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That “Home” Feeling (Part 1)…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been  away from home for over a few weeks now, due to the immense flood damage but it already feels as long as a month. I am very grateful and blessed to have a roof over my head, and everything I need. I was meaning to post a blog last week, I wrote then stopped, over and over again…..I just couldn’t get into my writing groove…..Being uprooted affected me more that I expected. After finally sleeping a decent amount, I jotted down my thoughts:

This place has everything my apartment had, with a few extras…..I don’t own a large flat screen tv, I don’t have need for one, but it’s cool that I’m able to watch one now. I’m not too far from home, I’m about 20 minutes up the road, yet I feel so far away…..The leather couch is very comfy and I fall asleep at a drop of a dime, the view is beautiful, overlooking the central part of the city, and the extravagant mall that I rarely shop at…..The decor is stylish, very spiffy…..There’s security and a doorman which I’ve dreamed of having for as long as I can remember, folks can’t just walk in like in my other building….I bet the people who live here feel safe, everyday…..I haven’t seen a police cruiser anywhere near these condos…..I’d never expect to be staying in a place like THIS at this point in my life, especially under these circumstances….. Wow….Life is a trip…..

The fact that after only nine months I managed to make my new place feel like home, gave me a sense of pride, I’m proud of myself…..Now leaving has stirred up all types of emotions in me that I had to come to grips with. I felt as though I was in a stage of mourning. I went back to pick up some items and saw the place is torn up from the floors to the walls…I thought to myself, “Damn…MY place!!!,” but it wasn’t exactly the apartment itself being damaged that was really getting to me. It was the comfort and feeling that I created for myself, that “safe” place that I’d yearned for so long…..Now I have to start all over again…..Smh…..

Memories came back from my childhood of  being homeless, living in shelters, and having to leave home over and over again….That was the way life was after our nice house was raided by the police…..I’m going to get more into this in my next blog…Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Asking for Help, Part 2…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

(Continuing)

…..I know it’s unwarranted that I feel ashamed to ask for help when I really need it, and that familiar fear of being judged creeps up and then I’m back to that place, sinking into quick sand…..

I plan ahead waaaaay too much, because I want to make sure that I’ll never be in a position where I’ll have to ask for help…..I know that’s illogical, but it’s the easiest way for me to feel I have control, which of course I don’t…..If I prepare myself as much as possible for NOTHING to go wrong, nothing will, right? That is what I tell myself but when life happens, I’m brought back to reality very quickly, that I do NOT have control over everything around me, things WILL happen…..

I was rudely awakened by a flood in my apartment a few days ago. It was midnight when I felt a pool of water under my feet as I sat down in my living room. I was alarmed when  more and more water was spilling out quickly from an unknown place…..I discovered where it was coming from and phoned my landlord to report the problem. The water heater had a leak or something, we weren’t 100 percent sure, but I followed instructions, shut off whatever valve etc. I was  calm, cool and collected as I watched the water flood out into my living room and beyond…..There wasn’t much more I could do than attempt to soak it up with whatever I had…There wasn’t much we could do until morning, business hours…I wasn’t going to panic and make the situation any worse for my landlord as well, and she thanked me for that. I tend to be calmer than usual through emergency situations…In my mind I was picturing people who’ve suffered flooding, the aftermath of  hurricanes…But I was relieved the water was somewhat contained….Ironically my father called me from Jamaica and informed me that he was preparing for hurricane, so it was on heart….I thought WOW, this really sucks, but it could be WORSE…..

I barely slept and by the wee hours of morning around 5am, the water had reached further throughout my apartment, creeping underneath my bedroom door. It was very bad, and I decided to inform my upstairs neighbours by text, telling them what about the flooding/water heater issue. I felt they had the right to know, since it will affect them too, but  I didn’t want to burden them or make them worry about a problem that they couldn’t solve. They came downstairs ASAP to assist me with trying to contain the water, and we worked tirelessly for 3 hours with all types of supplies to soak up/drain as much water as we could until technicians arrived. We had a great conversation about life situations, and the irony that it happened to be their day off , and they had other plans, but their top priority was to help me…..We worked as a team, harmoniously and managed to clean up ALL of the water which looked like a MIRACLE!

I  expressed to my neighbours, while I thanked them, that I was very apprehensive to ask for help when I initially saw the flooding. They said they’d feel the same way if they were in my shoes. They appreciated the fact that I promptly  informed them of the problem, especially for safety reasons…..I felt extra blessed  that I received the help I needed, and didn’t expect, in one of the WORST predicaments I’ve ever been in by myself…..

At this point, I’m dealing with the aftermath of the flood which is taxing, but I feel that I’m almost over my fear of asking for help….I’m still working on it 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Asking for Help, Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I try to be open and available to my family and friends, if and when they need me for anything, anytime, anywhere. I would never want them to feel uncomfortable coming to me for help, regardless of what type of help they need. I had an urgent situation come up a few days ago and I needed help, but didn’t know how/who to ask …..I don’t have t0o much pride to ask, it’s just that I feel very uncomfortable having to say that I’m having a problem, that I can not handle myself…..The fear of not being in control is one of my biggest fears, biggest vices, it’s like a demon that haunts me. I also fear being judged, since I’ve overcame so much over the past five years. I feel as though they might assume I don’t really need the help, that I can handle it on my own. I have a fear of not being considered a “priority” which stems from my upbringing, trying to stay out of the way and not be a burden…..

So many scenarios run through my mind, and I anticipate who wouldn’t be able to help me, and how they’d possibly react to me even asking, before I made any phone calls at all…..I felt vulnerable and insecure, not because I thought they wouldn’t want to help, but because I didn’t want them to worry about me, or add any more stress to their lives than they are already going through….Everyone seems to be struggling through their worst times, at the same time, when it rains it POURS…..

I think to myself, “You’re on your own” that’s it. Deal with it….But that doesn’t solve the problem, and I feel like I’m sinking in quick sand and want somebody to voluntarily pull me out, without me asking…..There shouldn’t be shame in asking for help, and feeling that way is the bigger problem……

I will continue on this topic in another blog. Stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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I’m not supposed to Yell?!…..

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Back in elementary school,  I was repeatedly told by my teachers that I need to speak up, and speak louder…..This annoyed and frustrated me, because I was speaking as loud as I could…..At least I thought so…..I remember my favourite teacher telling me that I had a “low, soft” voice, and because of that it was difficult to hear me. The truth is, I did have a low, soft voice but, I was also very shy…..And I stuttered, BADLY (which I’ll get more into in another blog lol) so speaking up felt impossible. I’d try to go unnoticed in class. I’d know the answer  and not put my hand up, but of course that didn’t work. I’d push the words out to appease my teacher, and was exhausted afterwards. Speaking up when necessary, was something I had to work on. By the time I completed speech therapy in fourth grade, I found confidence and strength in my words. I was relieved, and was excited to participate in class, raising my hand as much as I could, I was loving it…..

It’s not in my nature to speak up, but you’d never know it if you spoke to me now lol. I am unapologetic for speaking up, speaking my mind, and addressing any situation that I feel needs to be addressed. I feel I’ve earned my right to speak up, which is a funny way of putting it, but it’s exactly how I feel. Although I’m not considered “old” yet, I feel I’ve wasted so many years feeling trapped in box, unable to express myself the way I needed to. If you’ve suffered from severe cases of shyness, or had a speech impediment, you may identify with this. Sometimes I feel that I’m making up for lost time. Unfortunately, I’ve surprised/disappointed many loved ones, and people who “thought” they knew me, when I’ve raised my voice, even at the slightly.  They didn’t expect me to sound the way I do. I have had several arguments/verbal altercations and I would not back down, dumb down my point,  or lower my voice, and I do NOT enjoy arguing or fighting…I never did. I’ve chosen to stick to my guns, and take the risk of how I come off…But I will apologize if it’s warranted…..I’m aware that stress, the messy drama after mom’s passing, coupled with the fact that I haven’t accomplished the closure I’ve yearned for after all these years, has pushed me to “go there”. I’ve yelled more in the last five years than I EVER have,  I don’t feel proud to admit that, but I’m also unashamed. I’ve always tried NOT to yell, and it would take a lot to get me to that point. I know for a fact that raising my voice and yelling has actually helped me relay important messages, and they were received! Strangely enough.

I understand the difference between “speaking up” and yelling, regardless of how you sound you may be received differently/negatively, depending on whether or not a person WANTS to hear you…Or listen. That’s what I’ve learned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Playing Catch Up…..

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I had a  co-worker who  was one of the most miserable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to be around, but I wasn’t allowed to move to different cubicle, which I requested from my supervisor lol. I’d do my best not to cringe or be rude as she would constantly complain about what she didn’t have compared to all her friends. I tried to suggest a positive way to look at the situation, but that didn’t help. She would go on and on about how her friends have houses, are married, and are living the “good life.” It was annoying, and very irritating. From what I heard, her boyfriend works very hard as an entrepreneur running a few business, she lives in one of the best areas of the city in a beautiful condo that many would wish to live in…..Why not appreciate that?… Until you get everything else you want? I don’t get it…..Smh…..

So, I call this  playing “Catch Up,” trying to stay in line, equal to everyone around you in life, and making sure you don’t fall beneath “their” standard. It’s hard enough staying afloat in this society, making sure you “look the part” regardless of how much your struggling, or how exhausted and stressed out you may be from work/life. I’ll admit I’ve felt the shame of feeling behind my peers and some of my relatives. I took a different route than them, I didn’t have many options at the time, but I ended up where I was supposed to be in life. I didn’t feel good about myself because I thought I missed some steps…..But I actually didn’t, because the lessons learned in the meantime fed  my self confidence, and I grew a thicker skin…..

Playing catch up with others is silly…..you will NEVER catch up with them, it just isn’t possible. Life is not designed that way, everybody has their own set of problems and challenges…You’d be surprised at what their really going through, in order to stay “ahead” of the game, so just do you and stay in your lane!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Sugar & Bad Habits…..

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Sweets are my  weakness, always have been. I have a sweet tooth and I’m a choc-o-holic. Some of my fondest childhood memories are going to the store with my siblings and carefully choosing an assortment of candies that we would share. Sometimes we’d even make a list and the trip took long lol, it was very fun. We didn’t have sugary snacks in our reach, my mother made sure of it. She would hide them away from us in her room and sometimes we’d sneak into her room and take them out. One time we all woke up  in the middle of the night and snuck into the kitchen, climbed up on chairs, and  ate bags and bags of marshmallows…..I ended up falling off the chair, chipping a tooth, having a bad stomach ache, and receiving punishment, but still this is one of my siblings and I’s favourite memories. I associate that memory with a feeling of safety and comfort, because my parents were together at that time and we lived in a nice comfortable house and a positive environment…..

Gaining  an understanding of my “bad habits” and where they come from, is a part of maintaining good health, and I’ve curbed my sweet tooth a lot….Candy brings me comfort, because it reminds me of a nice time from my childhood. I realized the other day while eating a bag of peanut M&M’s, that I only buy them when I’m feeling uncertain about something, or stressed out. I thought to myself, I’m already tired of these…Why am I eating them??? 

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Stress & Selflessness…..(Part 1)

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Being that I was raised by a single mother who always put her children before herself, there were times I’d feel guilty when I had to ask her for something simple that most children wouldn’t think twice about asking for. I would even hesitate to knock on her bedroom door to ask if she could sign my permission slip for school, I didn’t want to disrupt her because I knew she was exhausted from a long day of taking care of  all of us. I wondered how one person could do so much in their day, and still be available to help everyone around her. I couldn’t fathom  how one little 5’4 lady  had so much energy to share, and I used to jokingly ask her if she was really human, she seemed unreal to me…..My mother’s example taught me what selflessness was, and it set the bar high for what I expected out of others. I thought this is how all people are, but that notion dissolved quickly as I grew up…..

In a society that teaches “Me” and “I” comes first, putting your time and energy into another without expecting anything in return, in my opinion, is rare. But now that I’m grown, I do see why it’s a rarity, because one can only take so  much and give so much…Unfortunately people who constantly give, have higher expectations put on them from others. As the anniversary of my mother’s passing approaches, every year since her passing I reminisce about the “little” things she did for us, and the kind, giving spirit she had. She never complained or showed any signs of discontent through all the years, but obviously she was under immense amounts of stress and pressure, and that’s what eventually contributed to her untimely death…..

I’m going to dig deeper into this topic in my next blog, stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Closing Doors…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I had a small case of writers block the last few days,  it’s taken me a few times to come back and complete this blog. I’ve been feeling slightly agitated and anxious, so it’s been difficult for me to write…..

I’ve been feeling incredibly frustrated due to family/personal issues, which almost caused me  to close up and go into my “shell” so to say. This was a habit I used to have, and I’ve tried my best not to revert back to it.

Years ago my friend told me that I’m “closing doors” on people who care about me. Hearing this hurt me, because I didn’t think I was doing that…..I was keeping to myself, trying to protect myself. I was still dealing with the crazy aftermath of mom’s sudden passing, I felt alone and exhausted. I attempted to explain this to my friend but my reason didn’t hold up, so I listened….

He told me that I’m closing doors for myself, and closing doors on people who actually care about me. I was thinking, do I really?? He said, ” You need to forget those people who are not supporting you. F em! We’re all here waiting for you, there’s doors open for you, people willing to help and support you, but you’re turning your back on us.” I thought to myself, I am doing that. He’s right…..

The only reason I closed up is because  felt I wasn’t being heard, and that wasn’t fair on my part, because the friends and family who were hearing me were being locked out. I almost allowed my other relationships to suffer or possibly disintegrate for people who are simply not worth my time…..Closing doors may happen by accident, it’s unintentional, but the time wasted worrying about the wrong people may cost you, those doors may close on you,  and when  you  try to open them, they may be locked for good.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Please, Don’t Shoot The Messenger…..

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…..Why do people always shoot the messenger???

The messengers purpose is to send a message, so why not just LISTEN and take it in? I just don’t get it! As I learn and grow older I see this more and more. It’s  frustrating and annoying because messages that should be delivered are not, due to a fear of backlash. I’ve held my tongue at times for this reason. I just didn’t want to deal with it, and I have always spoken up, but it’s a little too much to take a blow for delivering a message that needs to be delivered. The messenger has to bear the bad news in both senses of the word. If anything, they should be appreciated, not shunned.

The mainstream news on television airs all sorts of horrendous stories, and it would be silly to blame the reporters for reporting it, but people tend to attack the messenger based on “what” they are unfortunately,  I hate to say it. It’s ridiculous. If you were walking down the street and a stranger told you there was a terrible car accident a block ahead and the road was closed off, you wouldn’t automatically dismiss their message based on their outward appearance, or your perception of them, right? You’d Thank them, take the message,  and continue walking…..

But I guess it’s easier to shoot the messenger than face the truth, but doing so doesn’t change the truth in the message.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Empathy for Others Experiences…..

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I’ll never forget the story a friend I met at camp told me about the manner in which she lost half of her family. She was born and raised in Spain and was of Spanish/Jamaican descent, but ended up in Canada due to losing her mother, therefore having to immigrate to Canada and live with her father. She told me that she watched helplessly as her mother and a few of her brothers drown in a flood in Spain. I listened in horror and was speechless. We were teenagers, and I couldn’t imagine losing my mother, much less half of my siblings…..I noticed the way she spoke of her fear of  water, going into lakes/swimming pools, and never learning how to swim because of it…..This made me look back at my experience with swimming, that happened to be awkward. I grew up attending summer “sleep away camp” as a child, but never fully knew how to swim. Due to moving around so much, I consistently missed some of the swimming lesson’s provided by whatever school  I was going to. There was so much going on, I never had the opportunity to fully learn. I even remember getting the chicken pox literally the FIRST day of swimming lessons once we moved to our permanent address, something always came up. Since my mother was a single mother, she couldn’t afford proper lessons for us, it wasn’t a top priority…..

At camp, I felt embarrassed having to wear the bracelet you are required you to wear that indicated you were NOT allowed in the “Deep End.” I wasn’t afraid of the water, I knew how to float, how to kick , but I still didn’t fully know how to swim…..I felt a sense of shame, watching the other children play in the water…..

I eventually  learned how to swim, very well. I was enrolled in swimming lessons and passed with flying colours, but it took time to get over that insecurity. There were a lot of bad memories, life experiences that were attached to not learning how to swim. Missing out, constantly moving from place to place, because of our father’s mistakes….My friend’s experience helped me value and appreciate my experience dealing with swimming, which can be a source of shame for those who are passed a certain age and never learned to swim. She went through WAY worse than me, losing her mother and some of her siblings, never feeling safe enough to enjoy the water, and attempt to learn to swim…..Her story became a part of my life experience…..I couldn’t empathize enough.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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