advice

Reassuring Silence…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Please forgive me for posting this blog late. #HappyMothersDay to all the mothers out there and RIP momma, I’m missing you today.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been writing, and I’ve been meaning to share. Since the time I told my father why I don’t trust him and after I posted my blog, I didn’t hear from him for a few months. That is the reason I was reluctant to post my blog. I thought maybe I was exposing too much, although I didn’t say anything disparaging about him. I actually felt “guilty”……By the time I posted, I decided to delete it, because I felt as though I was betraying my father. Fortunately one of my loyal subscribers noticed, and asked me why I did that. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t think anybody read it. She left me a heart-felt comment, commending me on my honesty and transparency. She told me that my blog is important, and it may help others. I came to my senses and re-posted, her comment helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for sharing my story. Many people have broken relationships with their parents for various reasons. I’ve come across many people who don’t talk to their father, who lives in close proximity to them. It’s difficult trying to build a solid foundation with a parent who hasn’t parented you for the majority of your life. The scattered memories may be all you have to remember them by, and as you grow older, many of those memories may be repressed, or dissolved. It’s almost as though you have to create a foundation to re-start from, and hope you both can come to a mutual understanding. Establishing a common ground that you’re both comfortable moving forward on, and communicate as much as possible. I’ve had to get used to speaking my mind with no filter, and letting my guard down when I feel it coming back up.

The last conversation I had with my father was liberating. I told him that he was a priority to me, and this time, the silence was not awkward, but reassuring. He was truly listening to me! Not just to my voice, but to my heart and soul.

Something has changed, and I’m not worried about whether or not it will go away, I’m more focused on nurturing it, and watching it grow.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

 

 

You KNOW Better, So Do Better!

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“Dad! People are Soooo Rude!” A young boy yelled out on the bus, after being abruptly brushed by a many passengers who were in a rush to get off the bus during rush hour. I haven’t taken the( TTC ) bus in over a decade and this area was vastly different compared to where I used to live. I  was appalled as I watched them COMPLETELY disregard the child, none of them even said excuse me….. I found this shocking, considering us “Torontonians” are known for our courtesy and manners, in public….His father explained to him that it was rush hour, and people are agitated, tired, and just want to go home. He reassured him that they’d be home very soon, and that he’d make him anything to eat that he wanted, which I found cute. The father did his best to comfort his child, but the fact that he chose NOT to say anything negative about the poor manners of the passengers, intrigued me….Perhaps he didn’t want to “call them out”, or he didn’t want to plant negative seeds in his son’s mind about public transportation. I thought to myself, this child may grow up thinking that this is just the “way” people are on the bus, when these adults are supposed to know BETTER. They are wrong and there is no excuse for it, and hearing a little boy become so upset and annoyed that he yelled, touched my conscience…..When I’m having a tough day and it’s almost coming to an end, I can be triggered by the smallest act of rudeness by a stranger. I don’t always address them, it’s not even worth it, but it does disrupt my peace temporarily. I realized what really gets to me, is the lack of effort to show a fellow human basic manners and respect. Saying Please/Thank You/Excuse Me only takes 2-3 seconds tops, and it can make a world of difference…..

I have hope, and believe that if those who KNOW better, simply DO better, we can set a better example for the generations after us. They won’t think twice to do better, because it will come naturally, once they learn. It’s baby steps that grown folks need to take, so our babies will follow suit…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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What’s in an Apology? Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I was pleasantly surprised at an apology that I received the other day from my friend. Something was said to me weeks ago that offended me and slightly hurt my feelings. The apology came at the right time,  and it reinforced our friendship. I was not expecting that apology at that point in time, and it reminded me of why we are friends. We’ve had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years yet have always managed to maintain our friendship and talk openly about our difference of opinion. The debates we have often end up in heated arguments. It could be our because our zodiac signs clash, or we’re both stubborn and head strong. I have apologized in the past for any words/actions that I have done, as soon as I realize what I have said or done has been insulting. I do not allow my ego to get in the way of apologizing even when I know I was not all the way wrong…..

I have always found an apology to be a strange concept because, just because you apologize, doesn’t mean your sorry, and just because you don’t apologize doesn’t mean you’re NOT sorry. People apologize for the smallest things because  it’s just “polite” to do so. Being from Canada, I hear apologies on a daily basis from complete strangers. A person will apologize for simply brushing you lightly when walking by, or stepping in your way by accident, or not seeing you coming and closing the door on you instead of doing the normal 1o second hold…I love that about Canada…by the way…..

One of my favourite songs of all time is “I Apologize” by Anita Baker. The melodic sound and the lyrics touched me in my pre-teens. It sent an example by saying, “I knew I was wrong……” I KNEW I was WRONG. Admitting you are wrong is the most important part of an apology, simply acknowledging it and allowing those words to flow out of your mouth, can repair or revive a broken or damaged relationship. It can also strengthen a relationship as well. I remember taking in an apology from my ex-boyfriend from high school. We were all grown up when he apologized for something he did in his teens. I gave him the opportunity to apologize by meeting up with him at his request. After we talked, and he made his apology, I saw how much it meant to him to have me accept his apology. I grew a little inside that day, it helped me mature into real Adulthood.

I have lowered my expectations as I’ve grown older as to how and when I’ll accept an apology. The gesture itself holds more merit these days since “bad manners”  seem to be in style. An apology that is insincere from a person who has difficulty apologizing  means more than the actual words coming out of their mouth. I give them an A for effort :), however I will not put myself around anyone who refuses to acknowledge that an apology is necessary to open up the doors of healthy communication…..

I will get more into apologies in Part 2 of this blog. Take care Until then 🙂

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Adult Growing Pains…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I remember growing pains as a child…..My legs feeling sore, aching, uncomfortable…..It was an  awkward type of pain that was new. I’d go to Mom and tell her that my legs are hurting again…she’d say, “Oh don’t worry, hush, you’re just having “growing pains”…..”

Growing pains felt like they’d never end. I used to lay in bed and try to fall asleep just to not have to deal with them. The only comfort I could give myself was knowing that I’m actually GROWING, so I’d be a little taller…..eventually. I’d feel better by the next day, I wondered if I  actually did grow, and sometimes even checked to see if there were results. Of course, I couldn’t see the results but I was relieved that the pain was over, and hoped it would be a long time before I had to feel them again.

Adults don’t have to deal with growing pains, not physical ones at least. But growing spiritually, facing yourself, truly acknowledging what needs to change in your life, can be as uncomfortable and awkward as growing pains. The pain can hit you out of the blue, and it may come up waaaay after an experience that you thought you was over…..

I had to make a difficult decision that was heart wrenching the other day. I didn’t attend a “family meeting” that the whole family was expected to attend. I’ve attended family meetings in the past, but this case was different…..I was concerned I would look as though I didn’t care, when I actually care a lot…I’ve cared too much actually. I knew  not attending would be the best, healthiest choice at this point yet I still wrestled with my heart, gut, logic to come to a decision that I’d be at peace with. I felt guilty that I felt this way…..

I am very loyal to my family and extended family. I’ve made myself available to them whenever for whatever they need but I could not bring myself to fall victim once again to the same pattern that’s been  repeating like a horrible deja vu. This has been going on for years since the untimely deaths of my uncle and mother, there’s been a disconnect that the family has suffered for almost a decade. I’ve watched as it’s slowly eroded the basic ability to interact and communicate within the family. One of my biggest fears was this becoming the norm so when I realized that I was starting to close myself off, and “hide in my shell” I began to practice doing the opposite. This helped me a lot after mom passed away. As the years went by it was easier for me to make a simple phone call to a relative that I rarely see. I became even more sensitive to the needs of others, and what would help them feel better, but I became sort of numb to how I truly felt about what was going on. My grieving/mourning was  interrupted and I didn’t even realize the damage it was doing to me….Until a year or two later…..

So, I decided the other day to not attend a family meeting because I felt as though there is not enough effort being put out by others to promote proper basic communication, and until I see a change, I will stay to myself. If anybody needs me, I have the same phone number, and they are welcome to give me a call, any time…..

I’ve grown as person because of this, however it’s very painful to go through and there is nothing I can do to prevent this pain…..

The pain  comes along with the territory of growing, maturing into Adulthood and it will return……I’m okay with that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Sounding Off on Advice…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Imagine if good advice came at a cost…..Have you ever received the best advice of your life and it paid off in ways that you couldn’t imagine? If a person provides you with advice that pays off, then shouldn’t that person deserve to be paid too? I’m kidding, but the other day I was thinking about the value of good, sound advice…..

I’ve taken advice from people from all walks of life, and the ones who were the least like me, happened to give the best lessons. I’m sure you have “that” friend who makes the worst decisions, but gives the best advice. I’ve asked, “Why did you do that though? You know better…..” their response, “I don’t want to see YOU go through it….” reminding  me of a protective parent, I’d be a fool not to listen.

I consider the offering of sound advice a selfless gesture because the giver doesn’t know how you’ll take it, you may become defensive or feel offended, it’s a risk. I myself, have been on the receiving end of a friend/relative who took my advice as a “slap in the face” instead of a lesson to learn. I assume they were thinking, “What does she know, she has it easy……” but the truth is, I don’t have it any easier than they do. I’ve found acquaintances and strangers have been more receptive to my advice than a person who knows me. We trust people who don’t know us not to lead us astray, because we don’t know them enough to judge them as harsh for saying what we don’t want to hear.

The other night I was having a conversation with someone who comes from a completely different background than mine. I respect and admire this person, so when they addressed a bad habit that I have and began to mirror it back to me, I felt a tad embarrassed. My ego took a hit but I listened with discernment, as advice ensued…..

The next morning I woke up feeling brand new, not only did I get to the root of the problem behind the flaw, but I forgave myself for having it. (I’m still working on not being hard on myself…..) I decided to let that person know that their advice helped me, and how it helped me. They humbly accepted my thanks, as I did their advice.

In my opinion, the mark of a mature adult is the ability to accept and apply sound advice to your life. You’ll know the “sound” of sound advice when you hear it :).

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Role Models & Responsibility…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

When I was younger, I used to rummage through my oldest sister’s belongings when she was out. My intentions were not bad, I was just curious about what she was up to, and what was considered important in her world. I used to religiously take her notebooks and textbooks, flip to the back pages, write, doodle, and make my mark. I don’t know why I did it, I meant no harm. I guess it was my way of trying to be a part of her world. I would look at the latest posters she put up on her wall, the books and magazines that she was reading, her “Things I want to get” list, and I would borrow her Hip Hop cassette tapes……She was extremely annoyed when she came home to a room that had been tampered with, and she would let it be known by scolding me. It didn’t phase me because I admired and looked up to my big sister…..

As I grew older I began to notice my sister’s flaws and behaviour that I did not agree with. I expected “better” out of her, and I found myself often disappointed. Whenever we got into an argument, I would question her as to why she acted the way she did. Why she said and did mean and hurtful things to me when she was angry. I remember asking her, “Why don’t you EVER apologize?!!,” and she would never respond. Not a word. This bothered and upset me deeply for years. I was frustrated at the fact that she never took accountability for her actions. This was not her fault though, I put her on a pedestal, she couldn’t possibly live up to my expectations. Her character was her character, and her flaws were a part of her character.

When I hit my “adult” years I began to learn that my sister’s behaviour and what I saw as “lash outs,” had a lot to do with the pressure that she felt being the oldest of the family. She felt she had to protect us and defend us from any and anything that could or would possibly harm us. Her anger and frustration made sense to me now. She didn’t express this by simply speaking to me or any of us, so her emotions would end up coming out in bursts of anger and rage. Although I found it very confusing and it caught me off guard, I always respected and appreciated my sister for what she taught me and all that she did for me…..

I chose my sister as a role model, but she did not choose to be looked at as a “role model.” Being a role model is a job that people don’t ask for, but regardless of whether you want to be or not, there is somebody who views you as a role model. The question is, if you know that a person younger than you in age views you as a role model, is it your responsibility to fulfil that role for them?

If you’ve made it into adult age, then you must have had some type of role model at some point in your life. Whether it was a parent, a teacher, a  coach, even a celebrity. Reflect on all of the good that role model brought into you life, all of the useful information and lessons that person provided you with…..Would you be who you are today without their influence in your life?

It’s not a role model’s responsibility to live up to our standards, they didn’t choose to be our role model. The role that they play in our life and what we take from it, is our responsibility.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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It’s a New Day! Happy Birthday!

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

Happy Birthday, if it’s your birthday today :), But if today is just another day for you, the words I’m about to say may help you make the most of your day, even though it’s not your Birthday.

Have you ever had a day where a person in your daily life wronged you in some way that caused you to feel they “ruined” your day? Or things are just not going the way you’d like them to go, and it starts to put a “damper” on your mood&ruin your day? Well of course you have! I know I have….It could be your sister, brother, significant other, boss, the bus driver, a store clerk, or even a stranger who cuts you off while your driving in traffic! Oh you go the whole day telling everyone&anyone that common phrase, “I’m having a BAD day.”

Now, I have been guilty of saying that phrase in the past, however, as I’ve grown and matured as a woman into my 30’s, I’ve learned that “BAD” days are not as “BAD” as we sometimes  make them out to be. A “BAD” day is usually a few occurrences that happened in the day that you didn’t expect to happen, and you had to get through them to complete your day, which actually is “LIFE.”

So when I have a “BAD” day, I remind myself that I’m still alive& kicking and I am surviving the “BAD” day so I’ll be able to move on to the NEXT day, which will most likely be better than that”BAD” day I had yesterday lol….It’s not about being  “Optimistic” but REALISTIC 😉 If you practice this way of thinking everyday, then you will feel like everyday is your Birthday, you’ll appreciate and make the most of your day, EVERYDAY!

Much Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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