My Quest For Closure PT2: On That Day,🌹🙏🏼Aug 30th 2021…

Continuing from my last thought:

I had a little break down in the evening on August 28th, as I got home from the road. The severe thunderstorm started as I turned the corner to my place. I felt an eerie vibe, a touch of fear and panic that I have NOT felt before. I thought to myself, WOW. Her life, her legacy, overshadowed, and marred by others mistakes. I started to feel ashamed and disappointed. I thought the rain was representative of tears, and the thunder, anger. I have never been afraid of thunder or lightening, I’ve always found it quite beautiful and fascinating. This thunder sounded different this time, for the first time, it actually scared me, and moved me on the inside. As the rain began to fall harder, I quickened my steps and my heart beat sped up. I felt shame and sorrow, thoughts of her ashes scattered in water, hit me. Thoughts of her family, her sisters, her grand auntie & uncle that raised her, her mother, my father, her friends, the people who knew her before I did. It was done, permanent, no turning back. Although I was relieved, and didn’t want to dwell on it, I felt off about it. I called my cousin frantic, and cried as I explained what I was feeling. She allowed me to release, listened, and shared words of support. She told me by the way that I sounded when she answered the phone, she thought something had happened to me. She told me it was okay, and it’s understandable why I felt this way. The people who knew and loved her, who asked about her for years, were not able to be a part of it. I tried not to engage in those thoughts, but they sat on my conscience. For years I felt as though she had been dehumanized, even in life, and this was literally about her humanity. She deserved for this to only be about her, and the people who truly loved her. The energy and love she gave to us, to be reciprocated in this important ceremony. There’s nothing that I could do to change it, I could only share the good news with her loved ones. I called as many of them as I could, my Auntie’s her sisters who adored her. They were VERY HAPPY. I even told her mother, (grandma), who is 82 years old and still has her senses. I texted my father, and he called me immediately. He was VERY THANKFUL that I told him. Their happiness helped me feel actual true closure. The were shocked and elated, and relieved to have a place to go to honour her.

I felt light as a feather on that day. I made sure to get adequate rest, and be up early. I truly felt light, and airy, like a feather floating down the sidewalk. I felt free, untouchable, relaxed and zen. The weather was great, sunny and hot but not humid, as the previous days, which was refreshing! The weather definitely reflected my mood. I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my body. I felt balanced, and fair, my energy was quitely positive. Mom’s memory wasn’t being interrupted by guilt and regret. Mom’s day felt good now, she was given some dignity, while she rests. Those recent very short dreams of her sending me messages, probably will end.

There is more to my quest for closure, that involves forgiveness and releasing anger and rage. The soap opera drama created by others, as a distraction to avoid giving Mom her place, has changed me forever. I will continue in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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August 30th❤️🌹RIP Mom: All That I Can Say…..

I didn’t post on that day, I didn’t go through the boxes of photos I haven’t looked at in years, I didn’t text or call anyone. I didn’t expect a call or text from anyone, and I didn’t receive one. We all know what day it was. I usually would feel compelled to text my father and say something, but nah, what’s the point. Everytime I took to my media pad to write, I drew a blank. I didn’t know where to start. I was worried that I may repeat myself and say what I have already said in previous posts.

I didn’t feel sad, just uneasy, slightly frustrated and disappointed. It felt “off” to me that I was calm, yet tortured by my thoughts at the same time. After all these years, WE are still not able to collectively acknowledge that day. The reason why, is what I still have not been able to shake, it bothers me, especially on that day. The reason “we” don’t speak of her collectively on that day, is because of the negativity, the awful behavior, and the messy aftermath that ensued years ago. I am absolutely embarrassed that the closure I feel I have reached, is haunted. I still feel as though, her legacy has been sullied, because of others guilty conscience. She still does not have a burial site, a place where her mother, siblings and friends can go to pay their respects. We still can not come together and celebrate her and all the good that she selflessly brought to our lives.

A few weeks ago, I had a very random short dream about her, and she spoke to me. I woke up feeling surprised at what I dreamt, yet assure. I hadn’t had a dream of her in a long time. The dream was a little weird, but not for a dream. I usually would not feel comfortable or open to share a dream like this, but I now I want to. It confirmed and validated my feelings about that day. The day had not come yet, but I was given a message, a message directly from her. In my dream we were sitting on the ground, facing one another, with our legs stretched out in front of us, and the soles of our feet pressed together. She then proceeded to ask me to change her socks, and I did so. It was a funny request, but she rarely asks for anything, and I didn’t mind of course, she’s Mom. I woke up thinking, Wow, I actually saw her, and she SPOKE to me! I felt assure, but wanted to confirm what the symbol meant, the “socks”.
I looked it up, and the socks meant what my instincts told me they meant, “comfort”.

Her message made me feel confident, and relieved, and know why she asked me to do that. I shared me dream with a few people who are close to me, and they understood the significance. So, as the anniversary of her passing fast approached, the dream lingered in my subconscious. On that day, I knew what we all should be doing, but it’s going to take more than my words to do it.
I am so tired and emotionally depleted from trying to explain, why it’s so important that by any means necessary we do what should have been done ages ago.

On that day, August 30th, I was quiet as a mouse and incognito as usual. I felt silly and foolish, yet again, feeling absolutely alone and stranded with my desire to break the spell after almost a decade.

I thought to myself before posting a short dedication on my instagram, what type of child would I be, if this didn’t bother me??? For she was my mother, the only one I’ll ever have.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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