My Quest For Closure⏳: You Deserved Better 😔. Rest Well Mom🌹🙏🏼……

Aug 30th marked the 10th anniversary of my Mother’s passing. I wanted to post about it, but I was consumed by a slew of emotions, mixed emotions at that. I didn’t feel to write, I didn’t feel to post on social media. I was going through it, and I wanted to feel it all, good and bad. I understand that allowing myself to go through it, would help bring me closer to achieving the closure I need. I’m blessed to have relatives that lend me their ear. They understand my journey, my hurt and pain regarding the situation. They loved my Mother dearly, and supported me as much as they could through the years.

There was so much going on in my mind, and my heart, on her birthday Aug 28th. It was confirmed a few days prior, that her burial site was finally complete. After all of these years, she finally has a place to commemorate her life at a cemetery. A memorial plaque by the water and beautiful nature, and her ashes were going be scattered in the water. A few of our relatives are buried there as well, my Uncle(her bestie/brother) and Grandpa( aka Daddy). I’m glad she has a spot there with them, she was very close with both of them, and they loved her dearly.

I had to take a few days to relax and reflect, on the whole ordeal. A decade of years of unnecessary drama surrounding Mom’s passing, has been an emotionally and spiritually draining experience. I was mentally prepared to lose her, but in no way could I prepare for a decade of battle and struggle surrounding her life. I came close to losing my life, as a result of the stress and  pressure from it. That accident that I had back in 2017, that I shared with you, was partially due to the years of accumulated stress, guilt and pressure. I continued to dream her every so often, she was trying to tell me what I already knew. She wished to be settled, and for the group she gave life to, to release her.

My conscience, my soul could not stand to go through another anniversary knowing she didn’t have a place. She deserved so much more, and much sooner. I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, the thunder was anger…

I will conclude this blog in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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About Mom(RIP)& Appreciation…..

Mom loved people and she loved life. I saw it in the way she took care of us, and her care for others.

She treated others children as if they were her own, and treated those children equal to her own. Over the years other children stayed with us, and mom’s care for them was consistent.

When my cousins stayed with us, they told me how much they appreciated her, and the way she took care of them. I thought that was very cool.

She appreciated nature and the environment. I saw it in the way she took care of plants and her garden. She taught me that growing your own food is possible, as long as you nurture your soil.

She would cook your favourites upon request, if you asked politely. I used to bring apple crisp and peanut brittle to school for my class mates. They loved it, and told me I was lucky, but it was an everyday thing to me. I appreciated this more after I moved out.

Regardless of how much money we had, mom made sure we ate a cooked meal every night. She always made something out of nothing. Mom could stretch the littlest ingredients to last through the week, I used to think she was a magician.

She would wake up early, even on weekdays to make breakfast for us. I used to wonder how and when she had the energy to get through the day.

I admired her natural beauty, the way she french braided her hair, and still glowed with zero make up. I appreciated the way she took care of my hair, braiding my hair, which taught me to love my natural self…..

I’m sitting here alone in a small, dimly lit contemporary office, high in the sky. Looking down at the busy toronto midtown street that we used to frequent with her. I visioned her walking with a bunch of children around her, pushing a stroller through the crowd. Folks stopping her to ask, “Are they ALL YOURS?!!” and her calmly responding. She never acted rude to strangers who were nosey or curious. She was a married woman, had us in her twenties, and we all share the same father, but folks couldn’t help but assume…Her youthful appearance attracted positive and negative attention. I once asked her, “Doesn’t that get annoying mom???” and she said, “I know their going to do it anyway, so I don’t allow it to get to me….”

My appreciation for her, some of my fondest memories, what I miss about her, and her lessons are ingrained in my soul. I hope she’s resting in peace.

Thanks Mom.


~Dawn Lovely

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