Daddy issues

Just Some Thoughts 🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 4👨🏽🤷🏾‍♀️💔❔…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Continuing from where I left off… I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled.

We continued with the the topic of emotional support, we try to be emotionally supportive, regardless of the circumstance, but that is NOT a child’s responsibility. We feel responsible for their emotions, while ignoring and repressing our own. “This is why I’ve allowed so much bull**** to fly in my relationships!”, she began to explain. The pain and frustration in her voice was painful to hear. She expressed her regrets for giving the wrong people so many chances. She said she felt guilt, and that she may have unintentionally set a bad example for her children. She told me that she felt ashamed of herself for the nonsense she’s normalized. The passes she gave to people who did NOT deserve it. She said WE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE! and I agreed. Your first example of what a man should look and act like, is your FATHER, Whether you realize it or not. I say this in the case that you have one, and/or remember the times he was around. I remember the first time I heard that a long time ago, from a talk show something.

I’m embarrassed to say that I used to expect inconsistent behaviour from men. Not necessarily “bad” or “good” behaviour, just inconsistent. I’ll get more into that in another blog.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~ Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔 : The Daddy Issue Part 3 🤷🏾‍♀️💔❔👨🏽….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

A flood of texts from my bestie cousin, lead to an interesting back and forth about Fathers, and parenting. We hadn’t touched base in weeks, I was wondering how she was doing, and her messages caught me off guard. She explained a situation going on with her father with a slew of audios and texts, she was extremely upset and stressed. I was taken aback and empathized, as she told me how sad she felt. She sounded broken, more hurt than ever before, and I was moved more than ever before. We’ve always discussed this topic, regarding Father’s, and how to deal with and understand their sometimes odd behaviour. I’m trying to use the appropriate word to best describe their behaviour, and I’m having trouble pinning it…It can be random, unnecessary, difficult to dissect, and disruptive.

I was almost not going to respond, feeling I had no place to speak on it. I haven’t had a father around since I was a small child, and inconsistent at that. There are situations that I haven’t had to be in, situations that I have zero experience dealing with…Who am I to say anything??

For the longest time, I’ve thought about the fact that we feel as though we have to support them, and by support, I mean emotionally. That is not normal. We only think it is, because we’ve been conditioned by our upbringing. We witness our mother’s quietly “keep the peace”, we don’t quite understand why they aren’t speaking up, or “defending” themselves. At a younger age, we see our mother’s be passive, about things that WE even know should be addressed, or should be checked. Too young to comprehend the complex nature of adult relationships or marriage. There are convos had behind close doors, things not shown in front of children. Simply observing, confusion contradictions, seeping into our hearts, our subconscious mind, leaving a permanent impression.

I called her, and she proceeded to explain her disappointment, stating how a father “should” behave, I couldn’t help but ask her if it’s okay to interrupt. I said, “To You, him acting up and not acting normal is considered NOT acting like a father, and to me, three square meals and a hug is a good enough!” We both chuckled….To be continued.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts🤔: The Daddy Issue Part 2 💔 🤷🏾‍♀️👨🏽❔……

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Sorry for the delay, and for the “dabby” typo in my last post! I’m usually up writing at wee hours in the morning and that one SLIPPED me:/! I really meant daddy…Continuing from where I left off….It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I understand that a Daddy issue, can be any issue, or even expectation, good or bad that a woman may have tied to her relationship with her father. The angle I’m taking is slightly different than the Daddy Issue term that gets thrown around. Based upon my life experience thus far, I realized how much mixed messages I received and took on. So many of daddy’s issues I felt responsible for, ones he shared with me, thus aging my mind and soul. I always felt as though I was five going on fifty, understanding an adult’s issues oh too well, feeling as though I was the gatekeeper for his secrets and flaws. I truly felt responsible for his pain, and I never really knew why. All I knew is that, I believed his every word, trusted and adhered to his instructions on what not to do, the bad things that he said he did that destroyed him inside. I listened as though I was a university student at a lecture. He wasn’t around all the time, so I figured this was important to him, I’d better listen! I showed him the respect that he deserved, yet with a child’s mind thinking, CAN I GO PLAY NOW??? Lol

I’ll continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Just Some Thoughts 🤔: The Daddy Issue PT 1….👨🏽❔💔 🤷🏾‍♀️

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Daddy issue? I never thought there was one, I never thought I had one. I trusted my father as a child, he was around enough for me to be familiar with him. He lived in our house, married to my mom. He was in no way a foreign figure to me. The lessons he taught me, I have shared in previous blogs. I’ll never forget when I was five or six, he got me ready for picture day. Mom wasn’t able to that morning, and I remember feeling a little worried lol because I wasn’t sure he could do it. It was the one and only time, and he did an amazing job. He combed my long hair into pig tails that he did a good job braiding. He even parted my hair well. The outfit he chose was quite stylish, a white collared shirt with a cute black vest. As girly as I was, it was a refreshing change from the usual “flowery”, dresses, or patterned outfits. If you’re an 80’s baby, you’ll know what I mean. That pic, and that picture day was one of my favourite, and I remember the photographer saying, “Great SMILE! Good job!”. I only needed one take. My father made that an extra special day, a memory I will always cherish. The few times I’ve mentioned these type of memories to him, on a long distance call, there’s an awkward silence…..On his part, although he does mumble a few nice words, showing me that he appreciates me acknowledging his role in my life. How do I know what he means, by that response? I know because our connection, I understand him on a different level. Time and distance didn’t change that, and I tried to hold on to it, for dear life. I tried to appreciate it and keep it going, regardless of the circumstances.

I never had a daddy issue, well not that I know of, and I never thought about or questioned his role in my life. I never cried to my mother asking where he was, when he was gone for long periods. None of us did. It was common knowledge that he chose to be away, and would return on his own accord. We were young and innocent but understood this, children can feel it. You observe your surroundings, you watch and listen, and eventually draw your own conclusion.

Never did I think an issue with trust and security would later arise in my life, and without therapy, I would have the know to directly correlate it with a “Daddy issue”. I thought a Daddy issue meant, to have a direct issue with your father, a problem that you can name, that’s had a negative impact on your relationship…..So what if you don’t, but are simply trying to make sense of and understand HIS issues?!

It’s not easy explaining this, as simple as it should be, it’s quite complex and confusing. I will continue in my next post.

Take Care, Stay safe, and Stay tuned.

~Dawn Lovely

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Daddy& Expectations(Continued)…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

What did I expect??? Have I set the bar too high???, Why is this even bothering me?? I thought I was passed this, I know how he can be…..What is going on here???

I was disappointed in myself for expecting so much out of him, even though this wasn’t much to expect. It was what I had grown accustomed to, and that was embarrassing to me. I was ashamed and embarrassed, almost felt like a child. The feeling didn’t last for long though. Within seconds I decided that I wouldn’t even warrant his message with a response, a response was not needed. I received my answer and this marked a new chapter in our relationship, and in my life. I understood so much more who he really is, and that he is much more broken than I knew. My natural intuition did not pick up on this, because I was still getting to know the “older” version of him and from a distance. The checking in texts and short phone calls could only go so far, and to top it off, I am one of six. My efforts at times are over-shadowed by whatever’s going on with them. It seems we are going backwards, and the more he punishes himself, the further he’s pushing me away. I don’t think he’s aware of it. Very sad, and is a waste of time, because we had come so far, so I thought…

The expectations I have in life, especially with men in relationships, and even friends and family, have been influenced heavily by my expectations of my father. I’m still checking myself on it. I am aware that I hope for the best, yet subconsciously expect whatever to happen, which is not cool. This situation was significant, because it reminded me that I can not expect others to grow as fast as I expect, regardless of how much I do on my part….

There’s more to share, but I gotta go to bed now, stay tuned for my next blog. Have a Good Night 🙂

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Daddy & Expectations…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. I felt foolish and stupid as I sat at my cubicle staring at my phone, trying to make sense of his response…..I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t hurt, I was just embarrased. It was Nov 20th and I was at work taking calls, but I didn’t forget that it was his birthday, and I wanted him to know that I didn’t forget. My expectations of him, come from what he’s always done. He always sent a letter, post card, tele-gram or called, even when he was in prison. So, our long distance relationship since I was seven years old, was partially built on these little birthday messages. It has been one of the only consistent things he’s ever done.

I actually went to work like a regular day on my birthday, I didn’t feel the need to celebrate, but I did acknowledge that I was a year older. I was happy that I was able to video chat with one of my dear friends, who has a very busy schedule. I was happy for the people who took the time to greet me. Upon returning home, my fam gave me gift bag full of goodies, and a sincere birthday card which made me smile. I felt blessed to have made it through another year in one piece.

Before I got up from by chair I thought, Damn, even an emoji would’ve sufficed….Why are YOU so uncomfortable with me??? Texting something is more difficult than what I’ve endured??? Considering the tumultuous childhood I had due YOUR decisions, considering I made it through to this age without turning into something that would’ve been considered a “disappointment”, considering the way in which I arrived to this earth plane, a story you’ve told ME a thousand times. “I’m a miracle and wasn’t supposed to make it”, (I’ll save that story for another blog.) Sending me a message was something you decided NOT to do???

I felt overwhelmed with annoyance, so I abruptly pulled off my headphones, put my computer on “short break”, and scurried off to the stairwell for privacy. I pressed the record button and started speaking from my soul….

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. After sitting back at my desk, thoughts spun in my mind….What did I expect??? Have I set the bar too high???, Why is this even bothering me?? I thought I was passed this, I know how he can be…..What is going on here???

I’ll continue in my next blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @:https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely, https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W