I meant to post this thought last week on one of the coldest days I’ve ever experienced in my life!!!
Today was -16 degrees but weather reports say that it “feels” like -28. The temperature actually dropped lower than that, it went close to -30 plus. I only went outside because I had to, that weather is lethal. I felt as though I was going to pass out soon as I walked outside. The wind was intense and powerful, and I was afraid that I was going to fall or faint because I was already sick. I haven’t felt worried about my safety and out of control because of the weather in a very long time. I felt weak and helpless, but turning around and trying to walk back inside would’ve been a struggle, it literally felt like walking through ice. I stuck it out and stayed outside, I couldn’t let the weather change my day and my goals. I hate to feel helpless, I realized that was a stupid to stay outside. Something triggered me, I realized that being helpless is one of my biggest fears, and I actually consider it a “character flaw” which I know is wrong. I feel completely out of control and even more ashamed for that, and I know that is wrong too.
I’ve blamed myself for life occurences that I had absolutely no control over. Where did this feeling start? At what point in my life? The Truth is, it started from a very young age, at an age when I couldn’t do or say anything to stop the wrong I was feeling. There’s more to the story, but I’ll continue in another blog.