life

PT 3: Beyond the Curtains šŸ§µšŸŖ”šŸ’­šŸ˜“šŸ‘©šŸ½That Dreamā€¦

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment
Continuing from where I left off.. I am a piece of the puzzle that needs to be completed, just as I am a piece of both of them, therefore my effort is not in vain. I can at least do this for my Mother, for when she was alive, she did wish and desire this for us.

I thought this was a normal part of the grieving process, so I did not expect the struggle, battle, or to have any negativity attached, because she did NOT carry that energy when she was alive. She did not make life harder, or stressful for others in fact, she actually made life easier, therefore her example should be followed, so I thought, and this will preserve her legacy. I was deeply hurt, and disappointed that her graciousness, at the least, wasn’t reciprocated by the ones who received the most from her. I am still deeply hurt and disappointed, asking myself, How could it get to this point?? Why was it even allowed to get to this point?? Practically erasing her legacy, her hard work, dedication and effort, everything that she built, even the garden that she planted, fertilized, and nurtured to bring forth healthy vegetables and fruits.

I remember eating the tomatoes that grew from her garden, they were very delicious, and I could taste the difference compared to the grocery store tomatoes. I was impressed at how great they came out, considering her garden was so small with not the best quality soil, due to our seasons. She was always creating, bringing something useful, fruitful, out of whatever she had available, a trait of hers I observed as long as I can remember. After her passing, I made sure to uproot the small tomato vines from her garden, that were still thriving, to give to the relative, who cared to keep it growing.

There is so much that she provided us, as a blueprint to assist us with life, based upon the seeds she planted.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

PT 2: Beyond the CurtainsšŸ§µšŸŖ”šŸ’­šŸ˜“šŸ‘©šŸ½That Dream…

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

The message was not just for me, it was for all of us, so, I made sure to share it with my father, as I thought he needed to hear it. More so than me, and perhaps he will be able to decipher the meaning, even better than me. Since he has been reaching out to us on a consistent basis, which has shown me how dedicated he is to doing what he knows is best for Mom, who diligently worked trying to do her best for us. My dad relayed this to me, and I was happy to hear it, it gave me hope that we can and will, move forward collectively.

I decided last year, that I would do my best to try and understand these circumstances from his view. This has helped me forgive, and heal, to a certain degree. I strive to remain consistent, and empathetic to the pain and struggles that they went though, as getting older has helped me to put myself in their shoes as young parents. Although they were in their early twenties when they started to have us, they did what they knew was best at the time. It’s not easy to make these decisions with perfection without children, so I can understand they were both winging it, as I did (with much caution) in my early twenties. There were so many instances where I tried to make sense of what was going on with him, because his actions did NOT reflect that WE were his first priority. When I grew up and realized that I did not ever expect much from him, yet still trusted him when he was in my presence, then I would at least give him the chance to do what a father is supposed to do for their children.

I am a piece of the puzzle that needs to be completed, just as I am a piece of both of them, therefore my effort is not in vain. I can at least do this for my Mother, for when she was alive, she did wish and desire this for us.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Beyond the CurtainsšŸ§µšŸŖ”šŸ’­šŸ˜“šŸ‘©šŸ½That Dream…

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I felt comfort and peace, realizing within a few seconds, this is what’s been missing in my life. Her presence gifted me a feeling of hope, as though ANY and EVERY problem would be solved without struggle or strife. It wouldn’t take a decade to solve a challenge that could be solved in a day, nor would it take so much pain, caused by deliberate push back.

Her caring, productive energy, so forward-thinking…I felt she truly was trying to help us, such an uplifting and inspirational energy. She usually doesn’t speak to me in my dreams, not that she needs to, but I always understand and know exactly the message she is trying to bring to me. She was standing in front of me, holding up a set of lovely curtains that she made herself, I knew this automatically, because she was quite the seamstress when she was alive. Upholstering old pieces of furniture, making them look beautiful and classic, which always blew me away. This was a natural skill she had, that I did not inherit, but always respected and admired her for it, which I told her when she was in the flesh.

Behind her was an array of curtains, of many different, styles, patterns and colours, beautiful, and looked of quality. I thought, How did she do so much work, in such a short amount of time?? And why did I assume that she had less time? This is the thing about dreams, they can immediately make sense, or have you questioning, with logic, which you’re really not supposed to do, because dreams do not always walk straight…

My spirit told me that Mom was trying to show me something, and it was beyond the curtains, so when I awoke, I made note of the dream, and made note to tell my father the next time that we speak on the phone. This was a dream that had a message for ALL of us, and she deserves reciprocity for all that she did for us, with a clean heart. I will continue in my next post, Have good night and Good sleep!

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

My Quest For Closureā³šŸ™ļø šŸ’­ : Connecting The Dots šŸ¤”šŸ”

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I approached the corridors slowly opening them, to make sure that there wasn’t anybody behind them, possibly sitting or laying on the floor, I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t help but notice the homelessness displayed in a different way than I was accustomed to, on the drive up. It bothered my spirit, when I saw a glass bus shelter filled to the brim with a bunch of stuff, clothes, belongings, looking like a mini bachelor pad. I was taken aback, and saddened, as I pointed it out to my Aunt while she was driving. This was my first time time witnessing a fully occupied bus shelter, it looked unreal, and established, as though the city allowed it to be that way...

My eyes felt slightly heavy from not getting adequate sleep, as I continued to stress through the days and nights. I was walking, feeling as though I was semi floating, my feet felt lighter for some reason. I almost felt as though I was in a dream, what tends to happen when I end up in places, that are oh so familiar, yet a mystery. The energy and vibe of the place was sooo laid back, it felt like walking back in time, into simpler times, like the 90’s. The aroma was the first thing I first noticed, very familiar and pleasant and had a hint of sweet, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it...a lingering perfume or cologne, which was not overbearing. It reminded me of a popular scent from the 90’s, a vibe, familiar, a generic scent, that everyone was wearing back in the day, the ones that everyone would be wearing after free samples were handed out in the mall. I truly felt as though I was walking through the 90’s, it was so cool, yet so strange! lol At that moment, I definitely felt my age! I wished there was somebody with me, to ask if they recognized that throw back scent!

I made my way to the front desk, to ask for assistance as I was instructed to do, prior to my arrival, for security reasons. Guests are instructed to ask for security and take the elevator, or something of the sort, however they weren’t much help, so I continued on my own, making my way to what looked like the door to a stairwell. Yes, Bingo! I entered the stairwell, and it looked strangely familiar, the colour of the carpet, the feel beneath my feet, the texture WOW, it definitely had NOT been changed. It had an almost bouncy feel, like you could run or work out on it, looking as though it had not been changed, since the conception of this Centre. My feet quickly pranced along, and I found the door that I needed, I noticed the energy on the floor, was almost too calm, as though there had never been anybody on it. So quiet, slow-paced, laid back, helped to put me at ease, as I was not here, for leisure, I had an important, and urgent task to accomplish. The blessing in this task, brought me closer to my overall goal, and I did get a sense of closure after I left…I will continue in my next blog.

I stopped for a few seconds to take a quick pic of the stairwell, because it truly brought me back in time.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

Just Some ThoughtsšŸ¤”: How Did She Do It Alone? šŸ‘©šŸ½šŸšøšŸ™ļøšŸ‘¶šŸ½šŸš‰šŸš•šŸ’–

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

It was nice to take a different route, I love looking out of the window, seeing areas that I grew up, and haven’t seen in the longest time, until an important task or errand takes me out there. Bringing me a feeling of comfort, safety, curiosity, slight confusion, and beautiful nostalgia. I’ve felt at times as though I tripped back in time, and I’m trying to makes sense of where, what and how, I ended up in a particular place. I continue trying to piece together, pieces of my childhood that I feel as though are missing, or fragmented. I strive to figure out where they fit, like trying to complete a puzzle. I was telling my Auntie this, as we drove down the Gardiner Expressway, and I was taking in the the “Grass Art”, and the advertisement logos, that have been there from back in the day. I explained to her that every time I see them, I flash back to sitting in the back of a taxi cab, at night, gazing out of the window as cars speed by, capturing the night scene, the waterfront, the grass art, the vibe of the city. And, although, I do not know where we are going, I do not ask, and sit quiet with the rest in the back, fighting heavy eyelids, trying to stay awake, until we arrive at our destination, because waking up in an unknown place can be a tad traumatizing. Do you remember those days, as child? Falling asleep during a loooong car ride, and being woke up to a different place, space and time? As your Mom gently touches your shoulder, and rocks you to wake you up, your eyes slowly open and you felt as though you were sleeping for centuries, like a sleeping giant from from the children’s story book…

Moments and memories embedded in my soul, the city awakens in me, regardless of the occasion. We touched down many diverse spaces, due to circumstances that were beyond my control. I was innocent and not old enough to grasp the magnitude of how much we endured, along with Mom, alone, and how it must have been from Mom’s point of view. She modestly navigated areas of the city, diverse spaces, with us gathered around her, while she pushed a stroller with a small baby and a toddler, walking beside her, walking in front of her, holding her hand if she had one free to hold. Watching her carry bags, along with a baby bag, just to run a simple errand…Damn…It can be challenging doing it alone, car-less, on a tight budget, moving quickly through rush hour, on guard for personal safety, and terrible drivers! So, how did she do it everyday, all alone??

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

I Faded to Black, I’m Back PT 2 Blessed 2025 To Youā¤ļøšŸ™šŸ¼

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

First off, I hope that you had a productive 2024 as we’re blessed to have made it through!! As the end of the year approached, after my birthday passed in November, I was proud of myself for navigating the year without compromise. This included taking a necessary break from social media, and although I wasn’t posting, I remained plugged into mainstream media, and all of the sad news that affects my spirit. I try not to absorb all of the pain and suffering that I see, which has become more difficult to do, due to the homelessness that is spreading all over the city, around the least unexpected corner. It became another strange norm, that I never thought I would see in real life, as some of these folks that approached me, reminded me of vintage Hollywood, my absolute favourite film era. On one almost perfect weather summer afternoon, a well dressed, clean looking gentleman, wearing a pair of tan coloured tailored slacks, with a collard green sleeveless shirt, fit to size, ran across the street and calmly approached me. I noticed how neatly combed his hair was, which reminded me of a 1930’s paperboy. He looked as though he walked out of another time period, like a 1930’s novel character, who crossed over from another dimension. His attire was current, yet old and “retro” style, at the same time. He approached me, and politely asked for change, running from across the other side of the street, as though he had spotted me. His energy was peaceful, and innocent, as he calmly approached me as though he knew me. His energy was unexplainable, almost as though he was not human. His energy was clean from what I could read, and I really wanted to help him, feeling as though the others around would ignore him. I was walking towards the busy grocery store, hoping to be in-and-out, grabbing a few items. I let him know I would give him some change after I was finished in the store, real quick. He said okay, and once I exited the store, he was gone. So, I scoured the whole area, looking to see if he was lingering around, but he was gone. I felt weird inside, and thought to myself, Where the heck did that dude go?? I was very quick in the store, and I have a handful of change to give him. I confused, and more weird for some reason, and was not sure why. Maybe it was his attire and energy, he didn’t seem real…and I wish someone was with me, so they could’ve witnessed him. Would they have seen him the way I did? And would they have noticed his attire they way I did? And would they have question WHERE he came from? Because, the way this city has changed and the direction that it’s going is quite confusing, and the prevalent homelessness crisis, does not have a “face”, and there is no way to ignore it. What is going on with this city??!

Later that evening I went back out before it dark, walking in the opposite direction, and noticed on the sidewalk a trail of dimes and nickels, before I reached the stoplight. It was so strange that they were laid out literally as a trail, as though placed purposely. The side walk was empty, and I thought to myself before picking them up, why couldn’t that young man be the one to find these? If he were around, I would give these to him…that simple. Blessed New Year to you, Happy 2025:)

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

Follow me@:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

A Pound of Prevention…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Some people in my life have called meĀ an”old soul”, some have said I “overthink”…..I had to look up the word, “overthink” to confirm if it Ā is a real word, well it is lol, and I’m okay with that title, but at one point I took it very personal if I was told that…..I have acceptedĀ that I have a tendency to overthink, except now, I’ve reserved it for situations that it’s needed. I found a new love and appreciation for my “overthinking” because it’s helped me navigate through challenging situations and come out okay in the end.

I feel that many “sticky” situations in life could be prevented by simply thinking twice BEFORE you do what your first instinct is. But it wasn’t always that way. I had Ā to train myself to balance my logic&emotions, even in times where my emotions wanted to take over…..There’s been several occasions where a bad situation didn’t turn to worse because I didn’t allow it to…..

My overthinking has helped toĀ prevent altercations/fights from breaking out or continuing…..I didn’t get the last word when I felt I deserved to have it. I stood strong as a drunken verbal attack from a loved one almost provoked me to say words that I knew I could never take back once they left my lips…..I want you to know that in the angry moment, I felt overthinking was making me feel like a fool, because I actually wanted to go off of my first instinct, which was to defend myself without regarding the consequence. I am not perfect. The satisfaction I feel when I look back at how Ā a situation could’ve panned out had I notĀ thought it through, even for a five seconds, the consequences would’ve been worse to live with. Cutting my loses and using my brain, being the one to back down, are all encompassed in my “Pound of Prevention.” I give credit to the quote that inspired my blog title. Respect to Benjamin Franklin.

I always loved that saying…..I used to wonder how that saying could be missed by many. It makes so much sense to me…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, Follow button is at the bottom right of page šŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

 

The Value of Friendship, Continued…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I was in the midst of writing another blog, but something came up that I felt was necessary to share with you.Ā If you keep up with my blogs, then you probably read the blog where I spoke on very disturbing news from an old friend, who I’ve known for over fifteen years.Ā I received an unexpected phone call from him , I thought I’d never hear from him again.Ā The last time we spoke, I made it clear that I did not want to talk to this person again, due to the unhealthy pattern that was developing, me becoming angry and frustrated.

Well, in the time since that blog was posted, there hasn’t been any progress or change in the situation. I tried to be as supportive as I could and be an ear when he needed one, I also tried to encourage him to talk to his doctor, since Ā he told Ā me that the doctor asked him if he actually talks to anybody about his feelings…..The doctor informed him that stress and anger will have a toxic effect on his already worsening condition, so talking to somebody, getting his issues off of his chest is imperative to his health. He chose to share this information with me…..I didn’t ask him. He told Ā me that the medication he was taking was giving him side effects that he couldn’t handle. He said he didn’t want to be stuck “taking pills” forever…..I listened and understood where he was coming from, however, I didn’t know why he was telling me so many details about this…..I cared, but he wasn’t taking care of his health regardless of the medication. He was continuing to drink alcohol on a daily basis, which was the original reason why I stayed away from him, it put a strain on our friendship for years.Ā I couldn’t stand by and watch him slowly poison himself, so I asked him to please stop calling me because I had run out of things to say about this situation, I had run out of patience , pretending as though I wasn’t fed up, tired and slightly disgusted.

I came to the conclusion that my words were not as important to him as they were to me. I meant every word I said and every offer I gave to support was sincere.Ā The years I gave my attention, my concern, and my dedication to his issue had left me nearly speechless.

I would hope my friends would be be there for me if I was going through a severe health issue but I thought that a “real” friend was supposed to try to help prevent you from going down a dangerous path. A path that may lead you to an early death…..The previous hospital scare got to me, I thought about how I would’ve handled the news, had he not came out okay and passed away that night…..I was still dealing with the dysfunctional aftermath of my mother’s passing…..If I am a “real” friend, then shouldn’t loyalty be the be TOP priority??? That’s what I feel, that’s how I’ve always operated. Loyalty Ā is what makes a friend an actual friend. Without that component, your friend may as well be called an “acquaintance” who you happen to spend time with. I’m learning and coming to the sad reality that the value of friendship, the definition to me is different than how most define it. I feel it’s sacred to be able to maintain a friendship for years and years, and be able to help each other PROGRESS in life. I do not feel it is okay to be a quiet spectator in watching a person slowly destroy them self. How can I be loyal to you, if I Ā help Ā to enable you to hurt yourself. I can’t just sit on the phone and chat away to help you pass the time away as you push yourself into passing away…..That rhymed by accident, lol, but I meant every word of it, and that sums up what I told him.Ā There’s more I’d like to say Ā on this topic, but I will save it for another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, Follow button is at the bottom right of page šŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a Constant Quest for Closure…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

I remember seeing my father leave, and thinking he was coming back, expecting him to come back, since he always did. The time that he was gone seemed to go by fast, and when he returned, it was almost like he never left, until one day I realized that I hadn’t seen him for a long time…..It was longer than usual……But I didn’t ask my mother where he was…I neverĀ questioned where my dad was, why he was gone, or when he was coming back. I went about life as though he wasn’t even gone. I distinctly remembered the lastĀ wordsĀ “I will get it for you…..” I had been asking for a my little pony for weeks, I wasn’t the type of child who constantly asked for toys, so he reassured me that he didn’t forget. I felt happy and excited in anticipation of my toy, then I fell asleep……

The next time I saw him was at a jail visit with my family. He looked funny behind the glass, as I saw him walk out in a strange blue two piece cotton suit with strange flat shoes….His hair looked……different. I had never seen my father look that way before…He looked like my father, but something was missing…I was confused.Ā It was my turn to speak to him on that telephone cord thing, that I found to be an interesting, contraption…..I didn’t understand why I had to speak to him on it, and behind glass…..I noticed the officer man on the wall standing behind him. He was watching my father as he spoke to me. I found the whole experience awkward and unnatural, yet I was glad I was able to see him…..

As we were leaving the facility many thoughts were running through my mind….1. Why did I have to be “dressed up” to go in that place? 2. Why was the visit so short? 3. Why did we have to talk to him behind glass? 4. Why is this place so far away from the city? 5. Ā Why are there so many rocks on this road with no sidewalk??…..

My first visit to a prison was unforgettable. I was aware of what it was but there were so many whys that I was curious about, that needed to be answered…..My father was not a bad person, he never hurt me, so why was heĀ there??? Why did he have to talk to me behind glass on a phone???…..

I wanted answers, but I didn’t feel the desire to ask my mother for some reason…..I felt as though this should have been explained to me, but my gut told me that there was a reason why my mother didn’t speak on it. I kept these questions to myself, I didn’t speak on them Ā with my siblings…..I just pondered…..

The events that lead up to that day weren’t erased from my mind, I knew bad things continued to happen, I was witness to them. I understood my dad had been in trouble with the law but I was a child, and my innocence was beginning to wear thin…..I wanted straight answers, but didn’t feel I had the right to ask about this new situation. It was Ā one of the experiences I’ve had that contributed to my deep rooted issue with closure.….There’s more to come…..Stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, Follow button is at the bottom right of page šŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

What’s in an Apology? Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I was pleasantly surprised at an apology that I received the other day from my friend. Something was said to me weeks ago that offended me and slightly hurt my feelings.Ā The apology came at the right time, Ā and it reinforced our friendship. I was not expecting that apology at that point in time, and it reminded me of why we are friends.Ā We’ve had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years yet have always managed to maintain our friendship and talk openly about our difference of opinion. The debates we have often end up in heated arguments.Ā It could be our because our zodiac signs clash, or we’re both stubborn and head strong.Ā I have apologized in the past for any words/actions that I have done, as soon as I realize what I have said or done has been insulting. I doĀ not allow my ego to get in the way of apologizing even when I know I was not all the way wrong…..

I have always found an apology to be a strange concept because, just because you apologize, doesn’t mean your sorry, and just because you don’t apologize doesn’t mean you’re NOT sorry. People apologize for the smallest things because Ā it’s just “polite” to do so. Being from Canada, I hear apologies on a daily basis from complete strangers. A person will apologize for simply brushing you lightly when walking by, or stepping in your way by accident, or not seeing you coming and closing the door on you instead of doing the normal 1o second hold…I love that about Canada…by the way…..

One of my favourite songs of all time is “I Apologize” by Anita Baker. The melodic sound and the lyrics touched me in my pre-teens. It sent an example by saying, “I knew I was wrong……” I KNEW I was WRONG. Admitting you are wrong is the most important part of an apology, simply acknowledging it and allowing those words to flow out of your mouth, can repair or revive a broken or damaged relationship. It can also strengthen a relationship as well. I remember taking in an apology from my ex-boyfriend from high school. We were all grown up when he apologized for something he did in his teens. I gave him the opportunity to apologize by meeting up with him at his request. After we talked, and he made his apology, I saw how much it meant to him to have me accept his apology. I grew a little inside that day, it helped me mature into real Adulthood.

I have lowered my expectations as I’ve grown older as to how and when I’ll accept an apology. The gesture itself holds more merit these days since “bad manners” Ā seem to be in style.Ā An apology that is insincere from a person who has difficulty apologizing Ā means more than the actual words coming out of their mouth. I give them an A for effort :), however I will not put myself around anyone who refuses to acknowledge that an apology is necessary to open up the doors of healthy communication…..

I will get more into apologies in Part 2 of this blog. Take care Until then šŸ™‚

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, Follow button is at the bottom right of page šŸ™‚