lessons

Reassuring Silence…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Please forgive me for posting this blog late. #HappyMothersDay to all the mothers out there and RIP momma, I’m missing you today.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been writing, and I’ve been meaning to share. Since the time I told my father why I don’t trust him and after I posted my blog, I didn’t hear from him for a few months. That is the reason I was reluctant to post my blog. I thought maybe I was exposing too much, although I didn’t say anything disparaging about him. I actually felt “guilty”……By the time I posted, I decided to delete it, because I felt as though I was betraying my father. Fortunately one of my loyal subscribers noticed, and asked me why I did that. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t think anybody read it. She left me a heart-felt comment, commending me on my honesty and transparency. She told me that my blog is important, and it may help others. I came to my senses and re-posted, her comment helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for sharing my story. Many people have broken relationships with their parents for various reasons. I’ve come across many people who don’t talk to their father, who lives in close proximity to them. It’s difficult trying to build a solid foundation with a parent who hasn’t parented you for the majority of your life. The scattered memories may be all you have to remember them by, and as you grow older, many of those memories may be repressed, or dissolved. It’s almost as though you have to create a foundation to re-start from, and hope you both can come to a mutual understanding. Establishing a common ground that you’re both comfortable moving forward on, and communicate as much as possible. I’ve had to get used to speaking my mind with no filter, and letting my guard down when I feel it coming back up.

The last conversation I had with my father was liberating. I told him that he was a priority to me, and this time, the silence was not awkward, but reassuring. He was truly listening to me! Not just to my voice, but to my heart and soul.

Something has changed, and I’m not worried about whether or not it will go away, I’m more focused on nurturing it, and watching it grow.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

 

 

And THIS is Why I Don’t Trust…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

“Dad, I know you would never do anything to hurt me, and I’m not afraid of you…I don’t know if you  remember, but when we were little, you put us in dangerous situations, and it was scary….I  was scared.” The words flowed out of my mouth like melted butter, “And THIS is why I don’t trust you…or anyone….” I FINALLY allowed myself to be honest with my father and tell the truth. He needed to hear the truth, regardless of his guilt and pain…..I looked up to my father when I was a little girl,  I admired him. When he sat me down and taught me about the “bad” ways of the world, I held onto his every word. We always shared a special bond, he made me feel special. When he spoke to me about serious topics I was very attentive, although I was too young  to fully  comprehend the significance of what he was saying. My conscience understood everything he was saying, and I wouldn’t run a way to go play until he was finished. I registered and filed all of it in my mind. I made it a point to abide by all of his lessons as I grew, even though he wasn’t around. “Always be kind to those less fortunate than you…..” He taught me, and wrote it in  EVERY post card and letter. I saved every postcard, telegram and letter he sent in my old shoe box. I held my onto my father’s  morals and values, and our mother reinforced them, she never spoke ill of him. I was taught to RESPECT and honor my father, regardless of his actions. I always felt the need  to protect him, as though I was the parent and HE the child….

I’ve been putting off visiting him because I doubt that he’s changed, and I can not fix that. His efforts mean a lot to me, but I can not rewrite my past, or fix this overnight. I don’t know how this will all pan out between my father and I, but I trust that I did the right thing. I appreciate my father for what he taught me, and maybe I can teach HIM a thing or too…..

Love&Respect ~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

You KNOW Better, So Do Better!

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

“Dad! People are Soooo Rude!” A young boy yelled out on the bus, after being abruptly brushed by a many passengers who were in a rush to get off the bus during rush hour. I haven’t taken the( TTC ) bus in over a decade and this area was vastly different compared to where I used to live. I  was appalled as I watched them COMPLETELY disregard the child, none of them even said excuse me….. I found this shocking, considering us “Torontonians” are known for our courtesy and manners, in public….His father explained to him that it was rush hour, and people are agitated, tired, and just want to go home. He reassured him that they’d be home very soon, and that he’d make him anything to eat that he wanted, which I found cute. The father did his best to comfort his child, but the fact that he chose NOT to say anything negative about the poor manners of the passengers, intrigued me….Perhaps he didn’t want to “call them out”, or he didn’t want to plant negative seeds in his son’s mind about public transportation. I thought to myself, this child may grow up thinking that this is just the “way” people are on the bus, when these adults are supposed to know BETTER. They are wrong and there is no excuse for it, and hearing a little boy become so upset and annoyed that he yelled, touched my conscience…..When I’m having a tough day and it’s almost coming to an end, I can be triggered by the smallest act of rudeness by a stranger. I don’t always address them, it’s not even worth it, but it does disrupt my peace temporarily. I realized what really gets to me, is the lack of effort to show a fellow human basic manners and respect. Saying Please/Thank You/Excuse Me only takes 2-3 seconds tops, and it can make a world of difference…..

I have hope, and believe that if those who KNOW better, simply DO better, we can set a better example for the generations after us. They won’t think twice to do better, because it will come naturally, once they learn. It’s baby steps that grown folks need to take, so our babies will follow suit…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely  , https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

It Could Happen To You…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I tried to avoid the news online about the flooding in Houston, because the sight of flooding gives me anxiety….The photos I saw on my twitter feed were shocking, it pained me to see. I had a flash back of my apartment flooding last year, watching helplessly as water quickly spread thorough out the place….I didn’t know the water was THAT high! I pictured being in those people’s shoes, wading alongside my belongings as I leave my home and say goodbye to everything I own…

I have never experienced a hurricane, being that I’ve only lived in Ontario, Canada, watching hurricanes on the news looked unreal to me, like a movie. I remember learning about hurricanes in school, and the science behind them. The “eye” of the storm being calm, is a fact that I found interesting and disturbing. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be in one. I was terrified based off of what I saw in the news coverage from other countries around the world. It looked as though the land would never be dry again, and re-building would take centuries…..

I’ve heard some say on social media and youtube, that the victims of the flood “knew” that  this could happen because of their location. I find it funny people say that, because we all live in places that are just as prone to natural disaster, i.e. a snow storm, ice storm, earthquake, or possibly a windstorm….Even if we live in areas that are considered “high-risk”, we don’t expect the WORST will happen. There are very beautiful condos by the waterfront  in Toronto that I’ve always dreamed of living in, flooding is the FURTHEST thought from my mind when I imagine living there…..

Regardless of how prepared you are, when the worst of the worst  does happen, it’s a slap in the face and a wake up call that it can happen to you too.

#PrayforHouston

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

PT 2, August&My Summer Sadness…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Picking up from where I left off:

Before August ends I will bring myself to be at peace again with it, I will conquer my demons, finally…..

There are belongings of my mother’s that are very sentimental to me but I know mean much more to others. I’ve reached out to certain relatives who were very close to her, that shared common interests with her, to give them items like books and music. She had such a vast music and book collection that I always admired, and I remember asking her to borrow albums especially older music, classic albums from artists that my generation wasn’t familiar with. She didn’t mind, she was kind that way, I really loved that about her. She was a music lover to the tee, and had a very eclectic taste that was culturally diverse. I cherished her music collection, and I learned to love and appreciate music from all over the world because of her…..Going through and sharing her collection, hearing memories attached to a particular song makes me happy. It was fun reminiscing with my Auntie about the way she danced so well, or her favourite songs she’s play on repeat. I’m happy to give them away.

I also found peace and closure in another place, a very surprising and unexpected place, or I should say person…my father. I’ve grown closer to my father since my mother’s passing, although we’ve only talked on the phone. I hear my mother’s phrases, lessons, diction when he’s giving me advice…It’s quite astounding to me, I forgot how much alike they are. It’s comforting, and I feel actually feel protected…The way I used to feel after speaking with mom…..

Since my last blog post, things have been looking up, and I decided to focus on what I do have control over, what I’m able to do in the meantime.  I’ve had a few relatives reach out to me that I wish I felt comfortable speaking to, but I think it’s best not to speak until the correct actions are DONE regarding the unfinished business of mommy’s passing…..

As the month comes to an end, I enjoy the beautiful sunsets and brisk nights. My mother’s passing anniversary is approaching, and it means something different this year. Those demons, I ran away and I’m proud to say, I’m now at peace with August.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

 

Control Freaks & Giving Up Control…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

It’s almost 5:00am and I’m glad tobe back in my writing groove, I haven’t posted in a month, and  I’ve been adding pieces to the draft of this blog for a week. I’m going through some stressful life stuff, relating to the aftermath of the flood last year. Family and friends have been supportive, sending me words of encouragement, which has helped a lot. I feel as though last year was a looong test that I passed, but there’s more to learn and apply and I’m at the new start of a new chapter of my life. I’d like to share this with you…..

I’ve come to grips with the fact I just might be a “Control Freak”  to an extent, and that’s not easy for me to admit, because I’ve never considered myself one. I’ve been exposed to many self-proclaimed Control Freaks during the course of my life, and I understood their need to have things “their way.” I found myself effortlessly adhering to their demands, making sure I put EVERYTHING in the EXACT correct place, following directions to their satisfaction…..I felt that their “Control Freak” ways, were simply a part of their personality,  so I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but Control Freaks can be difficult to satisfy, and they may NEVER be satisfied no matter how much you care to appease them…I’ve never encountered a “chill”  control freak, they always seem to be on edge, which is not cool and wearisome to deal with……I realized that when I allow my mentality to become controlling over what is supposed to happen, that I’m essentially  blocking The Most High/ blocking my blessings, hence blocking my own path….Getting in my own way.

Since the start of the year I feel like I’m coming into a fresh new part of my adult life, but it’s coming together in a manner which I never could’ve anticipated. After my accident in January, I vowed that I would take it easy, not rush, and try to go with the flow. Unfortunately the events  that took place late last year have put me in a position that has backed up my initial plans for 2016/2017 and my mind hasn’t been in “zen” mode, but in rush mode…..

I caught myself though, and since I’ve given up control, this tough time feels like a walk in the park, and I’m focusing on what I can do, which is all I can do.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

 

 

Parents/No Parents…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

My friend brought a question to me the other day that had me contemplating the cards that I’ve been dealt in my life…….She had a very intense fight with her parents which left her feeling abandoned. She needed help, after a very traumatic event took place at her home, and they felt her request for support was too much too handle…. This wasn’t the first time that they reacted this way, but it was a wake up call, because she was terrified and her fears were treated as an inconvenience. The natural reaction would be to go to your parents, Right???  That’s what she said to me. I agreed. I would’ve did the same, if mine were available. That’s the truth.  After telling me all of this, she asked me, “What’s better, having NO parents, or parents that treat you like THIS???” I paused and pondered what she said…It truly touched me…..

I used to  imagine what life would’ve been like had my father been a consistent presence as a parent in our household. I wondered what life would’ve been like for all of us, had he made different choices back when we all resided in the same household…..My father was still alive, but he hadn’t been around since I was a little girl for reasons I’ve explained in previous blogs…After mom passed away, I felt parentless for the first time in my life…..

My friend’s question was a very valid one, because it forced me to look at how blessed I truly am at this point in my life. I made it to my adult years with at least one that always was there for me, regardless of the magnitude of the problem. Loyal to the tee, through all of her problems too…..I miss that. I miss her…..

I’m certain that I’d prefer NOT to have parents that are there, but aren’t there for me when I truly need them, as opposed to having none at all…..The grass is greener, she thinks I have it easier, but I always thought she had it easier.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My Pre/Post Birthday Thoughts…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 6 Comments

As my birthday approaches, I’m reflecting on the year so far,  good and bad, ups and downs. I can honestly say that there’s been more UP’S and I’m happy to share that. I use birthdays as a measure of time for the year, instead of the “New Year” because it means surviving a full year of life and with the stresses of living in this society, I consider that an accomplishment in itself…..

It’s a few days since my birthday, and my birthday was especially different this year. I’ve never spent a birthday away from home, my place is still being repaired, and I’m far away from friends and family. I’m literally a block away from cows and farmland…..I have what I need, and enough to get by, yet I’m without my usual belongings. I couldn’t and didn’t take a fancy dress with me when I left, it wasn’t even a thought, or a priority. In case I was going out, I would’ve  liked to have had one…I tried to plan for my birthday, but I didn’t need to overthink or disappoint myself with high expectations, or have a bratty attitude. A couple of my relatives came to visit, it’s a long drive, and I appreciated that. I didn’t have a party-it-up birthday that is expected once you hit this age…..My father did his traditional phone call, and sent me a short “dad-like” message that was metaphorical, regarding my age  and “youthful” look…He was trying lol…..

Set-backs, like the flood, I now consider an inconvenience, instead a negative instance…..I’ve come a looooong way. Being placed in a few new/different environments so quickly, from a situation that was an still is out of my hands, has introduced me to a better way of life. What I thought was home, I see in a different light, and there was nothing wrong with that place, I adored it…..

I’ve been introduced to an improved environment, a town that’s alluring and calm, it’s helped to  inspire me and look forward. I’m anticipating what’s going to happen next, whenever the place is habitable again…Everything is going to be different, I have A LOT to catch up on…..My fears aren’t interrupting my peace, the way I used to let them, when an out of my hands situation happened in the past…..I’m Happy I made it to this Birthday, but I won’t tell you how old I am…lol…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Memories of Remembrance Day…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Back in primary school/junior high, Remembrance Day was treated with high importance and incorporated into the curriculum, and I’m Thankful for that. I asked questions  and participated in class discussions…I enjoyed learning about what the day represents and it put my mind in a different era a place and time. Had I been born in this skin, in that time, life would’ve been different of course, but I found a way to relate. That was my favourite part of learning in history class. Imagining what life would’ve been like, and watching the black and white footage documentary videos…My favourite era…It was distressing to find out the reason for the War… The soldiers and their families experiences hit close to home, and I couldn’t believe how young they were.I found it shocking that men that young were sent off to fight, leaving their families behind…..

For a class project, I created a mock diary written from the point of view of a young soldier. It required research and facts to be included and I put my all into it. Receiving a high grade wasn’t my only goal, I wanted to impress my teacher…I made sure it looked “vintage” with a “sepia” finish, I was satisfied with the finished product. I ended up getting a grade close to what I truly wanted, which was disappointing, however I loved my work. My teacher praised the quality. I took that diary very seriously, the character felt real to me…..That project was a pleasure to do.

I didn’t  wear a poppy every year, but as I grew into my adult years, I began to stop off when I see the veterans in the mall and stores. I stop off and donate, get my poppy, and make sure to Thank them. I feel it’s necessary to tell them that my generation learned about them in school…I have to tell them my age range, so they understand lol, and they show their appreciation by sharing with me their age too. I had a nice chat with a veteran at the gas station a few days a go, and he told me that there’s not that much of them left. People walking by were looking at us chatting, I could feel their curious gaze…I assume they were probably wondering, what are they discussing…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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It’s Okay if you Don’t Get It…..

~ dawnlovely ~ Leave a comment

Compromise and Understanding are important components of a healthy relationship, there’s no way to get around that. A small argument or disagreement is not worth dwelling on, and driving a wedge between people. I’ve talked about this topic before in other blogs, because it’s a topic that comes up a lot in my life. Because of my passionate, stubborn nature, I had to get to know myself, a different side of myself to figure out why it was so easy to walk away from people, especially those I love and care for. Ignore,  give the cold-shoulder, dismiss, give the silent treatment, used to be my coping mechanism for dealing with a person who just doesn’t “get it”. I felt as though I was doing the other person a favour, by simply leaving them alone…Why would I continue trying to force you to understand me, when clearly you don’t. That’s how I used to feel….

My friend told me she felt as though I was avoiding her, because I didn’t talk on the phone as much as I usually do in the week. We had a disagreement again recently regarding “parties” and “having fun” and I told her my priorities are different now, and I focus on what’s most important at this time. Certain things are not as important to me, and I’d rather not discuss it…..I’ve said it bluntly, explained it thoroughly, shown it though my actions, there’s nothing more I can do…..I may stay in my zone, and not say much, or as much as usual, but please don’t take it personally…..I’ve told her time and time again, it’s not a big deal to me to miss parties and gatherings. I can’t “hang out” with people, just to pass time, if we can’t relate on a basic human level….I do see life different since the flood situation, and I’m happy about the fact my priorities have changed again but for the better and that’s good enough for me….I don’t think she quite gets it, but she was trying to help, but I get it, and I Thanked her.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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