Workplace Shenanigans Story/Rant…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I’ve never been one for “workplace drama” and I feel silly sharing this story, because I thought I was at a point in my life where I wouldn’t have to deal with petty workplace shenanigans and jealousy.  I was completely shocked and blind-sighted, but the beauty is,  it taught me an important lesson when it comes to the value of my time and what it TRULY means to make a living…

I recall going into a tedious job, chill and in a great mood, but others would actually ask, “Why are you so happy?!” I consider that a very rude question. Am I not supposed to smile and be happy at work, because you are miserable??? My laid back, stay to myself demeanor, always attracted the wrong attention. Some of my fellow co-workers shared with me, that they felt I didn’t “like” them, simply because I chose to sit and eat my lunch by myself. I hate talking when I’m eating! My break is for ME, why do I have to sit with you and socialize??? I was sitting at my cubicle beside you for hours already!

I’ve never felt the need to tear down a co-worker, in order to make myself look better to the higher ups. I always dressed, talked and walked like myself at the office. The “peer pressure” in the corporate world couldn’t change me. I never felt the need to suck up to the boss in order to be elevated to a better position. I’ve heard people say, “Oh that’s just the way it is in the office” and I think, well if that’s the way it is, then I choose to NOT participate. The water-cooler talk never interested me either. I chose to work from home for YEARS because I couldn’t swallow the cut- throat nature of the corporate world. People used to ask me if I ever got lonely working from home on my own, and my response was NO! I loved the peace and quiet, it’s way easier to focus on work without gossip and chatter an ear shot away. I considered it torture trying to focus, while hearing my co-worker whine and complain about her boyfriend’s mother. It was even worse when I tried my best to pretend I didn’t hear a thing, and she’d try to pull me into the conversation. Then I had to answer WHY I didn’t feel like talking, which hurt her feelings, or made her  dislike or resent me, when my intentions were purely to do my job! Dealing with tension in the office  is very annoying, because you KNOW you’re going to have to face these people the next day. It’s as though  they are family you are forced to deal with:(….. There’s more, stay tuned for my next post.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

 

 

Reassuring Silence…..

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Please forgive me for posting this blog late. #HappyMothersDay to all the mothers out there and RIP momma, I’m missing you today.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been writing, and I’ve been meaning to share. Since the time I told my father why I don’t trust him and after I posted my blog, I didn’t hear from him for a few months. That is the reason I was reluctant to post my blog. I thought maybe I was exposing too much, although I didn’t say anything disparaging about him. I actually felt “guilty”……By the time I posted, I decided to delete it, because I felt as though I was betraying my father. Fortunately one of my loyal subscribers noticed, and asked me why I did that. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t think anybody read it. She left me a heart-felt comment, commending me on my honesty and transparency. She told me that my blog is important, and it may help others. I came to my senses and re-posted, her comment helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for sharing my story. Many people have broken relationships with their parents for various reasons. I’ve come across many people who don’t talk to their father, who lives in close proximity to them. It’s difficult trying to build a solid foundation with a parent who hasn’t parented you for the majority of your life. The scattered memories may be all you have to remember them by, and as you grow older, many of those memories may be repressed, or dissolved. It’s almost as though you have to create a foundation to re-start from, and hope you both can come to a mutual understanding. Establishing a common ground that you’re both comfortable moving forward on, and communicate as much as possible. I’ve had to get used to speaking my mind with no filter, and letting my guard down when I feel it coming back up.

The last conversation I had with my father was liberating. I told him that he was a priority to me, and this time, the silence was not awkward, but reassuring. He was truly listening to me! Not just to my voice, but to my heart and soul.

Something has changed, and I’m not worried about whether or not it will go away, I’m more focused on nurturing it, and watching it grow.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

 

 

And THIS is Why I Don’t Trust…..

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“Dad, I know you would never do anything to hurt me, and I’m not afraid of you…I don’t know if you  remember, but when we were little, you put us in dangerous situations, and it was scary….I  was scared.” The words flowed out of my mouth like melted butter, “And THIS is why I don’t trust you…or anyone….” I FINALLY allowed myself to be honest with my father and tell the truth. He needed to hear the truth, regardless of his guilt and pain…..I looked up to my father when I was a little girl,  I admired him. When he sat me down and taught me about the “bad” ways of the world, I held onto his every word. We always shared a special bond, he made me feel special. When he spoke to me about serious topics I was very attentive, although I was too young  to fully  comprehend the significance of what he was saying. My conscience understood everything he was saying, and I wouldn’t run a way to go play until he was finished. I registered and filed all of it in my mind. I made it a point to abide by all of his lessons as I grew, even though he wasn’t around. “Always be kind to those less fortunate than you…..” He taught me, and wrote it in  EVERY post card and letter. I saved every postcard, telegram and letter he sent in my old shoe box. I held my onto my father’s  morals and values, and our mother reinforced them, she never spoke ill of him. I was taught to RESPECT and honor my father, regardless of his actions. I always felt the need  to protect him, as though I was the parent and HE the child….

I’ve been putting off visiting him because I doubt that he’s changed, and I can not fix that. His efforts mean a lot to me, but I can not rewrite my past, or fix this overnight. I don’t know how this will all pan out between my father and I, but I trust that I did the right thing. I appreciate my father for what he taught me, and maybe I can teach HIM a thing or too…..

Love&Respect ~Dawn Lovely Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely ,https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

You KNOW Better, So Do Better!

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“Dad! People are Soooo Rude!” A young boy yelled out on the bus, after being abruptly brushed by a many passengers who were in a rush to get off the bus during rush hour. I haven’t taken the( TTC ) bus in over a decade and this area was vastly different compared to where I used to live. I  was appalled as I watched them COMPLETELY disregard the child, none of them even said excuse me….. I found this shocking, considering us “Torontonians” are known for our courtesy and manners, in public….His father explained to him that it was rush hour, and people are agitated, tired, and just want to go home. He reassured him that they’d be home very soon, and that he’d make him anything to eat that he wanted, which I found cute. The father did his best to comfort his child, but the fact that he chose NOT to say anything negative about the poor manners of the passengers, intrigued me….Perhaps he didn’t want to “call them out”, or he didn’t want to plant negative seeds in his son’s mind about public transportation. I thought to myself, this child may grow up thinking that this is just the “way” people are on the bus, when these adults are supposed to know BETTER. They are wrong and there is no excuse for it, and hearing a little boy become so upset and annoyed that he yelled, touched my conscience…..When I’m having a tough day and it’s almost coming to an end, I can be triggered by the smallest act of rudeness by a stranger. I don’t always address them, it’s not even worth it, but it does disrupt my peace temporarily. I realized what really gets to me, is the lack of effort to show a fellow human basic manners and respect. Saying Please/Thank You/Excuse Me only takes 2-3 seconds tops, and it can make a world of difference…..

I have hope, and believe that if those who KNOW better, simply DO better, we can set a better example for the generations after us. They won’t think twice to do better, because it will come naturally, once they learn. It’s baby steps that grown folks need to take, so our babies will follow suit…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely  , https://t.co/wfctLWHJ1W

 

It Could Happen To You…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I tried to avoid the news online about the flooding in Houston, because the sight of flooding gives me anxiety….The photos I saw on my twitter feed were shocking, it pained me to see. I had a flash back of my apartment flooding last year, watching helplessly as water quickly spread thorough out the place….I didn’t know the water was THAT high! I pictured being in those people’s shoes, wading alongside my belongings as I leave my home and say goodbye to everything I own…

I have never experienced a hurricane, being that I’ve only lived in Ontario, Canada, watching hurricanes on the news looked unreal to me, like a movie. I remember learning about hurricanes in school, and the science behind them. The “eye” of the storm being calm, is a fact that I found interesting and disturbing. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be in one. I was terrified based off of what I saw in the news coverage from other countries around the world. It looked as though the land would never be dry again, and re-building would take centuries…..

I’ve heard some say on social media and youtube, that the victims of the flood “knew” that  this could happen because of their location. I find it funny people say that, because we all live in places that are just as prone to natural disaster, i.e. a snow storm, ice storm, earthquake, or possibly a windstorm….Even if we live in areas that are considered “high-risk”, we don’t expect the WORST will happen. There are very beautiful condos by the waterfront  in Toronto that I’ve always dreamed of living in, flooding is the FURTHEST thought from my mind when I imagine living there…..

Regardless of how prepared you are, when the worst of the worst  does happen, it’s a slap in the face and a wake up call that it can happen to you too.

#PrayforHouston

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

PT 2, August&My Summer Sadness…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

Picking up from where I left off:

Before August ends I will bring myself to be at peace again with it, I will conquer my demons, finally…..

There are belongings of my mother’s that are very sentimental to me but I know mean much more to others. I’ve reached out to certain relatives who were very close to her, that shared common interests with her, to give them items like books and music. She had such a vast music and book collection that I always admired, and I remember asking her to borrow albums especially older music, classic albums from artists that my generation wasn’t familiar with. She didn’t mind, she was kind that way, I really loved that about her. She was a music lover to the tee, and had a very eclectic taste that was culturally diverse. I cherished her music collection, and I learned to love and appreciate music from all over the world because of her…..Going through and sharing her collection, hearing memories attached to a particular song makes me happy. It was fun reminiscing with my Auntie about the way she danced so well, or her favourite songs she’s play on repeat. I’m happy to give them away.

I also found peace and closure in another place, a very surprising and unexpected place, or I should say person…my father. I’ve grown closer to my father since my mother’s passing, although we’ve only talked on the phone. I hear my mother’s phrases, lessons, diction when he’s giving me advice…It’s quite astounding to me, I forgot how much alike they are. It’s comforting, and I feel actually feel protected…The way I used to feel after speaking with mom…..

Since my last blog post, things have been looking up, and I decided to focus on what I do have control over, what I’m able to do in the meantime.  I’ve had a few relatives reach out to me that I wish I felt comfortable speaking to, but I think it’s best not to speak until the correct actions are DONE regarding the unfinished business of mommy’s passing…..

As the month comes to an end, I enjoy the beautiful sunsets and brisk nights. My mother’s passing anniversary is approaching, and it means something different this year. Those demons, I ran away and I’m proud to say, I’m now at peace with August.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

 

August&My Summer Sadness…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I can’t believe it’s August already. My mother’s passing anniversary is fast approaching and that “feeling” is starting to come over me, the feeling that August brings, every year…..The overcast masks the sun, it doesn’t look or feel like summer most days, but it’s beautiful nonetheless, especially at midday… I can’t help but stop and stare at the sky from the balcony everyday, the  view is lovely. I get lost in the large pond surrounded by greenery that accents it perfectly….I look at it everyday…..it helps to distract me from my sadness, I forget my problems, whatever’s weighing on my mind…

It’s still difficult for me to allow myself to feel sad, to first off, accept that I am sad, and allow myself to go through the emotion, instead of denying or suppressing it. I sometimes weep without cause, and I still have trouble admitting to myself that I have a problem with this. When August arrives, I’m forced to deal with it, I can’t escape the summer sadness….Not having closure regarding the aftermath of my mothers death has made August represent a negative time of the year, when it used to represent my favourite summer month. August used to mean the end of summer camp, time to go home to my warm bed, and prepare for back to school….it used to mean the summer month with the best weather, the most fun activities, it used to mean my mother’s birthday month, instead of the day her passing….August is not the cause of my sadness, it’s just a month in the year, but I’m still on my quest for closure, and before August ends I will bring myself to be at peace again with it, I will conquer my demons, finally.

To be continued…..

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

 

Respect the Pigeons!…..

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Respect the pigeons! and I mean the REAL birds, not the “slang” term, I hope that title didn’t throw you off lol.

Since I’ve been staying in Toronto with my family, I’ve taken notice of the beauty of this side of the city, and I appreciate it so much more now. On my daily walk, I can’t help but stop and take a pic of nature and the  lovely scenery, before I even think of a taking a selfie. I’ve seen many different types of birds on a daily basis, ducks, seagulls, robins, blue jays, eagles, sparrows and last but not least, the infamous PIGEONS!…..

I forgot about pigeons, because there weren’t any where I used to live, and I’m NOT fond of them, for obvious reasons. There are MANY of them in this area, SO many that I don’t go on the balcony, I avoid them. I find pigeons to be messy, aggressive and a nuisance, plus they’re known to attack humans…..

There’s a handful of pigeons that frequent the balcony that are actually a family, I learned by way of my younger cousin. She told me that the two “thinner” pigeons who stick together, are siblings that grew “fast” from the two laid eggs that were previously in the corner. This surprised me because I didn’t know pigeons grew up so fast. I began observing the pigeons everyday and gained an interest and understanding of their world, but still stayed OFF the balcony. My aunt informed me that there was going to be repairs  being done to the balcony starting in the morning, and the balcony would have to be cleared off. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, didn’t want to go out there, but I finally mustered up the courage to do so. I have to admit, I was genuinely intimidated by of the gangs of pigeons lined up above me, glaring at me. I noticed a fluffier, chubbier, prettier, looking pigeon sitting in the corner of the balcony. Her eyes didn’t leave me as I cautiously moved around. A few pigeons flew fast and swiftly by, startling me, I yelped out trying not to be loud, feeling silly lol. I was relieved as I slowly dragged the last bag, that was near the staring pigeon. I was pleasantly surprised when she suddenly stepped up, revealing two small eggs, it was protecting it’s babies! That’s why it was sitting there, staring directly at me the whole time,  I had a feeling…..

I successfully completed the task, and the pigeons did not trouble me,  I understood they were simply protecting their turf, and I did my best to show them that I respected their turf…..I shared my pigeon story with my cousin, and told her that I conquered my fear and “faced the pigeons”, she laughed. She explained that the “chubby” pigeon sitting on the eggs was indeed a male, and the father protects the eggs too, which I didn’t know. That was the most fascinating lesson I learned…Plus I gained a new found respect for most notoriously “hated” birds in the city.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

I haven’t posted a blog in a few months…..I could have posted one last week, or even yesterday, but I was preoccupied dealing with my problems and worrying…Trying to come up with solutions to my problems, and contemplating how I allowed myself to get to this point…..I couldn’t post because I wasn’t in my writing vibe, I didn’t feel like “myself”……I couldn’t put a positive spin on how I felt, so kept it to myself…I didn’t want to be a “Debbie Downer”, otherwise, I would’ve wrote…..

I feel guilty for neglecting my blog, and all of my excuses haven’t helped me feel any better. The Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda’s, are a distraction, they  NEVER help…They almost feel like an addiction. I eventually woke myself up from their trance, and I feel refreshed and renewed. I realized what I was doing to myself, what I’ve been doing to myself, looking back, instead of looking forward to what I CAN do…..

I can’t get back the time I wasted, or undue what’s already been done, I can’t go back and refuse the help that I chose to receive, but ended up putting me in a WORSE position….I was not in control of the unfortunate circumstance that ended up putting me out of my home, the place I thought I was going to build my business…..If you keep up with my blog, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m working on conquering my vices the older I get, but I stumble sometimes and my fears creep up and I don’t always shoo them away…..Blaming myself for what I Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda did is a symptom of my fears and admitting that to myself was harder than sharing this blog with you.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely

 

 

 

Control Freaks & Giving Up Control…..

~ dawnlovely ~ 2 Comments

It’s almost 5:00am and I’m glad tobe back in my writing groove, I haven’t posted in a month, and  I’ve been adding pieces to the draft of this blog for a week. I’m going through some stressful life stuff, relating to the aftermath of the flood last year. Family and friends have been supportive, sending me words of encouragement, which has helped a lot. I feel as though last year was a looong test that I passed, but there’s more to learn and apply and I’m at the new start of a new chapter of my life. I’d like to share this with you…..

I’ve come to grips with the fact I just might be a “Control Freak”  to an extent, and that’s not easy for me to admit, because I’ve never considered myself one. I’ve been exposed to many self-proclaimed Control Freaks during the course of my life, and I understood their need to have things “their way.” I found myself effortlessly adhering to their demands, making sure I put EVERYTHING in the EXACT correct place, following directions to their satisfaction…..I felt that their “Control Freak” ways, were simply a part of their personality,  so I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but Control Freaks can be difficult to satisfy, and they may NEVER be satisfied no matter how much you care to appease them…I’ve never encountered a “chill”  control freak, they always seem to be on edge, which is not cool and wearisome to deal with……I realized that when I allow my mentality to become controlling over what is supposed to happen, that I’m essentially  blocking The Most High/ blocking my blessings, hence blocking my own path….Getting in my own way.

Since the start of the year I feel like I’m coming into a fresh new part of my adult life, but it’s coming together in a manner which I never could’ve anticipated. After my accident in January, I vowed that I would take it easy, not rush, and try to go with the flow. Unfortunately the events  that took place late last year have put me in a position that has backed up my initial plans for 2016/2017 and my mind hasn’t been in “zen” mode, but in rush mode…..

I caught myself though, and since I’ve given up control, this tough time feels like a walk in the park, and I’m focusing on what I can do, which is all I can do.

Love&Respect,

~Dawn Lovely

Follow me @ :https://twitter.com/iamdawnlovely