dawnlovelysays

Feeling Content Vs. Happiness…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 5 Comments

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend the other day regarding “Happiness.” The conversation didn’t start off about happiness, it was about negativity. I have been speaking on some of the negative things that have been affecting my moods lately. I tend to be a positive thinking person and I try not to complain, especially about “small” stuff, but I’ve been going off lately about some things that I feel are unjust….That I feel should have changed by now, things I’ve tried to change, things I’ve put effort into in the past hoping would’ve changed by now…People in my life who I consider to be loved ones, that are not behaving the way I expect them to towards me. I’ve been feeling frustrated and my friend has patiently listened. She told me that I become angry when I speak about these things, and that I’m letting it affect me and affect my life. I agreed with her on that, but I felt misunderstood. She said to me that, she’s “Never seen me happy,” which I took offence to, because I consider myself a fairly happy person. I’m not a complainer or a negative person by any means, nor do I walk around frowning all day. The comment my friend made bothered me, but there was a deeper reason why. I started to think about how I view true happiness in life, and the way I may be perceived by others. My happiness may come off different because I’m more “content” than happy, and I believe that happiness is a by-product of being content. So no matter how I feel, my emotions good or bad , I still feel balanced. Not broken, pretty content,  A-Okay…..

I looked up the definition of “Content” and the word happiness was included in one example of the definition. I swear that this is the first time that I have ever looked up the definition of that word. I am pleased that the definition included “happiness,” because it helps prove that what I’m about to say, is logical. I hold the words my mother (RIP) said to me years ago before I moved out on my own. I was complaining to her about something, telling her how tired I was of feeling this way and that I just wanted to be “happy” and she told me that I should strive to be “content” instead. She explained that trying to be “happy” all time may leave me feeling disappointed more often when things don’t go my way. At first I thought, hmmm, isn’t that kind of negative? Why wouldn’t you just try to be happy? Then it really sank in. I understood her point; Striving for constant “happiness” is unrealistic because it is impossible to feel happy in very instance in life. Practising how to be content can help you appreciate life more because your expectations aren’t always set so high for perfection. This philosophy has helped me navigate my adult years much easier. For example, I don’t feel the need to purchase items at the mall in order to feel better about myself, or “happier” on a gloomy day. When I hear people say that they shop for “therapy” I think to myself, you must have a lot of money to waste! lol

I have more examples to give, I feel that many people mistake “happiness” for something that it truly isn’t. So they are left trying to fill that void, acting ungrateful and  constantly looking for happiness in all the wrong places…..

 

I’m going to touch more on this topic in another blog, stay tuned…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Two Types of Tired…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t posted in a while, I meant to, it’s just I haven’t had the chance to complete my thoughts. I’ve been working on this blog for a week, adding to it day by day….I was honestly too tired to complete it, and I don’t feel proud to admit that I was too tired to write…..

I’ve been working from home on my laptop for the last  three weeks attending virtual training class. I’ve been learning a lot, and although the hours are long to be sitting at a computer, I don’t mind it. I enjoy the learning process and interacting with the other students is fun as well, but sitting in front of a computer screen for seven hours plus is not easy. If your occupation requires you to sit at a computer all day, it’s difficult for the body to stay alert and concentrate. I was falling asleep the other day, but I was hearing everything going on, taking in everything that was being said. When I woke up from the minutes of slumber, I was able to apply the information and follow the instructions that were given by the teacher, so I wasn’t technically sleeping, but I wasn’t awake either…..I didn’t like the way I felt, so I decided to take a nap on my lunch break. I set my alarm for an hour, and went to sleep…..I was woken up by a text message alert from my friend, and I noticed the time on my phone and saw it was an hour past my time to wake up…..I was horrified!!! My alarm didn’t go off when it was supposed to, I had overslept and now I was going to have to explain this to my trainer. I was worried that I may possibly be kicked out of the class. I contemplated making up an excuse, lying, so I would not have to admit that I overslept. I thought about it, and then messaged my trainer and explained what happened…..He told me it was okay, and I was allowed to join the class. I was relieved, and felt silly for freaking out.

The times in my life that I felt the most tired was not from lack of sleep. It was from worrying, being hard on myself, overthinking, stressing out, and dealing with others negative energy…..Getting eight hours of sleep everyday could not cure those influences. I’ve learned that there are two types of tired; 1. Feeling emotionally tired 2. Feeling physically tired. In order for me to be able to keep myself healthy, I diagnose myself by acknowledging which type of tired I am when I am  feeling very tired. A few years ago I was seeing my doctor regularly because I was experiencing “blacking out” on a regular basis everyday after coming home from the  commute to work. The bus ride was four hours in total, and combined with working, I was left literally beat. My doctor questioned me and checked me out to find out if there may be another health issue contributing to this problem. She eventually concluded that I was simply doing “too much” and I had to change my lifestyle ASAP. I told her that I was handling many things on my own in addition to taking care of myself, but I had no other choice. I was still trying to deal with the messy aftermath of my mother’s passing…..She replied by stating to me that regardless of the reasons, I have to take care of myself and my “frame” can’t take the pressure I’m putting on myself. I 100% agreed with her and understood, yet I was apprehensive to actually follow her orders. I felt I wasn’t doing enough, and that I didn’t deserve to take it easy. I had to digest everything that was said to me and woke up the next day with a new perspective……I promised myself that I would not sacrifice sleep for anything, I will try to get at least five hours of sleep regardless of what’s going on in my life, and I will adjust everything else in my life to suit my overall health.

Sleep is more important to me for my inner and outer beauty than any outfit, make-up, jewellery….And I don’t like that tired feeling in my face when I don’t get sleep. I feel heavy and I don’t like the look in my eyes, it’s beyond beauty, I don’t like to look into my eyes and see a drained zombie looking back at me. That’s another reason why my I keep track of my “tiredness.” I know I can’t avoid being tired, but I do have the power to manage it the best way I know how.

It’s 5:00am now, I’m off to bed now, Take care and Enjoy your day 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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The Value of Friendship, Continued…..

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I was in the midst of writing another blog, but something came up that I felt was necessary to share with you. If you keep up with my blogs, then you probably read the blog where I spoke on very disturbing news from an old friend, who I’ve known for over fifteen years. I received an unexpected phone call from him , I thought I’d never hear from him again. The last time we spoke, I made it clear that I did not want to talk to this person again, due to the unhealthy pattern that was developing, me becoming angry and frustrated.

Well, in the time since that blog was posted, there hasn’t been any progress or change in the situation. I tried to be as supportive as I could and be an ear when he needed one, I also tried to encourage him to talk to his doctor, since  he told  me that the doctor asked him if he actually talks to anybody about his feelings…..The doctor informed him that stress and anger will have a toxic effect on his already worsening condition, so talking to somebody, getting his issues off of his chest is imperative to his health. He chose to share this information with me…..I didn’t ask him. He told  me that the medication he was taking was giving him side effects that he couldn’t handle. He said he didn’t want to be stuck “taking pills” forever…..I listened and understood where he was coming from, however, I didn’t know why he was telling me so many details about this…..I cared, but he wasn’t taking care of his health regardless of the medication. He was continuing to drink alcohol on a daily basis, which was the original reason why I stayed away from him, it put a strain on our friendship for years. I couldn’t stand by and watch him slowly poison himself, so I asked him to please stop calling me because I had run out of things to say about this situation, I had run out of patience , pretending as though I wasn’t fed up, tired and slightly disgusted.

I came to the conclusion that my words were not as important to him as they were to me. I meant every word I said and every offer I gave to support was sincere. The years I gave my attention, my concern, and my dedication to his issue had left me nearly speechless.

I would hope my friends would be be there for me if I was going through a severe health issue but I thought that a “real” friend was supposed to try to help prevent you from going down a dangerous path. A path that may lead you to an early death…..The previous hospital scare got to me, I thought about how I would’ve handled the news, had he not came out okay and passed away that night…..I was still dealing with the dysfunctional aftermath of my mother’s passing…..If I am a “real” friend, then shouldn’t loyalty be the be TOP priority??? That’s what I feel, that’s how I’ve always operated. Loyalty  is what makes a friend an actual friend. Without that component, your friend may as well be called an “acquaintance” who you happen to spend time with. I’m learning and coming to the sad reality that the value of friendship, the definition to me is different than how most define it. I feel it’s sacred to be able to maintain a friendship for years and years, and be able to help each other PROGRESS in life. I do not feel it is okay to be a quiet spectator in watching a person slowly destroy them self. How can I be loyal to you, if I  help  to enable you to hurt yourself. I can’t just sit on the phone and chat away to help you pass the time away as you push yourself into passing away…..That rhymed by accident, lol, but I meant every word of it, and that sums up what I told him. There’s more I’d like to say  on this topic, but I will save it for another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Social Media Rants on “Loved Ones”…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I have witnessed some of the most malicious, immature, uncouth behaviour on social media expressed in written public posts by folks towards their own loved ones. Ever since social media became the “go to” place for daily basic communication, posting a 1000 character rant about an issue with a “loved one” has become the norm to see on any social media site. I cringe when I log into my account and glance at my feeds to see an open letter that addresses a person by name. Without warning, I am exposed to terrible descriptive language about somebody who I know, or in some cases don’t, but am now left with a negative impression of them….

I just finished having a conversation with a friend of mine about posting personal rants about loved ones on social media. She has done this time and time again, and I’ve told her I will NOT go and read them…I can’t support that. She shared with me her most recent rant/post. I told her that I would be sharing my thoughts on this in my blog, and use her situation as an example because I feel very strongly about this trend. I haven’t had anybody that I’m close with do it to me, but that could be because they know it’s a rule that I live by and have, since social media became mainstream. I would rather be yelled at or ranted to by a loved one, than read a page length rant by a loved one addressed to the WORLD. I truly don’t like it and it’s one of my pet peeves! I’ve told her before: Posting your personal thoughts and feelings about a loved one, will NOT remedy the problem you want to fix. It will only make your relationship  worse, and in addition, bring more people into that problem. But since there are two sides to every story, I will address both….

I listened to her reasoning behind posting a rant on her page about her boyfriend or now, “ex-boyfriend” who she hoped to be able to speak to, but of course these rants have pushed him further away and caused him and other people to block her on social media and in reality. She explained that she wanted to get her side of the story out, and make sure all their friends and family know that she’s NOT the wrong one…..Of course naturally, people tend to take the side of their relative, so that did not help…..I told her to write her feelings down to herself, before impulsively posting. I sympathize with the fact that she wanted to defend herself, however this is not the way to go about it. As a friend who tries to be as loyal as possible, I can not listen to the aftermath of what a new public post causes. So far, it has done nothing but alienate more relatives, friends and family. I told her, try waiting patiently and see what happens, instead of posting…..you may be surprised how quick things change…..

I remember  the good ole days of writing a letter on paper, passing off that letter and hoping…..It could mean the end of your relationship or could lead to resolving the problem. There were less options available for communication, so the wait, the awkward phone call, or the meet up, had to happen, or you wouldn’t be able to communicate at all…..

That’s all I have to say about that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Learning to Forgive&Let Go…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I’m sure you’ve heard before that it is healthy to forgive in order to move forward in life. Holding a grudge wastes a lot of energy, it’s emotionally draining. I used to be a champ at holding a grudge. I didn’t realize that by holding a grudge, I was feeding that grudge, which in turn was eating away at my soul…..

The part of the forgiveness that I’ve struggled with is, letting go. It was difficult for me, especially in my teenage years. I felt if I let go, then I would be forgetting what was done to me, and why it hurt me…..in a way, I held on in defence. I was very, very wrong. You can forgive, but you don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to dwell or hold a grudge either. I wish I would’ve exercised this earlier on in my life. I wasted years being angry inside that anger was affecting me in various ways, it was stifling me…..

Years ago I  watched  a TV program where a family of  a relative who was a murder victim  of a senseless act of  violence, publicly forgave the criminal convicted of taking the life of their loved one. A mother who lost her son due to a robbery that turned violent, chose to confront and speak to the convicted young man doing life in prison. I found this compelling. Listening to the mother stirred up all types of thoughts and emotions in me. Her words struck a chord in me. I couldn’t imagine speaking face to face with the one who took my loved one, and forgiving them face to face for that matter…..

I will never forget that program because it showed me another level of forgiveness that I had never thought about. It caused me to question myself on why I still had issues with releasing the last traces of anger left in me so I could at least speak to a person, to tell them, “I forgive you.” Forgiving a person who you know, who is close to you, can be difficult to do because seeing their face on a daily basis can be a constant reminder of disappointment. It would be impossible to completely forget what was done to you. The memory may never leave you. That being said, drawing up a new set of boundaries, and maintaining them, will help you move forward. Forgiving a person does not guarantee they will appreciate your forgiveness or even treat you better. Boundaries protect you from any further damage or disappointment. I will forgive and proceed with caution…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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What’s in an Apology? Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I was pleasantly surprised at an apology that I received the other day from my friend. Something was said to me weeks ago that offended me and slightly hurt my feelings. The apology came at the right time,  and it reinforced our friendship. I was not expecting that apology at that point in time, and it reminded me of why we are friends. We’ve had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years yet have always managed to maintain our friendship and talk openly about our difference of opinion. The debates we have often end up in heated arguments. It could be our because our zodiac signs clash, or we’re both stubborn and head strong. I have apologized in the past for any words/actions that I have done, as soon as I realize what I have said or done has been insulting. I do not allow my ego to get in the way of apologizing even when I know I was not all the way wrong…..

I have always found an apology to be a strange concept because, just because you apologize, doesn’t mean your sorry, and just because you don’t apologize doesn’t mean you’re NOT sorry. People apologize for the smallest things because  it’s just “polite” to do so. Being from Canada, I hear apologies on a daily basis from complete strangers. A person will apologize for simply brushing you lightly when walking by, or stepping in your way by accident, or not seeing you coming and closing the door on you instead of doing the normal 1o second hold…I love that about Canada…by the way…..

One of my favourite songs of all time is “I Apologize” by Anita Baker. The melodic sound and the lyrics touched me in my pre-teens. It sent an example by saying, “I knew I was wrong……” I KNEW I was WRONG. Admitting you are wrong is the most important part of an apology, simply acknowledging it and allowing those words to flow out of your mouth, can repair or revive a broken or damaged relationship. It can also strengthen a relationship as well. I remember taking in an apology from my ex-boyfriend from high school. We were all grown up when he apologized for something he did in his teens. I gave him the opportunity to apologize by meeting up with him at his request. After we talked, and he made his apology, I saw how much it meant to him to have me accept his apology. I grew a little inside that day, it helped me mature into real Adulthood.

I have lowered my expectations as I’ve grown older as to how and when I’ll accept an apology. The gesture itself holds more merit these days since “bad manners”  seem to be in style. An apology that is insincere from a person who has difficulty apologizing  means more than the actual words coming out of their mouth. I give them an A for effort :), however I will not put myself around anyone who refuses to acknowledge that an apology is necessary to open up the doors of healthy communication…..

I will get more into apologies in Part 2 of this blog. Take care Until then 🙂

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Adult Growing Pains…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I remember growing pains as a child…..My legs feeling sore, aching, uncomfortable…..It was an  awkward type of pain that was new. I’d go to Mom and tell her that my legs are hurting again…she’d say, “Oh don’t worry, hush, you’re just having “growing pains”…..”

Growing pains felt like they’d never end. I used to lay in bed and try to fall asleep just to not have to deal with them. The only comfort I could give myself was knowing that I’m actually GROWING, so I’d be a little taller…..eventually. I’d feel better by the next day, I wondered if I  actually did grow, and sometimes even checked to see if there were results. Of course, I couldn’t see the results but I was relieved that the pain was over, and hoped it would be a long time before I had to feel them again.

Adults don’t have to deal with growing pains, not physical ones at least. But growing spiritually, facing yourself, truly acknowledging what needs to change in your life, can be as uncomfortable and awkward as growing pains. The pain can hit you out of the blue, and it may come up waaaay after an experience that you thought you was over…..

I had to make a difficult decision that was heart wrenching the other day. I didn’t attend a “family meeting” that the whole family was expected to attend. I’ve attended family meetings in the past, but this case was different…..I was concerned I would look as though I didn’t care, when I actually care a lot…I’ve cared too much actually. I knew  not attending would be the best, healthiest choice at this point yet I still wrestled with my heart, gut, logic to come to a decision that I’d be at peace with. I felt guilty that I felt this way…..

I am very loyal to my family and extended family. I’ve made myself available to them whenever for whatever they need but I could not bring myself to fall victim once again to the same pattern that’s been  repeating like a horrible deja vu. This has been going on for years since the untimely deaths of my uncle and mother, there’s been a disconnect that the family has suffered for almost a decade. I’ve watched as it’s slowly eroded the basic ability to interact and communicate within the family. One of my biggest fears was this becoming the norm so when I realized that I was starting to close myself off, and “hide in my shell” I began to practice doing the opposite. This helped me a lot after mom passed away. As the years went by it was easier for me to make a simple phone call to a relative that I rarely see. I became even more sensitive to the needs of others, and what would help them feel better, but I became sort of numb to how I truly felt about what was going on. My grieving/mourning was  interrupted and I didn’t even realize the damage it was doing to me….Until a year or two later…..

So, I decided the other day to not attend a family meeting because I felt as though there is not enough effort being put out by others to promote proper basic communication, and until I see a change, I will stay to myself. If anybody needs me, I have the same phone number, and they are welcome to give me a call, any time…..

I’ve grown as person because of this, however it’s very painful to go through and there is nothing I can do to prevent this pain…..

The pain  comes along with the territory of growing, maturing into Adulthood and it will return……I’m okay with that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Role Models & Responsibility…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

When I was younger, I used to rummage through my oldest sister’s belongings when she was out. My intentions were not bad, I was just curious about what she was up to, and what was considered important in her world. I used to religiously take her notebooks and textbooks, flip to the back pages, write, doodle, and make my mark. I don’t know why I did it, I meant no harm. I guess it was my way of trying to be a part of her world. I would look at the latest posters she put up on her wall, the books and magazines that she was reading, her “Things I want to get” list, and I would borrow her Hip Hop cassette tapes……She was extremely annoyed when she came home to a room that had been tampered with, and she would let it be known by scolding me. It didn’t phase me because I admired and looked up to my big sister…..

As I grew older I began to notice my sister’s flaws and behaviour that I did not agree with. I expected “better” out of her, and I found myself often disappointed. Whenever we got into an argument, I would question her as to why she acted the way she did. Why she said and did mean and hurtful things to me when she was angry. I remember asking her, “Why don’t you EVER apologize?!!,” and she would never respond. Not a word. This bothered and upset me deeply for years. I was frustrated at the fact that she never took accountability for her actions. This was not her fault though, I put her on a pedestal, she couldn’t possibly live up to my expectations. Her character was her character, and her flaws were a part of her character.

When I hit my “adult” years I began to learn that my sister’s behaviour and what I saw as “lash outs,” had a lot to do with the pressure that she felt being the oldest of the family. She felt she had to protect us and defend us from any and anything that could or would possibly harm us. Her anger and frustration made sense to me now. She didn’t express this by simply speaking to me or any of us, so her emotions would end up coming out in bursts of anger and rage. Although I found it very confusing and it caught me off guard, I always respected and appreciated my sister for what she taught me and all that she did for me…..

I chose my sister as a role model, but she did not choose to be looked at as a “role model.” Being a role model is a job that people don’t ask for, but regardless of whether you want to be or not, there is somebody who views you as a role model. The question is, if you know that a person younger than you in age views you as a role model, is it your responsibility to fulfil that role for them?

If you’ve made it into adult age, then you must have had some type of role model at some point in your life. Whether it was a parent, a teacher, a  coach, even a celebrity. Reflect on all of the good that role model brought into you life, all of the useful information and lessons that person provided you with…..Would you be who you are today without their influence in your life?

It’s not a role model’s responsibility to live up to our standards, they didn’t choose to be our role model. The role that they play in our life and what we take from it, is our responsibility.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Part 2, Accepting Change for the Better.

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

This is a continuation of my last blog, I’m going to pick up where I left off…..I’ve made the big move to my beautiful apartment in the central part of the city. It’s simply easier to live here, accessible to travel, close to stores and malls, a safer neighbourhood, and closer family and friends. I didn’t realize how different I would feel in new surroundings, not just new surroundings, but surroundings that I chose to be in. I feel calmer, clearer, content…..genuinely happier. I’m still settling in and making my new place home, but decorating is not as important to me as adjusting from the inside. Settling my mind and body and getting used to my new environment as home, and  I haven’t felt at home in a very long time…..I was not ungrateful for what I had, but regardless of why you are living in the conditions that you are, if they are negative in any way, it takes a toll on your true self. Until you leave and move on to improved surroundings you will  realize the affect your previous surroundings were having on you.

All the struggles I had to go through after moving out without a plan ten years ago, still sit with me as I embrace this change. I could not anticipate what living alone was going to be like, granted I’m a twin from a family of six…..I didn’t have any money saved, a steady job, or a game plan as to how I was going to move. I simply packed a duffel bag on my moving day, and made due with my basic needs, until I could move my other stuff. There was so much chaos around me that comfort was not my top priority…..

I remember the day I signed my lease, and told my mother that I’d be leaving for sure. She was dealing with various health issues, and the stress was damaging her mental health. I was the only one residing in the house that understood the nature of her illness, and was attending doctor appointments/counselling with her. She expressed concern that I was taking it on. She did not want me to leave, but she wanted me to get away from the stresses in the house. She said that I was taking on her burden, and it wasn’t “my problem” but I felt that I owed it to her to stay and help her. Although I couldn’t help her the way I that I wanted to, I felt I owed it to her to be there for her. I felt guilty leaving her but  I knew that moving out was necessary in order to preserve my health, my mother was right. It hurt me when she told me that she wasn’t “kicking me out” and that I don’t “have” to leave, because she never said anything to me like that in the past. Those ideas didn’t even cross my mind, but I guess that was just her parental instincts taking over. It made me feel sad though…..

The reason and the manner in which I left weighed on my subconscious, and followed me through the years. As I’ve said in, “Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s Death,” I’ve managed to grow past most of the turmoil that ensued before and after. Now it’s time to plant new seeds and allow myself to enjoy the calm after the storm. I am proud of myself for earning what I always knew I deserved.

I’ve finally conquered my fear of accepting change for the better.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A “Little” Dehumanization, Part 1

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

On a daily basis I take notice of the “little” ways we humans dehumanize one another in this modern society that we live in. In the News we watch other countries deal with war, genocide, famine etc. and that has desensitized us to the way we dehumanize each other in “little” ways daily.

I’ve held detailed conversations with strangers regarding this issue. Many of the people happened to be “on the clock” at work, and as I’m receiving service, friendly banter turns into a deep conversation. I’m curious by nature, so I ask questions in order to gain a better understanding of how they feel, and the way their day is affected by it. We’ve all been a victim of this in some way, been made to feel a “little” dehumanized in our day.

I remember a conversation that I had with a taxi driver last summer. I greeted him politely and he began to explain his lateness, I excused him. He told me that he’s been yelled at, cursed out, and spoken to like a “dog” by passengers, his exact words. I told him that I  know his lateness was not intentional and when it comes to transportation, traffic is unpredictable, and car accidents, construction and other things can delay travel, which is beyond our control. Yelling at the driver won’t get you to your destination any faster, and it is disrespectful. He graciously Thanked me for  understanding, and I responded, “While I’m in your vehicle, my life is in your hands…… .” He said my words made his day, and he began to talk about his life, his job, and how hard he works to support his children so they can have a better life, and attend the best schools. I was touched……

Dealing  with verbal abuse on a daily basis because of your occupation, is wrong. It is a form of dehumanization that goes under the rug in our society.

I will be posting a few more stories about strangers I’ve encountered on the job, and how their day was affected by a “little” dehumanization.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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