I’m not supposed to Yell?!…..

Back in elementary school,  I was repeatedly told by my teachers that I need to speak up, and speak louder…..This annoyed and frustrated me, because I was speaking as loud as I could…..At least I thought so…..I remember my favourite teacher telling me that I had a “low, soft” voice, and because of that it was difficult to hear me. The truth is, I did have a low, soft voice but, I was also very shy…..And I stuttered, BADLY (which I’ll get more into in another blog lol) so speaking up felt impossible. I’d try to go unnoticed in class. I’d know the answer  and not put my hand up, but of course that didn’t work. I’d push the words out to appease my teacher, and was exhausted afterwards. Speaking up when necessary, was something I had to work on. By the time I completed speech therapy in fourth grade, I found confidence and strength in my words. I was relieved, and was excited to participate in class, raising my hand as much as I could, I was loving it…..

It’s not in my nature to speak up, but you’d never know it if you spoke to me now lol. I am unapologetic for speaking up, speaking my mind, and addressing any situation that I feel needs to be addressed. I feel I’ve earned my right to speak up, which is a funny way of putting it, but it’s exactly how I feel. Although I’m not considered “old” yet, I feel I’ve wasted so many years feeling trapped in box, unable to express myself the way I needed to. If you’ve suffered from severe cases of shyness, or had a speech impediment, you may identify with this. Sometimes I feel that I’m making up for lost time. Unfortunately, I’ve surprised/disappointed many loved ones, and people who “thought” they knew me, when I’ve raised my voice, even at the slightly.  They didn’t expect me to sound the way I do. I have had several arguments/verbal altercations and I would not back down, dumb down my point,  or lower my voice, and I do NOT enjoy arguing or fighting…I never did. I’ve chosen to stick to my guns, and take the risk of how I come off…But I will apologize if it’s warranted…..I’m aware that stress, the messy drama after mom’s passing, coupled with the fact that I haven’t accomplished the closure I’ve yearned for after all these years, has pushed me to “go there”. I’ve yelled more in the last five years than I EVER have,  I don’t feel proud to admit that, but I’m also unashamed. I’ve always tried NOT to yell, and it would take a lot to get me to that point. I know for a fact that raising my voice and yelling has actually helped me relay important messages, and they were received! Strangely enough.

I understand the difference between “speaking up” and yelling, regardless of how you sound you may be received differently/negatively, depending on whether or not a person WANTS to hear you…Or listen. That’s what I’ve learned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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