I try to be open and available to my family and friends, if and when they need me for anything, anytime, anywhere. I would never want them to feel uncomfortable coming to me for help, regardless of what type of help they need. I had an urgent situation come up a few days ago and I needed help, but didn’t know how/who to ask …..I don’t have t0o much pride to ask, it’s just that I feel very uncomfortable having to say that I’m having a problem, that I can not handle myself…..The fear of not being in control is one of my biggest fears, biggest vices, it’s like a demon that haunts me. I also fear being judged, since I’ve overcame so much over the past five years. I feel as though they might assume I don’t really need the help, that I can handle it on my own. I have a fear of not being considered a “priority” which stems from my upbringing, trying to stay out of the way and not be a burden…..
So many scenarios run through my mind, and I anticipate who wouldn’t be able to help me, and how they’d possibly react to me even asking, before I made any phone calls at all…..I felt vulnerable and insecure, not because I thought they wouldn’t want to help, but because I didn’t want them to worry about me, or add any more stress to their lives than they are already going through….Everyone seems to be struggling through their worst times, at the same time, when it rains it POURS…..
I think to myself, “You’re on your own” that’s it. Deal with it….But that doesn’t solve the problem, and I feel like I’m sinking in quick sand and want somebody to voluntarily pull me out, without me asking…..There shouldn’t be shame in asking for help, and feeling that way is the bigger problem……
I will continue on this topic in another blog. Stay tuned…..
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