I would not be able to feel good about myself, if I did not do for my mother, what she did for me. This is the natural connection that I can not deny, and attempting to do so over the years, trying to ignore it, has taken a toll on me. I have even found myself arguments, and heated debates over whether or not my mother is “Resting in peace”, and that I should simply forget, or “brush off’ what I have not been able to do. For the latter of my quest for closure, I did believe that she was resting in peace, and because of that I did not rock the boat, while the basics were not being done. I stayed silent and to myself. It was astonishing to see the contrast between her way of doing things for us, vs the way things were being done, self-serving, self-centered, insensitive to her needs, and the relatives who loved and know her before us. It seemed all too convenient, and the quickest way to not have to deal with her as she was, prior to her untimely passing, because she was at her weakest and most vulnerable, and she was not being cared for or protected, or validated. And by validated, I mean her mental illness battle, had already become a burden, and she was treated as though she should not have it, and that I found extremely unfair, disappointed and very sad. This is not at all the approach she took, especially in her day to day tasks while raising us, giving back to her legacy, is showing respect to her, and God for the blessing of a good mother.
Empathizing and understanding why certain decisions were made, by putting myself in a mother’s shoes, my mother’s shoes, this helps me to make sense of the decisions she made, as a young woman, while being in the heart of the city, without consistent support from her husband. There are so many factors that affected her decisions, and she may not have had the time or resources, or options, that I have had being in the city alone. During the most struggling times, I’ve asked myself, How did she navigate the city all the time, car-less? The cost of a taxi adds up, and back then there were wondered how did she do it? Alone with a handful of children, including a toddler, plus a baby in a stroller, with her petite frame, youthful appearance, and mild demeanor. When the subway line goes down with little to zero notice, and the crowds at the platform accumulate as the announcement is made on the intercom, that there will be no service from _________ to ___________ station, shuttle buses will be outside waiting at __________, how did she decide the best way to make it CLOSEST to home, especially during unpredictable, bad weather?? and what if the baby starts crying, and needs a diaper change, and there’s no washrooms or “family” washrooms, available for use at the station?? Not all stations have washrooms, too, so she’d have to exit the station, regardless of the swarming crowd, and find the nearest appropriate, clean, family-friendly restaurant, and use their washroom. How will she make it through the anxious crowd, moving slow and fast simultaneously, to find the elevator, to help us get to the main floor as fast as possible. And, what if there is a long line of even ore anxious people at this elevator, or no defined line up, causing the impatient crowd to become even more agitated…
Mom’s patience and poise, taught me how to put these daily hiccups in perspective, which has helped me survive the city.
Dawn Lovely says.................. 