Helplessness(Continued)…..

I didn’t intend on talking about the weather again, but yesterday evening I found myself caught up in the #Toronto terrible winter storm. I left work 10 minutes early and rushed to the subway to avoid missing the one GoBus that goes to my part of the city. Although I knew I’d be okay, I had NO idea when I’d get home or even close to the area my family resides. Ironically, the one GoBus that didn’t come was mine, and I didn’t know why. It only runs twice a day, so if you miss it, you’re screwed. When the weather is this serious, no more phone calls can be made to ask where or why. You simply have to wait it out until further notice. I thought damn, this is not the place to be and this is definitely NOT the weather! I couldn’t take a taxi, I couldn’t call family or friends, I couldn’t go back to work. I was left with no options. Stranded on the other side of the city in an area that I am not familiar with, Uh Oh….

I met three ladies while waiting for the same “ghost” bus, and struck up a conversation regarding the commute confusion. As we stood in the waiting area patiently, I became a part of their group. They made sure to give me updates because they knew somebody who had an inside link to the bus company. We waited 3 hours, but nothing. Many cars and buses were stopped up due to the heavy snowfall, the whole road was stopped up. It was rush hour at a very busy intersection, TOTAL chaos! Tow-trucks, people pushing cars, etc….Nobody could move. The snow continued to blow and come down, I was beginning to feel pins and needles in my hands.

Finally, a kind driver decided to allow all of the people left behind to load his bus and take us to nearest mall. He was also ensuring we would at least be warm while we waited. Unfortunately after an approx 1 hour wait, we weren’t able to move, so we had to reverse and go right back into the station. I thought, welp, I guess I’ll have to go back downstairs to the delayed train??? I don’t know what to do…Then I was approached by one of the group, she told me that they were taking the train, aaaall the way to the mall that is supposed to have a bus waiting for us that will bring us home. It was almost midnight and I had nothing to lose at this point. I appreciated the fact they actually cared that I arrived home that night.

I was worried that this supposed bus wasn’t going to arrive, so I told the ladies that I was planning on taking my usual route home, the way I know. Regardless of how long it takes, or the delays, at least I know where I’m going. They reassured me that their way would bring us home, and I didn’t need to worry.

So, I decided to trust these kind strangers and let them lead the way, which was hard for me to do, it felt like a test. It made me feel more helpless than ever! I guess putting my safety and well-being fully in another’s hands, a stranger’s hands, may help me to accept it’s okay be helpless and accept help?

I graciously Thanked those kind ladies before exiting the bus. I arrived home in one piece, after trudging through knee-high snow, and unplowed sidewalks. My family said they were relieved that I made it home safe and sound, but I was even more Thankful for what I learned in those 6 hours.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Helplessness(Part One)…..

I meant to post this thought last week on one of the coldest days I’ve ever experienced in my life!!!

Today was -16 degrees but weather reports say that it “feels” like -28. The temperature actually dropped lower than that, it went close to -30 plus. I only went outside because I had to, that weather is lethal. I felt as though I was going to pass out soon as I walked outside. The wind was intense and powerful, and I was afraid that I was going to fall or faint because I was already sick. I haven’t felt worried about my safety and out of control because of the weather in a very long time. I felt weak and helpless, but turning around and trying to walk back inside would’ve been a struggle, it literally felt like walking through ice. I stuck it out and stayed outside, I couldn’t let the weather change my day and my goals. I hate to feel helpless, I realized that was a stupid to stay outside. Something triggered me, I realized that being helpless is one of my biggest fears, and I actually consider it a “character flaw” which I know is wrong. I feel completely out of control and even more ashamed for that, and I know that is wrong too.

I’ve blamed myself for life occurences that I had absolutely no control over. Where did this feeling start? At what point in my life? The Truth is, it started from a very young age, at an age when I couldn’t do or say anything to stop the wrong I was feeling. There’s more to the story, but I’ll continue in another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Most People Wouldn’t…..

If you were standing behind somebody in public and they dropped money on the ground, but didn’t notice, would you tell them? Or would you wait until they walked away, and pick up the money to keep???

Well apparently “most” people wouldn’t, that’s what a lady said to me after I alerted her that she dropped $100 dollar bill. We were standing in line at the register the.. only two people in line, and in the store, ironically. While she was about to pay, rummaging through her wallet, a $100 bill dropped to her side. So I said, ” Excuse me Mrs” and pointed to it. Her face looked shocked, as she yelled out, “Oh my goodness!!! Thank you SO much!!! Most people wouldn’t….” She looked me in the eye with a shocked look on her face. I responded, “It’s okay, no problem! I understand…..You’d go home and be like OMG….” I wouldn’t wish that feeling upon a stranger. As the lady continued to Thank me, I noticed the cashier looking at me, in an admirable way. The woman paid for her items, and turned around and said to me, Thank you again. So I decided to tell her that I’ve lost my wallet\left my wallet places, and had somebody pick it up and I got it back with NOTHING taken. I also have found a wallet and searched the ID and mailed the wallet back to the owner…I do for people, what I would hope they’d do for me. I told her God Bless You…

Now, I felt the need to share those examples with a stranger, because I’d like the “norm” to be that we as a people care enough about one another, to automatically put ourself in their shoes. For one, that money was NOT mine, I know for a fact, it was hers so, she deserves to keep her money! I also thought, that money could’ve been for anything, everybody is dealing with the ridiculous inflation and cost of living in Toronto. Don’t let appearances fool you. I could use an extra hundred bucks, but who couldn’t!

I do believe in karma, or whatever people call it. If we give eachother a break, and really care, in our daily interactions, we’d enjoy life on this planet more.

I told my friend, about this and he said, Sorry, just being honest, I would’ve took it!…and I laughed, and felt disappointed at the same time:(…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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It’s a New Year! I’m back…..

My favourite place to be on New Year’s Eve is at home safe and sound. I’m satisfied simply watching a movie, surrounded by loved ones, or by myself. Happy to have got through another year, I’m in one piece, and as healthy as I can be. A year ago today, I was recovering from an accident that left my face battered, cut, swollen, and scrapped. I had a broken nose to boot, and all I could do is apply ice to my face, rest and hope for the best…..

Hi! Happy Belated New Year, I hope that your year is off to a productive start. I have neglected my blog which I feel guilty about, but I’m ALWAYS writing and creating. There’s another side to my writing that I have not mentioned on my blog before, my music. I’m a singer, always been, but haven’t shared my work online with the public because it wasn’t the time. Now I’m ready to open up and share more of me. I’ve been writing, re-writing, composing with a pianist, and trying to keep my vocals warm in this chilly weather. It feels good to work on what I’m truly passionate about.

Last year ended on a good note, and I had to accept that, instead of focusing on the”bad” things that happened. It didn’t tarnish all that I accomplished in 2018. I was and am still trying to find my place here in Toronto, literally and figuratively, but I had to change my approach. I was inspired through a conversation with a tipsy co-worker at an office Christmas dinner. With a sober ear, he told me not to worry about finding a place in the city, as he was in the same predicament. He said to simply keep an eye out, but don’t worry about it, something will come along. I took his advice, I decided to stop sweating it.

A new job, new commute, office relocation, and major unexpected negative changes to my living environment put me to the test. I didn’t expect life to throw me so many positive and negative changes all at once. Improving at adjusting and adapting to curve balls and changes without worry, pretty much sums up 2018. I think I’m off to pretty good start, and I hope you are too!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Put On A Happy Face….

It bothers me when people tell me to smile just because I have a neutral or “upset” looking expression on my face. Growing up, it was difficult for me to display my true emotions, because I was afraid I would upset people. I was an honest child, but repressing my true feelings in order to “show face” for others, made me lie. I felt I was a liar when I pushed a smile through, just to appease. I thought that if I showed my real feelings, I’d disappoint them, or make them feel uncomfortable. I was more concerned with their feelings than my own. I’ve harboured resentment about this for years, and for some reason, it continues to happen. Because of my sombre face, a family friend felt the need to tell me to “Smile!” and offer me a hug, in front of everybody. She did not know that I had just heard some sad news about a loved one, hence my sombre face. I yelled out, “See??!” to my relatives in the room,”This is what I’m talking about! Why are people always telling me to smile??? I see people who NEVER EVER smile, and nobody tells them anything!!” I didn’t want her to feel offended, but she has said this to me before. I knew she meant well, so I told her “Sorry, it’s not you, this just bothers me. People have been doing this to me my whole life.” My fam and her, gave me the, “You’re right, but what do you expect?” face, so I left it alone. I walked out of the room and thought, is it my energy? Is it my face? Is it that I always seem happy?? Do they view me as innocent???

I just needed to get that off my chest….It shouldn’t bother you to see a person have their face a certain way. You never know what a person is really going through. You’d be surprised if you ASK, instead of assume and comment. This topic goes much deeper, and I’ll continue in another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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(My Calm Within The Chaos Part 2) The Morning Rush…..

“You’ll never know, how slow, the mom-ents go, until I’m near to yoooou…..” The lovely rendition by Natalie Cole, playing through my tiny mp3 player and broken headphones, as I quietly slide through the morning rush. I stop and wait as a line of people swiftly pass me, and I stall to avoid being tripped up. When I see an open space, I quickly slide through, and stand close to the stop light pole, and stick to it like glue. I stay out of the way, because the crowds are coming from every direction. It’s safer if I wait and anticipate where to step foot. I’m earlier than I need to be, but the crowds are unpredictable, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. The stoplight changes and we all charge across the road, like a stampede. A woman with a stroller looks frazzled, as folks do not clear her path. She slows down as she tries to pace herself with the impatient people. She sighs out loud, and rolls her eyes, saying out loud, and under her breath, “People!” and I agree. I try to stop the pushy herd and move to the right, in order to encourage people to give her some space. As I slow up, I slightly turn and mumble to the folks behind me, “She has a stroller….” My plan works, and she’s able to make it through. She passes by with no eye contact, and I know that she saw and heard what I did. I don’t expect a “Thank You” because the fast paced vibe is distracting her. She’s still annoyed and flustered, and I completely understand and relate…..

Regardless of the speed of the crowd every chaotic morning at that busy intersection, my manners never leave me. Never allow the chaos to stop you from acting right. It’s insane to me that even a stroller, is not enough for adults to prioritize safety. I wrote this all in one sitting, the morning rush never fails to amaze me.

Good night!

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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My Calm Within The Chaos (Part 1)…..

Listening to Jazz on my commute to work, always calms my nerves and helps me cope with crowds, that are sometimes unforgiving. Having the back of your heels stepped on repeatedly, and I don’t mean “high heels” I mean, your heel. It ends up coming out of the back of your shoe, twice in the morning, and twice on the way home! I choose not to turn around and see who did it, and if they’ll apologize. People usually do, but who has the time?? I know it is not deliberate, and people don’t even realize they did it, so I treat it like a brush of my shoulder. If I didn’t I’d hold a lot of anger inside, which turns into stress…..

My Sony headphones didn’t even last a year, because I throw them on and off at least twenty times during my travels. The wire is broken and the sound is distorted, so I hold the wire, twist and turn it to hear that lovely jazz…Until I can afford new ones!

Anything to stay calm, and block out the chaos!

Stay tuned for Part Two:)

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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The Worst Customers(Labour Day)…..

How did you spend your Labour Day?

I didn’t do much today but clean, chill out and write. Most places are closed anyways, and I’m happy for the day off. I don’t usually go out because I just don’t feel the need to. I’ll spend time with family if they have the time, if not, I spend time alone and relax. Another reason I don’t go out, is that holidays/long weekends can bring out the worst in people, and Toronto is no exception. There were a few shootings unfortunately, my cousin was a witness to one, and suffered a minor injury. This shooting was major, but I didn’t ask about the details. I was annoyed even to hear about it. Going to a party, concert or gathering is a major risk on this holiday. I’m embarrassed to say that. Staying safe and sound is the goal…..

I had to run to store at dark, the only convenience store open around here. As I cashed out the young man at the register, who’s family runs the store, said something that I found extremely ironic. As I asked my total, he was quickly serving another customer, who quickly dashed out of the store. He apologized for not paying me proper attention, and said that people out there are the worst! Then he told me that this holiday brings out the WORST in people. I told him that I understand, and people think you owe them something. Because of the type of store this is, the expect you to do everything for them. In actuality, we NEED this store, and should Respect the folks who run it.

He asked me where I was from, and said that I was “different” and had Respect and manners. I said good night and thought to myself, hmmm….isn’t Labour Day meant to honour workers??? Why treat our fellow worker that way on this holiday??? SMH

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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About Mom(RIP)& Appreciation…..

Mom loved people and she loved life. I saw it in the way she took care of us, and her care for others.

She treated others children as if they were her own, and treated those children equal to her own. Over the years other children stayed with us, and mom’s care for them was consistent.

When my cousins stayed with us, they told me how much they appreciated her, and the way she took care of them. I thought that was very cool.

She appreciated nature and the environment. I saw it in the way she took care of plants and her garden. She taught me that growing your own food is possible, as long as you nurture your soil.

She would cook your favourites upon request, if you asked politely. I used to bring apple crisp and peanut brittle to school for my class mates. They loved it, and told me I was lucky, but it was an everyday thing to me. I appreciated this more after I moved out.

Regardless of how much money we had, mom made sure we ate a cooked meal every night. She always made something out of nothing. Mom could stretch the littlest ingredients to last through the week, I used to think she was a magician.

She would wake up early, even on weekdays to make breakfast for us. I used to wonder how and when she had the energy to get through the day.

I admired her natural beauty, the way she french braided her hair, and still glowed with zero make up. I appreciated the way she took care of my hair, braiding my hair, which taught me to love my natural self…..

I’m sitting here alone in a small, dimly lit contemporary office, high in the sky. Looking down at the busy toronto midtown street that we used to frequent with her. I visioned her walking with a bunch of children around her, pushing a stroller through the crowd. Folks stopping her to ask, “Are they ALL YOURS?!!” and her calmly responding. She never acted rude to strangers who were nosey or curious. She was a married woman, had us in her twenties, and we all share the same father, but folks couldn’t help but assume…Her youthful appearance attracted positive and negative attention. I once asked her, “Doesn’t that get annoying mom???” and she said, “I know their going to do it anyway, so I don’t allow it to get to me….”

My appreciation for her, some of my fondest memories, what I miss about her, and her lessons are ingrained in my soul. I hope she’s resting in peace.

Thanks Mom.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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Care For The Fragile…..

I had strange dream last night. The dream felt real. I was conscious of my thoughts and actions. Touch felt real. If you follow my blog, then you know how important dreams are to me. I don’t remember them every night, but when I do, it’s for a reason. I haven’t had a nightmare in while, and this shook me to the core…..

I saw a newborn baby laying on a bench, and nobody was around. It was a ghost town not a person in sight. As I approached, he began to fall though the cracks of the bench! I was horrified! I quickly slipped my hand under the baby’s back, attempting to stabilize him. I was concerned I might hurt him because he was fragile, a preemie. He squirmed in my hand and began to cry. I was relieved because he was responsive, but distraught because I couldn’t hold him. I couldn’t pat his back or gently rock him…I stared down at him in despair. Where were the parents???Why didn’t they care???

I couldn’t find a solution to the problem at hand. I felt I failed him, felt like a failure, very sorry for this child…..

As I awoke the dream stayed with me. I reminded myself that it wasn’t real, but the baby’s image was in my eyes. He was weak and fragile and needed protection, but was abandon. He was given up on, left to fend for himself. I guess he was too much of a burden? Maybe I couldn’t save him, but it was worth a try.

I realized what the dream meant after hearing tragic news about a loved one. This dream to me, represented the fragile and delicate, of mind. The people who suffer from mental issues, anxiety, depression, etc. They may need a little support to get by. Doing what you can, and not casting them off could help prevent them from falling through the cracks…
I have more to say on this topic, but I’ll save it for another blog.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

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