it in stride when they’d tease me, calling me baby. I used to resent being called “cute” cute like a baby! It was so annoying! Everyday they would tell me to “Go Home!” after school, even though I was going home. The “go home” thing was a light-hearted joke, like your parent l telling you to go straight home after school, and don’t get into any trouble. I used to respond, “I’m am going home!” and they’d smile and give me the thumbs up. I looked up to some of them, and I had a crushes on a few, they were the good-looking, popular, basketball player types. Majority of the girls my age in school would desire to sleep with them, but I viewed them as big brothers. They would playfully tease me about being skinny, pulling at biceps calling them “muscles” or make fun of me for my fifteen year old 90’s fashion, my double decker – soled tennis shoes. It was all innocent and I didn’t mind the attention from the cool kids. It was flattering that they appreciated my innocence and considered me a “good girl”. I was being myself never following the typical path that teenage girls peer pressure each other to follow. These young men only had a few years on me, but had a tremendous impact on my self-esteem.

I’ve crossed paths with a few after we grew up, in real life and Facebook. I remember hearing “Wow!…..You grew up!” after a compliment from one of my former teasers. I smiled and responded with a sarcastic remark, and he gave a nervous laugh.

Stay tuned for my next blog, good night:)

Love &Respect,

Dawn Lovely

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(Continued)It’s Bigger Than Teeth…..

I felt ashamed for needing my mother at this point in my life, I felt extremely vulnerable….My tooth pain brought me back to a different place. As I tossed and turned trying my best to fall asleep. I tried to bear the sensation that I can best describe as knives stabbing me repeatedly. I reluctantly took an advil, and tried to distract myself by listening to a program, then I felt to call out for my mother for help. At that moment I felt that I needed to hear her voice, to have her reassure me that the pain was only temporary. I felt she was the only person who could understand.

I remember after I moved out on my own, one night I slept over at the mom’s house and wasn’t feeling well. I was coming down with the early stages of a cold, coughing, curled up on the couch with a blanket. I fell asleep, and as I awoke, my mother was standing in front of me with a glass of fresh orange juice mixed with garlic. This was her amazing, quick fix remedy to cure a cold, and I was very happy to drink it. It warmed my heart that she took the time to do that because although that was her way, I forgot about the benefits of coming back home. I would usually have to get up and make my own concoction for a cold, and it was very nice having it done for me.

So the night I felt I truly needed her, I actually felt guilty for needing her, because she already gave so much of herself while she was here. She took care of me, of us, and didn’t hesitate to go the extra mile. She literally put my pain, her children’s pain ahead of hers all the time, one hundred percent. When she passed away, I felt and thought that she deserves a rest, a break from this earth plane. I replayed all the times that I was sick, it hurt or needed her to assist me with treating an illness. I thought about how much she did for me multiplayed time six, plus the other children she helped who were not hers. My gratitude and appreciation has grown more for her the older I grow. I am flattered when I am compared to her, but also saddened when reminded of her leaving…..

It’s difficult for me to witness so much lack of appreciation and willingness to carry on what the “good” people do when they are here. That is why I chose to share these thoughts. It’s bigger than teeth.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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It’s Bigger Than Teeth…..

I’ve been meaning to post since my last blog, but have been distracted, because I am in pain. I’ve been enduring tooth pain for the past weeks due to an issue with a wisdom tooth that hasn’t grown out, but is right beneath the surface wreaking havoc on the tooth beside it. It’s starting to worsen, which unfortunately is affecting my daily life, and I’ve even had to miss work.

Growing up I experienced a lot of pain due to my crooked front teeth. My mother had to bring me for x-rays often. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I constantly had headaches and pain due to my jaw alignment. My mother didn’t promote unnatural medicine, but there wasn’t much else she could do but give me aspirin to relieve it. I hated taking it. I avoided these type of medicines because of this.

Over the years I had many dentist and orthodontic appointments because of my teeth issues, and I actually enjoyed going to those appointments with my mother. It was time that I rarely got to spend with her alone, attention that I needed. I enjoyed the bus ride and going to the store without a bunch of other kids around. My mother always made sure that I was comfortable and aware of what my appointment would entail. She warned me of the possible pain I would have to endure and I appreciated that.

By looking at me know you’d never know that I wore a head-gear and braces for years. I often receive compliments for my teeth and smile. People don’t believe that I actually used to get made fun of for my severely crooked front teeth, which I will talk about in another blog.

I’ve taken the best care of my teeth as I can, even spent hundreds and hundreds due to having no dental insurance. I made sure to get those yearly check ups and keep my oral health in tact. My mother’s influence set that example. When she passed away, I thought about how much time, effort, and money that she specifically put into my teeth. She helped grow my self-esteem, a beautiful smile can go a long way in life. She invested in my teeth as a single mother struggling at times to ensure our basic needs were met.

The other night I found myself wanting to cry out for my mother. I was tossing and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep and block out the excruciating pain I was in. I haven’t had that feeling since I was a child, and I wasn’t the type of child who cried for my mom when I was in pain. I didn’t want to stress her out, I didn’t want her to worry about me.

I felt ashamed for needing my mother at this point in my life, I felt extremely vulnerable….My tooth pain brought me back to a different place.

I will continue in my next blog, it’s bigger than teeth.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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About Mom(RIP)& Appreciation…..

Mom loved people and she loved life. I saw it in the way she took care of us, and her care for others.

She treated others children as if they were her own, and treated those children equal to her own. Over the years other children stayed with us, and mom’s care for them was consistent.

When my cousins stayed with us, they told me how much they appreciated her, and the way she took care of them. I thought that was very cool.

She appreciated nature and the environment. I saw it in the way she took care of plants and her garden. She taught me that growing your own food is possible, as long as you nurture your soil.

She would cook your favourites upon request, if you asked politely. I used to bring apple crisp and peanut brittle to school for my class mates. They loved it, and told me I was lucky, but it was an everyday thing to me. I appreciated this more after I moved out.

Regardless of how much money we had, mom made sure we ate a cooked meal every night. She always made something out of nothing. Mom could stretch the littlest ingredients to last through the week, I used to think she was a magician.

She would wake up early, even on weekdays to make breakfast for us. I used to wonder how and when she had the energy to get through the day.

I admired her natural beauty, the way she french braided her hair, and still glowed with zero make up. I appreciated the way she took care of my hair, braiding my hair, which taught me to love my natural self…..

I’m sitting here alone in a small, dimly lit contemporary office, high in the sky. Looking down at the busy toronto midtown street that we used to frequent with her. I visioned her walking with a bunch of children around her, pushing a stroller through the crowd. Folks stopping her to ask, “Are they ALL YOURS?!!” and her calmly responding. She never acted rude to strangers who were nosey or curious. She was a married woman, had us in her twenties, and we all share the same father, but folks couldn’t help but assume…Her youthful appearance attracted positive and negative attention. I once asked her, “Doesn’t that get annoying mom???” and she said, “I know their going to do it anyway, so I don’t allow it to get to me….”

My appreciation for her, some of my fondest memories, what I miss about her, and her lessons are ingrained in my soul. I hope she’s resting in peace.

Thanks Mom.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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