I Quit! My Quest for Closure…..

I just woke up from a weird dream, forgot where I was. It took me a few seconds to realize where I am, and what I dreamt. I was in my old house, the house I spent most of my life growing up in as a child. After mom passed, I would dream this house every so often, I haven’t dreamt the house in a while. In my dream the door bell continued to ring, and of course, I was the only one available to answer it. I was the only one in the house, and the energy was dark and off. There was also a large animal in the kitchen, but I haven’t looked up what that means yet. I ignored the animal in the dream, and now when I think about it, it could simply mean, “The elephant in the room” that others wouldn’t allow me to address.

I asked myself upon waking up, where is the house??? What happened to it??Where are we supposed to go??? The house is gone, it’s been gone for years. I know why I had that dream….I’m still on that quest for closure.

I remember a time I used to have more faith in people, in general. I didn’t expect the worst, I didn’t expect to be let down, or disappointed. I was younger and obviously more naive, but I wasn’t stupid. I was very aware that that the worst may happen, but I should hope for the best. I began to view people as a liability because of the behaviour and betrayal from the ones closest to me. I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs, but out of respect for them I chose not to go into detail. After mom’s passing and the aftermath that was handled very poorly, I felt I lost a piece of myself. Losing her didn’t bring this on, I was settled in my soul about her departure. The lack of comradery and fair team play in handling the messy stuff, the guilt ridden attacks on me, ripped my heart in half. I have not been the same since then. Many people have pointed this out to me as well.

Because my tears, my sadness wasn’t allowed to be displayed in front of certain people, I maintained my composure for years. Many have said I handled the situation with grace, but inside I was slowly crumbling.

Time is precious and there’s no price you can put on it. I confess I wasted so much time in my twenties, focusing on what and why certain “important” things were not being done. This year I vowed to completely let go.

While necessary arrangements are being made to deal with what still needs to be done, Re mommy’s ashes (which you’ve heard me speak on already) I finally give up on my quest for closure.

I throw the towel in, I’ve done enough, I’ve never felt so proud to say, I QUIT!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

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On a Constant Quest for Closure…..

I remember seeing my father leave, and thinking he was coming back, expecting him to come back, since he always did. The time that he was gone seemed to go by fast, and when he returned, it was almost like he never left, until one day I realized that I hadn’t seen him for a long time…..It was longer than usual……But I didn’t ask my mother where he was…I never questioned where my dad was, why he was gone, or when he was coming back. I went about life as though he wasn’t even gone. I distinctly remembered the last words “I will get it for you…..” I had been asking for a my little pony for weeks, I wasn’t the type of child who constantly asked for toys, so he reassured me that he didn’t forget. I felt happy and excited in anticipation of my toy, then I fell asleep……

The next time I saw him was at a jail visit with my family. He looked funny behind the glass, as I saw him walk out in a strange blue two piece cotton suit with strange flat shoes….His hair looked……different. I had never seen my father look that way before…He looked like my father, but something was missing…I was confused. It was my turn to speak to him on that telephone cord thing, that I found to be an interesting, contraption…..I didn’t understand why I had to speak to him on it, and behind glass…..I noticed the officer man on the wall standing behind him. He was watching my father as he spoke to me. I found the whole experience awkward and unnatural, yet I was glad I was able to see him…..

As we were leaving the facility many thoughts were running through my mind….1. Why did I have to be “dressed up” to go in that place? 2. Why was the visit so short? 3. Why did we have to talk to him behind glass? 4. Why is this place so far away from the city? 5.  Why are there so many rocks on this road with no sidewalk??…..

My first visit to a prison was unforgettable. I was aware of what it was but there were so many whys that I was curious about, that needed to be answered…..My father was not a bad person, he never hurt me, so why was he there??? Why did he have to talk to me behind glass on a phone???…..

I wanted answers, but I didn’t feel the desire to ask my mother for some reason…..I felt as though this should have been explained to me, but my gut told me that there was a reason why my mother didn’t speak on it. I kept these questions to myself, I didn’t speak on them  with my siblings…..I just pondered…..

The events that lead up to that day weren’t erased from my mind, I knew bad things continued to happen, I was witness to them. I understood my dad had been in trouble with the law but I was a child, and my innocence was beginning to wear thin…..I wanted straight answers, but didn’t feel I had the right to ask about this new situation. It was  one of the experiences I’ve had that contributed to my deep rooted issue with closure.….There’s more to come…..Stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

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