Parents/No Parents…..

My friend brought a question to me the other day that had me contemplating the cards that I’ve been dealt in my life…….She had a very intense fight with her parents which left her feeling abandoned. She needed help, after a very traumatic event took place at her home, and they felt her request for support was too much too handle…. This wasn’t the first time that they reacted this way, but it was a wake up call, because she was terrified and her fears were treated as an inconvenience. The natural reaction would be to go to your parents, Right???  That’s what she said to me. I agreed. I would’ve did the same, if mine were available. That’s the truth.  After telling me all of this, she asked me, “What’s better, having NO parents, or parents that treat you like THIS???” I paused and pondered what she said…It truly touched me…..

I used to  imagine what life would’ve been like had my father been a consistent presence as a parent in our household. I wondered what life would’ve been like for all of us, had he made different choices back when we all resided in the same household…..My father was still alive, but he hadn’t been around since I was a little girl for reasons I’ve explained in previous blogs…After mom passed away, I felt parentless for the first time in my life…..

My friend’s question was a very valid one, because it forced me to look at how blessed I truly am at this point in my life. I made it to my adult years with at least one that always was there for me, regardless of the magnitude of the problem. Loyal to the tee, through all of her problems too…..I miss that. I miss her…..

I’m certain that I’d prefer NOT to have parents that are there, but aren’t there for me when I truly need them, as opposed to having none at all…..The grass is greener, she thinks I have it easier, but I always thought she had it easier.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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That “Home” Feeling (Continued)…..

…..After our house was raided I knew that life was never going to be the same, the scene I witnessed is ingrained in my memory as if it happened yesterday, but I’m going to save that story for another blog. The raid marked a turning point in my life…..I distinctly remember fleeing our home with my mother and siblings wondering, What’s going to happen next??? I was shaken up and shocked, yet calm and quiet. I was only five years old, too young to fathom what was supposed to happen next but I knew life as I knew it was NEVER going to be the same again…..

We ended up at my Auntie’s apartment, where we waited and waited…..I didn’t ask my mother anything…I glanced at the television and the evening news was on, then I saw my HOUSE! I saw my house and our neighbours house and front yard, to my dismay, I was speechless…..I just stared at the screen as the reporter spoke, words I understood, but didn’t know what it all meant….I thought to myself, I’m NEVER going to live there again, things are never going to be the same again…And I was right.

My toys, my bed, my room, I had to leave behind with no explanation…That’s just the way it was. I went with the flow, along with my  siblings. I wondered WHERE and HOW we were going to live. In a matter of a few hours my perception of home had changed.

From that point on we were homeless. We ended up moving  around from place to place, hotels, motels, and shelters for a long time….There’s waaaay more to the story, but I’ll continue in another blog….Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Missed Communication&Technology…..

My email was hacked a day ago, and if you’ve ever been hacked before you know how annoying it is to have to clean up the mess that ensues. My contacts received a very brief email stating that I needed help, and had an attached letter stating that I was in a foreign country stranded. Getting hacked really sucks. You have to cover all bases to ensure there’s no more damage done. On top of that, respond to ALL  the messages and phone calls you receive.

Eventually I was able to see what the actual email looked like. It was very funny to me because although the email was very brief, it wasn’t written in my style. Some friends and family members were unsure if it was really me, which I found disappointing. I thought they’d assume it wasn’t me, just from the way the “subject line” was written. Ironically the people who did notice said that was the first thing they found fishy, they told me that it didn’t “sound” like me. Some friends directly contacted me asking if I was okay but didn’t mention the email, which proved to me that they wouldn’t take an email seriously before they asked me what was going on. It warmed my heart that one of my famous friends from the USA offered to send me money and help me, I texted him and confirmed that it wasn’t me, it was a hacker, I’m okay!. I heard from a relative who I haven’t received a call from in a year……It was strange to me because she chose this time to call me, stating that she was a little worried by the email. I expressed to her  that it shouldn’t take an incident like this to see if I was okay…..The call was awkward but I think she got my point.

The weird part about all of this was that those who I thought truly know me, really couldn’t decipher the real ME from an obvious hacker…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A “Little” Dehumanization, Part 2

On a daily basis I take notice of the “little” ways we humans dehumanize one another in this modern society that we live in. In the News we watch other countries deal with war, genocide, famine etc. and that has desensitized us to the way we dehumanize each other in “little” ways daily.

I’m very sensitive to others pain, and I don’t consider my pain to be more important than somebody else’s. This has been a blessing and a curse at the same time, and I knew this at a very young age. My parents always told me this as well. It’s a natural part of my nature, as natural as breathing, but sometimes in this society it’s viewed as a weakness. I accept this fact, and I’ve figured out ways to deal with it, and of course, I’m still working on it. That being said, I feel the need to address the recent events in the media, and how WE as people, are contributing to dehumanizing one another by disregarding each other’s experiences. Social media has given us a platform to say whatever we want, whenever we want. It’s brought out the worst in people because they are untouchable, behind a screen, unknown, without a face and no consequences. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and it irks me when I see people hop onto another’s page, and argue with them on who has it the worst…..You have the right to FEEL you have it the worst, but who are you to fight, slander, attack another because they are detailing their own experience dealing with social injustices? This is a very disturbing trend, and when I see it, I try to stay clear of it…..

 

 

I have more to say, but I’m going to try and catch a few hours sleep before I start work. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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I have been Tested…..

I have been Tested…..

An argument with my sibling almost tempted me to revert back to my angry defensive ways…Back when I didn’t know my limits, when I expected more out of people, especially those who I share the same DNA as me….Yelling in my face, threatening to “beat me up” won’t move me….I am beyond the petty immature behaviour. I wouldn’t back down from my stance. This has happened before in the past, when we were younger, but we are not little kids anymore. We are full grown adults, and I had to defend myself, without being violent. I had to remind myself that I’ve come to far to go back into that childish behaviour….I don’t even feel the need to prove myself or argue my point, however I will defend myself without hesitation. That’s the “new” me that “they” aren’t used to yet…. I know I am right, because I’ve been through it for years….All of the confrontations brought to me became easier to deal with, to get past…Like a video game that I’ve played a hundred times, and now know the levels, what to expect at each “Level”….I built courage in myself while coping mom’s passing, moving forward and building my adult path, deciding were I wanted to live, what I wanted to do with my time, what type of people I would put myself around…..Everything changed at once, all of my bonds, what I was used to,  were literally was removed from my life….I chose to accept that having stones thrown at me, was worth the pain if I was going to be true to myself…..

I have been Tested, and I’m even sharper for the next one that comes around.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Feeling Content Vs. Happiness…..

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend the other day regarding “Happiness.” The conversation didn’t start off about happiness, it was about negativity. I have been speaking on some of the negative things that have been affecting my moods lately. I tend to be a positive thinking person and I try not to complain, especially about “small” stuff, but I’ve been going off lately about some things that I feel are unjust….That I feel should have changed by now, things I’ve tried to change, things I’ve put effort into in the past hoping would’ve changed by now…People in my life who I consider to be loved ones, that are not behaving the way I expect them to towards me. I’ve been feeling frustrated and my friend has patiently listened. She told me that I become angry when I speak about these things, and that I’m letting it affect me and affect my life. I agreed with her on that, but I felt misunderstood. She said to me that, she’s “Never seen me happy,” which I took offence to, because I consider myself a fairly happy person. I’m not a complainer or a negative person by any means, nor do I walk around frowning all day. The comment my friend made bothered me, but there was a deeper reason why. I started to think about how I view true happiness in life, and the way I may be perceived by others. My happiness may come off different because I’m more “content” than happy, and I believe that happiness is a by-product of being content. So no matter how I feel, my emotions good or bad , I still feel balanced. Not broken, pretty content,  A-Okay…..

I looked up the definition of “Content” and the word happiness was included in one example of the definition. I swear that this is the first time that I have ever looked up the definition of that word. I am pleased that the definition included “happiness,” because it helps prove that what I’m about to say, is logical. I hold the words my mother (RIP) said to me years ago before I moved out on my own. I was complaining to her about something, telling her how tired I was of feeling this way and that I just wanted to be “happy” and she told me that I should strive to be “content” instead. She explained that trying to be “happy” all time may leave me feeling disappointed more often when things don’t go my way. At first I thought, hmmm, isn’t that kind of negative? Why wouldn’t you just try to be happy? Then it really sank in. I understood her point; Striving for constant “happiness” is unrealistic because it is impossible to feel happy in very instance in life. Practising how to be content can help you appreciate life more because your expectations aren’t always set so high for perfection. This philosophy has helped me navigate my adult years much easier. For example, I don’t feel the need to purchase items at the mall in order to feel better about myself, or “happier” on a gloomy day. When I hear people say that they shop for “therapy” I think to myself, you must have a lot of money to waste! lol

I have more examples to give, I feel that many people mistake “happiness” for something that it truly isn’t. So they are left trying to fill that void, acting ungrateful and  constantly looking for happiness in all the wrong places…..

 

I’m going to touch more on this topic in another blog, stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Two Types of Tired…..

I haven’t posted in a while, I meant to, it’s just I haven’t had the chance to complete my thoughts. I’ve been working on this blog for a week, adding to it day by day….I was honestly too tired to complete it, and I don’t feel proud to admit that I was too tired to write…..

I’ve been working from home on my laptop for the last  three weeks attending virtual training class. I’ve been learning a lot, and although the hours are long to be sitting at a computer, I don’t mind it. I enjoy the learning process and interacting with the other students is fun as well, but sitting in front of a computer screen for seven hours plus is not easy. If your occupation requires you to sit at a computer all day, it’s difficult for the body to stay alert and concentrate. I was falling asleep the other day, but I was hearing everything going on, taking in everything that was being said. When I woke up from the minutes of slumber, I was able to apply the information and follow the instructions that were given by the teacher, so I wasn’t technically sleeping, but I wasn’t awake either…..I didn’t like the way I felt, so I decided to take a nap on my lunch break. I set my alarm for an hour, and went to sleep…..I was woken up by a text message alert from my friend, and I noticed the time on my phone and saw it was an hour past my time to wake up…..I was horrified!!! My alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to, I had overslept and now I was going to have to explain this to my trainer. I was worried that I may possibly be kicked out of the class. I contemplated making up an excuse, lying, so I would not have to admit that I overslept. I thought about it, and then messaged my trainer and explained what happened…..He told me it was okay, and I was allowed to join the class. I was relieved, and felt silly for freaking out.

The times in my life that I felt the most tired was not from lack of sleep. It was from worrying, being hard on myself, overthinking, stressing out, and dealing with others negative energy…..Getting eight hours of sleep everyday could not cure those influences. I’ve learned that there are two types of tired; 1. Feeling emotionally tired 2. Feeling physically tired. In order for me to be able to keep myself healthy, I diagnose myself by acknowledging which type of tired I am when I am  feeling very tired. A few years ago I was seeing my doctor regularly because I was experiencing “blacking out” on a regular basis everyday after coming home from the  commute to work. The bus ride was four hours in total, and combined with working, I was left literally beat. My doctor questioned me and checked me out to find out if there may be another health issue contributing to this problem. She eventually concluded that I was simply doing “too much” and I had to change my lifestyle ASAP. I told her that I was handling many things on my own in addition to taking care of myself, but I had no other choice. I was still trying to deal with the messy aftermath of my mother’s passing…..She replied by stating to me that regardless of the reasons, I have to take care of myself and my “frame” can’t take the pressure I’m putting on myself. I 100% agreed with her and understood, yet I was apprehensive to actually follow her orders. I felt I wasn’t doing enough, and that I didn’t deserve to take it easy. I had to digest everything that was said to me and woke up the next day with a new perspective……I promised myself that I would not sacrifice sleep for anything, I will try to get at least five hours of sleep regardless of what’s going on in my life, and I will adjust everything else in my life to suit my overall health.

Sleep is more important to me for my inner and outer beauty than any outfit, make-up, jewellery….And I don’t like that tired feeling in my face when I don’t get sleep. I feel heavy and I don’t like the look in my eyes, it’s beyond beauty, I don’t like to look into my eyes and see a drained zombie looking back at me. That’s another reason why my I keep track of my “tiredness.” I know I can’t avoid being tired, but I do have the power to manage it the best way I know how.

It’s 5:00am now, I’m off to bed now, Take care and Enjoy your day 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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