dawnlovelysays

What I’ve learned about being “Too Nice”………..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I’m at the point in my life where I’m 100% sure that being “nice” and  doing the “right” thing does not always produce the results that I expect. I am not a pessimist, but when I do a “good deed” I do not expect “good” back in return. When I was younger I thought the saying, “No good deed goes unpunished” sounded strange, because why would a good deed be associated with being punishable???. Now that I am a grown woman, I do 100% understand why that saying is used so often in our society……..

I remember on numerous occasions when my father was around, I witnessed him giving to people. Just like my mother, my father was raised to be a giving, charitable person. He was giving to point that we were deprived of what we needed in order to help others. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve grown to understand that some people are giving to a “fault”. This was a life experience that has affected my character, and I inherited that trait from my parents, but I’ve decided not to allow niceness/kindness to be a vice.

An incident that remains in my memory is the time when we were walking to the neighborhood plaza and my father gave money to a panhandler who stands outside of the store everyday. I was four or five years old, I didn’t understand why the panhandler was standing there every single day. People would walk by him as if he wasn’t even there. Seeing my father acknowledge his existence and hand money to him, taught me the reason why he was standing there. I thought my father was a good person for doing so but the next day he didn’t give the man any money and I wondered why. In my innocent mind I thought, what makes today different from before? The man needs help, he needs money today too, right? So why didn’t my father give him any money?……….

The reality that you can’t always be “nice” and help everybody, always, everyday, is a truth that I still have issues accepting. It has hurt me in a few ways in life, people have tried to take advantage etc. I check myself when I start to feel guilt when I’m unable to help a person. I trust my gut when I feel I’m being taken for a fool. I’ve been told by many people that not everybody appreciates “nice” people. It’s the truth. Most nice/kind people end up being drained and pushed to a point of no return due to stress, which can eventually lead to death. My mother was one of those people, and I can’t deny that.

You can give of yourself and be left with virtually nothing, or you can give and allow yourself to be left with yourself, the self that you had before you chose to give in the first place. As I stated at the start of my blog, not expecting the same in return when you give, takes away any potential disappointment that you may be feel for doing what you felt was right and simply being being “nice.”

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s death…….

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Last month August 30th, marked the four year anniversary of the passing of my mother. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm two days after her birthday. There were issues with her overall health over the years that lead up to her untimely death, she suffered with immense amounts of stress being a single parent to the six children she had with my father. The last time I spoke to her, I could sense she was very tired, and my intuition told me prepare for the worst but you can  never fully prepare for losing a loved one. Every year as soon as August hits, a feeling comes over me that I have difficulty acknowledging…..It’s not that I don’t have closure with her passing,  it’s the memories of how my closure came about that still haunt me.025

I have the  tendency to “intellectualize” my feelings when it comes to death, partly because I haven’t had much experience dealing with death in my life, it wasn’t discussed in my household growing up. I had never even been to a “Wake” before or even a funeral, believe it or not. I always wondered how people were able to cope with the death of a loved one, especially a relative or a parent. I’ve heard stories from friends about family members “acting out,” or acting “crazy,” and drama ensuing for years after a relative’s death. I tried to imagine what it would be like to deal with, but I just couldn’t picture it happening in my life.

The news of my mother’s death was painful to hear, but a light bulb went on in my head,  it’s hard to explain in words. My focus became doing right by her and putting my emotions second, even if that meant taking blows for not  “going along” with my siblings. I knew standing on my own would have consequences. Since I’ve always been the “quiet one,” my speaking up had already caused some friction among us, which overlapped this tragic situation.

While at the scene on that day,  looking at the house I grew up in, police and ambulance workers scattered about, my siblings all different, some angry, some crying, some ignoring me as I attempted to calm them down,  I knew I had to keep it together. I accepted the fact that the only control I had, was the  control I have over my emotions. I had to exercise all the lessons, the logic  my mother taught me  since she was not around to speak for herself. I felt my main priority was to represent for her, and do what was best for her, and her loved ones that knew her before I did.

I chose to cry at home and let out all my pain and frustration in private. This angered some of my siblings because  they felt I should be with them. They lashed out at me and questioned why I did this, which was very draining to me, this was the most challenging and difficult part of my grieving. I felt as though I was at war.

My mother’s death for me, was about protecting her legacy, and representing her the best way I could. I called  all of  her siblings and spoke to them, because I knew they were distraught and I wanted to remind them not to worry, as mom wouldn’t want them to, that was just her way. One of my aunts told me I helped her feel better, and that made me feel great.  At the Wake, I looked after all the guests and  I tried to uplift the people who were very sad. Some people that I hadn’t seen in ages were crying so hard, I felt bad for them! I listened to their stories about my mother and I realized how much of a positive effect my mom had on everybody she met.

After the funeral, I was ready to deal with the aftermath, the organizing of her belongings, the paperwork, etc. I had no problem working with my siblings as I’ve always been co-operative and easy going when it comes to team work, but some of them would not allow me to lead, which was disappointing. I wanted to lead by example and make things easier for all of us. I went ahead and did some tasks alone, or with my youngest auntie, Auntie G, who’s always been supportive of me, and now our bond is even stronger.

Unfortunately, there is still unfinished business regarding mom’s passing,  and my relationships with my siblings will never be the same, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing, mom deserved it.

R.I.P. MOMMY.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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This is personal: Forgiveness and my Father……

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So “Father’s Day”  just passed, and since my father lives in Jamaica, I called him long distance to say, “Happy Father’s Day,” but unfortunately his phone was out of the service area. Maybe he was travelling to his other home land, Cuba, as my father is of both Jamaican/Cuban descent. My father and I have always maintained contact no matter where he is. I tried my best to reach him, I even called in the evening time, I wanted to make sure he heard my voice, and knew that I acknowledged him and appreciate him being my father. To be honest,  yesterday was my first time in my life I actually called my father for “Father’s Day.”

When I was a child, my father was in and out of my life. There were times he’d be gone for long periods and there was never an explanation given by my mother.  I grew accustomed to it, along with my five siblings. My mother did not speak a bad word about my father, ever, nothing was ever said, but I observed and witnessed many things that helped me understand that even though he loved me, we were not his first priority. I was unable to express my feelings to my father when he was around,  I was very young and also shy, but I was attentive to his words and actions. I always remembered the lessons he taught me, and applied them to my life. Every single time he took me aside and spoke to me about anything, I remembered the moral of the story. I took his words to heart&soul, and knew he was telling me for a reason, to help shape my moral code and inner strength. He even told me about his downfalls, pain and weaknesses, and told me NOT to be like him, because I was “strong.”

Dad made a lot of mistakes, got caught up with the law on numerous occasions which eventually landed him in prison for years. After his prison sentence was over, he was deported back to Jamaica. There were numerous events that lead up to this, and of course, we were affected the most by it in drastic ways, but I will share those stories in another blog.

After mom passed away in 2011, I knew my father was deeply hurt. He and my mother knew each other since they were children. It is said that my parents were “soul mates,” and they had a friendship that was never marred by the ups&downs  in their relationship. I admired my mother for being able to forgive my father and maintain a civil relationship with him. My mother lead by example, and taught me that I can communicate with my father even if he doesn’t always give me what I expect in return. She encouraged me to have a relationship with my father regardless of the circumstances, so after she died, I made a point of telling my father that he should focus on changing and forgiving himself for his mistakes, so he can move forward in his life and heal. He thanked me when I said this to him, and told me I helped him feel “better.” I told him, “Dad, when I was little I ALWAYS listened to you, your advice, your lessons…..and now I just want you to listen to me.” I  am proud of myself for having an affect on my father that will help him in life. He is more open and comfortable talking with me, as an adult.  I am planning to travel to see him for the first time in person in 26 years, and he is waiting patiently for my arrival. He’s excited to show me more about my other side, my Cuban heritage, and I’m excited too.

Forgiving my father has helped me grow as a woman and I recommend if your father is available, and receptive to you, have a conversation with him. You never know how much it will mean to him. But even if he doesn’t change, it will change YOU…..for the better.

Love&Respect, ~Dawn Lovely    Follow me @ : https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely Subscribe to Blog and it will be sent to your email, click on Follow button.