(Conclusion) Am I The Right Fitūü§®???…..


I’m kinda over this….maybe I’m not fit for this anymore?? I sighed inside and listened attentively to her next question. They became easier to respond to, because I couldn’t give a “wrong” answer. I immediately became more relaxed, and began to recite responses that I usually give. I put a different spin on them, and thought, damn I’m sick of telling these stories….I always feel the need to make them “sound” interesting, so I don’t bore myself while talking. I also want to make sure they remain interested and the stories are memorable. I figure, the ten people before me may have gave a boring forgettable answer, and mine will be the best. I felt a surge of energy and I was able to answer her questions with enthusiasm. I thought to myself, this feels like an audition, they always do….

It doesn’t matter the type of work I will be doing, it doesn’t matter if the office is nicer looking than the previous. It doesn’t matter if I’ll be making a few dollars an hour more, it feels the same, and I think it’s time to stop lying to myself. The moment I knew my body had enough, my health has been affected, I’m not learning anything new, it was time to go! I’ve known this for a long enough time to allow myself to accept the truth. Sitting in that suffocating office was the slap in the face that I needed.

Back in the day I was thrilled to get a job that I thought I was more “upper class” because I considered it an improvement. I considered all the other types of work I did kind of “juvenile”. I felt as though I needed a change in pace so I’d be taken seriously as I grew older. But, when I look back at the positions I’ve held since I was fifteen, they actually did me well. I was given more responsibility, was paid better and was happier doing that type of work. I even had a few managers/supervisors give me a few raises within a short time period. They told me my positive attitude and dedication was appreciated. That made me feel good, proud and important. I even had a supervisor tell me, he knows he can leave the place in my hands because, “I won’t let the f****** place burn down”.

It’s cool to be appreciated and compensated for your genuine efforts at work. Regardless of your field, age or salary, your time is the most valuable. When I hear stories about folks who work in “high paying” positions throwing it all away due to being unhappy, I now 100% get it. I understand they accepted their true purpose instead of making excuses to remain unhappy.

I am able to adapt and learn, and fit in these new environments. Now I am taking a leap of faith and trusting my gut. I am NOT the right fit, and that’s not a bad thing.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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That “Home” Feeling (Conclusion)…..


From that point on we were homeless. We ended up moving ¬†around from place to place, hotels, motels, and shelters for a looong time‚Ķ.It became normal and I forgot how life used to be. Being that my mother was always a quiet, poker-faced woman who rarely complained or talked a lot, I had no idea how serious our situation was, being young and innocent too…..

I have vivid memories about each place we stayed, schools I attended, fascinating/broken ¬†people I met, and being exposed to shady characters, and the”dark side” of life….At one point, we were literally “on the run” with our father, and stayed at a beach side motels in Toronto…It was just life. I didn’t feel in danger, or afraid…I felt protected and safe. I was happy being with my mother, father and siblings…..I felt at home throughout those times and I have a warm feeling in my heart when I reminisce…..Those are the stories I used to love to talk with my siblings about…We had fun most of the time, and we found ways to entertain ourselves and made it a group effort.¬†That was the beauty of it all…..

Those times are more precious than gold to me. I learned ¬†and saw a lot, good and bad, but¬†I can honestly say that I felt more at home then,¬†than I do now in my current situation. The beauty of this town, the suburban comfort, the beauty and unique design of¬†my surroundings, can not replace or fill the void of ¬†feeling at home. I know for a fact that material items, a pretty picture, doesn’t do it for me.¬†I wouldn’t understand how valuable it is to build a home for yourself, the physical and spiritual aspects of it all, if I didn’t have to grow these experiences….

We eventually left the last women’s shelter with our mother and my mother was able to move us into a townhouse in a town in the GTA. We moved into a house again, and I remember running around the fresh, new, carpeted place thinking…Okay this is HOME! Plus I had my own bedroom that I was going to be sharing with my twin sister…I felt a deep sense of pride…..We resided there from then on, no more homelessness…..

So now as my birthday approaches and I’m waiting patiently to find out the status of my place, living day to day out of rubbermaid bins, and luggage, I tell myself that I will be home soon…..I’ve seen the worst it could be, and I’ve fortunately never had to live on the streets. I’m warm and safe, and focusing on what I DO have but¬†I can not fake the fact that I don’t feel at home in this large, lovely, vacant space…..


~Dawn Lovely

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