I’m up at 4:00am once again…..I’ve been waking up at this time for the past few weeks, for no good reason. Actually there is good reason…..I’ve been feeling anxious…..
There are changes that I’m trying to prepare for, it’s got me thinking, wondering, worrying, and planning…..I make a cup of tea, and get a little something sweet, and write for relief…..
A few hours ago I heard my neighbour upstairs yelling off the balcony, “This stairwell is mine, I own it!,” WHY? I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you…then she proceeded to yell curse words and other jargon that I wish not to repeat…..I’ve been hearing this type of noise on a regular basis, precisely at these wee hours of the morning, for almost nine years, and it’s going on ten years since I moved into my apartment. There’s been complaints and police calls from other neighbours, but I’ve grown accustomed to it, and since I’ve been here, I figured out long ago that it’s never going to change. I thought to myself, this will be one of the last times that I will hear that noise lol……
I’m relocating for the New Year, Jan 1 to be exact, it’s to a better area, more accessible, closer to family, a beautiful contemporary apartment…..but I’m anxious and worrying…just a tad….It’s not that I’m not happy, I’m just getting used to the fact that I’m still learning to allow myself to accept the fact that I become nervous, worried and anxious in anticipation of a “good” change. This is not easy for me to admit. I’ve been working on this for most of my life. I’ve had loved ones address it, I’ve argued in defensive of the reason why I do it…..
I decided to share this with you to help ease the shame of admitting that I have this habit….that it’s going to take time and effort to undo this habit that came from trying to protect myself from disappointment. The anxious feeling doesn’t feel good, it interrupts my sleep, my inner peace and my joy. I’m proud of myself for saving up, setting goals for myself, and keeping focus through crazy times, to get to this point. I’m excited to sign my lease right before New Years Eve, and bring my New Year in with a change that I need. I know where this fear of change “for the good” stems from. I’ve decided to face it and learn how to conquer it, so I can enjoy what I’ve earned and been blessed to have. I moved here with just a duffel bag full of my belongings….there’s more to the story, but I’ll save it for another blog 🙂
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