life

The Explosion…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

My friend called me from work to check in and see if I was okay. There has been a major explosion in the city I live in, near my area…..When I saw his number come up on my phone, I was immediately worried…..In the past, his phone calls have always seemed to bring about bad news. I answered reluctantly….When he asked me if I was okay, I was relieved because I thought something bad had happened to someone in my family, in his city.

When watching a tragedy like this on the news, it’s shocking, difficult to fathom what it would be like to be in THOSE people’s shoes. But when it happens near you,  of course, it’s different. It’s close to home, it could’ve been you…..

I told my friend that I live in a different area, that it didn’t happen near me, but it’s very close to where I live. After I found the news story on my phone, my mouth dropped….I couldn’t believe the site…..Beautiful homes now a pile of rubble in a “prominent” area…Nothing like this has ever happened in this city before….That I know of.

As I walked home from the store, I was thinking about how those people are feeling, what their going through…..We don’t experience tornadoes or earthquakes over here so this is  a rare an unusual occurrence. I thought to myself, while attempting to enjoy the remainder of the evening and nice weather. I took notice of the calm around me, folks walking their little dogs, riding their bikes, heading in and out of stores…..I thought, hmmmm this explosion happened a few blocks down from here, I wonder if anyone else is thinking what I’m thinking….It could’ve been ME…..

I haven’t been feeling well for the last few days, so I took the day off to rest. I felt renewed when I woke up. I tried to make the most of the day, and promised myself I’d get a little writing done and post a blog. I can honestly say that I count my blessings everyday, and simply feeling better today was a blessing.

I said Hi to my neighbours as I entered my place, and complimented them on how beautiful their garden is coming along. The nice, couple responded, “Thank you! We’re just trying to figure out where we should put this new plant we bought.” I looked at the little purple potted plant and smiled. My neighbours take such pride in their backyard…..I wonder if they wonder what it would be like to lose it, as the people a few blocks down from us have lost everything…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A Different Conversation with Dad…..

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I posted a blog on Father’s Day after having a brief conversation with my father. Since that day there has been a change, a shift in our relationship. I had another conversation with him since then, it was different than any other conversation we’ve had before. Because I haven’t seen him in person for so long, I try to express myself as much as I can, while taking him in and listening. It can be frustrating at times because he can not understand what it was like growing up because he was not there…..The whole time…Then he was gone for good. Letters and postcards, even “telegrams” were our connection. Phone calls can only go so far. I understand what it must be like for him to hear me say, “You don’t understand dad, you weren’t there to see…..” while trying to explain the extent to what’s been going on over here. I felt the need to share with him what HAS been going on over here lately…..I called him around 12:00am and apologized for calling so late, and he said, it’s okay, he expected a call. My father is intuitive by nature, and so am I. I tend to call him at the “right” times. I started telling him that the same fighting is starting back up again, the text message attacks, the uncouth behaviour, and craziness that never seems to end….After mom’s passing. I being the “odd man out” and choosing to go about my business, and stay as far away from it as possible have been targeted. I told him that I just want to get my closure and deal with the “unfinished business” and I can only take so much….. I WILL defend myself and I refuse to remain quiet. I’ve addressed the ROOT of the problem that has spiralled out of control and left me to fend for myself on family matters that I need and needed support to handle…..He told me to “stay strong” as he always has….I had to be honest with him…..I told him that I’m only human and there’s only so strong that I can be, there’s only so much one can take…..There was a long pause…..Then he finally began to open up, and what he said next was a BIG surprise to me…..It hit me, he is finally starting to GET it.

I just wanted to share that with you, I’ll continue in another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Adapting & Life…..

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I always questioned that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” because applying this to human beings doesn’t make sense since we are human beings, and adapting and changing is necessary for survival. Having to take on different problems and challenges in life is what makes life, life, right?

Elderly folks  fascinate me because  they have lived in times where life was very simple and  have made it through in these complicated times. They  are comfortable using technology, yet don’t allow it to “rule” them. They have adapted where they need to adapt, yet they could survive without it. That’s the best way to be in my opinion. Adapting when you need to. I remember an elderly woman from my old building that I use see often in the laundry room. We’d have a friendly chat every time I was doing laundry. She was seventy years old, but looked very youthful for her age. She told me how many major surgeries she had and how much therapy she’s gone through, which amazed me. You could never tell by her appearance. There was a new machine put in to use to load up money onto your “laundry card”  and she asked me if I could assist her with using the machine. She told me that she doesn’t use the machine. I found that amusing, considering it’s the only option available to put money on your card. As she handed me her bank card I thought to myself, she uses a bank card and there wasn’t always bank cards back in the day, yet she refuses to use this machine to load her laundry card, which is the same concept as a bank card….Well, I thought to myself, I guess she wasn’t willing to adapt to that change lol….I just wanted to share that story with you, I hope you took something out of it 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Fatherless Father’s Day…..

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I called my dad today at 8:00am sharp. I didn’t want to forget to wish him a Happy Father’s day. When he answered the phone, I could sense he thought it was going to be bad news, I have a unique connection with my dad. I immediately said, “Good morning Dad, I’m just calling you to say Happy Father’s Day.” He responded graciously, and he sounded relieved as well lol. I found it amusing because he is not used to receiving a Father’s Day call from any of his children. I just started calling my father for Father’s Day last year. If you keep up with my blogs, you’ll understand that aspect of our relationship. I told him that I would’ve brought him out for lunch, or bought him a present of some sort if I was down there with him.  He said in a low voice, “Your phone call is enough……” and it made me feel good to hear that. We both laughed about the fact that “Father’s Day” is not considered as important as “Mother’s Day” and he said he almost forgot it was Father’s Day, until I called lol. We have a similar nature/sense of humour, I know I get that from him…..He told me about his plans for the day, he explained to me that his hair has been “growing out” very big, and he just might cut it today. He continued telling me that he is not used to having a beard and all of this hair, because usually he keeps a clean face. As I listened to him, I realized that I have never heard my father talk about his hair before…..I told him that I have seen photos of him when he was younger and had the big afro, I even saw the photo of him with my mother when they were in their twenties. My cousin had got a hold of some old photos of him and sent them to me years ago. As he continued speaking I listened attentively, while thinking to myself, I know this man, but don’t……He told me he was going on the road to do a few things and he may pick a mango on the way, he explained how the  mango trees are in Jamaica, and that I’d love them, the freedom to pick a ripe mango whenever you want. He was telling me that if and when I come to Jamaica, I may never want to leave, and that it was my true home, people will treat me well when I come…..I have heard him say this before, but this time it was different, because last week I had told my father that I would not be travelling to Jamaica until some “unfinished business” was handled by his  other children, and that I am tired of having to deal with  all that was put on me by my siblings since mom passed away. I meant what I said, but I also can understand and empathize with my father simply wanting to see me in person…..

I felt the need to tell him that when I was younger, I used to make him Father’s Day cards in class, just to make them…..I didn’t think about how I was going to  get the card to him, I just made it  because it was Father’s Day…..He responded by telling me that he’s kept ALL of the drawings I ever did. I don’t think he can understand what that felt like for me, he grew up with a stand-up father who took great care of his wife and children. As a child, “Father’s Day” can be awkward and kind of shameful to a Fatherless child…..

I remember that one kid in my class, who’s father passed away recently, he made a Father’s Day card along with me, and I thought to myself, he doesn’t even have a father anymore, I wonder what that feels like…..

#HappyFathersDay

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A Pound of Prevention…..

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Some people in my life have called me an”old soul”, some have said I “overthink”…..I had to look up the word, “overthink” to confirm if it  is a real word, well it is lol, and I’m okay with that title, but at one point I took it very personal if I was told that…..I have accepted that I have a tendency to overthink, except now, I’ve reserved it for situations that it’s needed. I found a new love and appreciation for my “overthinking” because it’s helped me navigate through challenging situations and come out okay in the end.

I feel that many “sticky” situations in life could be prevented by simply thinking twice BEFORE you do what your first instinct is. But it wasn’t always that way. I had  to train myself to balance my logic&emotions, even in times where my emotions wanted to take over…..There’s been several occasions where a bad situation didn’t turn to worse because I didn’t allow it to…..

My overthinking has helped to prevent altercations/fights from breaking out or continuing…..I didn’t get the last word when I felt I deserved to have it. I stood strong as a drunken verbal attack from a loved one almost provoked me to say words that I knew I could never take back once they left my lips…..I want you to know that in the angry moment, I felt overthinking was making me feel like a fool, because I actually wanted to go off of my first instinct, which was to defend myself without regarding the consequence. I am not perfect. The satisfaction I feel when I look back at how  a situation could’ve panned out had I not thought it through, even for a five seconds, the consequences would’ve been worse to live with. Cutting my loses and using my brain, being the one to back down, are all encompassed in my “Pound of Prevention.” I give credit to the quote that inspired my blog title. Respect to Benjamin Franklin.

I always loved that saying…..I used to wonder how that saying could be missed by many. It makes so much sense to me…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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I have been Tested…..

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I have been Tested…..

An argument with my sibling almost tempted me to revert back to my angry defensive ways…Back when I didn’t know my limits, when I expected more out of people, especially those who I share the same DNA as me….Yelling in my face, threatening to “beat me up” won’t move me….I am beyond the petty immature behaviour. I wouldn’t back down from my stance. This has happened before in the past, when we were younger, but we are not little kids anymore. We are full grown adults, and I had to defend myself, without being violent. I had to remind myself that I’ve come to far to go back into that childish behaviour….I don’t even feel the need to prove myself or argue my point, however I will defend myself without hesitation. That’s the “new” me that “they” aren’t used to yet…. I know I am right, because I’ve been through it for years….All of the confrontations brought to me became easier to deal with, to get past…Like a video game that I’ve played a hundred times, and now know the levels, what to expect at each “Level”….I built courage in myself while coping mom’s passing, moving forward and building my adult path, deciding were I wanted to live, what I wanted to do with my time, what type of people I would put myself around…..Everything changed at once, all of my bonds, what I was used to,  were literally was removed from my life….I chose to accept that having stones thrown at me, was worth the pain if I was going to be true to myself…..

I have been Tested, and I’m even sharper for the next one that comes around.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Feeling Content Vs. Happiness…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 5 Comments

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend the other day regarding “Happiness.” The conversation didn’t start off about happiness, it was about negativity. I have been speaking on some of the negative things that have been affecting my moods lately. I tend to be a positive thinking person and I try not to complain, especially about “small” stuff, but I’ve been going off lately about some things that I feel are unjust….That I feel should have changed by now, things I’ve tried to change, things I’ve put effort into in the past hoping would’ve changed by now…People in my life who I consider to be loved ones, that are not behaving the way I expect them to towards me. I’ve been feeling frustrated and my friend has patiently listened. She told me that I become angry when I speak about these things, and that I’m letting it affect me and affect my life. I agreed with her on that, but I felt misunderstood. She said to me that, she’s “Never seen me happy,” which I took offence to, because I consider myself a fairly happy person. I’m not a complainer or a negative person by any means, nor do I walk around frowning all day. The comment my friend made bothered me, but there was a deeper reason why. I started to think about how I view true happiness in life, and the way I may be perceived by others. My happiness may come off different because I’m more “content” than happy, and I believe that happiness is a by-product of being content. So no matter how I feel, my emotions good or bad , I still feel balanced. Not broken, pretty content,  A-Okay…..

I looked up the definition of “Content” and the word happiness was included in one example of the definition. I swear that this is the first time that I have ever looked up the definition of that word. I am pleased that the definition included “happiness,” because it helps prove that what I’m about to say, is logical. I hold the words my mother (RIP) said to me years ago before I moved out on my own. I was complaining to her about something, telling her how tired I was of feeling this way and that I just wanted to be “happy” and she told me that I should strive to be “content” instead. She explained that trying to be “happy” all time may leave me feeling disappointed more often when things don’t go my way. At first I thought, hmmm, isn’t that kind of negative? Why wouldn’t you just try to be happy? Then it really sank in. I understood her point; Striving for constant “happiness” is unrealistic because it is impossible to feel happy in very instance in life. Practising how to be content can help you appreciate life more because your expectations aren’t always set so high for perfection. This philosophy has helped me navigate my adult years much easier. For example, I don’t feel the need to purchase items at the mall in order to feel better about myself, or “happier” on a gloomy day. When I hear people say that they shop for “therapy” I think to myself, you must have a lot of money to waste! lol

I have more examples to give, I feel that many people mistake “happiness” for something that it truly isn’t. So they are left trying to fill that void, acting ungrateful and  constantly looking for happiness in all the wrong places…..

 

I’m going to touch more on this topic in another blog, stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Two Types of Tired…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t posted in a while, I meant to, it’s just I haven’t had the chance to complete my thoughts. I’ve been working on this blog for a week, adding to it day by day….I was honestly too tired to complete it, and I don’t feel proud to admit that I was too tired to write…..

I’ve been working from home on my laptop for the last  three weeks attending virtual training class. I’ve been learning a lot, and although the hours are long to be sitting at a computer, I don’t mind it. I enjoy the learning process and interacting with the other students is fun as well, but sitting in front of a computer screen for seven hours plus is not easy. If your occupation requires you to sit at a computer all day, it’s difficult for the body to stay alert and concentrate. I was falling asleep the other day, but I was hearing everything going on, taking in everything that was being said. When I woke up from the minutes of slumber, I was able to apply the information and follow the instructions that were given by the teacher, so I wasn’t technically sleeping, but I wasn’t awake either…..I didn’t like the way I felt, so I decided to take a nap on my lunch break. I set my alarm for an hour, and went to sleep…..I was woken up by a text message alert from my friend, and I noticed the time on my phone and saw it was an hour past my time to wake up…..I was horrified!!! My alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to, I had overslept and now I was going to have to explain this to my trainer. I was worried that I may possibly be kicked out of the class. I contemplated making up an excuse, lying, so I would not have to admit that I overslept. I thought about it, and then messaged my trainer and explained what happened…..He told me it was okay, and I was allowed to join the class. I was relieved, and felt silly for freaking out.

The times in my life that I felt the most tired was not from lack of sleep. It was from worrying, being hard on myself, overthinking, stressing out, and dealing with others negative energy…..Getting eight hours of sleep everyday could not cure those influences. I’ve learned that there are two types of tired; 1. Feeling emotionally tired 2. Feeling physically tired. In order for me to be able to keep myself healthy, I diagnose myself by acknowledging which type of tired I am when I am  feeling very tired. A few years ago I was seeing my doctor regularly because I was experiencing “blacking out” on a regular basis everyday after coming home from the  commute to work. The bus ride was four hours in total, and combined with working, I was left literally beat. My doctor questioned me and checked me out to find out if there may be another health issue contributing to this problem. She eventually concluded that I was simply doing “too much” and I had to change my lifestyle ASAP. I told her that I was handling many things on my own in addition to taking care of myself, but I had no other choice. I was still trying to deal with the messy aftermath of my mother’s passing…..She replied by stating to me that regardless of the reasons, I have to take care of myself and my “frame” can’t take the pressure I’m putting on myself. I 100% agreed with her and understood, yet I was apprehensive to actually follow her orders. I felt I wasn’t doing enough, and that I didn’t deserve to take it easy. I had to digest everything that was said to me and woke up the next day with a new perspective……I promised myself that I would not sacrifice sleep for anything, I will try to get at least five hours of sleep regardless of what’s going on in my life, and I will adjust everything else in my life to suit my overall health.

Sleep is more important to me for my inner and outer beauty than any outfit, make-up, jewellery….And I don’t like that tired feeling in my face when I don’t get sleep. I feel heavy and I don’t like the look in my eyes, it’s beyond beauty, I don’t like to look into my eyes and see a drained zombie looking back at me. That’s another reason why my I keep track of my “tiredness.” I know I can’t avoid being tired, but I do have the power to manage it the best way I know how.

It’s 5:00am now, I’m off to bed now, Take care and Enjoy your day 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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The Value of Friendship, Continued…..

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I was in the midst of writing another blog, but something came up that I felt was necessary to share with you. If you keep up with my blogs, then you probably read the blog where I spoke on very disturbing news from an old friend, who I’ve known for over fifteen years. I received an unexpected phone call from him , I thought I’d never hear from him again. The last time we spoke, I made it clear that I did not want to talk to this person again, due to the unhealthy pattern that was developing, me becoming angry and frustrated.

Well, in the time since that blog was posted, there hasn’t been any progress or change in the situation. I tried to be as supportive as I could and be an ear when he needed one, I also tried to encourage him to talk to his doctor, since  he told  me that the doctor asked him if he actually talks to anybody about his feelings…..The doctor informed him that stress and anger will have a toxic effect on his already worsening condition, so talking to somebody, getting his issues off of his chest is imperative to his health. He chose to share this information with me…..I didn’t ask him. He told  me that the medication he was taking was giving him side effects that he couldn’t handle. He said he didn’t want to be stuck “taking pills” forever…..I listened and understood where he was coming from, however, I didn’t know why he was telling me so many details about this…..I cared, but he wasn’t taking care of his health regardless of the medication. He was continuing to drink alcohol on a daily basis, which was the original reason why I stayed away from him, it put a strain on our friendship for years. I couldn’t stand by and watch him slowly poison himself, so I asked him to please stop calling me because I had run out of things to say about this situation, I had run out of patience , pretending as though I wasn’t fed up, tired and slightly disgusted.

I came to the conclusion that my words were not as important to him as they were to me. I meant every word I said and every offer I gave to support was sincere. The years I gave my attention, my concern, and my dedication to his issue had left me nearly speechless.

I would hope my friends would be be there for me if I was going through a severe health issue but I thought that a “real” friend was supposed to try to help prevent you from going down a dangerous path. A path that may lead you to an early death…..The previous hospital scare got to me, I thought about how I would’ve handled the news, had he not came out okay and passed away that night…..I was still dealing with the dysfunctional aftermath of my mother’s passing…..If I am a “real” friend, then shouldn’t loyalty be the be TOP priority??? That’s what I feel, that’s how I’ve always operated. Loyalty  is what makes a friend an actual friend. Without that component, your friend may as well be called an “acquaintance” who you happen to spend time with. I’m learning and coming to the sad reality that the value of friendship, the definition to me is different than how most define it. I feel it’s sacred to be able to maintain a friendship for years and years, and be able to help each other PROGRESS in life. I do not feel it is okay to be a quiet spectator in watching a person slowly destroy them self. How can I be loyal to you, if I  help  to enable you to hurt yourself. I can’t just sit on the phone and chat away to help you pass the time away as you push yourself into passing away…..That rhymed by accident, lol, but I meant every word of it, and that sums up what I told him. There’s more I’d like to say  on this topic, but I will save it for another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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On a Constant Quest for Closure…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

I remember seeing my father leave, and thinking he was coming back, expecting him to come back, since he always did. The time that he was gone seemed to go by fast, and when he returned, it was almost like he never left, until one day I realized that I hadn’t seen him for a long time…..It was longer than usual……But I didn’t ask my mother where he was…I never questioned where my dad was, why he was gone, or when he was coming back. I went about life as though he wasn’t even gone. I distinctly remembered the last words “I will get it for you…..” I had been asking for a my little pony for weeks, I wasn’t the type of child who constantly asked for toys, so he reassured me that he didn’t forget. I felt happy and excited in anticipation of my toy, then I fell asleep……

The next time I saw him was at a jail visit with my family. He looked funny behind the glass, as I saw him walk out in a strange blue two piece cotton suit with strange flat shoes….His hair looked……different. I had never seen my father look that way before…He looked like my father, but something was missing…I was confused. It was my turn to speak to him on that telephone cord thing, that I found to be an interesting, contraption…..I didn’t understand why I had to speak to him on it, and behind glass…..I noticed the officer man on the wall standing behind him. He was watching my father as he spoke to me. I found the whole experience awkward and unnatural, yet I was glad I was able to see him…..

As we were leaving the facility many thoughts were running through my mind….1. Why did I have to be “dressed up” to go in that place? 2. Why was the visit so short? 3. Why did we have to talk to him behind glass? 4. Why is this place so far away from the city? 5.  Why are there so many rocks on this road with no sidewalk??…..

My first visit to a prison was unforgettable. I was aware of what it was but there were so many whys that I was curious about, that needed to be answered…..My father was not a bad person, he never hurt me, so why was he there??? Why did he have to talk to me behind glass on a phone???…..

I wanted answers, but I didn’t feel the desire to ask my mother for some reason…..I felt as though this should have been explained to me, but my gut told me that there was a reason why my mother didn’t speak on it. I kept these questions to myself, I didn’t speak on them  with my siblings…..I just pondered…..

The events that lead up to that day weren’t erased from my mind, I knew bad things continued to happen, I was witness to them. I understood my dad had been in trouble with the law but I was a child, and my innocence was beginning to wear thin…..I wanted straight answers, but didn’t feel I had the right to ask about this new situation. It was  one of the experiences I’ve had that contributed to my deep rooted issue with closure.….There’s more to come…..Stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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