On a Constant Quest for Closure…..

I remember seeing my father leave, and thinking he was coming back, expecting him to come back, since he always did. The time that he was gone seemed to go by fast, and when he returned, it was almost like he never left, until one day I realized that I hadn’t seen him for a long time…..It was longer than usual……But I didn’t ask my mother where he was…I never questioned where my dad was, why he was gone, or when he was coming back. I went about life as though he wasn’t even gone. I distinctly remembered the last words “I will get it for you…..” I had been asking for a my little pony for weeks, I wasn’t the type of child who constantly asked for toys, so he reassured me that he didn’t forget. I felt happy and excited in anticipation of my toy, then I fell asleep……

The next time I saw him was at a jail visit with my family. He looked funny behind the glass, as I saw him walk out in a strange blue two piece cotton suit with strange flat shoes….His hair looked……different. I had never seen my father look that way before…He looked like my father, but something was missing…I was confused. It was my turn to speak to him on that telephone cord thing, that I found to be an interesting, contraption…..I didn’t understand why I had to speak to him on it, and behind glass…..I noticed the officer man on the wall standing behind him. He was watching my father as he spoke to me. I found the whole experience awkward and unnatural, yet I was glad I was able to see him…..

As we were leaving the facility many thoughts were running through my mind….1. Why did I have to be “dressed up” to go in that place? 2. Why was the visit so short? 3. Why did we have to talk to him behind glass? 4. Why is this place so far away from the city? 5.  Why are there so many rocks on this road with no sidewalk??…..

My first visit to a prison was unforgettable. I was aware of what it was but there were so many whys that I was curious about, that needed to be answered…..My father was not a bad person, he never hurt me, so why was he there??? Why did he have to talk to me behind glass on a phone???…..

I wanted answers, but I didn’t feel the desire to ask my mother for some reason…..I felt as though this should have been explained to me, but my gut told me that there was a reason why my mother didn’t speak on it. I kept these questions to myself, I didn’t speak on them  with my siblings…..I just pondered…..

The events that lead up to that day weren’t erased from my mind, I knew bad things continued to happen, I was witness to them. I understood my dad had been in trouble with the law but I was a child, and my innocence was beginning to wear thin…..I wanted straight answers, but didn’t feel I had the right to ask about this new situation. It was  one of the experiences I’ve had that contributed to my deep rooted issue with closure.….There’s more to come…..Stay tuned.


~Dawn Lovely

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