lessons

That “Home” Feeling (Conclusion)…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

(Continuing……….)

From that point on we were homeless. We ended up moving  around from place to place, hotels, motels, and shelters for a looong time….It became normal and I forgot how life used to be. Being that my mother was always a quiet, poker-faced woman who rarely complained or talked a lot, I had no idea how serious our situation was, being young and innocent too…..

I have vivid memories about each place we stayed, schools I attended, fascinating/broken  people I met, and being exposed to shady characters, and the”dark side” of life….At one point, we were literally “on the run” with our father, and stayed at a beach side motels in Toronto…It was just life. I didn’t feel in danger, or afraid…I felt protected and safe. I was happy being with my mother, father and siblings…..I felt at home throughout those times and I have a warm feeling in my heart when I reminisce…..Those are the stories I used to love to talk with my siblings about…We had fun most of the time, and we found ways to entertain ourselves and made it a group effort. That was the beauty of it all…..

Those times are more precious than gold to me. I learned  and saw a lot, good and bad, but I can honestly say that I felt more at home then, than I do now in my current situation. The beauty of this town, the suburban comfort, the beauty and unique design of my surroundings, can not replace or fill the void of  feeling at home. I know for a fact that material items, a pretty picture, doesn’t do it for me. I wouldn’t understand how valuable it is to build a home for yourself, the physical and spiritual aspects of it all, if I didn’t have to grow these experiences….

We eventually left the last women’s shelter with our mother and my mother was able to move us into a townhouse in a town in the GTA. We moved into a house again, and I remember running around the fresh, new, carpeted place thinking…Okay this is HOME! Plus I had my own bedroom that I was going to be sharing with my twin sister…I felt a deep sense of pride…..We resided there from then on, no more homelessness…..

So now as my birthday approaches and I’m waiting patiently to find out the status of my place, living day to day out of rubbermaid bins, and luggage, I tell myself that I will be home soon…..I’ve seen the worst it could be, and I’ve fortunately never had to live on the streets. I’m warm and safe, and focusing on what I DO have but I can not fake the fact that I don’t feel at home in this large, lovely, vacant space…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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That “Home” Feeling (Continued)…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

…..After our house was raided I knew that life was never going to be the same, the scene I witnessed is ingrained in my memory as if it happened yesterday, but I’m going to save that story for another blog. The raid marked a turning point in my life…..I distinctly remember fleeing our home with my mother and siblings wondering, What’s going to happen next??? I was shaken up and shocked, yet calm and quiet. I was only five years old, too young to fathom what was supposed to happen next but I knew life as I knew it was NEVER going to be the same again…..

We ended up at my Auntie’s apartment, where we waited and waited…..I didn’t ask my mother anything…I glanced at the television and the evening news was on, then I saw my HOUSE! I saw my house and our neighbours house and front yard, to my dismay, I was speechless…..I just stared at the screen as the reporter spoke, words I understood, but didn’t know what it all meant….I thought to myself, I’m NEVER going to live there again, things are never going to be the same again…And I was right.

My toys, my bed, my room, I had to leave behind with no explanation…That’s just the way it was. I went with the flow, along with my  siblings. I wondered WHERE and HOW we were going to live. In a matter of a few hours my perception of home had changed.

From that point on we were homeless. We ended up moving  around from place to place, hotels, motels, and shelters for a long time….There’s waaaay more to the story, but I’ll continue in another blog….Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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That “Home” Feeling (Part 1)…..

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I’ve been  away from home for over a few weeks now, due to the immense flood damage but it already feels as long as a month. I am very grateful and blessed to have a roof over my head, and everything I need. I was meaning to post a blog last week, I wrote then stopped, over and over again…..I just couldn’t get into my writing groove…..Being uprooted affected me more that I expected. After finally sleeping a decent amount, I jotted down my thoughts:

This place has everything my apartment had, with a few extras…..I don’t own a large flat screen tv, I don’t have need for one, but it’s cool that I’m able to watch one now. I’m not too far from home, I’m about 20 minutes up the road, yet I feel so far away…..The leather couch is very comfy and I fall asleep at a drop of a dime, the view is beautiful, overlooking the central part of the city, and the extravagant mall that I rarely shop at…..The decor is stylish, very spiffy…..There’s security and a doorman which I’ve dreamed of having for as long as I can remember, folks can’t just walk in like in my other building….I bet the people who live here feel safe, everyday…..I haven’t seen a police cruiser anywhere near these condos…..I’d never expect to be staying in a place like THIS at this point in my life, especially under these circumstances….. Wow….Life is a trip…..

The fact that after only nine months I managed to make my new place feel like home, gave me a sense of pride, I’m proud of myself…..Now leaving has stirred up all types of emotions in me that I had to come to grips with. I felt as though I was in a stage of mourning. I went back to pick up some items and saw the place is torn up from the floors to the walls…I thought to myself, “Damn…MY place!!!,” but it wasn’t exactly the apartment itself being damaged that was really getting to me. It was the comfort and feeling that I created for myself, that “safe” place that I’d yearned for so long…..Now I have to start all over again…..Smh…..

Memories came back from my childhood of  being homeless, living in shelters, and having to leave home over and over again….That was the way life was after our nice house was raided by the police…..I’m going to get more into this in my next blog…Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Asking for Help, Part 2…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

(Continuing)

…..I know it’s unwarranted that I feel ashamed to ask for help when I really need it, and that familiar fear of being judged creeps up and then I’m back to that place, sinking into quick sand…..

I plan ahead waaaaay too much, because I want to make sure that I’ll never be in a position where I’ll have to ask for help…..I know that’s illogical, but it’s the easiest way for me to feel I have control, which of course I don’t…..If I prepare myself as much as possible for NOTHING to go wrong, nothing will, right? That is what I tell myself but when life happens, I’m brought back to reality very quickly, that I do NOT have control over everything around me, things WILL happen…..

I was rudely awakened by a flood in my apartment a few days ago. It was midnight when I felt a pool of water under my feet as I sat down in my living room. I was alarmed when  more and more water was spilling out quickly from an unknown place…..I discovered where it was coming from and phoned my landlord to report the problem. The water heater had a leak or something, we weren’t 100 percent sure, but I followed instructions, shut off whatever valve etc. I was  calm, cool and collected as I watched the water flood out into my living room and beyond…..There wasn’t much more I could do than attempt to soak it up with whatever I had…There wasn’t much we could do until morning, business hours…I wasn’t going to panic and make the situation any worse for my landlord as well, and she thanked me for that. I tend to be calmer than usual through emergency situations…In my mind I was picturing people who’ve suffered flooding, the aftermath of  hurricanes…But I was relieved the water was somewhat contained….Ironically my father called me from Jamaica and informed me that he was preparing for hurricane, so it was on heart….I thought WOW, this really sucks, but it could be WORSE…..

I barely slept and by the wee hours of morning around 5am, the water had reached further throughout my apartment, creeping underneath my bedroom door. It was very bad, and I decided to inform my upstairs neighbours by text, telling them what about the flooding/water heater issue. I felt they had the right to know, since it will affect them too, but  I didn’t want to burden them or make them worry about a problem that they couldn’t solve. They came downstairs ASAP to assist me with trying to contain the water, and we worked tirelessly for 3 hours with all types of supplies to soak up/drain as much water as we could until technicians arrived. We had a great conversation about life situations, and the irony that it happened to be their day off , and they had other plans, but their top priority was to help me…..We worked as a team, harmoniously and managed to clean up ALL of the water which looked like a MIRACLE!

I  expressed to my neighbours, while I thanked them, that I was very apprehensive to ask for help when I initially saw the flooding. They said they’d feel the same way if they were in my shoes. They appreciated the fact that I promptly  informed them of the problem, especially for safety reasons…..I felt extra blessed  that I received the help I needed, and didn’t expect, in one of the WORST predicaments I’ve ever been in by myself…..

At this point, I’m dealing with the aftermath of the flood which is taxing, but I feel that I’m almost over my fear of asking for help….I’m still working on it 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Asking for Help, Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I try to be open and available to my family and friends, if and when they need me for anything, anytime, anywhere. I would never want them to feel uncomfortable coming to me for help, regardless of what type of help they need. I had an urgent situation come up a few days ago and I needed help, but didn’t know how/who to ask …..I don’t have t0o much pride to ask, it’s just that I feel very uncomfortable having to say that I’m having a problem, that I can not handle myself…..The fear of not being in control is one of my biggest fears, biggest vices, it’s like a demon that haunts me. I also fear being judged, since I’ve overcame so much over the past five years. I feel as though they might assume I don’t really need the help, that I can handle it on my own. I have a fear of not being considered a “priority” which stems from my upbringing, trying to stay out of the way and not be a burden…..

So many scenarios run through my mind, and I anticipate who wouldn’t be able to help me, and how they’d possibly react to me even asking, before I made any phone calls at all…..I felt vulnerable and insecure, not because I thought they wouldn’t want to help, but because I didn’t want them to worry about me, or add any more stress to their lives than they are already going through….Everyone seems to be struggling through their worst times, at the same time, when it rains it POURS…..

I think to myself, “You’re on your own” that’s it. Deal with it….But that doesn’t solve the problem, and I feel like I’m sinking in quick sand and want somebody to voluntarily pull me out, without me asking…..There shouldn’t be shame in asking for help, and feeling that way is the bigger problem……

I will continue on this topic in another blog. Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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I’m not supposed to Yell?!…..

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Back in elementary school,  I was repeatedly told by my teachers that I need to speak up, and speak louder…..This annoyed and frustrated me, because I was speaking as loud as I could…..At least I thought so…..I remember my favourite teacher telling me that I had a “low, soft” voice, and because of that it was difficult to hear me. The truth is, I did have a low, soft voice but, I was also very shy…..And I stuttered, BADLY (which I’ll get more into in another blog lol) so speaking up felt impossible. I’d try to go unnoticed in class. I’d know the answer  and not put my hand up, but of course that didn’t work. I’d push the words out to appease my teacher, and was exhausted afterwards. Speaking up when necessary, was something I had to work on. By the time I completed speech therapy in fourth grade, I found confidence and strength in my words. I was relieved, and was excited to participate in class, raising my hand as much as I could, I was loving it…..

It’s not in my nature to speak up, but you’d never know it if you spoke to me now lol. I am unapologetic for speaking up, speaking my mind, and addressing any situation that I feel needs to be addressed. I feel I’ve earned my right to speak up, which is a funny way of putting it, but it’s exactly how I feel. Although I’m not considered “old” yet, I feel I’ve wasted so many years feeling trapped in box, unable to express myself the way I needed to. If you’ve suffered from severe cases of shyness, or had a speech impediment, you may identify with this. Sometimes I feel that I’m making up for lost time. Unfortunately, I’ve surprised/disappointed many loved ones, and people who “thought” they knew me, when I’ve raised my voice, even at the slightly.  They didn’t expect me to sound the way I do. I have had several arguments/verbal altercations and I would not back down, dumb down my point,  or lower my voice, and I do NOT enjoy arguing or fighting…I never did. I’ve chosen to stick to my guns, and take the risk of how I come off…But I will apologize if it’s warranted…..I’m aware that stress, the messy drama after mom’s passing, coupled with the fact that I haven’t accomplished the closure I’ve yearned for after all these years, has pushed me to “go there”. I’ve yelled more in the last five years than I EVER have,  I don’t feel proud to admit that, but I’m also unashamed. I’ve always tried NOT to yell, and it would take a lot to get me to that point. I know for a fact that raising my voice and yelling has actually helped me relay important messages, and they were received! Strangely enough.

I understand the difference between “speaking up” and yelling, regardless of how you sound you may be received differently/negatively, depending on whether or not a person WANTS to hear you…Or listen. That’s what I’ve learned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Playing Catch Up…..

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I had a  co-worker who  was one of the most miserable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to be around, but I wasn’t allowed to move to different cubicle, which I requested from my supervisor lol. I’d do my best not to cringe or be rude as she would constantly complain about what she didn’t have compared to all her friends. I tried to suggest a positive way to look at the situation, but that didn’t help. She would go on and on about how her friends have houses, are married, and are living the “good life.” It was annoying, and very irritating. From what I heard, her boyfriend works very hard as an entrepreneur running a few business, she lives in one of the best areas of the city in a beautiful condo that many would wish to live in…..Why not appreciate that?… Until you get everything else you want? I don’t get it…..Smh…..

So, I call this  playing “Catch Up,” trying to stay in line, equal to everyone around you in life, and making sure you don’t fall beneath “their” standard. It’s hard enough staying afloat in this society, making sure you “look the part” regardless of how much your struggling, or how exhausted and stressed out you may be from work/life. I’ll admit I’ve felt the shame of feeling behind my peers and some of my relatives. I took a different route than them, I didn’t have many options at the time, but I ended up where I was supposed to be in life. I didn’t feel good about myself because I thought I missed some steps…..But I actually didn’t, because the lessons learned in the meantime fed  my self confidence, and I grew a thicker skin…..

Playing catch up with others is silly…..you will NEVER catch up with them, it just isn’t possible. Life is not designed that way, everybody has their own set of problems and challenges…You’d be surprised at what their really going through, in order to stay “ahead” of the game, so just do you and stay in your lane!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Sugar & Bad Habits…..

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Sweets are my  weakness, always have been. I have a sweet tooth and I’m a choc-o-holic. Some of my fondest childhood memories are going to the store with my siblings and carefully choosing an assortment of candies that we would share. Sometimes we’d even make a list and the trip took long lol, it was very fun. We didn’t have sugary snacks in our reach, my mother made sure of it. She would hide them away from us in her room and sometimes we’d sneak into her room and take them out. One time we all woke up  in the middle of the night and snuck into the kitchen, climbed up on chairs, and  ate bags and bags of marshmallows…..I ended up falling off the chair, chipping a tooth, having a bad stomach ache, and receiving punishment, but still this is one of my siblings and I’s favourite memories. I associate that memory with a feeling of safety and comfort, because my parents were together at that time and we lived in a nice comfortable house and a positive environment…..

Gaining  an understanding of my “bad habits” and where they come from, is a part of maintaining good health, and I’ve curbed my sweet tooth a lot….Candy brings me comfort, because it reminds me of a nice time from my childhood. I realized the other day while eating a bag of peanut M&M’s, that I only buy them when I’m feeling uncertain about something, or stressed out. I thought to myself, I’m already tired of these…Why am I eating them??? 

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Computers/Virtual Reality/Reality

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I remember the first time I used a computer….Do you remember in elementary school using the “ICON” computer with the roller ball for a mouse??? If you don’t, then you are waaay younger than me lol it changed my outlook on the world forever. I viewed  the computer as another outlet that I could use to express my creativity, explore and learn. I loved using the keyboard, typing on the screen, and using the drawing programs. Then there was the internet, the “world wide web” I think the first time I used it was at school to research for a project. I viewed it as a tool for learning, and I loooved goggle. I couldn’t believe a “two letter” search could bring up any information in the world that I wanted to know…..I was amazed. When I grew a little older I was introduced to email and “chat rooms” I remember hearing that automated voice, “You’ve Got Mail!” lol I thought it was weird, because it made receiving an email sound “exciting” I found it funny. The first time I talked in a chat room I LMAO chat rooms were different back then though, there were no “rules.” I observed a pattern though, after greeting a person they would automatically describe their appearance, and EVERYONE seemed to describe themselves to be what society perceives as attractive. There was also a lot of nonsense chatter and weird stuff being said that I couldn’t get into….. It wasn’t real to me, and considering I couldn’t see them and couldn’t prove who I was talking to, how could I take them seriously? I separated reality from this virtual world, and I understood the dangers of taking it too seriously…..

We live in a society that your “virtual life” is equal, if not more important than your real life. Online habits can make or break relationships, which I find crazy.  I would’ve never thought computers would end up being a main source of communication as they are now, not in my wildest dreams. Many misconceptions can happen when posting your life online. It has it’s upside and downside, unfortunately the downside is what seems to be more prevalent. To see a loved one post a life changing announcement on social media, before telling the family first, can ruin that relationship for good…..Is it worth it?

I guess it’s all about priorities. How much importance do you base what the cyber world thinks and “knows” about you versus the people you consider to be loved ones? 

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Stress &Selflessness (Part 2)…..

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I’m going to continue where I left off,  as I was saying, people who constantly give and give, have higher expectations put on them from others. The stress and pressure has to go somewhere, and if they don’t complain and get it out, it can and will lead to their demise. My mother unfortunately, sacrificed herself, her health. I watched as her physical health and mental state deteriorated slowly over a long period of time, and I tried to reach her by asking her questions to help her feel okay with being open…..In the culture she comes from, they are not open about their true feelings, as in vulnerabilities, pain…It’s just the way they are, through the generations…..I am not the first person to address this problem, but we’re ALL to afraid to address it collectively…..I felt uncomfortable blogging about it last year, but I’ve come along way since then. I don’t feel ashamed to discuss this “taboo”  and I know and feel should NOT be a taboo at all.

This is the root of all the conflict, personal attacks,  misunderstandings and unfinished business with my immediate family regarding mommy’s passing. I’ve been told by many that, “They feel guilty…..Don’t take it personal, they’ll come around one day….” *Sigh *…..

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my mother’s passing, and I was feeling slightly off the day before, as I always do around these times… I try to go about my day as if it was a regular day, but then that feeling hits me…..I tried to make myself feel upbeat, but my mood was sombre…..I phoned my Auntie G who I’m closest with, and talked to her about my feelings, she always encourages me to…..I felt I needed to express my feelings that confused me,  a mix of angst, pain, disappointment, anger…I was complaining as well, which made me feel guilty…I didn’t want to come off as though I was complainer but I had to get it off my chest. My Aunt comforted me and reassured me it was okay for me to feel the way I feel…..I slept the rest of the day away until nighttime, then my Aunt called me and said she was coming from the city to see me. I was happy that I’d be able to spend some time with her before the night was over. Before she left we spoke about the quietness in the family, the strange silence on this day , every year. I told her that I hate the fact I’m STILL frustrated, even after how far I’ve come. She reminded me that I won’t have full closure until the “unfinished business” is handled and my feelings are a natural part of it…..I just wish we all could emulate my mother’s selflessness to come together as a family.

 

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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