dawnlovely

Adult Growing Pains…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I remember growing pains as a child…..My legs feeling sore, aching, uncomfortable…..It was an  awkward type of pain that was new. I’d go to Mom and tell her that my legs are hurting again…she’d say, “Oh don’t worry, hush, you’re just having “growing pains”…..”

Growing pains felt like they’d never end. I used to lay in bed and try to fall asleep just to not have to deal with them. The only comfort I could give myself was knowing that I’m actually GROWING, so I’d be a little taller…..eventually. I’d feel better by the next day, I wondered if I  actually did grow, and sometimes even checked to see if there were results. Of course, I couldn’t see the results but I was relieved that the pain was over, and hoped it would be a long time before I had to feel them again.

Adults don’t have to deal with growing pains, not physical ones at least. But growing spiritually, facing yourself, truly acknowledging what needs to change in your life, can be as uncomfortable and awkward as growing pains. The pain can hit you out of the blue, and it may come up waaaay after an experience that you thought you was over…..

I had to make a difficult decision that was heart wrenching the other day. I didn’t attend a “family meeting” that the whole family was expected to attend. I’ve attended family meetings in the past, but this case was different…..I was concerned I would look as though I didn’t care, when I actually care a lot…I’ve cared too much actually. I knew  not attending would be the best, healthiest choice at this point yet I still wrestled with my heart, gut, logic to come to a decision that I’d be at peace with. I felt guilty that I felt this way…..

I am very loyal to my family and extended family. I’ve made myself available to them whenever for whatever they need but I could not bring myself to fall victim once again to the same pattern that’s been  repeating like a horrible deja vu. This has been going on for years since the untimely deaths of my uncle and mother, there’s been a disconnect that the family has suffered for almost a decade. I’ve watched as it’s slowly eroded the basic ability to interact and communicate within the family. One of my biggest fears was this becoming the norm so when I realized that I was starting to close myself off, and “hide in my shell” I began to practice doing the opposite. This helped me a lot after mom passed away. As the years went by it was easier for me to make a simple phone call to a relative that I rarely see. I became even more sensitive to the needs of others, and what would help them feel better, but I became sort of numb to how I truly felt about what was going on. My grieving/mourning was  interrupted and I didn’t even realize the damage it was doing to me….Until a year or two later…..

So, I decided the other day to not attend a family meeting because I felt as though there is not enough effort being put out by others to promote proper basic communication, and until I see a change, I will stay to myself. If anybody needs me, I have the same phone number, and they are welcome to give me a call, any time…..

I’ve grown as person because of this, however it’s very painful to go through and there is nothing I can do to prevent this pain…..

The pain  comes along with the territory of growing, maturing into Adulthood and it will return……I’m okay with that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Sounding Off on Advice…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Imagine if good advice came at a cost…..Have you ever received the best advice of your life and it paid off in ways that you couldn’t imagine? If a person provides you with advice that pays off, then shouldn’t that person deserve to be paid too? I’m kidding, but the other day I was thinking about the value of good, sound advice…..

I’ve taken advice from people from all walks of life, and the ones who were the least like me, happened to give the best lessons. I’m sure you have “that” friend who makes the worst decisions, but gives the best advice. I’ve asked, “Why did you do that though? You know better…..” their response, “I don’t want to see YOU go through it….” reminding  me of a protective parent, I’d be a fool not to listen.

I consider the offering of sound advice a selfless gesture because the giver doesn’t know how you’ll take it, you may become defensive or feel offended, it’s a risk. I myself, have been on the receiving end of a friend/relative who took my advice as a “slap in the face” instead of a lesson to learn. I assume they were thinking, “What does she know, she has it easy……” but the truth is, I don’t have it any easier than they do. I’ve found acquaintances and strangers have been more receptive to my advice than a person who knows me. We trust people who don’t know us not to lead us astray, because we don’t know them enough to judge them as harsh for saying what we don’t want to hear.

The other night I was having a conversation with someone who comes from a completely different background than mine. I respect and admire this person, so when they addressed a bad habit that I have and began to mirror it back to me, I felt a tad embarrassed. My ego took a hit but I listened with discernment, as advice ensued…..

The next morning I woke up feeling brand new, not only did I get to the root of the problem behind the flaw, but I forgave myself for having it. (I’m still working on not being hard on myself…..) I decided to let that person know that their advice helped me, and how it helped me. They humbly accepted my thanks, as I did their advice.

In my opinion, the mark of a mature adult is the ability to accept and apply sound advice to your life. You’ll know the “sound” of sound advice when you hear it :).

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Role Models & Responsibility…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

When I was younger, I used to rummage through my oldest sister’s belongings when she was out. My intentions were not bad, I was just curious about what she was up to, and what was considered important in her world. I used to religiously take her notebooks and textbooks, flip to the back pages, write, doodle, and make my mark. I don’t know why I did it, I meant no harm. I guess it was my way of trying to be a part of her world. I would look at the latest posters she put up on her wall, the books and magazines that she was reading, her “Things I want to get” list, and I would borrow her Hip Hop cassette tapes……She was extremely annoyed when she came home to a room that had been tampered with, and she would let it be known by scolding me. It didn’t phase me because I admired and looked up to my big sister…..

As I grew older I began to notice my sister’s flaws and behaviour that I did not agree with. I expected “better” out of her, and I found myself often disappointed. Whenever we got into an argument, I would question her as to why she acted the way she did. Why she said and did mean and hurtful things to me when she was angry. I remember asking her, “Why don’t you EVER apologize?!!,” and she would never respond. Not a word. This bothered and upset me deeply for years. I was frustrated at the fact that she never took accountability for her actions. This was not her fault though, I put her on a pedestal, she couldn’t possibly live up to my expectations. Her character was her character, and her flaws were a part of her character.

When I hit my “adult” years I began to learn that my sister’s behaviour and what I saw as “lash outs,” had a lot to do with the pressure that she felt being the oldest of the family. She felt she had to protect us and defend us from any and anything that could or would possibly harm us. Her anger and frustration made sense to me now. She didn’t express this by simply speaking to me or any of us, so her emotions would end up coming out in bursts of anger and rage. Although I found it very confusing and it caught me off guard, I always respected and appreciated my sister for what she taught me and all that she did for me…..

I chose my sister as a role model, but she did not choose to be looked at as a “role model.” Being a role model is a job that people don’t ask for, but regardless of whether you want to be or not, there is somebody who views you as a role model. The question is, if you know that a person younger than you in age views you as a role model, is it your responsibility to fulfil that role for them?

If you’ve made it into adult age, then you must have had some type of role model at some point in your life. Whether it was a parent, a teacher, a  coach, even a celebrity. Reflect on all of the good that role model brought into you life, all of the useful information and lessons that person provided you with…..Would you be who you are today without their influence in your life?

It’s not a role model’s responsibility to live up to our standards, they didn’t choose to be our role model. The role that they play in our life and what we take from it, is our responsibility.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Part 2, Accepting Change for the Better.

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

This is a continuation of my last blog, I’m going to pick up where I left off…..I’ve made the big move to my beautiful apartment in the central part of the city. It’s simply easier to live here, accessible to travel, close to stores and malls, a safer neighbourhood, and closer family and friends. I didn’t realize how different I would feel in new surroundings, not just new surroundings, but surroundings that I chose to be in. I feel calmer, clearer, content…..genuinely happier. I’m still settling in and making my new place home, but decorating is not as important to me as adjusting from the inside. Settling my mind and body and getting used to my new environment as home, and  I haven’t felt at home in a very long time…..I was not ungrateful for what I had, but regardless of why you are living in the conditions that you are, if they are negative in any way, it takes a toll on your true self. Until you leave and move on to improved surroundings you will  realize the affect your previous surroundings were having on you.

All the struggles I had to go through after moving out without a plan ten years ago, still sit with me as I embrace this change. I could not anticipate what living alone was going to be like, granted I’m a twin from a family of six…..I didn’t have any money saved, a steady job, or a game plan as to how I was going to move. I simply packed a duffel bag on my moving day, and made due with my basic needs, until I could move my other stuff. There was so much chaos around me that comfort was not my top priority…..

I remember the day I signed my lease, and told my mother that I’d be leaving for sure. She was dealing with various health issues, and the stress was damaging her mental health. I was the only one residing in the house that understood the nature of her illness, and was attending doctor appointments/counselling with her. She expressed concern that I was taking it on. She did not want me to leave, but she wanted me to get away from the stresses in the house. She said that I was taking on her burden, and it wasn’t “my problem” but I felt that I owed it to her to stay and help her. Although I couldn’t help her the way I that I wanted to, I felt I owed it to her to be there for her. I felt guilty leaving her but  I knew that moving out was necessary in order to preserve my health, my mother was right. It hurt me when she told me that she wasn’t “kicking me out” and that I don’t “have” to leave, because she never said anything to me like that in the past. Those ideas didn’t even cross my mind, but I guess that was just her parental instincts taking over. It made me feel sad though…..

The reason and the manner in which I left weighed on my subconscious, and followed me through the years. As I’ve said in, “Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s Death,” I’ve managed to grow past most of the turmoil that ensued before and after. Now it’s time to plant new seeds and allow myself to enjoy the calm after the storm. I am proud of myself for earning what I always knew I deserved.

I’ve finally conquered my fear of accepting change for the better.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A “Little” Dehumanization, Part 1

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On a daily basis I take notice of the “little” ways we humans dehumanize one another in this modern society that we live in. In the News we watch other countries deal with war, genocide, famine etc. and that has desensitized us to the way we dehumanize each other in “little” ways daily.

I’ve held detailed conversations with strangers regarding this issue. Many of the people happened to be “on the clock” at work, and as I’m receiving service, friendly banter turns into a deep conversation. I’m curious by nature, so I ask questions in order to gain a better understanding of how they feel, and the way their day is affected by it. We’ve all been a victim of this in some way, been made to feel a “little” dehumanized in our day.

I remember a conversation that I had with a taxi driver last summer. I greeted him politely and he began to explain his lateness, I excused him. He told me that he’s been yelled at, cursed out, and spoken to like a “dog” by passengers, his exact words. I told him that I  know his lateness was not intentional and when it comes to transportation, traffic is unpredictable, and car accidents, construction and other things can delay travel, which is beyond our control. Yelling at the driver won’t get you to your destination any faster, and it is disrespectful. He graciously Thanked me for  understanding, and I responded, “While I’m in your vehicle, my life is in your hands…… .” He said my words made his day, and he began to talk about his life, his job, and how hard he works to support his children so they can have a better life, and attend the best schools. I was touched……

Dealing  with verbal abuse on a daily basis because of your occupation, is wrong. It is a form of dehumanization that goes under the rug in our society.

I will be posting a few more stories about strangers I’ve encountered on the job, and how their day was affected by a “little” dehumanization.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My Birthday & Growing Older…..

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The fun part about getting older is looking back at all the things you thought you  knew when you were younger and matching it with what you  know to be true at the age you are now. I’ve embraced growing older, I reflect back on what I learned from that year, and how much I’ve improved as a person. It takes away the pressure of the actual number of your  age, which we tend to get hung up on.

Today is my birthday, that I share with my twin sister. I’m up at 3:00 am drinking tea and writing before I start my day, I’d like to share this with you…….

Last night my father gave me a pre-birthday call, he usually does that every year because he wants to make sure he wishes me a Happy Birthday in case he’s not able to get through on the actual day due to phone connection issues. It’s nice to get that call and I look forward to it. I allow my father to express his fatherly side since he hasn’t been around to do it. I  could sense he was uneasy when I reminded him how old I’m turning because he missed so many years. He becomes silent and I have to bear it, I’ve noticed over the last few years he does this. He will trail of when we are speaking and go into the story about the picture that his friend drew of me when I was a child, a large sketched portrait, black and white, my hair braided, I was five years old…..I’ve never seen that picture before, but I know the story behind it because I’ve heard it many times. I remember hearing this story as a child, he told me that while he was incarcerated, there was a talented inmate who would draw portraits from photographs, and he  would match the images to a tee……I neglected to tell my father that I remember meeting that man at a jail visit in the room designated for wives and children. I remember that man had a beard and looked gruff…..He had a few of his children sitting with him, but we didn’t interact….I remember my father introducing him to us, while holding a large portrait and telling us that he was the one who drew it. I was taking in the atmosphere around me, as I usually did, I was a very observant child. I remember thinking to myself, how can a man who can draw this beautiful picture be in jail???. There were so many wives and children in the visiting room and I thought we were the only ones that lived like this, until that day……..

Every time my father trails off and tells that story I think to myself, wow, he’s stuck in time, he still associates me with that portrait when I was a little innocent child. I am in my thirty’s yet that is still his point of reference when it comes to me. He doesn’t even realize he is doing it. He does this practically every time we speak, and the older I grow the more he does it. Our conversations go off track when he does that, but I listen without interruption. I leave him to be at peace with his story. It’s a special memory for him and I don’t want to mar it. I do want him to know that I DO remember the jail visit where I met the artist who drew that picture of me, but that would also remind him of jail,. I’d rather him keep that memory about me as a little girl than about him being locked up, and me seeing him  in that way…..

I’m thankful for simply being alive and having the opportunity to share my thoughts with you on my Birthday.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My take on “Luck”…Do you believe in Luck?

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I’ve always questioned this thing called “luck,” and I’ve heard that some people are just lucky and some aren’t. Depending on your belief system, religion/faith, and life experiences, luck may mean something different to you. I’ve heard some replace the word “lucky” with “blessed.” I guess they have the same meaning?

I’ve never thought of myself as “lucky,” maybe blessed to a degree, but then again if I am blessed, then wouldn’t I be blessed in all aspects of life? I wouldn’t have had to go through certain things. If a person is “lucky,” then wouldn’t that luck apply to all areas of their life? I’ve always wondered that. If you are lucky in winning prizes from contests, then shouldn’t you be lucky in other areas of your life that are more important?.

My cousin works for a casino/racetrack and she’s told me stories about people basing their luck off of her. A patron will come to “cash out” at her terminal and credit their win to her touching and counting out their money. Some have told her that it is she who is bringing them “good luck.” She always tells them not to base their luck off of her, that she isn’t doing anything to make them win. She doesn’t want to be held responsible for them winning or losing, while inadvertently encouraging them to gamble. I completely understand her reasons for telling her patrons not to base their win off of her, although it is a compliment. Basing your luck off of somebody or something can be damaging to your confidence, and put a high level of expectation on a person who may be unable to give you what you need. If you have a “good luck charm” and you lose it, does that mean your luck has run out for the rest of your life?.

To those who consider themselves “unlucky,” this blog may help you look at luck in a different way. Perhaps you’re luckier than you think, or allow yourself to be. I chose to give myself a new definition of luck in order to make my life easier. I don’t depend on luck in my life, rather I simply credit myself for effort I put into areas of my life that I wish to be lucky in. That helps me maintain a feeling of some type of control over reality that may fail me in ways that I have no control over. There are things in life we know that we have no control over, so I try on a daily basis to allow my intent to lead me closer to “luck.”

In the past I’ve won the same amount of money on a scratch ticket that I had  recently given to person in need. I don’t consider that “luck” because I did that from my heart with no strings attached. Some may say it’s “karma,” but my intent was loud and clear so I give my intent the credit!.

So Good luck in life, if you believe in luck! 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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What I’ve learned about being “Too Nice”………..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I’m at the point in my life where I’m 100% sure that being “nice” and  doing the “right” thing does not always produce the results that I expect. I am not a pessimist, but when I do a “good deed” I do not expect “good” back in return. When I was younger I thought the saying, “No good deed goes unpunished” sounded strange, because why would a good deed be associated with being punishable???. Now that I am a grown woman, I do 100% understand why that saying is used so often in our society……..

I remember on numerous occasions when my father was around, I witnessed him giving to people. Just like my mother, my father was raised to be a giving, charitable person. He was giving to point that we were deprived of what we needed in order to help others. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve grown to understand that some people are giving to a “fault”. This was a life experience that has affected my character, and I inherited that trait from my parents, but I’ve decided not to allow niceness/kindness to be a vice.

An incident that remains in my memory is the time when we were walking to the neighborhood plaza and my father gave money to a panhandler who stands outside of the store everyday. I was four or five years old, I didn’t understand why the panhandler was standing there every single day. People would walk by him as if he wasn’t even there. Seeing my father acknowledge his existence and hand money to him, taught me the reason why he was standing there. I thought my father was a good person for doing so but the next day he didn’t give the man any money and I wondered why. In my innocent mind I thought, what makes today different from before? The man needs help, he needs money today too, right? So why didn’t my father give him any money?……….

The reality that you can’t always be “nice” and help everybody, always, everyday, is a truth that I still have issues accepting. It has hurt me in a few ways in life, people have tried to take advantage etc. I check myself when I start to feel guilt when I’m unable to help a person. I trust my gut when I feel I’m being taken for a fool. I’ve been told by many people that not everybody appreciates “nice” people. It’s the truth. Most nice/kind people end up being drained and pushed to a point of no return due to stress, which can eventually lead to death. My mother was one of those people, and I can’t deny that.

You can give of yourself and be left with virtually nothing, or you can give and allow yourself to be left with yourself, the self that you had before you chose to give in the first place. As I stated at the start of my blog, not expecting the same in return when you give, takes away any potential disappointment that you may be feel for doing what you felt was right and simply being being “nice.”

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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The Value of Friendship….How much do you care?

~ dawnlovely ~ 4 Comments

I was thrown off by some very unsettling news recently, so I had to put my writing on hold. I received a very upsetting phone call the other night, It was my ex, we have been in contact for years,  and have remained friends from afar. Every so often he will  phone me, or vise versa,  just to say hi, we call it, “Just, calling to see if your alive.”

Before I start, I would like you to know that I told him that I would be writing about him, and sharing this experience. I’ve known him for over 15 years, he’s been a friend/friend of the family, and has been a long time supporter of my writing, so he didn’t mind. He was the first person to purchase my self-published book that I wrote years ago, and has always encouraged me to express myself through my writing.

I remember in high school, I always looked up to him, I considered him to be very funny, intelligent, charismatic….. His wit, and high energy drew people to him. I failed to notice the fact that most of the times that I saw him or was around him, he was drinking alcohol. At that time in my life everyone around me smoke and drank to some degree, so it wasn’t unusual, however I found out very quickly that there was more reasons for his drinking than meets the eye……He was alienated in his household because he was “different” from the rest. He didn’t believe in the religion he was raised in,  and he chose to question everything, this was one of the things that made him the “black sheep” of the family. He was also  labelled a “nerd” for his avid reading,  interest in books, and constant quest to seek knowledge.

One night he took off his glasses, looked me in the eye, and told me that he felt out-of-place in this world. That nobody understands him, that he feels like an “alien,” and that he only feels “safe” or “comfortable” when he’s drinking. He confessed that he was drinking to cover up his pain. Now it all made sense to me……

As the years went by his drinking problem became worse, and I would constantly confront him about it. I tried to be as understanding as possible, and suggested things he could do to help him “cut down” on the liquor. There were a few people around him, who would try to talk to him about it, but he would dismiss them, as he did me. We grew further and further apart. I noticed the changes in his personality, the moodiness, the change in temperament, but I would still visit from time to time. I tried to help him in any way I could. I would even be an “ear” for him if he wanted to talk. I never referred to him as an “alcoholic” but everybody else did. My eyes finally opened up to the reality that he had a substance abuse problem, that is causing irreversible damage, and that could eventually end his life………

I made one last attempt at helping him, we discussed options, possible doctor/specialist visits, me accompanying him for support, even meetings, whatever would help him pass the first steps of recovery. He said he tried already and refused my help and I realized there’s nothing more I can do….I told him that I fear for his health being damaged to a point of no return by his late thirty’s. My influence didn’t seem to mean much, we were getting into arguments and I found myself saying very harsh things to him out of frustration and anger. I felt unappreciated and insignificant, so I made a conscious decision to separate myself from him in life. Not to call or speak to him ever again. I stuck by that decision, until I answered a call from an unusual phone number, it was him….He proceeded to tell me that he wants me to know that he went through a traumatizing incident recently, he was rushed to the hospital emergency unit due to a severe anxiety attack,  his heart was beating DOUBLE times it’s normal rate. After being checked out, the doctor informed him that he has two blood clots, one on his lung, that almost went undetected had he not been rushed to the emergency room. He spared me the details, and I didn’t want to pry, but he summed it up as “being close to death,” he’s taking medication, and he’s “okay.” Of course when I said I was worried, he told me “Not to worry.”

In conclusion, I was disappointed that it took this incident to wake him up. I could tell he was reluctant to tell me the details.  I had said this was my biggest concern and maybe he thought I’d say, “I told you so.” I did not say that. As a matter of fact, I asked him what he needs from me at this point. There is no sense in being “friends” with a person if you are going to throw their hardships in their face. I do not know if we will maintain contact at this point, but I’m 100% sure he learned his lesson, and for that I am Thankful. I hope he monitors his health and I wish him the best.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s death…….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Last month August 30th, marked the four year anniversary of the passing of my mother. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm two days after her birthday. There were issues with her overall health over the years that lead up to her untimely death, she suffered with immense amounts of stress being a single parent to the six children she had with my father. The last time I spoke to her, I could sense she was very tired, and my intuition told me prepare for the worst but you can  never fully prepare for losing a loved one. Every year as soon as August hits, a feeling comes over me that I have difficulty acknowledging…..It’s not that I don’t have closure with her passing,  it’s the memories of how my closure came about that still haunt me.025

I have the  tendency to “intellectualize” my feelings when it comes to death, partly because I haven’t had much experience dealing with death in my life, it wasn’t discussed in my household growing up. I had never even been to a “Wake” before or even a funeral, believe it or not. I always wondered how people were able to cope with the death of a loved one, especially a relative or a parent. I’ve heard stories from friends about family members “acting out,” or acting “crazy,” and drama ensuing for years after a relative’s death. I tried to imagine what it would be like to deal with, but I just couldn’t picture it happening in my life.

The news of my mother’s death was painful to hear, but a light bulb went on in my head,  it’s hard to explain in words. My focus became doing right by her and putting my emotions second, even if that meant taking blows for not  “going along” with my siblings. I knew standing on my own would have consequences. Since I’ve always been the “quiet one,” my speaking up had already caused some friction among us, which overlapped this tragic situation.

While at the scene on that day,  looking at the house I grew up in, police and ambulance workers scattered about, my siblings all different, some angry, some crying, some ignoring me as I attempted to calm them down,  I knew I had to keep it together. I accepted the fact that the only control I had, was the  control I have over my emotions. I had to exercise all the lessons, the logic  my mother taught me  since she was not around to speak for herself. I felt my main priority was to represent for her, and do what was best for her, and her loved ones that knew her before I did.

I chose to cry at home and let out all my pain and frustration in private. This angered some of my siblings because  they felt I should be with them. They lashed out at me and questioned why I did this, which was very draining to me, this was the most challenging and difficult part of my grieving. I felt as though I was at war.

My mother’s death for me, was about protecting her legacy, and representing her the best way I could. I called  all of  her siblings and spoke to them, because I knew they were distraught and I wanted to remind them not to worry, as mom wouldn’t want them to, that was just her way. One of my aunts told me I helped her feel better, and that made me feel great.  At the Wake, I looked after all the guests and  I tried to uplift the people who were very sad. Some people that I hadn’t seen in ages were crying so hard, I felt bad for them! I listened to their stories about my mother and I realized how much of a positive effect my mom had on everybody she met.

After the funeral, I was ready to deal with the aftermath, the organizing of her belongings, the paperwork, etc. I had no problem working with my siblings as I’ve always been co-operative and easy going when it comes to team work, but some of them would not allow me to lead, which was disappointing. I wanted to lead by example and make things easier for all of us. I went ahead and did some tasks alone, or with my youngest auntie, Auntie G, who’s always been supportive of me, and now our bond is even stronger.

Unfortunately, there is still unfinished business regarding mom’s passing,  and my relationships with my siblings will never be the same, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, mom deserved it.

R.I.P. MOMMY.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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