mourning

About That Dream đź’­ :Paper đź“„ Thin, Holding Onđź’”…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I apologize for the delay, I meant to post days ago, but have been preoccupied and could not seem to complete a blog. I had a dream about my mother a few nights ago that I feel compelled to share with you, although it was difficult for me to come to grips with. The dream was short, and I couldn’t remember the begin or middle but I could remember the end. You ever have those dreams that seem as though they only last a few seconds long, right before you wake up? Those Dreams stick with me the whole day, and I make sure that I look into them, especially if the subject was meaningful.

As much as I try to be transparent and share my dreams to the best of my ability, I feel very vulnerable doing so. Dreams don’t always make sense, and making sense of them while sharing them with the world, is scary. There’s always the fear of being misunderstood. Anyways, this was my dream:

I was in the kitchen, in our house. Mother was telling me that she wanted us kids to do a chore, that we did not do. I was hugging her, hugging her tightly, and she spoke to me. For some reason, I was hugging her tight, but she wasn’t herself, her “real” self. She was just a paper thin figure, but it didn’t make a difference to me, because as I could feel her energy. I knew it was her, I could feel her soul. I was holding onto her energy, her caring nature, her kindness her laid back disposition, the traits of her I miss the most. As I told her, sorry, you’re right mom, we should’ve done as you said, I woke up, still squeezing….I realized I was trying to hold on for dear life to her energy, then I felt sad.

I’ve never had a dream like that before, but I know exactly why I had it. I miss my mom, but it’s more than that. I long for the closure of knowing that she has a proper burial. I long for the closure of knowing that I can remember or speak of her, minus the unfinished business issue. Minus the guilt that goes along with it. Minus the issue with my siblings, the misunderstanding, the unnecessary mess that I almost died trying to clean up.

I only shared this dream with one of my closest friends. I didn’t even want to, I felt embarrassed, low and sad. I cried as I shared the details and my longing for closure. That’s all I can say for now.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

August 30th❤️🌹RIP Mom: All That I Can Say…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t post on that day, I didn’t go through the boxes of photos I haven’t looked at in years, I didn’t text or call anyone. I didn’t expect a call or text from anyone, and I didn’t receive one. We all know what day it was. I usually would feel compelled to text my father and say something, but nah, what’s the point. Everytime I took to my media pad to write, I drew a blank. I didn’t know where to start. I was worried that I may repeat myself and say what I have already said in previous posts.

I didn’t feel sad, just uneasy, slightly frustrated and disappointed. It felt “off” to me that I was calm, yet tortured by my thoughts at the same time. After all these years, WE are still not able to collectively acknowledge that day. The reason why, is what I still have not been able to shake, it bothers me, especially on that day. The reason “we” don’t speak of her collectively on that day, is because of the negativity, the awful behavior, and the messy aftermath that ensued years ago. I am absolutely embarrassed that the closure I feel I have reached, is haunted. I still feel as though, her legacy has been sullied, because of others guilty conscience. She still does not have a burial site, a place where her mother, siblings and friends can go to pay their respects. We still can not come together and celebrate her and all the good that she selflessly brought to our lives.

A few weeks ago, I had a very random short dream about her, and she spoke to me. I woke up feeling surprised at what I dreamt, yet assure. I hadn’t had a dream of her in a long time. The dream was a little weird, but not for a dream. I usually would not feel comfortable or open to share a dream like this, but I now I want to. It confirmed and validated my feelings about that day. The day had not come yet, but I was given a message, a message directly from her. In my dream we were sitting on the ground, facing one another, with our legs stretched out in front of us, and the soles of our feet pressed together. She then proceeded to ask me to change her socks, and I did so. It was a funny request, but she rarely asks for anything, and I didn’t mind of course, she’s Mom. I woke up thinking, Wow, I actually saw her, and she SPOKE to me! I felt assure, but wanted to confirm what the symbol meant, the “socks”.
I looked it up, and the socks meant what my instincts told me they meant, “comfort”.

Her message made me feel confident, and relieved, and know why she asked me to do that. I shared me dream with a few people who are close to me, and they understood the significance. So, as the anniversary of her passing fast approached, the dream lingered in my subconscious. On that day, I knew what we all should be doing, but it’s going to take more than my words to do it.
I am so tired and emotionally depleted from trying to explain, why it’s so important that by any means necessary we do what should have been done ages ago.

On that day, August 30th, I was quiet as a mouse and incognito as usual. I felt silly and foolish, yet again, feeling absolutely alone and stranded with my desire to break the spell after almost a decade.

I thought to myself before posting a short dedication on my instagram, what type of child would I be, if this didn’t bother me??? For she was my mother, the only one I’ll ever have.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,


~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s death…….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Last month August 30th, marked the four year anniversary of the passing of my mother. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm two days after her birthday. There were issues with her overall health over the years that lead up to her untimely death, she suffered with immense amounts of stress being a single parent to the six children she had with my father. The last time I spoke to her, I could sense she was very tired, and my intuition told me prepare for the worst but you can  never fully prepare for losing a loved one. Every year as soon as August hits, a feeling comes over me that I have difficulty acknowledging…..It’s not that I don’t have closure with her passing,  it’s the memories of how my closure came about that still haunt me.025

I have the  tendency to “intellectualize” my feelings when it comes to death, partly because I haven’t had much experience dealing with death in my life, it wasn’t discussed in my household growing up. I had never even been to a “Wake” before or even a funeral, believe it or not. I always wondered how people were able to cope with the death of a loved one, especially a relative or a parent. I’ve heard stories from friends about family members “acting out,” or acting “crazy,” and drama ensuing for years after a relative’s death. I tried to imagine what it would be like to deal with, but I just couldn’t picture it happening in my life.

The news of my mother’s death was painful to hear, but a light bulb went on in my head,  it’s hard to explain in words. My focus became doing right by her and putting my emotions second, even if that meant taking blows for not  “going along” with my siblings. I knew standing on my own would have consequences. Since I’ve always been the “quiet one,” my speaking up had already caused some friction among us, which overlapped this tragic situation.

While at the scene on that day,  looking at the house I grew up in, police and ambulance workers scattered about, my siblings all different, some angry, some crying, some ignoring me as I attempted to calm them down,  I knew I had to keep it together. I accepted the fact that the only control I had, was the  control I have over my emotions. I had to exercise all the lessons, the logic  my mother taught me  since she was not around to speak for herself. I felt my main priority was to represent for her, and do what was best for her, and her loved ones that knew her before I did.

I chose to cry at home and let out all my pain and frustration in private. This angered some of my siblings because  they felt I should be with them. They lashed out at me and questioned why I did this, which was very draining to me, this was the most challenging and difficult part of my grieving. I felt as though I was at war.

My mother’s death for me, was about protecting her legacy, and representing her the best way I could. I called  all of  her siblings and spoke to them, because I knew they were distraught and I wanted to remind them not to worry, as mom wouldn’t want them to, that was just her way. One of my aunts told me I helped her feel better, and that made me feel great.  At the Wake, I looked after all the guests and  I tried to uplift the people who were very sad. Some people that I hadn’t seen in ages were crying so hard, I felt bad for them! I listened to their stories about my mother and I realized how much of a positive effect my mom had on everybody she met.

After the funeral, I was ready to deal with the aftermath, the organizing of her belongings, the paperwork, etc. I had no problem working with my siblings as I’ve always been co-operative and easy going when it comes to team work, but some of them would not allow me to lead, which was disappointing. I wanted to lead by example and make things easier for all of us. I went ahead and did some tasks alone, or with my youngest auntie, Auntie G, who’s always been supportive of me, and now our bond is even stronger.

Unfortunately, there is still unfinished business regarding mom’s passing,  and my relationships with my siblings will never be the same, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, mom deserved it.

R.I.P. MOMMY.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

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