closure

Father’s Day was Different👨🏾❤️😊👍🏽PT 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I’m late with this post, please forgive me, I meant to post it after Father’s Day. Been going through a lot, busy, changes in my schedule, and living situation and trying my best to work around it. Regardless, I am grateful, counting my blessings everyday, and always writing nonetheless.

I notice Father’s Day on my calendar as soon as it rolls around, and make a mental note to call or text my father. Father’s day has always been slightly awkward for me since I was a child, for a few reasons. For one, my father was not with us on a consistent basis, as I’ve shared in previous blogs. He went from being a somewhat stable figure in my life, to eventually non-existent. His influence and presence seemed to become irrelevant, and I simply got used to it. After we lost it all, and he was incarcerated, there was no need to keep up with Father’s Day. I was just surviving with my Mother and siblings. We spent an adequate amount of time in women’s shelters, where Father’s Day was obviously not a priority.

I completely forgot about Father’s Day, until it came up in school. Make your father a card day! The teacher announced, and as I loved creating and arts and crafts, I was not enthusiastic. I didn’t want to feel out of place and awkward, but inside I did. I knew I couldn’t tell my teacher that I just didn’t feel like participating. I didn’t go into a category, as the few children who didn’t have a father, because their’s had passed away. They were treated in a very sensitive manner, instructed to sit at one table, and create a card or whatever they wanted. This made sense to me, and I felt empathized with those children, however I didn’t know where I stood. I had no reason to address the fact that my father was locked up, deported or whatever, yet I still felt strange…A part of me almost wanted to tell my teacher, as though I was confessing or admitting that I felt the way I did.

Please stay tuned for PT 2.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔:The Daddy Issue Part 6🤷🏾‍♀️👨🏽💔❔….

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Continuing from the thought of protection…I was taking on a role of a protective parent, unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that I’ve lived without him. It wasn’t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and there’s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority. I felt vulnerable, confused but didn’t show it, none of us did. Crying, showing fear, asking why?, asking Mommy where’s daddy going? What’s going to happen to him?? Was completely out of the question. Per usual, I tried to intellectualize the situation, while considering my Mother’s point of view, remaining cool, calm and collected as expected.

I’ve wrote about this in a previous blog, we saw our house on the evening news, watched the police search the front lawns of our neighbour’s houses. I knew at THAT moment my life, our life would never be the same. Father’s role, the responsibility HE held in the situation, wasn’t even a thought, because I witnessed him be assaulted by the police. My sympathy was reserved for him, us and our Mom weren’t even a factor in my mind. Unprotected we were, and we definitely were NOT going to be protected by law enforcement. My father was no longer a part of the equation, he was a non-factor, he was irrelevant in my mind in regards to protection. We were thrown to the wolves, basically. It was just us and Mom, on our own, without our home.

Before all of this, when we had a nice, comfortable, typical middle-class living two parent home, I remember feeling protected. I distinctly remember my father showing up at our elementary school after I mentioned to him that my teacher had hit a child in my class with a “pointer stick”. Do you remember those pointer sticks with the yellow tip that teacher’s used to point a the chalk board? Well my 1st grade teacher, struck my classmate with it, after she yelling at him in front of the class for misbehaving. I was stunned, but quiet as usual, and made a mental note about it. I didn’t intend on addressing my parents about it, it casually came out of my mouth to my father. Doing as he taught me, informing him about an injustice, wrong done by an adult with authority. I felt protected and accounted for that day, especially for the fact that my father came solo without my mother.

The story isn’t over, I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 5 🤷🏾‍♀️👨🏽❔💔 …..

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Continuing from the thought of, never standing a chance, we overcome, beat the odds, and manage to maintain some form of consistent communication. We know the relationship with our father is worth the push, although we never had a fair chance. Never had experienced a consistent father, with consistent “normal” father behaviour. Please understand, I mean the basics, that a child with a present father (non-abusive), and active in their lives would expect. Knowing that he will be there in the morning when you awake, and if you ask him a simple question, he will answer and follow through on his word. He will be there most of the time, without turning his back on you out of the blue. Pretty much what we’d expect out of our mother, parenting basics.

We spend our time trying to figure out the catalyst for their offish behaviour, feeling as though we are conducting a life long case study. Accountability falls on us, and we end up blaming ourselves. I’ve realized through time, the communication line I have built with my father, is faulty. I was taking on a role of a protective parent, unknowingly. I innocently was trying to protect my father from having to deal with reality, the reality that I’ve lived without him. It wasn’t all roses, by any means. I took the hits for his mistakes, we all did, and there’s just no way to diminish that fact. We lived an existence that was completely based on his choices and it changed the course of our lives. Fugitives on the run, no more home, stability, safety no longer a priority…I’ll continue in my next blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 4👨🏽🤷🏾‍♀️💔❔…..

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Continuing from where I left off… I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled.

We continued with the the topic of emotional support, we try to be emotionally supportive, regardless of the circumstance, but that is NOT a child’s responsibility. We feel responsible for their emotions, while ignoring and repressing our own. “This is why I’ve allowed so much bull**** to fly in my relationships!”, she began to explain. The pain and frustration in her voice was painful to hear. She expressed her regrets for giving the wrong people so many chances. She said she felt guilt, and that she may have unintentionally set a bad example for her children. She told me that she felt ashamed of herself for the nonsense she’s normalized. The passes she gave to people who did NOT deserve it. She said WE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE! and I agreed. Your first example of what a man should look and act like, is your FATHER, Whether you realize it or not. I say this in the case that you have one, and/or remember the times he was around. I remember the first time I heard that a long time ago, from a talk show something.

I’m embarrassed to say that I used to expect inconsistent behaviour from men. Not necessarily “bad” or “good” behaviour, just inconsistent. I’ll get more into that in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔 : The Daddy Issue Part 3 🤷🏾‍♀️💔❔👨🏽….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

A flood of texts from my bestie cousin, lead to an interesting back and forth about Fathers, and parenting. We hadn’t touched base in weeks, I was wondering how she was doing, and her messages caught me off guard. She explained a situation going on with her father with a slew of audios and texts, she was extremely upset and stressed. I was taken aback and empathized, as she told me how sad she felt. She sounded broken, more hurt than ever before, and I was moved more than ever before. We’ve always discussed this topic, regarding Father’s, and how to deal with and understand their sometimes odd behaviour. I’m trying to use the appropriate word to best describe their behaviour, and I’m having trouble pinning it…It can be random, unnecessary, difficult to dissect, and disruptive.

I was almost not going to respond, feeling I had no place to speak on it. I haven’t had a father around since I was a small child, and inconsistent at that. There are situations that I haven’t had to be in, situations that I have zero experience dealing with…Who am I to say anything??

For the longest time, I’ve thought about the fact that we feel as though we have to support them, and by support, I mean emotionally. That is not normal. We only think it is, because we’ve been conditioned by our upbringing. We witness our mother’s quietly “keep the peace”, we don’t quite understand why they aren’t speaking up, or “defending” themselves. At a younger age, we see our mother’s be passive, about things that WE even know should be addressed, or should be checked. Too young to comprehend the complex nature of adult relationships or marriage. There are convos had behind close doors, things not shown in front of children. Simply observing, confusion contradictions, seeping into our hearts, our subconscious mind, leaving a permanent impression.

I called her, and she proceeded to explain her disappointment, stating how a father “should” behave, I couldn’t help but ask her if it’s okay to interrupt. I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled….To be continued.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 2 💔 🤷🏾‍♀️👨🏽❔……

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Sorry for the delay, and for the “dabby” typo in my last post! I’m usually up writing at wee hours in the morning and that one SLIPPED me:/! I really meant daddy…Continuing from where I left off….It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I understand that a Daddy issue, can be any issue, or even expectation, good or bad that a woman may have tied to her relationship with her father. The angle I’m taking is slightly different than the Daddy Issue term that gets thrown around. Based upon my life experience thus far, I realized how much mixed messages I received and took on. So many of daddy’s issues I felt responsible for, ones he shared with me, thus aging my mind and soul. I always felt as though I was five going on fifty, understanding an adult’s issues oh too well, feeling as though I was the gatekeeper for his secrets and flaws. I truly felt responsible for his pain, and I never really knew why. All I knew is that, I believed his every word, trusted and adhered to his instructions on what not to do, the bad things that he said he did that destroyed him inside. I listened as though I was a university student at a lecture. He wasn’t around all the time, so I figured this was important to him, I’d better listen! I showed him the respect that he deserved, yet with a child’s mind thinking, CAN I GO PLAY NOW??? Lol

I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure PT2: On That Day,🌹🙏🏼Aug 30th 2021…

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Continuing from my last thought:

I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, and the thunder, anger. I have never been afraid of thunder or lightening, I’ve always found it quite beautiful and fascinating. This thunder sounded different this time, for the first time, it actually scared me, and moved me on the inside. As the rain began to fall harder, I quickened my steps and my heart beat sped up. I felt shame and sorrow, thoughts of her ashes scattered in water, hit me. Thoughts of her family, her sisters, her grand auntie & uncle that raised her, her mother, my father, her friends, the people who knew her before I did. It was done, permanent, no turning back. Although I was relieved, and didn’t want to dwell on it, I felt off about it. I called my cousin frantic, and cried as I explained what I was feeling. She allowed me to release, listened, and shared words of support. She told me by the way that I sounded when she answered the phone, she thought something had happened to me. She told me it was okay, and it’s understandable why I felt this way. The people who knew and loved her, who asked about her for years, were not able to be a part of it. I tried not to engage in those thoughts, but they sat on my conscience. For years I felt as though she had been dehumanized, even in life, and this was literally about her humanity. She deserved for this to only be about her, and the people who truly loved her. The energy and love she gave to us, to be reciprocated in this important ceremony. There’s nothing that I could do to change it, I could only share the good news with her loved ones. I called as many of them as I could, my Auntie’s her sisters who adored her. They were VERY HAPPY. I even told her mother, (grandma), who is 82 years old and still has her senses. I texted my father, and he called me immediately. He was VERY THANKFUL that I told him. Their happiness helped me feel actual true closure. The were shocked and elated, and relieved to have a place to go to honour her.

I felt light as a feather on that day. I made sure to get adequate rest, and be up early. I truly felt light, and airy, like a feather floating down the sidewalk. I felt free, untouchable, relaxed and zen. The weather was great, sunny and hot but not humid, as the previous days, which was refreshing! The weather definitely reflected my mood. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my body. I felt balanced, and fair, my energy was quitely positive. Mom’s memory wasn’t being interrupted by guilt and regret. Mom’s day felt good now, she was given some dignity, while she rests. Those recent very short dreams of her sending me messages, probably will end.

There is more to my quest for closure, that involves forgiveness and releasing anger and rage. The soap opera drama created by others, as a distraction to avoid giving Mom her place, has changed me forever. I will continue in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure⏳: You Deserved Better 😔. Rest Well Mom🌹🙏🏼……

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Aug 30th marked the 10th anniversary of my Mother’s passing. I wanted to post about it, but I was consumed by a slew of emotions, mixed emotions at that. I didn’t feel to write, I didn’t feel to post on social media. I was going through it, and I wanted to feel it all, good and bad. I understand that allowing myself to go through it, would help bring me closer to achieving the closure I need. I’m blessed to have relatives that lend me their ear. They understand my journey, my hurt and pain regarding the situation. They loved my Mother dearly, and supported me as much as they could through the years.

There was so much going on in my mind, and my heart, on her birthday Aug 28th. It was confirmed a few days prior, that her burial site was finally complete. After all of these years, she finally has a place to commemorate her life at a cemetery. A memorial plaque by the water and beautiful nature, and her ashes were going be scattered in the water. A few of our relatives are buried there as well, my Uncle(her bestie/brother) and Grandpa( aka Daddy). I’m glad she has a spot there with them, she was very close with both of them, and they loved her dearly.

I had to take a few days to relax and reflect, on the whole ordeal. A decade of years of unnecessary drama surrounding Mom’s passing, has been an emotionally and spiritually draining experience. I was mentally prepared to lose her, but in no way could I prepare for a decade of battle and struggle surrounding her life. I came close to losing my life, as a result of the stress and  pressure from it. That accident that I had back in 2017, that I shared with you, was partially due to the years of accumulated stress, guilt and pressure. I continued to dream her every so often, she was trying to tell me what I already knew. She wished to be settled, and for the group she gave life to, to release her.

My conscience, my soul could not stand to go through another anniversary knowing she didn’t have a place. She deserved so much more, and much sooner. I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, the thunder was anger…

I will conclude this blog in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure:My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 2 ⌚…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the weather was close to perfect. I decided to hop on the streetcar and do a long walk, to a shop that I’d been meaning to go to pre-shutdown. I hadn’t visited this intersection in a year, and the last time I’d been round the corner I was a child. There was a restaurant that I wanted to go to, I was craving a bean burrito. I decided to walk down the people filled street, with restrictions lifted, it looked chaotic.

As I walked down the street, I was shocked at how busy it was! There were three times as many people, as the vacant street that I had walked down. There were pockets of homeless people, on both sides of the streets. I was taken aback, because I don’t remember this street being this way. My first instinct was to turn right back around and hop on the first bus back towards home. I felt overwhelmed, for a few seconds, very uneasy, uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure why. I took a breath, and shook it off. I realized that I was allowing myself to let fear take over me. I was afraid to face the confusion of my childhood trauma, the feeling unsettled from constantly moving around. The places I had faint but yet strangely familiar memories of, walking with my Mother and all of us kids. I had no reason to let fear guide me now, and I wanted to see this strangely familiar street. This street resonated with my soul, as many streets in Toronto do. I decided to continue walking, and walk strong, as my mother always said to me.

I started to feel a sense of nostalgia, as I approached the local Toronto public library. I immediately wanted to pull out my phone to take a pic, but somebody was sitting on the grass in front, taking selfies. I didn’t want to disturb them, by pointing my phone towards them, as that may make them uncomfortable. I try to exercise good phone photo etiquette while in public, so I decided not to take the pic. I told myself that while the weather is good, I will be sure to return and take a photo.

As I waited for my food at a chill classic authentic Mexican restaurant, I felt a sense of relief. I was happy that I continued walking and exploring the block. I felt a sense of pride, and closure. I walked to the bus stop with the heaviest burrito I had ever bought in my life, and headed home.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure: My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 1⌚…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I’ve always felt as though I was battling time, or racing against it. In the back of my mind, I’ve always felt ten years behind. No matter how much I accomplished, I felt that I still didn’t do enough. I felt as though I was starting a race 100 steps behind everyone else. Not competing with anyone, but only with myself, and time. I know that father time always wins and time does not stop for anybody. I may as well settle this now, and not waste anymore time.

I decided recently that I would stop, I will quit sweating time, and not worry about it. I will not view time as my enemy, or feel that I have to compete with it. I’ve put a lot of stress on myself, trying to figure out what more I could’ve done to move forward, faster. Nothing I did ever felt good enough. I always felt ten steps behind of myself, and everyone else. I finally accept that I can not make up for lost time, on my terms. I don’t have the power to recreate all of the experiences that I feel I missed out on.

On numerous nights, I’ve lost sleep, wondering, worrying, recreating the ideal situation that I wish would’ve happened. At one point, I contemplated what having amnesia would feel like, I thought it would be a solution to my trauma. If I could not remember what happened then it would no longer bother me. I would no longer have the memory as a point of reference to my pain.

Feeling guilty for situations that were beyond my control, feeling that I was responsible for fixing any and everything that went wrong. Guilt would creep up on me, shame and fear. These demons would reappear time and time again. I felt as though I couldn’t escape them. They say time heals all wounds, and I agree with that, to a degree….

I recently received good news regarding my Mother’s burial (RIP) which brought me happiness, relief, along with immense sadness. It’s finally being worked on, and will be ready for people to attend soon. Haunting thoughts of why did this have to take so long???? Accompanied with shame and embarrassement came over me, hence why I decided to share with you my battle with time.

I have more to share on this topic, I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W