August 30th❤️🌹RIP Mom: All That I Can Say…..

I didn’t post on that day, I didn’t go through the boxes of photos I haven’t looked at in years, I didn’t text or call anyone. I didn’t expect a call or text from anyone, and I didn’t receive one. We all know what day it was. I usually would feel compelled to text my father and say something, but nah, what’s the point. Everytime I took to my media pad to write, I drew a blank. I didn’t know where to start. I was worried that I may repeat myself and say what I have already said in previous posts.

I didn’t feel sad, just uneasy, slightly frustrated and disappointed. It felt “off” to me that I was calm, yet tortured by my thoughts at the same time. After all these years, WE are still not able to collectively acknowledge that day. The reason why, is what I still have not been able to shake, it bothers me, especially on that day. The reason “we” don’t speak of her collectively on that day, is because of the negativity, the awful behavior, and the messy aftermath that ensued years ago. I am absolutely embarrassed that the closure I feel I have reached, is haunted. I still feel as though, her legacy has been sullied, because of others guilty conscience. She still does not have a burial site, a place where her mother, siblings and friends can go to pay their respects. We still can not come together and celebrate her and all the good that she selflessly brought to our lives.

A few weeks ago, I had a very random short dream about her, and she spoke to me. I woke up feeling surprised at what I dreamt, yet assure. I hadn’t had a dream of her in a long time. The dream was a little weird, but not for a dream. I usually would not feel comfortable or open to share a dream like this, but I now I want to. It confirmed and validated my feelings about that day. The day had not come yet, but I was given a message, a message directly from her. In my dream we were sitting on the ground, facing one another, with our legs stretched out in front of us, and the soles of our feet pressed together. She then proceeded to ask me to change her socks, and I did so. It was a funny request, but she rarely asks for anything, and I didn’t mind of course, she’s Mom. I woke up thinking, Wow, I actually saw her, and she SPOKE to me! I felt assure, but wanted to confirm what the symbol meant, the “socks”.
I looked it up, and the socks meant what my instincts told me they meant, “comfort”.

Her message made me feel confident, and relieved, and know why she asked me to do that. I shared me dream with a few people who are close to me, and they understood the significance. So, as the anniversary of her passing fast approached, the dream lingered in my subconscious. On that day, I knew what we all should be doing, but it’s going to take more than my words to do it.
I am so tired and emotionally depleted from trying to explain, why it’s so important that by any means necessary we do what should have been done ages ago.

On that day, August 30th, I was quiet as a mouse and incognito as usual. I felt silly and foolish, yet again, feeling absolutely alone and stranded with my desire to break the spell after almost a decade.

I thought to myself before posting a short dedication on my instagram, what type of child would I be, if this didn’t bother me??? For she was my mother, the only one I’ll ever have.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: Coping With Death And Social Media📱💻…..

I understand that in this age, social media is therapeutic for many to express their feelings. Maybe it’s just me, but posting on social media is not my first thought after hearing news of a loved ones passing. Devastating news takes more than a minute to sink in, and death is the hardest to process. I’ve expressed my opinion in the past, regarding what I consider irresponsible use of social media RE loved ones. I am naturally a reserved and shy person to a degree. It took me years to get used to posting daily, especially my actual current thoughts. I don’t mind sharing, but it’s important to process your thoughts, so you can understand them, before sharing. The problem with death, is that everyone process death differently, and folks may get you twisted, based upon what you do or don’t post. I’ve witnessed a few celebrities be attacked or trolled online for posting “too late” on the passing of a loved one. I find that completely insane. It astounds me how relatives of celebrities deal with the passing of their famous relatives while the world posts their face. I do understand it comes along with the territory, but imagine not knowing that they passed away, and that’s the first thing you see! That would be difficult to deal with, for me at least.I couldn’t imagine total strangers re-posting info and details that I didn’t know about, especially when the news is fresh. About a week ago, I found out a very close friend of the family that was like family to us had passed away in a fatal car accident. I had to contact a relative to confirm that the news was true. The feeling of not knowing frustrated and annoyed me. It’s wrong to find out about the passing of a friend or relative via social media because it you can’t trust that the info is true. It’s the same as seeing a post about a celebrity death on a blog site or social media. You don’t necessarily know if the news is true, it could all be hearsay. Folks don’t hesitate to post, or re-post a story without fact checking first.
It’s horrifying to unknowingly log into your social media account, instantly see a photo of a friend or relative, with a blown up photo on your screen with the caption “Rest In Peace”.
This is all my opinion of course, I don’t expect my friends and family to feel the same way however, there’s nothing better than direct contact when handling mourning. I love to celebrate what that person brought to my life, with the people who knew and loved them best. There’s nothing better than the real thing, and talking about the best they brought to our lives keeps their light alive.

I’ll leave it at that for now, this is never an easy topic to write about but I hope you find the logic in my thoughts.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,
~Dawn Lovely

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Nov 15th(RIP “Daddy”)My Birthday🎂 Was Bittersweet…

I’ve been meaning to post for days now, but I couldn’t focus, my thoughts were all over the place. I was thinking about my grandpa in the hospital, in a coma. I was thinking about about how much I wanted to fly down to Miami and visit him, just so he could hear my voice. I wasn’t able to go. As my birthday approached, I wasn’t feeling good about that, but I was optimistic that he’d wake up. He was starting to exhibit signs that he would but some folks around him were already writing him off. I was upset and angry that they weren’t giving Daddy the energy he deserved. I tried to keep my composure and keep my thoughts positive. I’ve always known Daddy to be a positive man, and a fighter who bounces back from anything. I was prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best as I waited to hear an update. My Auntie G and the fam around were very optimistic about Daddy bouncing back as well.

In the wee hours of my birthday morning I texted my twin sister wishing her a Happy Birthday. I also praised us for making it this far. I’m proud of myself for making it through another year in one piece. That is most important to me every year, but I do love birthday cake, and presents. Anybody who knows me, knows that!

In the afternoon, I was informed that my grandfather was no longer with us. I knew there was something off, just by the manner in which my Auntie told me. A decision was made and we were not informed. I knew his passing wasn’t natural, I could feel it. I didn’t ask any questions, it wasn’t the right time for that. It was my birthday and I most definitely did not feel like seeing anyone or celebrating. I was just going to stay in my room, quiet to myself. My fam didn’t want that though, they wanted us to all come together, and celebrate the way Daddy would’ve wanted. I felt as though Daddy’s comforting energy was present. Auntie hugged me saying it’s my day and we will be celebrating with cake. I felt a little better hearing that, I had no excuse to go and hide away. My cousin texted me telling me she’s on her way.

This is a birthday I will never forget. RIP Daddy.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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It Shouldn’t Take a Tragedy😔💔😒…..

I won’t tell you that everything will be okay, because I know that life will never be the same for us if we lose him. I’m not that person who simply says to “pray” and posts prayer hands emojis all over my social media. I try not to say, “I’m sorry to hear that” because it sounds insincere, and generic. Actions speak louder than words, and what I do, what WE do collectively, can do more than you think.

As I write this, I’m laying down, fighting to keep my eyes open. I should be sleeping, but I need to share these thoughts. I recently heard disturbing news about my grandfather from my mother’s side. He’s the only grandfather that I’ve known, and we all affectionately call him “Daddy”. He is one of the only caring, consistent male figures that I’ve ever known. He actually is my step – grandpa, and I was very surprised when I found this out growing up. It didn’t matter that we aren’t blood related, but it amazed and shocked me because of the way he cared for my mother and her sisters. It was as though they were his own, and he even went the extra mile for them, helping them. He always made me feel important, even though he has tons of grandchildren. He never mixed me up with my twin sister, addressing me by my actual name.

They say, you never know when you’re gonna go, so don’t forget to tell the people around you that you love them. I’ve always agreed with this, and try to live by it. Witnessing a handful of loved ones pass away suddenly, has reinforced this reminder. Showing my appreciation on a daily basis is a daily priority in my life. It’s better than saying “I love you”, because memories of you is all they’ll have when you’re not in their presence.

I think it’s weird and wrong, that it takes a tragedy, an unfortunate occurrence to bring us together. We shouldn’t wait until a person is sick or passed on, to do for them what they’ve done for us.

I will continue in my next post. Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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August 30th 2019 R.I.P🌹🙏😔 More Than Memories…..

I took a break from posting online, but I’m back:) From the day of Mom’s passing anniversary, I’ve pretty much been ghost. Every year is different, and this year I stayed to myself and avoided frivolous conversations. I went away and put myself in a quiet space. I allowed my self to feel what I feel, and I’m glad that I did. I didn’t feel the need to post my feelings on social media on the day, or post a dedication. I didn’t receive a text or call about the day, and that was okay, but still made me ponder….I thought a lot about her, and lessons that she taught me. I thought about how actually doing as she taught me, caused others to resent me. I have a deeper appreciation for her every year, as I grow older. It hurts my heart and bothers my conscience that I still haven’t been able to properly celebrate her with the ones I grew up with….Since August 30th I think I grew a little. When it comes to my feelings, and facing more than the memories of her, I accept where I stand. There’s more to share, in my next blog. Stay tuned:)

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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(Continued)It’s Bigger Than Teeth…..

I felt ashamed for needing my mother at this point in my life, I felt extremely vulnerable….My tooth pain brought me back to a different place. As I tossed and turned trying my best to fall asleep. I tried to bear the sensation that I can best describe as knives stabbing me repeatedly. I reluctantly took an advil, and tried to distract myself by listening to a program, then I felt to call out for my mother for help. At that moment I felt that I needed to hear her voice, to have her reassure me that the pain was only temporary. I felt she was the only person who could understand.

I remember after I moved out on my own, one night I slept over at the mom’s house and wasn’t feeling well. I was coming down with the early stages of a cold, coughing, curled up on the couch with a blanket. I fell asleep, and as I awoke, my mother was standing in front of me with a glass of fresh orange juice mixed with garlic. This was her amazing, quick fix remedy to cure a cold, and I was very happy to drink it. It warmed my heart that she took the time to do that because although that was her way, I forgot about the benefits of coming back home. I would usually have to get up and make my own concoction for a cold, and it was very nice having it done for me.

So the night I felt I truly needed her, I actually felt guilty for needing her, because she already gave so much of herself while she was here. She took care of me, of us, and didn’t hesitate to go the extra mile. She literally put my pain, her children’s pain ahead of hers all the time, one hundred percent. When she passed away, I felt and thought that she deserves a rest, a break from this earth plane. I replayed all the times that I was sick, it hurt or needed her to assist me with treating an illness. I thought about how much she did for me multiplayed time six, plus the other children she helped who were not hers. My gratitude and appreciation has grown more for her the older I grow. I am flattered when I am compared to her, but also saddened when reminded of her leaving…..

It’s difficult for me to witness so much lack of appreciation and willingness to carry on what the “good” people do when they are here. That is why I chose to share these thoughts. It’s bigger than teeth.


~Dawn Lovely

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It’s Bigger Than Teeth…..

I’ve been meaning to post since my last blog, but have been distracted, because I am in pain. I’ve been enduring tooth pain for the past weeks due to an issue with a wisdom tooth that hasn’t grown out, but is right beneath the surface wreaking havoc on the tooth beside it. It’s starting to worsen, which unfortunately is affecting my daily life, and I’ve even had to miss work.

Growing up I experienced a lot of pain due to my crooked front teeth. My mother had to bring me for x-rays often. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I constantly had headaches and pain due to my jaw alignment. My mother didn’t promote unnatural medicine, but there wasn’t much else she could do but give me aspirin to relieve it. I hated taking it. I avoided these type of medicines because of this.

Over the years I had many dentist and orthodontic appointments because of my teeth issues, and I actually enjoyed going to those appointments with my mother. It was time that I rarely got to spend with her alone, attention that I needed. I enjoyed the bus ride and going to the store without a bunch of other kids around. My mother always made sure that I was comfortable and aware of what my appointment would entail. She warned me of the possible pain I would have to endure and I appreciated that.

By looking at me know you’d never know that I wore a head-gear and braces for years. I often receive compliments for my teeth and smile. People don’t believe that I actually used to get made fun of for my severely crooked front teeth, which I will talk about in another blog.

I’ve taken the best care of my teeth as I can, even spent hundreds and hundreds due to having no dental insurance. I made sure to get those yearly check ups and keep my oral health in tact. My mother’s influence set that example. When she passed away, I thought about how much time, effort, and money that she specifically put into my teeth. She helped grow my self-esteem, a beautiful smile can go a long way in life. She invested in my teeth as a single mother struggling at times to ensure our basic needs were met.

The other night I found myself wanting to cry out for my mother. I was tossing and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep and block out the excruciating pain I was in. I haven’t had that feeling since I was a child, and I wasn’t the type of child who cried for my mom when I was in pain. I didn’t want to stress her out, I didn’t want her to worry about me.

I felt ashamed for needing my mother at this point in my life, I felt extremely vulnerable….My tooth pain brought me back to a different place.

I will continue in my next blog, it’s bigger than teeth.


~Dawn Lovely

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So…..WHY Do We Do This???

I thought it was a rumor, I didn’t look long enough to confirm if it was. I googled his name and nothing significant came up, so I left my computer and went about my business. As I walked up the stairs to leave, my aunt yelled to me, that he had been shot AND killed…

The internet is odd to me when it comes to violent acts, people lying and making up stories for attention is a norm nowadays. I don’t believe everything I hear, so I didn’t believe that anything really happened to this young man until it was confirmed. I was very upset and and felt drained at that moment. I felt sorrow, disappointment, and anger. The first thought that came to my mind was, he is so young, and didn’t get to finish his course, and what are the people going to do without him?!! What are his children and woman going to do without him?? More children left without a father, who was ACTUALLY taking care of them, AND his community. Who else has the strength and courage to build and help others the way he did???

The reason I originally started following him and taking in his music, was because of his attitude and build- it-on- your own mentality. As I received text messages about it, I couldn’t express how annoyed I was. Although I do not know him, and know he was not perfect, I still felt he deserved to at least live until forty. Who knows how much more he could’ve done and learned…

There’s something else I need to add, that’s been bothering me RE death and the internet’s manner of dealing with it. Celebrity or not, if we claim to love and admire this person so much, why would you post such a gruesome scene of their last living moments??? Do you think that HE would post the same of you if the roles were reversed??! If your relative died in violent manner caught on camera, would you want to see a video of them layed out on the ground, fighting for their life??? Of course not!!! Getting over the initial shock of them dying is difficult enough, so is a visual necessary??? Do we need to see everything?!! NO. OF COURSE NOT!

But I guess that comes along with the price of fame, everything is open for the public. I feel as though we the people, need not want to see all the details, it’s unnecessary. Famous or not, we can help with “well wishes and prayers” or just do the fair thing, that you’d want done for you or your family if you were in that tragic situation.

I don’t feel the need to post the name of who I’m talking about, I’m sure the majority of you figured it out.

I hope you get the rest you need, you accomplished much in your thirty-three years. I appreciate your lessons and encouragement and of course, your quality music.

Good Night.


~Dawn Lovely

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About Mom(RIP)& Appreciation…..

Mom loved people and she loved life. I saw it in the way she took care of us, and her care for others.

She treated others children as if they were her own, and treated those children equal to her own. Over the years other children stayed with us, and mom’s care for them was consistent.

When my cousins stayed with us, they told me how much they appreciated her, and the way she took care of them. I thought that was very cool.

She appreciated nature and the environment. I saw it in the way she took care of plants and her garden. She taught me that growing your own food is possible, as long as you nurture your soil.

She would cook your favourites upon request, if you asked politely. I used to bring apple crisp and peanut brittle to school for my class mates. They loved it, and told me I was lucky, but it was an everyday thing to me. I appreciated this more after I moved out.

Regardless of how much money we had, mom made sure we ate a cooked meal every night. She always made something out of nothing. Mom could stretch the littlest ingredients to last through the week, I used to think she was a magician.

She would wake up early, even on weekdays to make breakfast for us. I used to wonder how and when she had the energy to get through the day.

I admired her natural beauty, the way she french braided her hair, and still glowed with zero make up. I appreciated the way she took care of my hair, braiding my hair, which taught me to love my natural self…..

I’m sitting here alone in a small, dimly lit contemporary office, high in the sky. Looking down at the busy toronto midtown street that we used to frequent with her. I visioned her walking with a bunch of children around her, pushing a stroller through the crowd. Folks stopping her to ask, “Are they ALL YOURS?!!” and her calmly responding. She never acted rude to strangers who were nosey or curious. She was a married woman, had us in her twenties, and we all share the same father, but folks couldn’t help but assume…Her youthful appearance attracted positive and negative attention. I once asked her, “Doesn’t that get annoying mom???” and she said, “I know their going to do it anyway, so I don’t allow it to get to me….”

My appreciation for her, some of my fondest memories, what I miss about her, and her lessons are ingrained in my soul. I hope she’s resting in peace.

Thanks Mom.


~Dawn Lovely

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Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s death…….

Last month August 30th, marked the four year anniversary of the passing of my mother. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm two days after her birthday. There were issues with her overall health over the years that lead up to her untimely death, she suffered with immense amounts of stress being a single parent to the six children she had with my father. The last time I spoke to her, I could sense she was very tired, and my intuition told me prepare for the worst but you can  never fully prepare for losing a loved one. Every year as soon as August hits, a feeling comes over me that I have difficulty acknowledging…..It’s not that I don’t have closure with her passing,  it’s the memories of how my closure came about that still haunt me.025

I have the  tendency to “intellectualize” my feelings when it comes to death, partly because I haven’t had much experience dealing with death in my life, it wasn’t discussed in my household growing up. I had never even been to a “Wake” before or even a funeral, believe it or not. I always wondered how people were able to cope with the death of a loved one, especially a relative or a parent. I’ve heard stories from friends about family members “acting out,” or acting “crazy,” and drama ensuing for years after a relative’s death. I tried to imagine what it would be like to deal with, but I just couldn’t picture it happening in my life.

The news of my mother’s death was painful to hear, but a light bulb went on in my head,  it’s hard to explain in words. My focus became doing right by her and putting my emotions second, even if that meant taking blows for not  “going along” with my siblings. I knew standing on my own would have consequences. Since I’ve always been the “quiet one,” my speaking up had already caused some friction among us, which overlapped this tragic situation.

While at the scene on that day,  looking at the house I grew up in, police and ambulance workers scattered about, my siblings all different, some angry, some crying, some ignoring me as I attempted to calm them down,  I knew I had to keep it together. I accepted the fact that the only control I had, was the  control I have over my emotions. I had to exercise all the lessons, the logic  my mother taught me  since she was not around to speak for herself. I felt my main priority was to represent for her, and do what was best for her, and her loved ones that knew her before I did.

I chose to cry at home and let out all my pain and frustration in private. This angered some of my siblings because  they felt I should be with them. They lashed out at me and questioned why I did this, which was very draining to me, this was the most challenging and difficult part of my grieving. I felt as though I was at war.

My mother’s death for me, was about protecting her legacy, and representing her the best way I could. I called  all of  her siblings and spoke to them, because I knew they were distraught and I wanted to remind them not to worry, as mom wouldn’t want them to, that was just her way. One of my aunts told me I helped her feel better, and that made me feel great.  At the Wake, I looked after all the guests and  I tried to uplift the people who were very sad. Some people that I hadn’t seen in ages were crying so hard, I felt bad for them! I listened to their stories about my mother and I realized how much of a positive effect my mom had on everybody she met.

After the funeral, I was ready to deal with the aftermath, the organizing of her belongings, the paperwork, etc. I had no problem working with my siblings as I’ve always been co-operative and easy going when it comes to team work, but some of them would not allow me to lead, which was disappointing. I wanted to lead by example and make things easier for all of us. I went ahead and did some tasks alone, or with my youngest auntie, Auntie G, who’s always been supportive of me, and now our bond is even stronger.

Unfortunately, there is still unfinished business regarding mom’s passing,  and my relationships with my siblings will never be the same, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, mom deserved it.



~Dawn Lovely

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