“Dad, I know you would never do anything to hurt me, and I’m not afraid of you…I don’t know if you remember, but when we were little, you put us in dangerous situations, and it was scary….I was scared.” The words flowed out of my mouth like melted butter, “And THIS is why I don’t trust you…or anyone….” I FINALLY allowed myself to be honest with my father and tell the truth. He needed to hear the truth, regardless of his guilt and pain…..I looked up to my father when I was a little girl, I admired him. When he sat me down and taught me about the “bad” ways of the world, I held onto his every word. We always shared a special bond, he made me feel special. When he spoke to me about serious topics I was very attentive, although I was too young to fully comprehend the significance of what he was saying. My conscience understood everything he was saying, and I wouldn’t run a way to go play until he was finished. I registered and filed all of it in my mind. I made it a point to abide by all of his lessons as I grew, even though he wasn’t around. “Always be kind to those less fortunate than you…..” He taught me, and wrote it in EVERY post card and letter. I saved every postcard, telegram and letter he sent in my old shoe box. I held my onto my father’s morals and values, and our mother reinforced them, she never spoke ill of him. I was taught to RESPECT and honor my father, regardless of his actions. I always felt the need to protect him, as though I was the parent and HE the child….
I’ve been putting off visiting him because I doubt that he’s changed, and I can not fix that. His efforts mean a lot to me, but I can not rewrite my past, or fix this overnight. I don’t know how this will all pan out between my father and I, but I trust that I did the right thing. I appreciate my father for what he taught me, and maybe I can teach HIM a thing or too…..