life

Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s death…….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Last month August 30th, marked the four year anniversary of the passing of my mother. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm two days after her birthday. There were issues with her overall health over the years that lead up to her untimely death, she suffered with immense amounts of stress being a single parent to the six children she had with my father. The last time I spoke to her, I could sense she was very tired, and my intuition told me prepare for the worst but you can  never fully prepare for losing a loved one. Every year as soon as August hits, a feeling comes over me that I have difficulty acknowledging…..It’s not that I don’t have closure with her passing,  it’s the memories of how my closure came about that still haunt me.025

I have the  tendency to “intellectualize” my feelings when it comes to death, partly because I haven’t had much experience dealing with death in my life, it wasn’t discussed in my household growing up. I had never even been to a “Wake” before or even a funeral, believe it or not. I always wondered how people were able to cope with the death of a loved one, especially a relative or a parent. I’ve heard stories from friends about family members “acting out,” or acting “crazy,” and drama ensuing for years after a relative’s death. I tried to imagine what it would be like to deal with, but I just couldn’t picture it happening in my life.

The news of my mother’s death was painful to hear, but a light bulb went on in my head,  it’s hard to explain in words. My focus became doing right by her and putting my emotions second, even if that meant taking blows for not  “going along” with my siblings. I knew standing on my own would have consequences. Since I’ve always been the “quiet one,” my speaking up had already caused some friction among us, which overlapped this tragic situation.

While at the scene on that day,  looking at the house I grew up in, police and ambulance workers scattered about, my siblings all different, some angry, some crying, some ignoring me as I attempted to calm them down,  I knew I had to keep it together. I accepted the fact that the only control I had, was the  control I have over my emotions. I had to exercise all the lessons, the logic  my mother taught me  since she was not around to speak for herself. I felt my main priority was to represent for her, and do what was best for her, and her loved ones that knew her before I did.

I chose to cry at home and let out all my pain and frustration in private. This angered some of my siblings because  they felt I should be with them. They lashed out at me and questioned why I did this, which was very draining to me, this was the most challenging and difficult part of my grieving. I felt as though I was at war.

My mother’s death for me, was about protecting her legacy, and representing her the best way I could. I called  all of  her siblings and spoke to them, because I knew they were distraught and I wanted to remind them not to worry, as mom wouldn’t want them to, that was just her way. One of my aunts told me I helped her feel better, and that made me feel great.  At the Wake, I looked after all the guests and  I tried to uplift the people who were very sad. Some people that I hadn’t seen in ages were crying so hard, I felt bad for them! I listened to their stories about my mother and I realized how much of a positive effect my mom had on everybody she met.

After the funeral, I was ready to deal with the aftermath, the organizing of her belongings, the paperwork, etc. I had no problem working with my siblings as I’ve always been co-operative and easy going when it comes to team work, but some of them would not allow me to lead, which was disappointing. I wanted to lead by example and make things easier for all of us. I went ahead and did some tasks alone, or with my youngest auntie, Auntie G, who’s always been supportive of me, and now our bond is even stronger.

Unfortunately, there is still unfinished business regarding mom’s passing,  and my relationships with my siblings will never be the same, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, mom deserved it.

R.I.P. MOMMY.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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This is personal: Forgiveness and my Father……

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So “Father’s Day”  just passed, and since my father lives in Jamaica, I called him long distance to say, “Happy Father’s Day,” but unfortunately his phone was out of the service area. Maybe he was travelling to his other home land, Cuba, as my father is of both Jamaican/Cuban descent. My father and I have always maintained contact no matter where he is. I tried my best to reach him, I even called in the evening time, I wanted to make sure he heard my voice, and knew that I acknowledged him and appreciate him being my father. To be honest,  yesterday was my first time in my life I actually called my father for “Father’s Day.”

When I was a child, my father was in and out of my life. There were times he’d be gone for long periods and there was never an explanation given by my mother.  I grew accustomed to it, along with my five siblings. My mother did not speak a bad word about my father, ever, nothing was ever said, but I observed and witnessed many things that helped me understand that even though he loved me, we were not his first priority. I was unable to express my feelings to my father when he was around,  I was very young and also shy, but I was attentive to his words and actions. I always remembered the lessons he taught me, and applied them to my life. Every single time he took me aside and spoke to me about anything, I remembered the moral of the story. I took his words to heart&soul, and knew he was telling me for a reason, to help shape my moral code and inner strength. He even told me about his downfalls, pain and weaknesses, and told me NOT to be like him, because I was “strong.”

Dad made a lot of mistakes, got caught up with the law on numerous occasions which eventually landed him in prison for years. After his prison sentence was over, he was deported back to Jamaica. There were numerous events that lead up to this, and of course, we were affected the most by it in drastic ways, but I will share those stories in another blog.

After mom passed away in 2011, I knew my father was deeply hurt. He and my mother knew each other since they were children. It is said that my parents were “soul mates,” and they had a friendship that was never marred by the ups&downs  in their relationship. I admired my mother for being able to forgive my father and maintain a civil relationship with him. My mother lead by example, and taught me that I can communicate with my father even if he doesn’t always give me what I expect in return. She encouraged me to have a relationship with my father regardless of the circumstances, so after she died, I made a point of telling my father that he should focus on changing and forgiving himself for his mistakes, so he can move forward in his life and heal. He thanked me when I said this to him, and told me I helped him feel “better.” I told him, “Dad, when I was little I ALWAYS listened to you, your advice, your lessons…..and now I just want you to listen to me.” I  am proud of myself for having an affect on my father that will help him in life. He is more open and comfortable talking with me, as an adult.  I am planning to travel to see him for the first time in person in 26 years, and he is waiting patiently for my arrival. He’s excited to show me more about my other side, my Cuban heritage, and I’m excited too.

Forgiving my father has helped me grow as a woman and I recommend if your father is available, and receptive to you, have a conversation with him. You never know how much it will mean to him. But even if he doesn’t change, it will change YOU…..for the better.

Love&Respect, ~Dawn Lovely    Follow me @ : https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, click on Follow button.

Accountability: It’s not you……It’s Me!

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“It’s not you……..It’s Me…,” I’m sure you’ve heard this popular “break up” line that people use when they want to end a relationship without hurting the other person’s feelings. By telling someone, “It’s not you, It’s me,” you’re pretty much saying that you’re taking full responsibility or blame for the reason of the break up, thus preventing the other person from having “hurt” feelings…..But, I’m going to take this line and apply it to life in  a different way….

When I say, “It’s not you, It’s Me,” I mean being accountable for ones own actions in life, simply allowing yourself  to be accountable and looking at what “You” do first, before paying attention to what another is or isn’t doing. I feel accountability is a concept that many adults have trouble grasping, or have not grasped at all, and I say this because if we did the world would have less problems and life would be easier in general. I’ve been put to the test many times, curve balls thrown my way and I’m getting better at not pointing the finger, even in my mind lol, when a confrontation or disagreement, or misunderstanding arises. This is not easy to do at all, but it’s helped calm me inside when I become frustrated at someone for not  behaving they way I feel they are supposed to. By not lashing out, name calling, playing the blame game, I maintain my dignity, and give myself more time to think about my reaction before and after, and  what  I would’ve done differently to prevent the situation from going “there”……..

I remember once as a child, my mother sat me in the corner, and I hated it! I would’ve preferred the other usual forms of punishment because sitting in the corner forces you to have to think about what YOU did, your actions, even if there was another involved in the reason that put you there in the first place!

So, instead of focusing on what “their” not doing, I will concentrate on what I’m supposed to be doing because, I’m the one who has to live with myself regardless of another’s actions. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing the bad behaviour of another, but at the end of the day, people do what they choose to……….So what are you going to do?

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ : https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

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It’s a New Day! Happy Birthday!

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

Happy Birthday, if it’s your birthday today :), But if today is just another day for you, the words I’m about to say may help you make the most of your day, even though it’s not your Birthday.

Have you ever had a day where a person in your daily life wronged you in some way that caused you to feel they “ruined” your day? Or things are just not going the way you’d like them to go, and it starts to put a “damper” on your mood&ruin your day? Well of course you have! I know I have….It could be your sister, brother, significant other, boss, the bus driver, a store clerk, or even a stranger who cuts you off while your driving in traffic! Oh you go the whole day telling everyone&anyone that common phrase, “I’m having a BAD day.”

Now, I have been guilty of saying that phrase in the past, however, as I’ve grown and matured as a woman into my 30’s, I’ve learned that “BAD” days are not as “BAD” as we sometimes  make them out to be. A “BAD” day is usually a few occurrences that happened in the day that you didn’t expect to happen, and you had to get through them to complete your day, which actually is “LIFE.”

So when I have a “BAD” day, I remind myself that I’m still alive& kicking and I am surviving the “BAD” day so I’ll be able to move on to the NEXT day, which will most likely be better than that”BAD” day I had yesterday lol….It’s not about being  “Optimistic” but REALISTIC 😉 If you practice this way of thinking everyday, then you will feel like everyday is your Birthday, you’ll appreciate and make the most of your day, EVERYDAY!

Much Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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