Daddy & Expectations…..

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. I felt foolish and stupid as I sat at my cubicle staring at my phone, trying to make sense of his response…..I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t hurt, I was just embarrased. It was Nov 20th and I was at work taking calls, but I didn’t forget that it was his birthday, and I wanted him to know that I didn’t forget. My expectations of him, come from what he’s always done. He always sent a letter, post card, tele-gram or called, even when he was in prison. So, our long distance relationship since I was seven years old, was partially built on these little birthday messages. It has been one of the only consistent things he’s ever done.

I actually went to work like a regular day on my birthday, I didn’t feel the need to celebrate, but I did acknowledge that I was a year older. I was happy that I was able to video chat with one of my dear friends, who has a very busy schedule. I was happy for the people who took the time to greet me. Upon returning home, my fam gave me gift bag full of goodies, and a sincere birthday card which made me smile. I felt blessed to have made it through another year in one piece.

Before I got up from by chair I thought, Damn, even an emoji would’ve sufficed….Why are YOU so uncomfortable with me??? Texting something is more difficult than what I’ve endured??? Considering the tumultuous childhood I had due YOUR decisions, considering I made it through to this age without turning into something that would’ve been considered a “disappointment”, considering the way in which I arrived to this earth plane, a story you’ve told ME a thousand times. “I’m a miracle and wasn’t supposed to make it”, (I’ll save that story for another blog.) Sending me a message was something you decided NOT to do???

I felt overwhelmed with annoyance, so I abruptly pulled off my headphones, put my computer on “short break”, and scurried off to the stairwell for privacy. I pressed the record button and started speaking from my soul….

In twenty-one seconds, I told him exactly how I felt about him not openly acknowledging my birthday, to ME. After sitting back at my desk, thoughts spun in my mind….What did I expect??? Have I set the bar too high???, Why is this even bothering me?? I thought I was passed this, I know how he can be…..What is going on here???

I’ll continue in my next blog.


~Dawn Lovely

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