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Playing Catch Up…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I had a  co-worker who  was one of the most miserable people I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to be around, but I wasn’t allowed to move to different cubicle, which I requested from my supervisor lol. I’d do my best not to cringe or be rude as she would constantly complain about what she didn’t have compared to all her friends. I tried to suggest a positive way to look at the situation, but that didn’t help. She would go on and on about how her friends have houses, are married, and are living the “good life.” It was annoying, and very irritating. From what I heard, her boyfriend works very hard as an entrepreneur running a few business, she lives in one of the best areas of the city in a beautiful condo that many would wish to live in…..Why not appreciate that?… Until you get everything else you want? I don’t get it…..Smh…..

So, I call this  playing “Catch Up,” trying to stay in line, equal to everyone around you in life, and making sure you don’t fall beneath “their” standard. It’s hard enough staying afloat in this society, making sure you “look the part” regardless of how much your struggling, or how exhausted and stressed out you may be from work/life. I’ll admit I’ve felt the shame of feeling behind my peers and some of my relatives. I took a different route than them, I didn’t have many options at the time, but I ended up where I was supposed to be in life. I didn’t feel good about myself because I thought I missed some steps…..But I actually didn’t, because the lessons learned in the meantime fed  my self confidence, and I grew a thicker skin…..

Playing catch up with others is silly…..you will NEVER catch up with them, it just isn’t possible. Life is not designed that way, everybody has their own set of problems and challenges…You’d be surprised at what their really going through, in order to stay “ahead” of the game, so just do you and stay in your lane!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Sugar & Bad Habits…..

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Sweets are my  weakness, always have been. I have a sweet tooth and I’m a choc-o-holic. Some of my fondest childhood memories are going to the store with my siblings and carefully choosing an assortment of candies that we would share. Sometimes we’d even make a list and the trip took long lol, it was very fun. We didn’t have sugary snacks in our reach, my mother made sure of it. She would hide them away from us in her room and sometimes we’d sneak into her room and take them out. One time we all woke up  in the middle of the night and snuck into the kitchen, climbed up on chairs, and  ate bags and bags of marshmallows…..I ended up falling off the chair, chipping a tooth, having a bad stomach ache, and receiving punishment, but still this is one of my siblings and I’s favourite memories. I associate that memory with a feeling of safety and comfort, because my parents were together at that time and we lived in a nice comfortable house and a positive environment…..

Gaining  an understanding of my “bad habits” and where they come from, is a part of maintaining good health, and I’ve curbed my sweet tooth a lot….Candy brings me comfort, because it reminds me of a nice time from my childhood. I realized the other day while eating a bag of peanut M&M’s, that I only buy them when I’m feeling uncertain about something, or stressed out. I thought to myself, I’m already tired of these…Why am I eating them??? 

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Stress & Selflessness…..(Part 1)

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Being that I was raised by a single mother who always put her children before herself, there were times I’d feel guilty when I had to ask her for something simple that most children wouldn’t think twice about asking for. I would even hesitate to knock on her bedroom door to ask if she could sign my permission slip for school, I didn’t want to disrupt her because I knew she was exhausted from a long day of taking care of  all of us. I wondered how one person could do so much in their day, and still be available to help everyone around her. I couldn’t fathom  how one little 5’4 lady  had so much energy to share, and I used to jokingly ask her if she was really human, she seemed unreal to me…..My mother’s example taught me what selflessness was, and it set the bar high for what I expected out of others. I thought this is how all people are, but that notion dissolved quickly as I grew up…..

In a society that teaches “Me” and “I” comes first, putting your time and energy into another without expecting anything in return, in my opinion, is rare. But now that I’m grown, I do see why it’s a rarity, because one can only take so  much and give so much…Unfortunately people who constantly give, have higher expectations put on them from others. As the anniversary of my mother’s passing approaches, every year since her passing I reminisce about the “little” things she did for us, and the kind, giving spirit she had. She never complained or showed any signs of discontent through all the years, but obviously she was under immense amounts of stress and pressure, and that’s what eventually contributed to her untimely death…..

I’m going to dig deeper into this topic in my next blog, stay tuned.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Closing Doors…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I had a small case of writers block the last few days,  it’s taken me a few times to come back and complete this blog. I’ve been feeling slightly agitated and anxious, so it’s been difficult for me to write…..

I’ve been feeling incredibly frustrated due to family/personal issues, which almost caused me  to close up and go into my “shell” so to say. This was a habit I used to have, and I’ve tried my best not to revert back to it.

Years ago my friend told me that I’m “closing doors” on people who care about me. Hearing this hurt me, because I didn’t think I was doing that…..I was keeping to myself, trying to protect myself. I was still dealing with the crazy aftermath of mom’s sudden passing, I felt alone and exhausted. I attempted to explain this to my friend but my reason didn’t hold up, so I listened….

He told me that I’m closing doors for myself, and closing doors on people who actually care about me. I was thinking, do I really?? He said, ” You need to forget those people who are not supporting you. F em! We’re all here waiting for you, there’s doors open for you, people willing to help and support you, but you’re turning your back on us.” I thought to myself, I am doing that. He’s right…..

The only reason I closed up is because  felt I wasn’t being heard, and that wasn’t fair on my part, because the friends and family who were hearing me were being locked out. I almost allowed my other relationships to suffer or possibly disintegrate for people who are simply not worth my time…..Closing doors may happen by accident, it’s unintentional, but the time wasted worrying about the wrong people may cost you, those doors may close on you,  and when  you  try to open them, they may be locked for good.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Please, Don’t Shoot The Messenger…..

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…..Why do people always shoot the messenger???

The messengers purpose is to send a message, so why not just LISTEN and take it in? I just don’t get it! As I learn and grow older I see this more and more. It’s  frustrating and annoying because messages that should be delivered are not, due to a fear of backlash. I’ve held my tongue at times for this reason. I just didn’t want to deal with it, and I have always spoken up, but it’s a little too much to take a blow for delivering a message that needs to be delivered. The messenger has to bear the bad news in both senses of the word. If anything, they should be appreciated, not shunned.

The mainstream news on television airs all sorts of horrendous stories, and it would be silly to blame the reporters for reporting it, but people tend to attack the messenger based on “what” they are unfortunately,  I hate to say it. It’s ridiculous. If you were walking down the street and a stranger told you there was a terrible car accident a block ahead and the road was closed off, you wouldn’t automatically dismiss their message based on their outward appearance, or your perception of them, right? You’d Thank them, take the message,  and continue walking…..

But I guess it’s easier to shoot the messenger than face the truth, but doing so doesn’t change the truth in the message.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Empathy for Others Experiences…..

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I’ll never forget the story a friend I met at camp told me about the manner in which she lost half of her family. She was born and raised in Spain and was of Spanish/Jamaican descent, but ended up in Canada due to losing her mother, therefore having to immigrate to Canada and live with her father. She told me that she watched helplessly as her mother and a few of her brothers drown in a flood in Spain. I listened in horror and was speechless. We were teenagers, and I couldn’t imagine losing my mother, much less half of my siblings…..I noticed the way she spoke of her fear of  water, going into lakes/swimming pools, and never learning how to swim because of it…..This made me look back at my experience with swimming, that happened to be awkward. I grew up attending summer “sleep away camp” as a child, but never fully knew how to swim. Due to moving around so much, I consistently missed some of the swimming lesson’s provided by whatever school  I was going to. There was so much going on, I never had the opportunity to fully learn. I even remember getting the chicken pox literally the FIRST day of swimming lessons once we moved to our permanent address, something always came up. Since my mother was a single mother, she couldn’t afford proper lessons for us, it wasn’t a top priority…..

At camp, I felt embarrassed having to wear the bracelet you are required you to wear that indicated you were NOT allowed in the “Deep End.” I wasn’t afraid of the water, I knew how to float, how to kick , but I still didn’t fully know how to swim…..I felt a sense of shame, watching the other children play in the water…..

I eventually  learned how to swim, very well. I was enrolled in swimming lessons and passed with flying colours, but it took time to get over that insecurity. There were a lot of bad memories, life experiences that were attached to not learning how to swim. Missing out, constantly moving from place to place, because of our father’s mistakes….My friend’s experience helped me value and appreciate my experience dealing with swimming, which can be a source of shame for those who are passed a certain age and never learned to swim. She went through WAY worse than me, losing her mother and some of her siblings, never feeling safe enough to enjoy the water, and attempt to learn to swim…..Her story became a part of my life experience…..I couldn’t empathize enough.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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(Part 2) A Different Conversation…..

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I drank coffee tonight, I’m not a “coffee drinker” per se, but I went for a long walk, and for some reason I stopped off and grabbed a coffee…I have a lot on my mind lately and the coffee is keeping me up….

After I spoke to my father last night, I was sifting through everything he said to me…..There was so much information, so many memories that came back to me, so many questions that I finally had answers to. He was FINALLY staying on topic, addressing the issues, my complaints, my pain that I was expressing to him. I told him that I know there’s not much he can do to fix it, but I just wanted him to understand how tired I am from dealing with it alone. In my heart, I wanted him to say something, to speak up for me, defend me…..I wanted help, so I could complete the “unfinished business” that I intended on finally putting to rest years ago. My father started to open up in a way he hadn’t before and began to explain what he’s observed from afar. He told me that he’s noticed behaviour that he couldn’t understand…..He said that he knows what’s going on, although he isn’t here, his instincts are telling him. Then he surprised me by  describing his relationship my other siblings, and that he’s made much effort, even more than he’s made with me to re-build what’s been broken…..He admitted his vices, and said he was hurt by the “hot and cold” treatment that he’s been receiving since mom’s passing…..He shared details of past events and family issues that I was aware of, but never fully understood the root of…..I was surprised at his candor, yet it was familiar, because he spoke open with me when I was a child, but now I am an adult. I was connecting with him on the pain we were experiences in dealing with trying to accomplish closure, while dealing with others anger.

What really got me, was hearing his take on his relationship and love for my mother. I’ve heard stories about them growing up together, the first time she saw him, their dating years, and some nice photos, but this was different…..I was hearing my father finally admit his guilt, his conscience weighing on him because of how he treated my mother. The fact that everyone knew she was an angel, and “too good” for him. I was touched…..I was speechless as I listened to him pour his heart out and confess…..

The next day he phoned me to Thank me for reaching out to him, yet again….I told him, “No problem Dad…..” I didn’t have much to say to that. I’ve been reaching out to him for years…..I learned so much about my father from that conversation, and it made me want to meet see him in person even more. I felt proud of myself for helping him open up and connect with me as an adult, a grown woman.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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The Explosion…..

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My friend called me from work to check in and see if I was okay. There has been a major explosion in the city I live in, near my area…..When I saw his number come up on my phone, I was immediately worried…..In the past, his phone calls have always seemed to bring about bad news. I answered reluctantly….When he asked me if I was okay, I was relieved because I thought something bad had happened to someone in my family, in his city.

When watching a tragedy like this on the news, it’s shocking, difficult to fathom what it would be like to be in THOSE people’s shoes. But when it happens near you,  of course, it’s different. It’s close to home, it could’ve been you…..

I told my friend that I live in a different area, that it didn’t happen near me, but it’s very close to where I live. After I found the news story on my phone, my mouth dropped….I couldn’t believe the site…..Beautiful homes now a pile of rubble in a “prominent” area…Nothing like this has ever happened in this city before….That I know of.

As I walked home from the store, I was thinking about how those people are feeling, what their going through…..We don’t experience tornadoes or earthquakes over here so this is  a rare an unusual occurrence. I thought to myself, while attempting to enjoy the remainder of the evening and nice weather. I took notice of the calm around me, folks walking their little dogs, riding their bikes, heading in and out of stores…..I thought, hmmmm this explosion happened a few blocks down from here, I wonder if anyone else is thinking what I’m thinking….It could’ve been ME…..

I haven’t been feeling well for the last few days, so I took the day off to rest. I felt renewed when I woke up. I tried to make the most of the day, and promised myself I’d get a little writing done and post a blog. I can honestly say that I count my blessings everyday, and simply feeling better today was a blessing.

I said Hi to my neighbours as I entered my place, and complimented them on how beautiful their garden is coming along. The nice, couple responded, “Thank you! We’re just trying to figure out where we should put this new plant we bought.” I looked at the little purple potted plant and smiled. My neighbours take such pride in their backyard…..I wonder if they wonder what it would be like to lose it, as the people a few blocks down from us have lost everything…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A Different Conversation with Dad…..

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I posted a blog on Father’s Day after having a brief conversation with my father. Since that day there has been a change, a shift in our relationship. I had another conversation with him since then, it was different than any other conversation we’ve had before. Because I haven’t seen him in person for so long, I try to express myself as much as I can, while taking him in and listening. It can be frustrating at times because he can not understand what it was like growing up because he was not there…..The whole time…Then he was gone for good. Letters and postcards, even “telegrams” were our connection. Phone calls can only go so far. I understand what it must be like for him to hear me say, “You don’t understand dad, you weren’t there to see…..” while trying to explain the extent to what’s been going on over here. I felt the need to share with him what HAS been going on over here lately…..I called him around 12:00am and apologized for calling so late, and he said, it’s okay, he expected a call. My father is intuitive by nature, and so am I. I tend to call him at the “right” times. I started telling him that the same fighting is starting back up again, the text message attacks, the uncouth behaviour, and craziness that never seems to end….After mom’s passing. I being the “odd man out” and choosing to go about my business, and stay as far away from it as possible have been targeted. I told him that I just want to get my closure and deal with the “unfinished business” and I can only take so much….. I WILL defend myself and I refuse to remain quiet. I’ve addressed the ROOT of the problem that has spiralled out of control and left me to fend for myself on family matters that I need and needed support to handle…..He told me to “stay strong” as he always has….I had to be honest with him…..I told him that I’m only human and there’s only so strong that I can be, there’s only so much one can take…..There was a long pause…..Then he finally began to open up, and what he said next was a BIG surprise to me…..It hit me, he is finally starting to GET it.

I just wanted to share that with you, I’ll continue in another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Adapting & Life…..

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I always questioned that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” because applying this to human beings doesn’t make sense since we are human beings, and adapting and changing is necessary for survival. Having to take on different problems and challenges in life is what makes life, life, right?

Elderly folks  fascinate me because  they have lived in times where life was very simple and  have made it through in these complicated times. They  are comfortable using technology, yet don’t allow it to “rule” them. They have adapted where they need to adapt, yet they could survive without it. That’s the best way to be in my opinion. Adapting when you need to. I remember an elderly woman from my old building that I use see often in the laundry room. We’d have a friendly chat every time I was doing laundry. She was seventy years old, but looked very youthful for her age. She told me how many major surgeries she had and how much therapy she’s gone through, which amazed me. You could never tell by her appearance. There was a new machine put in to use to load up money onto your “laundry card”  and she asked me if I could assist her with using the machine. She told me that she doesn’t use the machine. I found that amusing, considering it’s the only option available to put money on your card. As she handed me her bank card I thought to myself, she uses a bank card and there wasn’t always bank cards back in the day, yet she refuses to use this machine to load her laundry card, which is the same concept as a bank card….Well, I thought to myself, I guess she wasn’t willing to adapt to that change lol….I just wanted to share that story with you, I hope you took something out of it 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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