closure

My Quest For Closure:My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 2 ⌚…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, the weather was close to perfect. I decided to hop on the streetcar and do a long walk, to a shop that I’d been meaning to go to pre-shutdown. I hadn’t visited this intersection in a year, and the last time I’d been round the corner I was a child. There was a restaurant that I wanted to go to, I was craving a bean burrito. I decided to walk down the people filled street, with restrictions lifted, it looked chaotic.

As I walked down the street, I was shocked at how busy it was! There were three times as many people, as the vacant street that I had walked down. There were pockets of homeless people, on both sides of the streets. I was taken aback, because I don’t remember this street being this way. My first instinct was to turn right back around and hop on the first bus back towards home. I felt overwhelmed, for a few seconds, very uneasy, uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure why. I took a breath, and shook it off. I realized that I was allowing myself to let fear take over me. I was afraid to face the confusion of my childhood trauma, the feeling unsettled from constantly moving around. The places I had faint but yet strangely familiar memories of, walking with my Mother and all of us kids. I had no reason to let fear guide me now, and I wanted to see this strangely familiar street. This street resonated with my soul, as many streets in Toronto do. I decided to continue walking, and walk strong, as my mother always said to me.

I started to feel a sense of nostalgia, as I approached the local Toronto public library. I immediately wanted to pull out my phone to take a pic, but somebody was sitting on the grass in front, taking selfies. I didn’t want to disturb them, by pointing my phone towards them, as that may make them uncomfortable. I try to exercise good phone photo etiquette while in public, so I decided not to take the pic. I told myself that while the weather is good, I will be sure to return and take a photo.

As I waited for my food at a chill classic authentic Mexican restaurant, I felt a sense of relief. I was happy that I continued walking and exploring the block. I felt a sense of pride, and closure. I walked to the bus stop with the heaviest burrito I had ever bought in my life, and headed home.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

My Quest For Closure: My Battle 🥊 With⏳ Time, PT 1⌚…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I’ve always felt as though I was battling time, or racing against it. In the back of my mind, I’ve always felt ten years behind. No matter how much I accomplished, I felt that I still didn’t do enough. I felt as though I was starting a race 100 steps behind everyone else. Not competing with anyone, but only with myself, and time. I know that father time always wins and time does not stop for anybody. I may as well settle this now, and not waste anymore time.

I decided recently that I would stop, I will quit sweating time, and not worry about it. I will not view time as my enemy, or feel that I have to compete with it. I’ve put a lot of stress on myself, trying to figure out what more I could’ve done to move forward, faster. Nothing I did ever felt good enough. I always felt ten steps behind of myself, and everyone else. I finally accept that I can not make up for lost time, on my terms. I don’t have the power to recreate all of the experiences that I feel I missed out on.

On numerous nights, I’ve lost sleep, wondering, worrying, recreating the ideal situation that I wish would’ve happened. At one point, I contemplated what having amnesia would feel like, I thought it would be a solution to my trauma. If I could not remember what happened then it would no longer bother me. I would no longer have the memory as a point of reference to my pain.

Feeling guilty for situations that were beyond my control, feeling that I was responsible for fixing any and everything that went wrong. Guilt would creep up on me, shame and fear. These demons would reappear time and time again. I felt as though I couldn’t escape them. They say time heals all wounds, and I agree with that, to a degree….

I recently received good news regarding my Mother’s burial (RIP) which brought me happiness, relief, along with immense sadness. It’s finally being worked on, and will be ready for people to attend soon. Haunting thoughts of why did this have to take so long???? Accompanied with shame and embarrassement came over me, hence why I decided to share with you my battle with time.

I have more to share on this topic, I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

August 30th❤️🌹RIP Mom: All That I Can Say…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t post on that day, I didn’t go through the boxes of photos I haven’t looked at in years, I didn’t text or call anyone. I didn’t expect a call or text from anyone, and I didn’t receive one. We all know what day it was. I usually would feel compelled to text my father and say something, but nah, what’s the point. Everytime I took to my media pad to write, I drew a blank. I didn’t know where to start. I was worried that I may repeat myself and say what I have already said in previous posts.

I didn’t feel sad, just uneasy, slightly frustrated and disappointed. It felt “off” to me that I was calm, yet tortured by my thoughts at the same time. After all these years, WE are still not able to collectively acknowledge that day. The reason why, is what I still have not been able to shake, it bothers me, especially on that day. The reason “we” don’t speak of her collectively on that day, is because of the negativity, the awful behavior, and the messy aftermath that ensued years ago. I am absolutely embarrassed that the closure I feel I have reached, is haunted. I still feel as though, her legacy has been sullied, because of others guilty conscience. She still does not have a burial site, a place where her mother, siblings and friends can go to pay their respects. We still can not come together and celebrate her and all the good that she selflessly brought to our lives.

A few weeks ago, I had a very random short dream about her, and she spoke to me. I woke up feeling surprised at what I dreamt, yet assure. I hadn’t had a dream of her in a long time. The dream was a little weird, but not for a dream. I usually would not feel comfortable or open to share a dream like this, but I now I want to. It confirmed and validated my feelings about that day. The day had not come yet, but I was given a message, a message directly from her. In my dream we were sitting on the ground, facing one another, with our legs stretched out in front of us, and the soles of our feet pressed together. She then proceeded to ask me to change her socks, and I did so. It was a funny request, but she rarely asks for anything, and I didn’t mind of course, she’s Mom. I woke up thinking, Wow, I actually saw her, and she SPOKE to me! I felt assure, but wanted to confirm what the symbol meant, the “socks”.
I looked it up, and the socks meant what my instincts told me they meant, “comfort”.

Her message made me feel confident, and relieved, and know why she asked me to do that. I shared me dream with a few people who are close to me, and they understood the significance. So, as the anniversary of her passing fast approached, the dream lingered in my subconscious. On that day, I knew what we all should be doing, but it’s going to take more than my words to do it.
I am so tired and emotionally depleted from trying to explain, why it’s so important that by any means necessary we do what should have been done ages ago.

On that day, August 30th, I was quiet as a mouse and incognito as usual. I felt silly and foolish, yet again, feeling absolutely alone and stranded with my desire to break the spell after almost a decade.

I thought to myself before posting a short dedication on my instagram, what type of child would I be, if this didn’t bother me??? For she was my mother, the only one I’ll ever have.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

Love and Respect,


~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

I Quit! My Quest for Closure…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 5 Comments

I just woke up from a weird dream, forgot where I was. It took me a few seconds to realize where I am, and what I dreamt. I was in my old house, the house I spent most of my life growing up in as a child. After mom passed, I would dream this house every so often, I haven’t dreamt the house in a while. In my dream the door bell continued to ring, and of course, I was the only one available to answer it. I was the only one in the house, and the energy was dark and off. There was also a large animal in the kitchen, but I haven’t looked up what that means yet. I ignored the animal in the dream, and now when I think about it, it could simply mean, “The elephant in the room” that others wouldn’t allow me to address.

I asked myself upon waking up, where is the house??? What happened to it??Where are we supposed to go??? The house is gone, it’s been gone for years. I know why I had that dream….I’m still on that quest for closure.

I remember a time I used to have more faith in people, in general. I didn’t expect the worst, I didn’t expect to be let down, or disappointed. I was younger and obviously more naive, but I wasn’t stupid. I was very aware that that the worst may happen, but I should hope for the best. I began to view people as a liability because of the behaviour and betrayal from the ones closest to me. I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs, but out of respect for them I chose not to go into detail. After mom’s passing and the aftermath that was handled very poorly, I felt I lost a piece of myself. Losing her didn’t bring this on, I was settled in my soul about her departure. The lack of comradery and fair team play in handling the messy stuff, the guilt ridden attacks on me, ripped my heart in half. I have not been the same since then. Many people have pointed this out to me as well.

Because my tears, my sadness wasn’t allowed to be displayed in front of certain people, I maintained my composure for years. Many have said I handled the situation with grace, but inside I was slowly crumbling.

Time is precious and there’s no price you can put on it. I confess I wasted so much time in my twenties, focusing on what and why certain “important” things were not being done. This year I vowed to completely let go.

While necessary arrangements are being made to deal with what still needs to be done, Re mommy’s ashes (which you’ve heard me speak on already) I finally give up on my quest for closure.

I throw the towel in, I’ve done enough, I’ve never felt so proud to say, I QUIT!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

On a Constant Quest for Closure…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

I remember seeing my father leave, and thinking he was coming back, expecting him to come back, since he always did. The time that he was gone seemed to go by fast, and when he returned, it was almost like he never left, until one day I realized that I hadn’t seen him for a long time…..It was longer than usual……But I didn’t ask my mother where he was…I never questioned where my dad was, why he was gone, or when he was coming back. I went about life as though he wasn’t even gone. I distinctly remembered the last words “I will get it for you…..” I had been asking for a my little pony for weeks, I wasn’t the type of child who constantly asked for toys, so he reassured me that he didn’t forget. I felt happy and excited in anticipation of my toy, then I fell asleep……

The next time I saw him was at a jail visit with my family. He looked funny behind the glass, as I saw him walk out in a strange blue two piece cotton suit with strange flat shoes….His hair looked……different. I had never seen my father look that way before…He looked like my father, but something was missing…I was confused. It was my turn to speak to him on that telephone cord thing, that I found to be an interesting, contraption…..I didn’t understand why I had to speak to him on it, and behind glass…..I noticed the officer man on the wall standing behind him. He was watching my father as he spoke to me. I found the whole experience awkward and unnatural, yet I was glad I was able to see him…..

As we were leaving the facility many thoughts were running through my mind….1. Why did I have to be “dressed up” to go in that place? 2. Why was the visit so short? 3. Why did we have to talk to him behind glass? 4. Why is this place so far away from the city? 5.  Why are there so many rocks on this road with no sidewalk??…..

My first visit to a prison was unforgettable. I was aware of what it was but there were so many whys that I was curious about, that needed to be answered…..My father was not a bad person, he never hurt me, so why was he there??? Why did he have to talk to me behind glass on a phone???…..

I wanted answers, but I didn’t feel the desire to ask my mother for some reason…..I felt as though this should have been explained to me, but my gut told me that there was a reason why my mother didn’t speak on it. I kept these questions to myself, I didn’t speak on them  with my siblings…..I just pondered…..

The events that lead up to that day weren’t erased from my mind, I knew bad things continued to happen, I was witness to them. I understood my dad had been in trouble with the law but I was a child, and my innocence was beginning to wear thin…..I wanted straight answers, but didn’t feel I had the right to ask about this new situation. It was  one of the experiences I’ve had that contributed to my deep rooted issue with closure.….There’s more to come…..Stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

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