I would not be able to feel good about myself, if I did not do for my mother, what she did for me. This is the natural connection that I can not deny, and attempting to do so over the years, trying to ignore it, has taken a toll on me. I have even found myself arguments, and heated debates over whether or not my mother is “Resting in peace”, and that I should simply forget, or “brush off’ what I have not been able to do. For the latter of my quest for closure, I did believe that she was resting in peace, and because of that I did not rock the boat, while the basics were not being done. I stayed silent and to myself. It was astonishing to see the contrast between her way of doing things for us, vs the way things were being done, self-serving, self-centered, insensitive to her needs, and the relatives who loved and know her before us. It seemed all too convenient, and the quickest way to not have to deal with her as she was, prior to her untimely passing, because she was at her weakest and most vulnerable, and she was not being cared for or protected, or validated. And by validated, I mean her mental illness battle, had already become a burden, and she was treated as though she should not have it, and that I found extremely unfair, disappointed and very sad. This is not at all the approach she took, especially in her day to day tasks while raising us, giving back to her legacy, is showing respect to her, and God for the blessing of a good mother.
Empathizing and understanding why certain decisions were made, by putting myself in a mother’s shoes, my mother’s shoes, this helps me to make sense of the decisions she made, as a young woman, while being in the heart of the city, without consistent support from her husband. There are so many factors that affected her decisions, and she may not have had the time or resources, or options, that I have had being in the city alone. During the most struggling times, I’ve asked myself, How did she navigate the city all the time, car-less? The cost of a taxi adds up, and back then there were wondered how did she do it? Alone with a handful of children, including a toddler, plus a baby in a stroller, with her petite frame, youthful appearance, and mild demeanor. When the subway line goes down with little to zero notice, and the crowds at the platform accumulate as the announcement is made on the intercom, that there will be no service from _________ to ___________ station, shuttle buses will be outside waiting at __________, how did she decide the best way to make it CLOSEST to home, especially during unpredictable, bad weather?? and what if the baby starts crying, and needs a diaper change, and there’s no washrooms or “family” washrooms, available for use at the station?? Not all stations have washrooms, too, so she’d have to exit the station, regardless of the swarming crowd, and find the nearest appropriate, clean, family-friendly restaurant, and use their washroom. How will she make it through the anxious crowd, moving slow and fast simultaneously, to find the elevator, to help us get to the main floor as fast as possible. And, what if there is a long line of even ore anxious people at this elevator, or no defined line up, causing the impatient crowd to become even more agitated…
Mom’s patience and poise, taught me how to put these daily hiccups in perspective, which has helped me survive the city.
My purpose not in vain, I truly felt that way, and I told myself that any hits, bullying, slander or betrayal that cracked my heart, would eventually heal through the years, and the greatest most relevant lesson, that I could learn, was my understanding and respect for life and death, would be solidified, which was all worth it for the bigger picture was bigger than me. When this all I would no longer fear losing anyone or anything in this life, and I will proceed to live by the principles ingrained in me, with no hesitance or fear of anyone or anything. This I did, and I was proud of myself, but as the season changed to fall, I felt as though my year to-do list was incomplete, and I could not shake that feeling, which caused me to feel guilty. Then the dreams of her ensued, she would appear in my dreams from time to time, as she always did, but this time, my spirit started feeling as though I was on the clock. Time felt as though it would run out for me, to do what was right, as this required a group effort. The blessing of moving, I thought would help me secure the closure that my soul desires and needs, this is only natural. A piece of me, a hole in my heart, will remain until the mission is complete.
I would not be able to feel good about myself, if I did not do for my mother, what she did for me. This is the natural connection that I can not deny, and attempting to do so over the years, trying to ignore it, has taken a toll on me. I have even found myself arguments, and heated debates over whether or not my mother is “Resting in peace”, and that I should simply forget, or “brush off’ what I have not been able to do. For the latter of my quest for closure, I did believe that she was resting in peace, and because of that I did not rock the boat, while the basics were not being done. I stayed silent and to myself. It was astonishing to see the contrast between her way of doing things for us, vs the way things were being done, self-serving, self-centered, insensitive to her needs, and the relatives who loved and know her before us. It seemed all too convenient, and the quickest way to not have to deal with her as she was, prior to her untimely passing, because she was at her weakest and most vulnerable, and she was not being cared for or protected, or validated. And by validated, I mean her mental illness battle, had already become a burden, and she was treated as though she should not have it, and that I found extremely unfair, disappointed and very sad. This is not at all the approach she took, especially in her day to day tasks while raising us, giving back to her legacy, is showing respect to her, and God for the blessing of a good mother.
I was okay to do what was needed, regardless of all of the negative and counterproductive behaviour all around me, which took the focus off doing what was best for her, and us.I was moving accordingly, being in the moment and that was perfectly fine and okay, and dreams were not my point of reference, although I always take all of my dreams and visions into account. They sometimes help and guide me to a degree. The one dream that helped me the most, I may have mentioned in a previous blog, this is the dream that I had in the first week of her passing. I remember she appeared standing before me, as her younger self, looking to be in her early thirties, she was a heavier, chubbier in the face, and her hair was pulled back like she used to wear it. I was happy and to see her, feeling comfort and relief. I noticed the room was white, and there were some my mother’s ancestors, that passed on, sitting in the background. I told her that I was trying to do the right thing, and I was not sure what else that I could do, while receiving great opposition. She told me that what I was doing was right, and I should continue on, and not worry about the others. I was going to anyways, and I appreciated seeing her, my confidence was boosted, my purpose not in vain.
My purpose not in vain, I truly felt that way, and I told myself that any hits, bullying, slander or betrayal that cracked my heart, would eventually heal through the years, and the greatest most relevant lesson, that I could learn, was my understanding and respect for life and death, would be solidified, which was all worth it for the bigger picture was bigger than me. When this all I would no longer fear losing anyone or anything in this life, and I will proceed to live by the principles ingrained in me, with no hesitance or fear of anyone or anything. This I did, and I was proud of myself, but as the season changed to fall, I felt as though my year to-do list was incomplete, and I could not shake that feeling, which caused me to feel guilty. Then the dreams of her ensued, she would appear in my dreams from time to time, as she always did, but this time, my spirit started feeling as though I was on the clock. Time felt as though it would run out for me, to do what was right, as this required a group effort. The blessing of moving, I thought would help me secure the closure that my soul desires and needs, this is only natural. A piece of me, a hole in my heart, will remain until the mission is complete.
Continuing from where I left off..She was always creating, bringing something useful, fruitful, out of whatever she had available, a trait of hers I observed as long as I can remember. After her passing, I made sure to uproot the small tomato vines from her garden, that were still thriving, to give to the relative, who cared to keep it growing. There is so much that she provided us, as a blueprint to assist us with life, based upon the seeds she planted.
A blessing, we could not have asked for more, and I truly felt appreciative to God, for helping me understand how to accept the physical loss, although my heart was breaking slowly. My spirit felt light and relieved, feeling in tune with who she really was, more than I ever had before. Feeling centered, feeling as though the leader that I’d always had inside of me was finally activated. I truly wanted to show her and God, that I was actually listening when she spoke in her poetic, yet gently blunt manner. Her efforts were not in vain, nor was her time and energy. This is, and was the most important, to me at least, for this is what builds and molds a person into who they will or may become. I thought that if I had children, I most definitely would apply the lessons that she left me with, to the best of my ability, this I vowed to do, and I thought this would help to preserve and protect her legacy. It is said that culture is passed down through the mother, so if I inherited, and learned some of the best of her character, then this I will leave here as well through actions.
I was okay to do what was needed, regardless of all of the negative and counterproductive behaviour all around me, which took the focus off doing what was best for her, and us.I was moving accordingly, being in the moment and that was perfectly fine and okay, and dreams were not my point of reference, although I always take all of my dreams and visions into account. They sometimes help and guide me to a degree. The one dream that helped me the most, I may have mentioned in a previous blog, this is the dream that I had in the first week of her passing. I remember she appeared standing before me, as her younger self, looking to be in her early thirties, she was a heavier, chubbier in the face, and her hair was pulled back like she used to wear it. I was happy and to see her, feeling comfort and relief. I noticed the room was white, and there were some my mother’s ancestors, that passed on, sitting in the background. I told her that I was trying to do the right thing, and I was not sure what else that I could do, while receiving great opposition. She told me that what I was doing was right, and I should continue on, and not worry about the others. I was going to anyways, and I appreciated seeing her, my confidence was boosted, my purpose not in vain.
Continuing from where I left off.. I am a piece of the puzzle that needs to be completed, just as I am a piece of both of them, therefore my effort is not in vain. I can at least do this for my Mother, for when she was alive, she did wish and desire this for us.
I thought this was a normal part of the grieving process, so I did not expect the struggle, battle, or to have any negativity attached, because she did NOT carry that energy when she was alive. She did not make life harder, or stressful for others in fact, she actually made life easier, therefore her example should be followed, so I thought, and this will preserve her legacy. I was deeply hurt, and disappointed that her graciousness, at the least, wasn’t reciprocated by the ones who received the most from her. I am still deeply hurt and disappointed, asking myself, How could it get to this point?? Why was it even allowed to get to this point?? Practically erasing her legacy, her hard work, dedication and effort, everything that she built, even the garden that she planted, fertilized, and nurtured to bring forth healthy vegetables and fruits.
I remember eating the tomatoes that grew from her garden, they were very delicious, and I could taste the difference compared to the grocery store tomatoes. I was impressed at how great they came out, considering her garden was so small with not the best quality soil, due to our seasons. She was always creating, bringing something useful, fruitful, out of whatever she had available, a trait of hers I observed as long as I can remember. After her passing, I made sure to uproot the small tomato vines from her garden, that were still thriving, to give to the relative, who cared to keep it growing.
There is so much that she provided us, as a blueprint to assist us with life, based upon the seeds she planted.
The message was not just for me, it was for all of us, so, I made sure to share it with my father, as I thought he needed to hear it. More so than me, and perhaps he will be able to decipher the meaning, even better than me. Since he has been reaching out to us on a consistent basis, which has shown me how dedicated he is to doing what he knows is best for Mom, who diligently worked trying to do her best for us. My dad relayed this to me, and I was happy to hear it, it gave me hope that we can and will, move forward collectively.
I decided last year, that I would do my best to try and understand these circumstances from his view. This has helped me forgive, and heal, to a certain degree. I strive to remain consistent, and empathetic to the pain and struggles that they went though, as getting older has helped me to put myself in their shoes as young parents. Although they were in their early twenties when they started to have us, they did what they knew was best at the time. It’s not easy to make these decisions with perfection without children, so I can understand they were both winging it, as I did (with much caution) in my early twenties. There were so many instances where I tried to make sense of what was going on with him, because his actions did NOT reflect that WE were his first priority. When I grew up and realized that I did not ever expect much from him, yet still trusted him when he was in my presence, then I would at least give him the chance to do what a father is supposed to do for their children.
I am a piece of the puzzle that needs to be completed, just as I am a piece of both of them, therefore my effort is not in vain. I can at least do this for my Mother, for when she was alive, she did wish and desire this for us.
I felt comfort and peace, realizing within a few seconds, this is what’s been missing in my life. Her presence gifted me a feeling of hope, as though ANY and EVERY problem would be solved without struggle or strife. It wouldn’t take a decade to solve a challenge that could be solved in a day, nor would it take so much pain, caused by deliberate push back.
Her caring, productive energy, so forward-thinking…I felt she truly was trying to help us, such an uplifting and inspirational energy. She usually doesn’t speak to me in my dreams, not that she needs to, but I always understand and know exactly the message she is trying to bring to me. She was standing in front of me, holding up a set of lovely curtains that she made herself, I knew this automatically, because she was quite the seamstress when she was alive. Upholstering old pieces of furniture, making them look beautiful and classic, which always blew me away. This was a natural skill she had, that I did not inherit, but always respected and admired her for it, which I told her when she was in the flesh.
Behind her was an array of curtains, of many different, styles, patterns and colours, beautiful, and looked of quality. I thought, How did she do so much work, in such a short amount of time?? And why did I assume that she had less time? This is the thing about dreams, they can immediately make sense, or have you questioning, with logic, which you’re really not supposed to do, because dreams do not always walk straight…
My spirit told me that Mom was trying to show me something, and it was beyond the curtains, so when I awoke, I made note of the dream, and made note to tell my father the next time that we speak on the phone. This was a dream that had a message for ALL of us, and she deserves reciprocity for all that she did for us, with a clean heart. I will continue in my next post, Have good night and Good sleep!
I approached the corridors slowly opening them, to make sure that there wasn’t anybody behind them, possibly sitting or laying on the floor, I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t help but notice the homelessness displayed in a different way than I was accustomed to, on the drive up. It bothered my spirit, when I saw a glass bus shelterfilled to the brim with a bunch of stuff, clothes, belongings, looking like a mini bachelor pad. I was taken aback, and saddened, as I pointed it out to my Aunt while she was driving.This was my first time time witnessing a fully occupied bus shelter, it looked unreal, and established, as though the city allowed it to be that way...
My eyes felt slightly heavy from not getting adequate sleep, as I continued to stress through the days and nights. I was walking, feeling as though I was semi floating, my feet felt lighter for some reason. I almost felt as though I was in a dream, what tends to happen when I end up in places, that are oh so familiar, yet a mystery. The energy and vibe of the place was sooo laid back, it felt like walking back in time, into simpler times, like the 90’s. The aroma was the first thing I first noticed,very familiar and pleasant and had a hint of sweet, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it...a lingering perfume or cologne, which was not overbearing. It reminded me of a popular scent from the 90’s, a vibe, familiar, a generic scent, that everyone was wearing back in the day, the ones that everyone would be wearing after free samples were handed out in the mall. I truly felt as though I was walking through the 90’s, it was so cool, yet so strange! lol At that moment, I definitely felt my age! I wished there was somebody with me, to ask if they recognized that throw back scent!
I made my way to the front desk, to ask for assistance as I was instructed to do, prior to my arrival, for security reasons. Guests are instructed to ask for security and take the elevator, or something of the sort, however they weren’t much help, so I continued on my own, making my way to what looked like the door to a stairwell. Yes, Bingo! I entered the stairwell, and it looked strangely familiar,the colour of the carpet, the feel beneath my feet, the texture WOW, it definitely had NOT been changed. It had an almost bouncy feel, like you could run or work out on it, looking as though it had not been changed, since the conception of this Centre. My feet quickly pranced along, and I found the door that I needed, I noticed the energy on the floor, was almost too calm, as though there had never been anybody on it. So quiet, slow-paced, laid back, helped to put me at ease, as I was not here, for leisure, I had an important, and urgent task to accomplish. The blessing in this task, brought me closer to my overall goal, and I did get a sense of closure after I left…I will continue in my next blog.
I stopped for a few seconds to take a quick pic of the stairwell, because it truly brought me back in time.
First off, I hope that you had a productive 2024 as we’re blessed to have made it through!! As the end of the year approached, after my birthday passed in November, I was proud of myself for navigating the year without compromise. This included taking a necessary break from social media, and although I wasn’t posting, I remained plugged into mainstream media, and all of the sad news that affects my spirit. I try not to absorb all of the pain and suffering that I see, which has become more difficult to do, due to the homelessness that is spreading all over the city, around the least unexpected corner. It became another strange norm, that I never thought I would see in real life, as some of these folks that approached me, reminded me of vintage Hollywood, my absolute favourite film era. On one almost perfect weather summer afternoon, a well dressed, clean looking gentleman, wearing a pair of tan coloured tailored slacks, with a collard green sleeveless shirt, fit to size, ran across the street and calmly approached me. I noticed how neatly combed his hair was, which reminded me of a 1930’s paperboy. He looked as though he walked out of another time period, like a 1930’s novel character, who crossed over from another dimension. His attire was current, yet old and “retro” style, at the same time. He approached me, and politely asked for change, running from across the other side of the street, as though he had spotted me. His energy was peaceful, and innocent, as he calmly approached me as though he knew me. His energy was unexplainable, almost as though he was not human. His energy was clean from what I could read, and I really wanted to help him, feeling as though the others around would ignore him. I was walking towards the busy grocery store, hoping to be in-and-out, grabbing a few items. I let him know I would give him some change after I was finished in the store, real quick. He said okay, and once I exited the store, he was gone. So, I scoured the whole area, looking to see if he was lingering around, but he was gone. I felt weird inside, and thought to myself, Where the heck did that dude go?? I was very quick in the store, and I have a handful of change to give him. I confused, and more weird for some reason, and was not sure why. Maybe it was his attire and energy, he didn’t seem real…and I wish someone was with me, so they could’ve witnessed him. Would they have seen him the way I did? And would they have noticed his attire they way I did? And would they have question WHERE he came from? Because, the way this city has changed and the direction that it’s going is quite confusing, and the prevalent homelessness crisis, does not have a “face”, and there is no way to ignore it. What is going on with this city??!
Later that evening I went back out before it dark, walking in the opposite direction, and noticed on the sidewalk a trail of dimes and nickels, before I reached the stoplight. It was so strange that they were laid out literally as a trail, as though placed purposely. The side walk was empty, and I thought to myself before picking them up, why couldn’t that young man be the one to find these? If he were around, I would give these to him…that simple. Blessed New Year to you, Happy 2025:)
I tried to avoid the news online about the flooding in Houston, because the sight of flooding gives me anxiety….The photos I saw on my twitter feed were shocking, it pained me to see. I had a flash back of my apartment flooding last year, watching helplessly as water quickly spread thorough out the place….I didn’t know the water was THAT high! I pictured being in those people’s shoes, wading alongside my belongings as I leave my home and say goodbye to everything I own…
I have never experienced a hurricane, being that I’ve only lived in Ontario, Canada, watching hurricanes on the news looked unreal to me, like a movie. I remember learning about hurricanes in school, and the science behind them. The “eye” of the storm being calm, is a fact that I found interesting and disturbing. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be in one. I was terrified based off of what I saw in the news coverage from other countries around the world. It looked as though the land would never be dry again, and re-building would take centuries…..
I’ve heard some say on social media and youtube, that the victims of the flood “knew” that this could happen because of their location. I find it funny people say that, because we all live in places that are just as prone to natural disaster, i.e. a snow storm, ice storm, earthquake, or possibly a windstorm….Even if we live in areas that are considered “high-risk”, we don’t expect the WORST will happen. There are very beautiful condos by the waterfront in Toronto that I’ve always dreamed of living in, flooding is the FURTHEST thought from my mind when I imagine living there…..
Regardless of how prepared you are, when the worst of the worst does happen, it’s a slap in the face and a wake up call that it can happen to you too.
Dawn Lovely says.................. 