Coping with death

My Quest For Closure PT2: On That Day,🌹🙏🏼Aug 30th 2021…

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Continuing from my last thought:

I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, and the thunder, anger. I have never been afraid of thunder or lightening, I’ve always found it quite beautiful and fascinating. This thunder sounded different this time, for the first time, it actually scared me, and moved me on the inside. As the rain began to fall harder, I quickened my steps and my heart beat sped up. I felt shame and sorrow, thoughts of her ashes scattered in water, hit me. Thoughts of her family, her sisters, her grand auntie & uncle that raised her, her mother, my father, her friends, the people who knew her before I did. It was done, permanent, no turning back. Although I was relieved, and didn’t want to dwell on it, I felt off about it. I called my cousin frantic, and cried as I explained what I was feeling. She allowed me to release, listened, and shared words of support. She told me by the way that I sounded when she answered the phone, she thought something had happened to me. She told me it was okay, and it’s understandable why I felt this way. The people who knew and loved her, who asked about her for years, were not able to be a part of it. I tried not to engage in those thoughts, but they sat on my conscience. For years I felt as though she had been dehumanized, even in life, and this was literally about her humanity. She deserved for this to only be about her, and the people who truly loved her. The energy and love she gave to us, to be reciprocated in this important ceremony. There’s nothing that I could do to change it, I could only share the good news with her loved ones. I called as many of them as I could, my Auntie’s her sisters who adored her. They were VERY HAPPY. I even told her mother, (grandma), who is 82 years old and still has her senses. I texted my father, and he called me immediately. He was VERY THANKFUL that I told him. Their happiness helped me feel actual true closure. The were shocked and elated, and relieved to have a place to go to honour her.

I felt light as a feather on that day. I made sure to get adequate rest, and be up early. I truly felt light, and airy, like a feather floating down the sidewalk. I felt free, untouchable, relaxed and zen. The weather was great, sunny and hot but not humid, as the previous days, which was refreshing! The weather definitely reflected my mood. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my body. I felt balanced, and fair, my energy was quitely positive. Mom’s memory wasn’t being interrupted by guilt and regret. Mom’s day felt good now, she was given some dignity, while she rests. Those recent very short dreams of her sending me messages, probably will end.

There is more to my quest for closure, that involves forgiveness and releasing anger and rage. The soap opera drama created by others, as a distraction to avoid giving Mom her place, has changed me forever. I will continue in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

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My Quest For Closure⏳: You Deserved Better 😔. Rest Well Mom🌹🙏🏼……

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Aug 30th marked the 10th anniversary of my Mother’s passing. I wanted to post about it, but I was consumed by a slew of emotions, mixed emotions at that. I didn’t feel to write, I didn’t feel to post on social media. I was going through it, and I wanted to feel it all, good and bad. I understand that allowing myself to go through it, would help bring me closer to achieving the closure I need. I’m blessed to have relatives that lend me their ear. They understand my journey, my hurt and pain regarding the situation. They loved my Mother dearly, and supported me as much as they could through the years.

There was so much going on in my mind, and my heart, on her birthday Aug 28th. It was confirmed a few days prior, that her burial site was finally complete. After all of these years, she finally has a place to commemorate her life at a cemetery. A memorial plaque by the water and beautiful nature, and her ashes were going be scattered in the water. A few of our relatives are buried there as well, my Uncle(her bestie/brother) and Grandpa( aka Daddy). I’m glad she has a spot there with them, she was very close with both of them, and they loved her dearly.

I had to take a few days to relax and reflect, on the whole ordeal. A decade of years of unnecessary drama surrounding Mom’s passing, has been an emotionally and spiritually draining experience. I was mentally prepared to lose her, but in no way could I prepare for a decade of battle and struggle surrounding her life. I came close to losing my life, as a result of the stress and  pressure from it. That accident that I had back in 2017, that I shared with you, was partially due to the years of accumulated stress, guilt and pressure. I continued to dream her every so often, she was trying to tell me what I already knew. She wished to be settled, and for the group she gave life to, to release her.

My conscience, my soul could not stand to go through another anniversary knowing she didn’t have a place. She deserved so much more, and much sooner. I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, the thunder was anger…

I will conclude this blog in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure:My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 2 ⌚…..

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It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the weather was close to perfect. I decided to hop on the streetcar and do a long walk, to a shop that I’d been meaning to go to pre-shutdown. I hadn’t visited this intersection in a year, and the last time I’d been round the corner I was a child. There was a restaurant that I wanted to go to, I was craving a bean burrito. I decided to walk down the people filled street, with restrictions lifted, it looked chaotic.

As I walked down the street, I was shocked at how busy it was! There were three times as many people, as the vacant street that I had walked down. There were pockets of homeless people, on both sides of the streets. I was taken aback, because I don’t remember this street being this way. My first instinct was to turn right back around and hop on the first bus back towards home. I felt overwhelmed, for a few seconds, very uneasy, uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure why. I took a breath, and shook it off. I realized that I was allowing myself to let fear take over me. I was afraid to face the confusion of my childhood trauma, the feeling unsettled from constantly moving around. The places I had faint but yet strangely familiar memories of, walking with my Mother and all of us kids. I had no reason to let fear guide me now, and I wanted to see this strangely familiar street. This street resonated with my soul, as many streets in Toronto do. I decided to continue walking, and walk strong, as my mother always said to me.

I started to feel a sense of nostalgia, as I approached the local Toronto public library. I immediately wanted to pull out my phone to take a pic, but somebody was sitting on the grass in front, taking selfies. I didn’t want to disturb them, by pointing my phone towards them, as that may make them uncomfortable. I try to exercise good phone photo etiquette while in public, so I decided not to take the pic. I told myself that while the weather is good, I will be sure to return and take a photo.

As I waited for my food at a chill classic authentic Mexican restaurant, I felt a sense of relief. I was happy that I continued walking and exploring the block. I felt a sense of pride, and closure. I walked to the bus stop with the heaviest burrito I had ever bought in my life, and headed home.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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My Quest For Closure: My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 1⌚…..

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I’ve always felt as though I was battling time, or racing against it. In the back of my mind, I’ve always felt ten years behind. No matter how much I accomplished, I felt that I still didn’t do enough. I felt as though I was starting a race 100 steps behind everyone else. Not competing with anyone, but only with myself, and time. I know that father time always wins and time does not stop for anybody. I may as well settle this now, and not waste anymore time.

I decided recently that I would stop, I will quit sweating time, and not worry about it. I will not view time as my enemy, or feel that I have to compete with it. I’ve put a lot of stress on myself, trying to figure out what more I could’ve done to move forward, faster. Nothing I did ever felt good enough. I always felt ten steps behind of myself, and everyone else. I finally accept that I can not make up for lost time, on my terms. I don’t have the power to recreate all of the experiences that I feel I missed out on.

On numerous nights, I’ve lost sleep, wondering, worrying, recreating the ideal situation that I wish would’ve happened. At one point, I contemplated what having amnesia would feel like, I thought it would be a solution to my trauma. If I could not remember what happened then it would no longer bother me. I would no longer have the memory as a point of reference to my pain.

Feeling guilty for situations that were beyond my control, feeling that I was responsible for fixing any and everything that went wrong. Guilt would creep up on me, shame and fear. These demons would reappear time and time again. I felt as though I couldn’t escape them. They say time heals all wounds, and I agree with that, to a degree….

I recently received good news regarding my Mother’s burial (RIP) which brought me happiness, relief, along with immense sadness. It’s finally being worked on, and will be ready for people to attend soon. Haunting thoughts of why did this have to take so long???? Accompanied with shame and embarrassement came over me, hence why I decided to share with you my battle with time.

I have more to share on this topic, I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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PT2 About That Dream 💭: The Dream I Didn’t Share About Mom…. ⏳ 👩🏿 🌹

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I had a dream in December that I felt compelled to share, but didn’t. I had the draft unfinished in my folder since December. I decided I should share it, and it felt good to share my last dream. I appreciate the likes and positive feedback. I especially appreciate that people actually took the time to read it. I know it will not bring me closure, but I do feel better, stronger, and lighter when I share these type of dreams. So, here goes:

It was a pleasant dream, only because of the way she appeared, and how she looked. I left the paragraph in draft status, and added a few details here and there.The dream had a double meaning, and I put two and two together. It left me feeling somber. I had just had an awkward and heated exchange with the “group” I’ll call them. We were on the porch of an old house that I had never seen in my life. I was standing alone on one side, as the group was on the opposite side. As I walked towards them, I was stopped, and repelled by a swift arm motion by one of them. It felt like a magnet repelling another magnet. I was being pushed away, rejected, repelled. I stayed back, didn’t even question it. Then I turned and ran away. I ran away to find somewhere to hide. I wanted to get away.

I ended up in some room then my mother suddenly appeared in the doorway. She stood in the arch, glowing. My mother looked so beautiful, and she was glowing so bright. I loved the fabric, and the pattern of her hair scarf. Her hair was wrapped perfectly, it was perfectly symmetrical. She looked regal. She spoke a few words to me in a casual tone, but I was not focused her words. I was just happy and relieved to see her. I do not remember exactly what she said. I felt safe, I felt as though she came to back me up, to reassure me that it was okay. She understands what my mission was. I felt as though I had an alibi…

I woke up feeling sombre, yet relieved to have seen her again. I was holding on the snapshot of mom and her beauty and beautiful energy. I knew the meaning of the dream, but I felt sad and powerless.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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About That Dream 💭 :Paper 📄 Thin, Holding On💔…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I apologize for the delay, I meant to post days ago, but have been preoccupied and could not seem to complete a blog. I had a dream about my mother a few nights ago that I feel compelled to share with you, although it was difficult for me to come to grips with. The dream was short, and I couldn’t remember the begin or middle but I could remember the end. You ever have those dreams that seem as though they only last a few seconds long, right before you wake up? Those Dreams stick with me the whole day, and I make sure that I look into them, especially if the subject was meaningful.

As much as I try to be transparent and share my dreams to the best of my ability, I feel very vulnerable doing so. Dreams don’t always make sense, and making sense of them while sharing them with the world, is scary. There’s always the fear of being misunderstood. Anyways, this was my dream:

I was in the kitchen, in our house. Mother was telling me that she wanted us kids to do a chore, that we did not do. I was hugging her, hugging her tightly, and she spoke to me. For some reason, I was hugging her tight, but she wasn’t herself, her “real” self. She was just a paper thin figure, but it didn’t make a difference to me, because as I could feel her energy. I knew it was her, I could feel her soul. I was holding onto her energy, her caring nature, her kindness her laid back disposition, the traits of her I miss the most. As I told her, sorry, you’re right mom, we should’ve done as you said, I woke up, still squeezing….I realized I was trying to hold on for dear life to her energy, then I felt sad.

I’ve never had a dream like that before, but I know exactly why I had it. I miss my mom, but it’s more than that. I long for the closure of knowing that she has a proper burial. I long for the closure of knowing that I can remember or speak of her, minus the unfinished business issue. Minus the guilt that goes along with it. Minus the issue with my siblings, the misunderstanding, the unnecessary mess that I almost died trying to clean up.

I only shared this dream with one of my closest friends. I didn’t even want to, I felt embarrassed, low and sad. I cried as I shared the details and my longing for closure. That’s all I can say for now.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔:One of Those Sundays☔🍂💯😔….

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It’s one of those Sundays where I vow to start the day as early as possible, vow to get a proper eight hours sleep, but for some reason the day doesn’t pan out that way.

I heard the rain tapping on the metal outside, sounding like a rhythm. I love the sound of rain, but this morning it doesn’t sound the same, it sounds like an interruption. It sounds as though a storms a brewing, and now the power is out. This is the second time this has happened this week, and I know I didn’t blow a fuse. Thankfully I have my flashlight by my side, and another trusty Led light gadget that I purchased yesterday from the dollarstore. I knew it’d come in handy soon, it’s that time of year. Sporadic rain, and thunderstorms. Cool, damp, crisp air.

I burn a large scented candle and lay back down in a fetal position on the comfy couch. I try to make myself comfortable, as I pull my favourite tan throw over me. I remember our friend that has passed, and it’s only been a few days. I think of how positive his energy was, what a bright light he was, and how young he was. I think of how his parents must feel, his family at home, who expected him to come home. I think about how dreary this day feels, and I planned on doing more with it. The weather outside depicts exactly how I am feeling, it could let up at any time, it will definitely change. I am frustrated that I’m going to have to change the plan I thought would work today.

It’s too dark to try and do too much, my sources of light are minimal, but good enough to get me through until the power comes back. My laptop battery is dying slowly, as is my cell phone, and my media pad. I lay patiently trying not to think negative or sad thoughts. I guess I’ll wait till everything is back up and running.

There’s only so much that I can do in the dark. I think, at least I am alive to face this day, it could be worse.
The power came back on as I positioned my flashlight,
The rain stopped as well. I felt a sense of relief.

It’s time to get on with my Sunday. The day ended up going okay.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,


~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: Coping With Death And Social Media📱💻…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment
I understand that in this age, social media is therapeutic for many to express their feelings. Maybe it’s just me, but posting on social media is not my first thought after hearing news of a loved ones passing. Devastating news takes more than a minute to sink in, and death is the hardest to process. I’ve expressed my opinion in the past, regarding what I consider irresponsible use of social media RE loved ones. I am naturally a reserved and shy person to a degree. It took me years to get used to posting daily, especially my actual current thoughts. I don’t mind sharing, but it’s important to process your thoughts, so you can understand them, before sharing. The problem with death, is that everyone process death differently, and folks may get you twisted, based upon what you do or don’t post. I’ve witnessed a few celebrities be attacked or trolled online for posting “too late” on the passing of a loved one. I find that completely insane. It astounds me how relatives of celebrities deal with the passing of their famous relatives while the world posts their face. I do understand it comes along with the territory, but imagine not knowing that they passed away, and that’s the first thing you see! That would be difficult to deal with, for me at least.I couldn’t imagine total strangers re-posting info and details that I didn’t know about, especially when the news is fresh. About a week ago, I found out a very close friend of the family that was like family to us had passed away in a fatal car accident. I had to contact a relative to confirm that the news was true. The feeling of not knowing frustrated and annoyed me. It’s wrong to find out about the passing of a friend or relative via social media because it you can’t trust that the info is true. It’s the same as seeing a post about a celebrity death on a blog site or social media. You don’t necessarily know if the news is true, it could all be hearsay. Folks don’t hesitate to post, or re-post a story without fact checking first.
It’s horrifying to unknowingly log into your social media account, instantly see a photo of a friend or relative, with a blown up photo on your screen with the caption “Rest In Peace”.
This is all my opinion of course, I don’t expect my friends and family to feel the same way however, there’s nothing better than direct contact when handling mourning. I love to celebrate what that person brought to my life, with the people who knew and loved them best. There’s nothing better than the real thing, and talking about the best they brought to our lives keeps their light alive.

I’ll leave it at that for now, this is never an easy topic to write about but I hope you find the logic in my thoughts.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,
~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Just Some Thoughts 🤔: Coping With Death, You Were More Than An📝 Article…

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I always found the manner which news articles are written on people who passed away, very strange.
When I was a child, I would curiously read the daily paper wondering, why would they post this???

I did not understand why they would write an article about a person, with no first or last name, yet post their age. I didn’t understand the reason why the articles were seemingly unfinished, with only a few details. A short explanation about what the “alleged” story was behind what actually may or may not have happened to the person. The article would sometimes even say the story is not confirmed yet. If there was a photo included, sometimes the photo wouldn’t match the age description. They’d list their age as thirty- something, but a use a high school graduation photo with the article.

It simply didn’t make sense to me, and it saddened me. It seemed to reduce the person’s life/legacy. The world would be reading about a person, that was way more than the article. Your whole life and legacy reduced to a soulless, detail lacking news article, that reads as though it was drafted in five minutes…

When I grew up , I understood the reason behind why those articles are written in that manner. The details behind what actually happened may not have not been researched or confirmed, but they will publish!
It’s just an article for a newspaper, it’s business, and something must be published, whether it’s accurate or not. There’s more to say, but I will continue in another post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.


Love and Respect,


~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W