different

I drank coffee tonight, I’m not a “coffee drinker” per se, but I went for a long walk, and for some reason I stopped off and grabbed a coffee…I have a lot on my mind lately and the coffee is keeping me up….

After I spoke to my father last night, I was sifting through everything he said to me…..There was so much information, so many memories that came back to me, so many questions that I finally had answers to. He was FINALLY staying on topic, addressing the issues, my complaints, my pain that I was expressing to him. I told him that I know there’s not much he can do to fix it, but I just wanted him to understand how tired I am from dealing with it alone. In my heart, I wanted him to say something, to speak up for me, defend me…..I wanted help, so I could complete the “unfinished business” that I intended on finally putting to rest years ago. My father started to open up in a way he hadn’t before and began to explain what he’s observed from afar. He told me that he’s noticed behaviour that he couldn’t understand…..He said that he knows what’s going on, although he isn’t here, his instincts are telling him. Then he surprised me by describing his relationship my other siblings, and that he’s made much effort, even more than he’s made with me to re-build what’s been broken…..He admitted his vices, and said he was hurt by the “hot and cold” treatment that he’s been receiving since mom’s passing…..He shared details of past events and family issues that I was aware of, but never fully understood the root of…..I was surprised at his candor, yet it was familiar, because he spoke open with me when I was a child, but now I am an adult. I was connecting with him on the pain we were experiences in dealing with trying to accomplish closure, while dealing with others anger.

What really got me, was hearing his take on his relationship and love for my mother. I’ve heard stories about them growing up together, the first time she saw him, their dating years, and some nice photos, but this was different…..I was hearing my father finally admit his guilt, his conscience weighing on him because of how he treated my mother. The fact that everyone knew she was an angel, and “too good” for him. I was touched…..I was speechless as I listened to him pour his heart out and confess…..

The next day he phoned me to Thank me for reaching out to him, yet again….I told him, “No problem Dad…..” I didn’t have much to say to that. I’ve been reaching out to him for years…..I learned so much about my father from that conversation, and it made me want to meet see him in person even more. I felt proud of myself for helping him open up and connect with me as an adult, a grown woman.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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I posted a blog on Father’s Day after having a brief conversation with my father. Since that day there has been a change, a shift in our relationship. I had another conversation with him since then, it was different than any other conversation we’ve had before. Because I haven’t seen him in person for so long, I try to express myself as much as I can, while taking him in and listening. It can be frustrating at times because he can not understand what it was like growing up because he was not there…..The whole time…Then he was gone for good. Letters and postcards, even “telegrams” were our connection. Phone calls can only go so far. I understand what it must be like for him to hear me say, “You don’t understand dad, you weren’t there to see…..” while trying to explain the extent to what’s been going on over here. I felt the need to share with him what HAS been going on over here lately…..I called him around 12:00am and apologized for calling so late, and he said, it’s okay, he expected a call. My father is intuitive by nature, and so am I. I tend to call him at the “right” times. I started telling him that the same fighting is starting back up again, the text message attacks, the uncouth behaviour, and craziness that never seems to end….After mom’s passing. I being the “odd man out” and choosing to go about my business, and stay as far away from it as possible have been targeted. I told him that I just want to get my closure and deal with the “unfinished business” and I can only take so much….. I WILL defend myself and I refuse to remain quiet. I’ve addressed the ROOT of the problem that has spiralled out of control and left me to fend for myself on family matters that I need and needed support to handle…..He told me to “stay strong” as he always has….I had to be honest with him…..I told him that I’m only human and there’s only so strong that I can be, there’s only so much one can take…..There was a long pause…..Then he finally began to open up, and what he said next was a BIG surprise to me…..It hit me, he is finally starting to GET it.

I just wanted to share that with you, I’ll continue in another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Dawn Lovely says………………

lessons&life

(Part 2) A Different Conversation…..

A Different Conversation with Dad…..