dawnlovelysays

Social Media Rants on “Loved Ones”…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I have witnessed some of the most malicious, immature, uncouth behaviour on social media expressed in written public posts by folks towards their own loved ones. Ever since social media became the “go to” place for daily basic communication, posting a 1000 character rant about an issue with a “loved one” has become the norm to see on any social media site. I cringe when I log into my account and glance at my feeds to see an open letter that addresses a person by name. Without warning, I am exposed to terrible descriptive language about somebody who I know, or in some cases don’t, but am now left with a negative impression of them….

I just finished having a conversation with a friend of mine about posting personal rants about loved ones on social media. She has done this time and time again, and I’ve told her I will NOT go and read them…I can’t support that. She shared with me her most recent rant/post. I told her that I would be sharing my thoughts on this in my blog, and use her situation as an example because I feel very strongly about this trend. I haven’t had anybody that I’m close with do it to me, but that could be because they know it’s a rule that I live by and have, since social media became mainstream. I would rather be yelled at or ranted to by a loved one, than read a page length rant by a loved one addressed to the WORLD. I truly don’t like it and it’s one of my pet peeves! I’ve told her before: Posting your personal thoughts and feelings about a loved one, will NOT remedy the problem you want to fix. It will only make your relationship  worse, and in addition, bring more people into that problem. But since there are two sides to every story, I will address both….

I listened to her reasoning behind posting a rant on her page about her boyfriend or now, “ex-boyfriend” who she hoped to be able to speak to, but of course these rants have pushed him further away and caused him and other people to block her on social media and in reality. She explained that she wanted to get her side of the story out, and make sure all their friends and family know that she’s NOT the wrong one…..Of course naturally, people tend to take the side of their relative, so that did not help…..I told her to write her feelings down to herself, before impulsively posting. I sympathize with the fact that she wanted to defend herself, however this is not the way to go about it. As a friend who tries to be as loyal as possible, I can not listen to the aftermath of what a new public post causes. So far, it has done nothing but alienate more relatives, friends and family. I told her, try waiting patiently and see what happens, instead of posting…..you may be surprised how quick things change…..

I remember  the good ole days of writing a letter on paper, passing off that letter and hoping…..It could mean the end of your relationship or could lead to resolving the problem. There were less options available for communication, so the wait, the awkward phone call, or the meet up, had to happen, or you wouldn’t be able to communicate at all…..

That’s all I have to say about that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Learning to Forgive&Let Go…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 1 Comment

I’m sure you’ve heard before that it is healthy to forgive in order to move forward in life. Holding a grudge wastes a lot of energy, it’s emotionally draining. I used to be a champ at holding a grudge. I didn’t realize that by holding a grudge, I was feeding that grudge, which in turn was eating away at my soul…..

The part of the forgiveness that I’ve struggled with is, letting go. It was difficult for me, especially in my teenage years. I felt if I let go, then I would be forgetting what was done to me, and why it hurt me…..in a way, I held on in defence. I was very, very wrong. You can forgive, but you don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to dwell or hold a grudge either. I wish I would’ve exercised this earlier on in my life. I wasted years being angry inside that anger was affecting me in various ways, it was stifling me…..

Years ago I  watched  a TV program where a family of  a relative who was a murder victim  of a senseless act of  violence, publicly forgave the criminal convicted of taking the life of their loved one. A mother who lost her son due to a robbery that turned violent, chose to confront and speak to the convicted young man doing life in prison. I found this compelling. Listening to the mother stirred up all types of thoughts and emotions in me. Her words struck a chord in me. I couldn’t imagine speaking face to face with the one who took my loved one, and forgiving them face to face for that matter…..

I will never forget that program because it showed me another level of forgiveness that I had never thought about. It caused me to question myself on why I still had issues with releasing the last traces of anger left in me so I could at least speak to a person, to tell them, “I forgive you.” Forgiving a person who you know, who is close to you, can be difficult to do because seeing their face on a daily basis can be a constant reminder of disappointment. It would be impossible to completely forget what was done to you. The memory may never leave you. That being said, drawing up a new set of boundaries, and maintaining them, will help you move forward. Forgiving a person does not guarantee they will appreciate your forgiveness or even treat you better. Boundaries protect you from any further damage or disappointment. I will forgive and proceed with caution…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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What’s in an Apology? Part 1…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

I was pleasantly surprised at an apology that I received the other day from my friend. Something was said to me weeks ago that offended me and slightly hurt my feelings. The apology came at the right time,  and it reinforced our friendship. I was not expecting that apology at that point in time, and it reminded me of why we are friends. We’ve had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years yet have always managed to maintain our friendship and talk openly about our difference of opinion. The debates we have often end up in heated arguments. It could be our because our zodiac signs clash, or we’re both stubborn and head strong. I have apologized in the past for any words/actions that I have done, as soon as I realize what I have said or done has been insulting. I do not allow my ego to get in the way of apologizing even when I know I was not all the way wrong…..

I have always found an apology to be a strange concept because, just because you apologize, doesn’t mean your sorry, and just because you don’t apologize doesn’t mean you’re NOT sorry. People apologize for the smallest things because  it’s just “polite” to do so. Being from Canada, I hear apologies on a daily basis from complete strangers. A person will apologize for simply brushing you lightly when walking by, or stepping in your way by accident, or not seeing you coming and closing the door on you instead of doing the normal 1o second hold…I love that about Canada…by the way…..

One of my favourite songs of all time is “I Apologize” by Anita Baker. The melodic sound and the lyrics touched me in my pre-teens. It sent an example by saying, “I knew I was wrong……” I KNEW I was WRONG. Admitting you are wrong is the most important part of an apology, simply acknowledging it and allowing those words to flow out of your mouth, can repair or revive a broken or damaged relationship. It can also strengthen a relationship as well. I remember taking in an apology from my ex-boyfriend from high school. We were all grown up when he apologized for something he did in his teens. I gave him the opportunity to apologize by meeting up with him at his request. After we talked, and he made his apology, I saw how much it meant to him to have me accept his apology. I grew a little inside that day, it helped me mature into real Adulthood.

I have lowered my expectations as I’ve grown older as to how and when I’ll accept an apology. The gesture itself holds more merit these days since “bad manners”  seem to be in style. An apology that is insincere from a person who has difficulty apologizing  means more than the actual words coming out of their mouth. I give them an A for effort :), however I will not put myself around anyone who refuses to acknowledge that an apology is necessary to open up the doors of healthy communication…..

I will get more into apologies in Part 2 of this blog. Take care Until then 🙂

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Adult Growing Pains…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I remember growing pains as a child…..My legs feeling sore, aching, uncomfortable…..It was an  awkward type of pain that was new. I’d go to Mom and tell her that my legs are hurting again…she’d say, “Oh don’t worry, hush, you’re just having “growing pains”…..”

Growing pains felt like they’d never end. I used to lay in bed and try to fall asleep just to not have to deal with them. The only comfort I could give myself was knowing that I’m actually GROWING, so I’d be a little taller…..eventually. I’d feel better by the next day, I wondered if I  actually did grow, and sometimes even checked to see if there were results. Of course, I couldn’t see the results but I was relieved that the pain was over, and hoped it would be a long time before I had to feel them again.

Adults don’t have to deal with growing pains, not physical ones at least. But growing spiritually, facing yourself, truly acknowledging what needs to change in your life, can be as uncomfortable and awkward as growing pains. The pain can hit you out of the blue, and it may come up waaaay after an experience that you thought you was over…..

I had to make a difficult decision that was heart wrenching the other day. I didn’t attend a “family meeting” that the whole family was expected to attend. I’ve attended family meetings in the past, but this case was different…..I was concerned I would look as though I didn’t care, when I actually care a lot…I’ve cared too much actually. I knew  not attending would be the best, healthiest choice at this point yet I still wrestled with my heart, gut, logic to come to a decision that I’d be at peace with. I felt guilty that I felt this way…..

I am very loyal to my family and extended family. I’ve made myself available to them whenever for whatever they need but I could not bring myself to fall victim once again to the same pattern that’s been  repeating like a horrible deja vu. This has been going on for years since the untimely deaths of my uncle and mother, there’s been a disconnect that the family has suffered for almost a decade. I’ve watched as it’s slowly eroded the basic ability to interact and communicate within the family. One of my biggest fears was this becoming the norm so when I realized that I was starting to close myself off, and “hide in my shell” I began to practice doing the opposite. This helped me a lot after mom passed away. As the years went by it was easier for me to make a simple phone call to a relative that I rarely see. I became even more sensitive to the needs of others, and what would help them feel better, but I became sort of numb to how I truly felt about what was going on. My grieving/mourning was  interrupted and I didn’t even realize the damage it was doing to me….Until a year or two later…..

So, I decided the other day to not attend a family meeting because I felt as though there is not enough effort being put out by others to promote proper basic communication, and until I see a change, I will stay to myself. If anybody needs me, I have the same phone number, and they are welcome to give me a call, any time…..

I’ve grown as person because of this, however it’s very painful to go through and there is nothing I can do to prevent this pain…..

The pain  comes along with the territory of growing, maturing into Adulthood and it will return……I’m okay with that.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Role Models & Responsibility…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 3 Comments

When I was younger, I used to rummage through my oldest sister’s belongings when she was out. My intentions were not bad, I was just curious about what she was up to, and what was considered important in her world. I used to religiously take her notebooks and textbooks, flip to the back pages, write, doodle, and make my mark. I don’t know why I did it, I meant no harm. I guess it was my way of trying to be a part of her world. I would look at the latest posters she put up on her wall, the books and magazines that she was reading, her “Things I want to get” list, and I would borrow her Hip Hop cassette tapes……She was extremely annoyed when she came home to a room that had been tampered with, and she would let it be known by scolding me. It didn’t phase me because I admired and looked up to my big sister…..

As I grew older I began to notice my sister’s flaws and behaviour that I did not agree with. I expected “better” out of her, and I found myself often disappointed. Whenever we got into an argument, I would question her as to why she acted the way she did. Why she said and did mean and hurtful things to me when she was angry. I remember asking her, “Why don’t you EVER apologize?!!,” and she would never respond. Not a word. This bothered and upset me deeply for years. I was frustrated at the fact that she never took accountability for her actions. This was not her fault though, I put her on a pedestal, she couldn’t possibly live up to my expectations. Her character was her character, and her flaws were a part of her character.

When I hit my “adult” years I began to learn that my sister’s behaviour and what I saw as “lash outs,” had a lot to do with the pressure that she felt being the oldest of the family. She felt she had to protect us and defend us from any and anything that could or would possibly harm us. Her anger and frustration made sense to me now. She didn’t express this by simply speaking to me or any of us, so her emotions would end up coming out in bursts of anger and rage. Although I found it very confusing and it caught me off guard, I always respected and appreciated my sister for what she taught me and all that she did for me…..

I chose my sister as a role model, but she did not choose to be looked at as a “role model.” Being a role model is a job that people don’t ask for, but regardless of whether you want to be or not, there is somebody who views you as a role model. The question is, if you know that a person younger than you in age views you as a role model, is it your responsibility to fulfil that role for them?

If you’ve made it into adult age, then you must have had some type of role model at some point in your life. Whether it was a parent, a teacher, a  coach, even a celebrity. Reflect on all of the good that role model brought into you life, all of the useful information and lessons that person provided you with…..Would you be who you are today without their influence in your life?

It’s not a role model’s responsibility to live up to our standards, they didn’t choose to be our role model. The role that they play in our life and what we take from it, is our responsibility.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Part 2, Accepting Change for the Better.

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

This is a continuation of my last blog, I’m going to pick up where I left off…..I’ve made the big move to my beautiful apartment in the central part of the city. It’s simply easier to live here, accessible to travel, close to stores and malls, a safer neighbourhood, and closer family and friends. I didn’t realize how different I would feel in new surroundings, not just new surroundings, but surroundings that I chose to be in. I feel calmer, clearer, content…..genuinely happier. I’m still settling in and making my new place home, but decorating is not as important to me as adjusting from the inside. Settling my mind and body and getting used to my new environment as home, and  I haven’t felt at home in a very long time…..I was not ungrateful for what I had, but regardless of why you are living in the conditions that you are, if they are negative in any way, it takes a toll on your true self. Until you leave and move on to improved surroundings you will  realize the affect your previous surroundings were having on you.

All the struggles I had to go through after moving out without a plan ten years ago, still sit with me as I embrace this change. I could not anticipate what living alone was going to be like, granted I’m a twin from a family of six…..I didn’t have any money saved, a steady job, or a game plan as to how I was going to move. I simply packed a duffel bag on my moving day, and made due with my basic needs, until I could move my other stuff. There was so much chaos around me that comfort was not my top priority…..

I remember the day I signed my lease, and told my mother that I’d be leaving for sure. She was dealing with various health issues, and the stress was damaging her mental health. I was the only one residing in the house that understood the nature of her illness, and was attending doctor appointments/counselling with her. She expressed concern that I was taking it on. She did not want me to leave, but she wanted me to get away from the stresses in the house. She said that I was taking on her burden, and it wasn’t “my problem” but I felt that I owed it to her to stay and help her. Although I couldn’t help her the way I that I wanted to, I felt I owed it to her to be there for her. I felt guilty leaving her but  I knew that moving out was necessary in order to preserve my health, my mother was right. It hurt me when she told me that she wasn’t “kicking me out” and that I don’t “have” to leave, because she never said anything to me like that in the past. Those ideas didn’t even cross my mind, but I guess that was just her parental instincts taking over. It made me feel sad though…..

The reason and the manner in which I left weighed on my subconscious, and followed me through the years. As I’ve said in, “Healthy Mourning, Coping with my Mother’s Death,” I’ve managed to grow past most of the turmoil that ensued before and after. Now it’s time to plant new seeds and allow myself to enjoy the calm after the storm. I am proud of myself for earning what I always knew I deserved.

I’ve finally conquered my fear of accepting change for the better.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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A “Little” Dehumanization, Part 1

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

On a daily basis I take notice of the “little” ways we humans dehumanize one another in this modern society that we live in. In the News we watch other countries deal with war, genocide, famine etc. and that has desensitized us to the way we dehumanize each other in “little” ways daily.

I’ve held detailed conversations with strangers regarding this issue. Many of the people happened to be “on the clock” at work, and as I’m receiving service, friendly banter turns into a deep conversation. I’m curious by nature, so I ask questions in order to gain a better understanding of how they feel, and the way their day is affected by it. We’ve all been a victim of this in some way, been made to feel a “little” dehumanized in our day.

I remember a conversation that I had with a taxi driver last summer. I greeted him politely and he began to explain his lateness, I excused him. He told me that he’s been yelled at, cursed out, and spoken to like a “dog” by passengers, his exact words. I told him that I  know his lateness was not intentional and when it comes to transportation, traffic is unpredictable, and car accidents, construction and other things can delay travel, which is beyond our control. Yelling at the driver won’t get you to your destination any faster, and it is disrespectful. He graciously Thanked me for  understanding, and I responded, “While I’m in your vehicle, my life is in your hands…… .” He said my words made his day, and he began to talk about his life, his job, and how hard he works to support his children so they can have a better life, and attend the best schools. I was touched……

Dealing  with verbal abuse on a daily basis because of your occupation, is wrong. It is a form of dehumanization that goes under the rug in our society.

I will be posting a few more stories about strangers I’ve encountered on the job, and how their day was affected by a “little” dehumanization.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Loving thy Neighbour in these Times……

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When I first moved to my area nine years ago, I vowed to keep to myself and avoid talking to too much to people around the neighborhood. I had grown up in a co-op community that was close knit and with that came a lot of nosy neighbours who were so close that you couldn’t escape them. Even going to your back yard to sit and talk wasn’t comfortable because usually somebody was  listening or eavesdropping on your conversation. Although there were many annoyances that come along with living in a co-op town house, I enjoyed the comradery, growing up and playing with the same friends for years, the parties, sleep overs……There were many benefits to growing up in a close knit community that I appreciate and I have many great memories that are dear to my heart.

Setting boundaries in the area you live is very crucial because people sometimes expect you to be available to them just because you live a few doors down. You should set them from the start, so you can protect your own space and privacy. Once you allow a person to step over that “line” that boundary you put up, it’s hard to draw that line again. It’s disappointing that kindness is viewed as weakness, and an act of charity to a fellow neighbour, may backfire. I have a friend in my apartment building who is one of the kindest, giving people I’ve ever encountered in my life. She opens up her home to others and looks out for other peoples children although she has a handful of children of her own and is a single mother. She would pick up another tenant in the buildings children from school everyday along with her own. She did not ask for anything in return, she cares that the children get home safe and sound. There was a change in her life circumstance and she was no longer able to do the favour any more. She told the tenant that, but the response she received was very negative and unexpected. The tenant become very angry and questioned the reason why my friend was unable to help her. She even took it as far as to go on facebook and slander her. This situation ended up escalating into a court battle. It became a very ugly war, and my friend was the one who ended up paying the price. All for helping a fellow neighbour…..

I’ve had my share of drama that has surrounded me due to quarrelling loud, unruly neighbours. I had to be on my best behaviour with a neighbour that lived right beside me who recently moved due to too many complaints and altercations with tenants. She and I never exchanged words, except a simple “Hello.” After she moved in beside me I heard nothing but noise and fighting from her and her husband that would sometimes end up in the hallway. I was going to speak to her about the noise issue at first, but I  felt that maybe it was a one time thing, and it would embarrass her if I knocked on her door and brought it up. She was young, and couples fight sometimes, but unfortunately it continued day and night, everyday. The noise was  unbearable. Cursing, derogatory terms, breaking glass and pounding sounds in the hallway as well, became a daily occurrence. The police would show up once, even TWICE  a day because she would call them, or a neighbour did….Honestly,  I was relieved that I did not initially speak to her about the issue, my addressing the issue may have created more problems………

We are living in a time of fear, and a person will call the police over hearing music being played too loud down the hall, before they simply knock on their neighbour’s door and ask them to turn down the music. The fear of what the neighbour may say or do, is bigger than the actual problem. When I first moved in to my apartment, I was playing my mini-stereo and I didn’t realize how loud it was. I was surprised to get a knock on the door from a police man who kindly explained there was a noise complaint. I asked him who it came from, but he said someone down the hall. I politely apologized, and it was over. I was disappointed that I didn’t receive a simple knock on my door from a neighbour, instead of a police visit, but I assumed that whoever it was may have been afraid to knock on the door…..

These stories are  examples of the difficult part of dealing with people who live around you, but in these times the  easiest way to show love to your neighbour, is treating them as you’d like to be treated.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My Birthday & Growing Older…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

The fun part about getting older is looking back at all the things you thought you  knew when you were younger and matching it with what you  know to be true at the age you are now. I’ve embraced growing older, I reflect back on what I learned from that year, and how much I’ve improved as a person. It takes away the pressure of the actual number of your  age, which we tend to get hung up on.

Today is my birthday, that I share with my twin sister. I’m up at 3:00 am drinking tea and writing before I start my day, I’d like to share this with you…….

Last night my father gave me a pre-birthday call, he usually does that every year because he wants to make sure he wishes me a Happy Birthday in case he’s not able to get through on the actual day due to phone connection issues. It’s nice to get that call and I look forward to it. I allow my father to express his fatherly side since he hasn’t been around to do it. I  could sense he was uneasy when I reminded him how old I’m turning because he missed so many years. He becomes silent and I have to bear it, I’ve noticed over the last few years he does this. He will trail of when we are speaking and go into the story about the picture that his friend drew of me when I was a child, a large sketched portrait, black and white, my hair braided, I was five years old…..I’ve never seen that picture before, but I know the story behind it because I’ve heard it many times. I remember hearing this story as a child, he told me that while he was incarcerated, there was a talented inmate who would draw portraits from photographs, and he  would match the images to a tee……I neglected to tell my father that I remember meeting that man at a jail visit in the room designated for wives and children. I remember that man had a beard and looked gruff…..He had a few of his children sitting with him, but we didn’t interact….I remember my father introducing him to us, while holding a large portrait and telling us that he was the one who drew it. I was taking in the atmosphere around me, as I usually did, I was a very observant child. I remember thinking to myself, how can a man who can draw this beautiful picture be in jail???. There were so many wives and children in the visiting room and I thought we were the only ones that lived like this, until that day……..

Every time my father trails off and tells that story I think to myself, wow, he’s stuck in time, he still associates me with that portrait when I was a little innocent child. I am in my thirty’s yet that is still his point of reference when it comes to me. He doesn’t even realize he is doing it. He does this practically every time we speak, and the older I grow the more he does it. Our conversations go off track when he does that, but I listen without interruption. I leave him to be at peace with his story. It’s a special memory for him and I don’t want to mar it. I do want him to know that I DO remember the jail visit where I met the artist who drew that picture of me, but that would also remind him of jail,. I’d rather him keep that memory about me as a little girl than about him being locked up, and me seeing him  in that way…..

I’m thankful for simply being alive and having the opportunity to share my thoughts with you on my Birthday.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My take on “Luck”…Do you believe in Luck?

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I’ve always questioned this thing called “luck,” and I’ve heard that some people are just lucky and some aren’t. Depending on your belief system, religion/faith, and life experiences, luck may mean something different to you. I’ve heard some replace the word “lucky” with “blessed.” I guess they have the same meaning?

I’ve never thought of myself as “lucky,” maybe blessed to a degree, but then again if I am blessed, then wouldn’t I be blessed in all aspects of life? I wouldn’t have had to go through certain things. If a person is “lucky,” then wouldn’t that luck apply to all areas of their life? I’ve always wondered that. If you are lucky in winning prizes from contests, then shouldn’t you be lucky in other areas of your life that are more important?.

My cousin works for a casino/racetrack and she’s told me stories about people basing their luck off of her. A patron will come to “cash out” at her terminal and credit their win to her touching and counting out their money. Some have told her that it is she who is bringing them “good luck.” She always tells them not to base their luck off of her, that she isn’t doing anything to make them win. She doesn’t want to be held responsible for them winning or losing, while inadvertently encouraging them to gamble. I completely understand her reasons for telling her patrons not to base their win off of her, although it is a compliment. Basing your luck off of somebody or something can be damaging to your confidence, and put a high level of expectation on a person who may be unable to give you what you need. If you have a “good luck charm” and you lose it, does that mean your luck has run out for the rest of your life?.

To those who consider themselves “unlucky,” this blog may help you look at luck in a different way. Perhaps you’re luckier than you think, or allow yourself to be. I chose to give myself a new definition of luck in order to make my life easier. I don’t depend on luck in my life, rather I simply credit myself for effort I put into areas of my life that I wish to be lucky in. That helps me maintain a feeling of some type of control over reality that may fail me in ways that I have no control over. There are things in life we know that we have no control over, so I try on a daily basis to allow my intent to lead me closer to “luck.”

In the past I’ve won the same amount of money on a scratch ticket that I had  recently given to person in need. I don’t consider that “luck” because I did that from my heart with no strings attached. Some may say it’s “karma,” but my intent was loud and clear so I give my intent the credit!.

So Good luck in life, if you believe in luck! 😉

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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