I Quit! My Quest for Closure…..

I just woke up from a weird dream, forgot where I was. It took me a few seconds to realize where I am, and what I dreamt. I was in my old house, the house I spent most of my life growing up in as a child. After mom passed, I would dream this house every so often, I haven’t dreamt the house in a while. In my dream the door bell continued to ring, and of course, I was the only one available to answer it. I was the only one in the house, and the energy was dark and off. There was also a large animal in the kitchen, but I haven’t looked up what that means yet. I ignored the animal in the dream, and now when I think about it, it could simply mean, “The elephant in the room” that others wouldn’t allow me to address.

I asked myself upon waking up, where is the house??? What happened to it??Where are we supposed to go??? The house is gone, it’s been gone for years. I know why I had that dream….I’m still on that quest for closure.

I remember a time I used to have more faith in people, in general. I didn’t expect the worst, I didn’t expect to be let down, or disappointed. I was younger and obviously more naive, but I wasn’t stupid. I was very aware that that the worst may happen, but I should hope for the best. I began to view people as a liability because of the behaviour and betrayal from the ones closest to me. I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs, but out of respect for them I chose not to go into detail. After mom’s passing and the aftermath that was handled very poorly, I felt I lost a piece of myself. Losing her didn’t bring this on, I was settled in my soul about her departure. The lack of comradery and fair team play in handling the messy stuff, the guilt ridden attacks on me, ripped my heart in half. I have not been the same since then. Many people have pointed this out to me as well.

Because my tears, my sadness wasn’t allowed to be displayed in front of certain people, I maintained my composure for years. Many have said I handled the situation with grace, but inside I was slowly crumbling.

Time is precious and there’s no price you can put on it. I confess I wasted so much time in my twenties, focusing on what and why certain “important” things were not being done. This year I vowed to completely let go.

While necessary arrangements are being made to deal with what still needs to be done, Re mommy’s ashes (which you’ve heard me speak on already) I finally give up on my quest for closure.

I throw the towel in, I’ve done enough, I’ve never felt so proud to say, I QUIT!


~Dawn Lovely

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All The Time In The World…..

I was in a rush, on my way to an important appointment. I needed to renew my health card, I procrastinated long enough. I left on time, but was trying to be as early as possible. As I walked out of the building corridor, an elderly woman in a wheelchair stopped me. She politely asked if I could do her a favour, and within seconds all of these thoughts crossed my mind:

– But of course! I’ll gladly help you!

– I hope this isn’t going to take long!

– I hope it isn’t a complicated favour…..

-I hope I don’t miss my bus!

-I hope this doesn’t make me late!

– This is a government appointment, pre-booked online, there’s no excuse to be late!

– If I’m late, they’ll never let me pre-book another

– I’ve never been to this place, and I’m travelling by ttc, better to be early in case I have difficulty finding it!

– I can’t tell this sweet old lady “No” Look how polite she asked!

– If I’m late, then I’m late. I guess I’ll have to take a number…..

She asked if I could remove her bag from off the back of her chair, and place it in her lap. Quick and simple! I was relieved.

If I was granted all the time in the world, I would still feel there’s not enough. I couldn’t have walked pass that lady in good conscience. I’m still learning to trust in time, instead of sweating it.

By the way, I ended up being on time to my destination.


~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W